friendships

[wednesday mc haggis]

I want added to list of symptoms and things SJS or any illness loss of friends.

  I have some truly great friends i really do and i thank the gods for them daily.

  last 6 months one of my closest friends trisha , who ive supported thick and thin just showed herself up to be more toxic than i realised , strange when youve given so much and get so little back when you need it.

She came to the school gates, knowing very few ppl, she had returned to the UK from living abroad when she found her ex cheating, and was raising 2 girls alone.

  her ex is a sh*t  no other way round it, cant even phone the girls on their birthday, just throws money at them.But wil she do anything about hat but moan ?? nope.

  ive baby sitted for her, if my kids were at their dad`s ive walked to her house and kept her company, when she had  a hysterectomy , i was one on phone everyday to you need any shopping? did her dishes if there was any, hung shower curtain up, helped all i could as a single working mum, it sounds horrible but she has maoned about lack of money yet wont keep a job for more than 6 weks, coz its too hard, he parents help every way emotionally and finnacially, her mums had some kind of athritic problems last few months, and all trisha has done is moan , she feels sorry for herself.the woman is now 60 working fulltime and drained by her, she plays the but im iler than you card, when she aint she is fit for what she wants to do, she had  achest infection last week, and youd think it was terminal, yet her mothers a hypochondriac according to her.

  We got to school and everyone knows her daily health update, she was dx with IBS 2 months ago and its all weve heard.

She i have been feeling only calls when she needs to offload, yesterday was just a really bad day pain wise, and i arrived to hear me me me again!!

Only her and 2 other ppl know anything about my health at the school ,and only because ppl have asked as i look grey.

    Im a private person and just plod on, just way i am, i dont want to seek attention from ppl i hardly know, but she just cant help herself any .

     I went to the school with alot on my mind yesterday and she statered moaning AGAIN, i declined a usual lift home, and said its a nice day im going to just walk, she looked peeved, and said you got a problem with me?? wishing to avoid the convo at the school, i said i ll phone you later, but no she wanted a scene, i said look i ll call, infront of everyone, she said wel if your going to be funny with me then dont!!

  I snapped, first time in 5 years and said   why does it have to always be about you ?? all i hear is me me me me me !!!

i got home phoned and apologised, but was honest and said how ive been feeling, she has moved onto a quiet mousy girl who will never be honest with her and is the anything to please type bless her, but im too honest and it had to be said.

i told her i felt since i had emotionally supported her for 5 years, that maybe just for once, she could give me  a break my heads trying to get around alot of things, and when she phoned other night 9 only phones when she needs something iv ebegan to realise)  with yet another drama that wasnt really one, i was sleeping, instead of asking my partner was i ok ?? was i fit to call ?? nope it was me me me again, GET her to call.

  well she wasnt happy at all about the honesty, and hung up, today at the school first time in 5 years she blanked me totally !! and walked off.

seems if your not able to be the strong , supportive one for 5 minutes, your history, if your not the caring one then you can p*ss off, i dont know if im sad, guilty, angry or what right now, maybe them all, i feel bad, but maybe its all for the best, for i dont think i have another drama left in me, even if i was in the wrong, youd think she would have enough empathy to say hey write it off to alot on plate and love me through it, but nope!

  Im beginning to realise that SJS affects a he**uva lot more than our health.

anyone else found this ??


T x 

 

[Chickpea]

Oh Wednesday

I'm really sorry to hear that this happened to you.  You deserve the best, most loving and supportive friends a woman could have.  You know we love you but that's no substitute for a friend at the school gates, or someone to sit and chat with over a cuppa.

You're very wise and I know you'll be able to analyse what's going on here, what sort of person Trisha is and the dynamics of your friendship.  She just isn't able to do more than take, and you both slotted into set roles in your friendship.  She spotted the loving, giving woman that you are and set out to get her needs met.  You have a surfeit of love to give - it just bubbles out of you - and were happy to support her.

Like you, I'm a very private person and I find the visibility that comes with being ill hard to cope with.  I also want to be the one who gives more than takes, although I know that ideally the two would be in balance in friendships.  I've definitely found that my social world has been reduced since being ill: partly because I can't work any more; but partly because I can't socialise much due to exhaustion, speech difficulties, mobility problems etc etc.  Some friends deal with this better than others, and my relationship with one of my closest friends has suffered.  Nothing dramatic, just that we see each other less often and conversation doesn't go as deep or personal as it used to.  I had a bad accident recently and her reaction made me realise that this change is partly because she's frightened about what's happening to me, scared of losing me.  That helped me empathise with her more.

