Rambling frustration.

[dolphinwithwolf]

I'm just venting some here so I apologize ahead of time if I seem to go back and forth on things.

  First of all I'm really worried about my son.  He is 19 and seems to be really depressed right now.  When he was at my house last week he asked me how to get confidence.  This was as they were getting ready to leave.  Of course my mind totally scrambled and went blank.  I had no idea what to say to him.  I know his dad always did a number on him telling him basically that everything he did wasn't right etc.  My son has always been real sensitive and I wish when his dad and I divorced I would have had the resources to take him with me.  Although he did make the decision to stay with his dad because of school and friends.  There is also a history of depression and manic depression that runs on his dads side of the family.   I just don't know what to say to him, especially since this is also something I struggle with most days.

The other thing is I strained my thumb at work in Dec.  slicing bread of all things and workers comp is still dragging there feet wanting to know who did my carpal tunnel surgery sometime back in the mid '90s.  They called yesterday and want more information.  Well gee because of the vibration of the bread slicer I have dequervain's tenosynovitis and then I strained my thumb going into my wrist.  None of this is even close to the carpal tunnel.  completely different muscles, and tendons.  Maybe I should send them an anatomy book...LOL

Ok so I'm done venting for now.

[Scottietottie]

Hi DwW 

I completely empathise with the worry about your son. I had a son drop out of University because of depression and I didn't cope with it very well. (He's fine now - but we had a bad few years) Looking back I wish I had pushed him more into seeking counselling or medical advice. In fact, I wish I'd approached a doctor about him, which I didn't do, because as he was over 18, his health was in his own hands as it were. He'd originally sought help, been given anti depressants and had then given them up on his own volition and kept telling us all nothing was wrong, when it patently was.

It sounds like you need some doctors notes or indeed an anatomy book to sort the other problem out! Sheeesh! 

This is a good place to vent!

Take care - Scottie 

[JannaLee]

I guess I would tell him I had been thinking about his question and it got me thinking how bloody awesome he is and how I cannot figure out why I was lucky enough to get him for my son. 

Then tell him all his talents.  I mean really tell him!  Tell him all the nice things anyone has ever said to you about him.  Tell him about the things he did in his childhood that you didn't have the talent for or confidence to do when you were a kid.

Tell him the ways he has surpassed his father too (but do this in a way that honors your ex and that your son exceeded him is so darn amazing.)  Tell him that he got all the best parts of you and all the best parts of his father.

Tell him how beautiful he was when he was little.  Tell him charming stories about himself that represent who he is or how smart he is.

Tell him he makes you bust with pride, or when in his life he made you bust with pride, even if it was when he was 2 years old.

Tell him it's too bad he's so intelligent because really smart people often struggle with confidence because they worry about all the things they don't know (or can't do well) and dumb people never even wonder what they don't know and don't worry about it.

Tell him you KNOW he can have a great life because he is wonderful and deserves it.  Then tell him if that requires getting psych help to recover from or get out from under a dark cloud, you will support that so he can hurry up and move on to the good part of his life. 

He's missing his youth, he's missing loving himself and that is a terrible waste of this young man.  It is a waste of his time and energy and is distracting him from all the wonderful things he is destined to do during his life time.

It is also an opportunity for you, Dolphin, to tell him things about himself that only you know.  The gratitude you felt when he was born, and when he said "bus-ghetti" for spaghetti and how that brought tears to your eyes and you silently thanked God for him.  This is a chance for you to do something real special for your child.  If you really think about it you could make a list that never stops and that's how I'd say it to him.  The list of "YOU are so COOL" is never ending!

I sure hope I don't sound preachy.  This is what I would have responded to at his age (my Dad did a number on me too.)

My heart goes out to you and to your sweet son who is feeling unsure.
Love to you,
Janna

[harrigan]

Dear DWW - there is really nothing to add to that last post.  You and your son are very much in my thoughts.  Every one of us with a teenage son will share your longing to help and support the best you can.

JannaLee, you have such a gift for saying the right thing - for formulating the inphrasable!  Bless you for your words - you have made me grateful for the crowd of 16 year old girls howling with laughter and gossip upstairs rather than thinking of the noise, the mess, the neighbours...!!  Enjoy the Easter Weekend everyone xx Ailsa

[JannaLee]

Thank you, dear Ailsa!

I agree with you!  There are only a couple minutes left with those darling girls who are giggling upstairs...and suddenly they will be grown and out of the nest!

I had boys who (with their friends) ate us out of house and home!  It wasn't the cost it was the sheer volume!  I had to shop almost every day!  I remember feeling so sick of grocery shopping that one day I gave a lady $20 for her cart that was already full of food!  I checked out and went straight home!  I have not told anyone till today!

But seriously, this is a mean world.  I think it is okay to tell our children that they are valuable and worthy.

[Chickpea]

Hi DWW

I'm so glad you came here to vent with your friends.  Sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment but as you can see there's lots of love and care here for you.  Dear Janna has so much wisdom to share, based on her own experiences and an honesty which is heartwarming.  We love her!

Sorry to hear about your injury.  Maybe you should photocopy a few pages from the anatomy book and send it to them?!  I hope it's not just a delaying tactic on their behalf, thinking that you'll give up the claim.  Hang in there!

My boys are now in their mid twenties but I well remember their late teens - not an easy time for anyone, them or their parents.  Janna's suggestions are so lovely and you could either base a conversation on them, or maybe write to him.  That way he could choose when to read your thoughts, or re-read them when he has need of a little boost of self-confidence.  This isn't an original plan: I think it was Scottie who told us once about writing to her children and I've always thought it was a great idea.

Thinking of you - Chickpea