But I haven't actually dealt with the issue because I'm nowhere near as good as you are at confronting things.  Yes, this afternoon was a horrible experience but it was honest.  You were clear and open, not unpleasant or aggressive.  You're right:  she doesn't have the empathy in her.  You need to be self protective and avoid yet another drama.  Stick with the people who love you and who give as well as take.

Thinking of you - Chickpea

[Issey]

In this world there are many `takers' - these people think only of themselves. Move on and dont blame yourself - you have done nothing wrong - only maybe waiting too long to tell her what a selfish shallow person she really is<LOL> -
I too am like you and I dont bore people with my problems - after all we dont `look' ill
and to be honest I cant be bothered to try and explain it to them

Issey

[navydad]

Since I got really sick over the last sixmonths,, my so called friends have all but abandoned me,, I have one,, (a lady friend),, who lives in Indiana who tries to come in occasionally,, no,, no, no afiar,, just a dear friend,, personaly I find women to be open to a persons suffering,, the mothering instinct,, my other friends who left me in the cold,,there all blue collar,, and if they cant see anything wrong like a broken leg,, your ok,, its hard for them to see the real problem,,

[jonnell]

Wednesday,  Im sorry for the way she has treated you.  You dont deserve that.  Since Ive been on this site you have been nothing but a friend to me and my little girl.  Sometimes the bigger hearts we have the more we get hurt.  I also like you have little friends unless they need something.   My fiance is my best friend.  Ive been thru 2 divorces because i was the giver and they were the takers but now I have a giver.  I am always here if you need someone to talk to.  Maybe she will see the error in her ways and she will be a true friend to you from now on.      Hugs and Kisses     Jonnell and Jenna

[paperdoll]

Ah Wednesday,

Thanks for posting this experience -

I used to be "That Girl, Agent 99, Girl Friday, Mary Tyler Moore"!

I feel it as well.  I really prided myself in being the giver and "mom" of friends.  Now I can't run around and do what you did for her... and I think the takers see that... or just don't want to see me (or "see" themselves) as sick.  They don't know of my periph Neuro stuff...  i just plod along - don't go out.  But I have the phone!

I've had some heartbreak I admit it the friends that are always "terminally busy"... meaning the gentle release of "friend firing". Many friends haven't read about my disease.  They think jsut dry eyes an mouth.  But I don't have a recognizable disease so it gets lonely.  They don't want to hear about me and go into there stuff.  "Oh I have headaches, dry eyes..." commiserating or is it gentle belittling?

I have some really great friends.  I feel I am lucky two have just about 3 that I can talk to kinda often.  I worry that I am not in the world and of the world enough to give to them.  Gotta read the paper, books, music, films more )  Many have kids and are married now (quit a few since I was diagnosed) so they are so busy.

There are more tidbits but well ya know...

Take care out there,
P.

[loulou]

Wednesday, i hope your friend will have time to think about her actions, how she has been moaning, groaning and taking from you all those years. I have just recently said to my daughter who had a disagreement with her friend at school, that if this person is causing a negative effect on you then its better to detach yourself abit, having someone positive with a sense of humour and empathy to match is much better for your well being.

When reading through the posts i always see your replys and you always are supportive, helpful and encouraging, you have enlightened me also. You do deserve a true friend that will give back in equal amounts that you give.

Some may say that we have been chosen to live with chronic diseases because we can deal with them and still have the heart to want to help mend others.

Please know that you make a big difference to people on this site, and im sure your the same with others around you. You gave your friend the chance to back off and think about things, she pushed you too far.

Hope she mends her ways and start to look outside herself and see what an amazing friend you have been.

Look afteryourself, and keep your chin up.

Loulou

[lurkernomore]

I am so sorry it has had to come down to this for you and your friend. But you know, with a friend who is an emotional vampire (that sounded so harsh, but I mean they drain the life out of ya and walk away, leaving you lying there) it was just a matter of time. The good news is that now that you have released her, or the other way around, it frees you up to other friendships. Or to just "be."

The good news about Sjogren's is that you find out who your true friends are. The bad news is....the same thing. You have a huge heart and people with such big hearts are known to have them trampled on. It hurts I know and I am so sorry for that. But soon you will realize that it is sort of liberating not to have to carry this friend and all her emotional baggage and draaammmaaa around with you. Trust me, you don't need her weights on your tiny, sore little shoulders.

[harrigan]

T, I'm all aggrieved on your behalf.    I know how much you gave out as a friend and when you needed something back, it must have been so hurtful to get the cold shoulder instead.  I know in the long run it might be better to know that she is more of a 'drain' than a 'radiator' but for now you are in a mix of emotions - anger, frustration, loss etc. 

Be assured by what you have read on here - you have friends here who will listen, understand, share your delights and dismays with you and never expect more than its ok to give.  Wish I was nearer and could be the one making the cuppas, calling to see how you are, 'baby'sitting etc.  Sending you virtual hugs and hoping you start to feel better about it soon.  Well done on not losing your cool and your dignity!  xx Ailsa

[JannaLee]

Wednesday honey,

I'm sending gentle strokes to your brow and a loving hug!

You are the sort of treasure that should be appreciated not squandered!

Let the vampire go, honey and find a new soul who sees you and will love your value to her!

Janna

[Dolly Dimples]

   Oh dear !   Wednesday,
                                     All I can add is... with friends like that , who needs enemies!!

                  .... you acted in a very humble way when apologizing to this person... so just let it go now..
      You have more than enough love and respect here,  and we totally understand your frustration when dealing with people like that..
                   
               Can't say more than all the other lovely peeps before me...  Luv   Dollyx
     
                             
                     

[missyb]

Wednesday,
I do understand, you are the friend who's problems are never as bad you make them out, and your problems could never ever be as terrible as hers. I have certainly known a few people like that, and in fact had big blow up right here in my cul de sac a couple weeks ago. Two years ago I *finally* after 8 years realized how toxic my neighbor was and understood that unless I culled back on the friendship, I was just going to continually wind up in these dramatic situations always being the dish towel she cries on. Then when I had a crises or health problem, I got the "lucky" speech, and was just supposed to be glad it was not as bad as what she had to deal with or what this other person has type of commentary. Like you I babysat, loaned food, helped, whatever way she needed i was there, but there was no reciprocation, or if she did do something it was half-a$$ed Like bringing some crappy boxed macaroni meal for my kids when I was in the hospital *one* time after I had brought them home cooked meal after meal when she had her baby. However she was always doing extraordinary things to impress the people she just met to draw them in.  What I felt like was a pair of  old house slippers you wear around to be comfortable in but don't wear out for anything nice. So I chose to back off the friendship, I never said anything to her, but I just gradually declined the contact. She never asked me what was up, she never called me either, so I figured it must be mutual. That was '07. I really saw how wrapped up in her crap I had been getting myself, and was SO glad I had let that go. I was free to focus on my own family and husband. He and I had actually gotten into a couple arguments over how much I did for her, he could see I was a FOOL! 
So a few weeks ago her son had attacked mine with a pellet gun and I became incensed and when I went over I just lost it. This kid has been destroying things at my house for 10 years,  messing with my utility boxes, stealing, lying, etc. Hurting my son with a dangerous thing like a pellet gun was just too much. I went over and let them know in no uncertain terms was this kid allowed around my son or my house, I was angry, i was shaking, and I did holler. But I did not curse or threaten him physically.
She started this nasty email barrage, about how disrespectful I am, and how it was all because I was really mad at her and not her son, that I had gossiped all over the neighborhood about her ( I only even really know 2 other people and they have been the ones to say they thought she was weird LOL), She said all kinds of nutty crazy stuff. Trying to deflect and distract from the real subject, her piss ant kid.  It got really ugly. I got sucked into it for one email, then i realized what I was doing, playing into her drama, and I did not want to her drama fuel. So I did not apologize for screaming at her kid, but I did apologize for the negative note I sent in response to her note, and I have not heard anything else. She has no interest in apologizing to me for all the ugliness she spewed. It just confirms I made the right choice 2 years ago.
But, needless to say, it's gotten very uncomfortable around here lately! 
Thankfully i was prepared because I had read a book by Dr Henry Cloud called Boundaries, When To Say Yes And When To Say No. I knew that people get ugly when you set your boundaries with them. It's painful and uncomfortable. Sometimes, like me, you even end up looking like the bad guy the way these people twist and deflect the real issue! 

Check out the book, it's great
Missy

[wednesday mc haggis]

thankyou all so much, all your words have dispelled the guilt and im not half as upset as i was, seeing it as a relief really, i ll have more spoons


chickpea.. honestly i just dont get that at all, why ppl back off, i know you dont go out so much, but then maybe if she came and went out with you thatd be different, or if you didnt want to go out, just a good chit chat and catch up, feeling isolated just makes everything worse, just not in me as a friend to do that , i understand ppl are scared of losing ppl, one of my friends whose been in a chair for a few years from a bike accident, has ovarian cancer, and after 3 ops and chemo past 3 years its still there and there is no more to cut out , not easy seeing someone you love that way, but then when did friendship ever promise a fun time always  ? never will get my head round ppl backing off

issey yup your so right, took me way too long, but hey ive learned alot on the way

navydad..no need to explain to me, my cloests freind in the world adopted me as his sister 4 years ago, his wife is one great person, but me and joe are on some kind of level where i could tell him anything and he is always completely honest with me, and i ll always treasure him, nope its not sexual its way beyond that its family

jonell ... yup married two takers myself, but way i see it is i took 2 sons from those relationsips, and i came off the winner, my first hubby might have been a total l liar, but he gave me a son that holds my world up and for that i will always thank him, he hasnt seen him in 11 years now, but in a way im glad, for euan is my boy and always willl be, and he was the loser for he missed out on one of lifes most caring beautiful creatures, and i got him all to myself .

paperdoll.. yup always have been the mum too, thnakyou for sharing this, i so relate to that, made me realise that one of my kids needed some tough love and now she has it

lou lou.. im wiccan so i beleive in reincarnation and that we chose our path before we come younger souls get an easier time, and older souls get alot more curve balls, the test is to remin caring and hold love in your heart, someone posted to me i should be finding myself help here and not caring about other ppl and worrying about friends, sorry but for me that would be to lose my inner light and i ll be damned if im letting SJS get that , thats mines and day i stop caring might as well put a gun to me head one day it will be their turn, and lets see how much grace they hang onto and how many times they havbe to come back here to learn about it

lurker  nail on the head " emotional vampires" been prey to a few of those in my tim,e but i think spiritually they drain themselves too, for as i always say a good person will always be a good person and a taker will pay in karma, and karma is slow but thorough.

harrigan i love the drain/radiator analogy    i wish we all lived closer to one another i think everyone here in their own way is a antional treasure and quite something to know in life, ive always felt blessed to find the old souls on this site, never sen so many salt of the earth ppl in one place, what SJS has taken from us, we made up for in the richness of ppl here, one door closes and another opens and man did it open to ppl that you could afford to buy here *hugs ya back *


janna   your one of the ppl here who i know has this healing smile and deep compassion within you that lights up a dark room, i felt that brow stroke i truly did. thnakyou !

dolly  pains me to know that you all understand so well, mean youve all been there, humility is just who i am,  couldnt have truly helped anyone as a nurs ein terminal care if id not been so, for god alone knows those ppl needed someone who could just listen and not judge, humility goes a long way in getting ppl to open up, and its something i guard with care.thnakyou.

missy b .. thnakyou for posting that, pair of old slippers really sums it up, when i think of the time ive given and youve given and came up empty handed, but i tell you id rather be the slippers, for theyre safe and warm and comfy, and while its nott he most glamourous role, it sure as heck beat the life out of being so shallow, sorry youve had al this worry, i know that the school has a right atmosphere at the gates right now, but hey ho, life is just too darn short for the glamourous roles, slippers are something much better and im glad to be them, for it means im on the right path, i ll check that book out thankyou ! boundaries are something i fond hard, for though im honest i tend if ive taken someone into my heart to give way too much, and   i need to find ways of holding some spoons back , thnakyou for sharing your story.



thankyou all SO much , i think we all share so much in illness and in life and in thought, feeling and expereinces, tonight as i read all the posts i feel blessed and not sad, i feel lucky and not agrreived , my heads sorted out and i feel like a load has been lifted, , your all deeep in my heart, genuinely deep in it and ive been blessed to find all of you, sure life will take from us, but let it, for one thing it cannott ake is the spirit of love that w eshare between us all, and the deep honesty that goes between us al, i was to tell you all, your loved !!!


T x

[KYMOM]

Wednesday, Sending good thoughts your way.  So sorry about the problem with your "friend".  It is so hard when there is a person in your life who is not good for you but you have to see them all of the time.  Hopefully there are others at the gate who bring good into your life instead of bad.  Roxanne

[Epson]

Mc Haggis,

One thing I have learned over the years is, your only friends are your family and even some of them are suspect.  Everyone else is just an acquaintance.  Blood is always thicker then water.