Bad news from scan-

[BonusMom]

As for my husband, I suppose he isn't acting in a malicious way.  This is the way he is, and I knew that a day would come that something would test the mettle of both of us.  I shouldn't be angry at him because he thinks this is what support is; driving me to appointments, and buying me a TomTom so I wouldn't get lost so much. He is a poor communicator, emotionally uninvolved, and has always had me to take over and do everything. I'm sorry to say that he had a poor role model for a father, and a very enabling family  (as I have been to him too).  You can't spend thirty years with someone and not be completely emotionally involved, loving for the good and bad. But, reality shows, and even when it is what it is, it still cuts pretty deep.  I know I'm pretty much on my own here. So, I'm learing to deal with it.

Oh Sheila (I'm not singing....I know my limitations )--I think we're married to the same man    As much as I love my DH, my having chronic illness(es) has been an eye-opener for me.  My DH has driven me to appointments only when I was undergoing tests and had to be sedated.  I have told him how this hurts me, yet he didn't go to the rheumy with me when I got the test results on 12/18/08.  I asked him about a month ago what he knows about SLE and SjS.  His  response was "probably not enough."  I know he gets sick of hearing about my issues, but until I feel like I'm heard and he demonstrates that he gives a darn, I will probably continue to whine.  I need to feel validated and it kills me that he thinks that life will continue as normal (read:  my working full time, caring for my 17 year old [just because she's graduating high school in May doesn't mean that she doesn't need me], parenting his 13 year old when we have visitation [because he doesn't "know how to relate to a teenage girl"], performing all household tasks ie doing all of cooking and grocery shopping, paying the bills and attending soccer games/tournaments all over the West coast for my daughter).  Guess what, tootsie.........it's not going to happen    I've been a doormat for far too long.

Last Sunday, I made a list of household duties and broke them down by frequency--daily/weekly chores-- because he claimed not to know how often household chores are done (MIL probably vaccuumed every day--I'd be happy with twice a week!).  And no, we don't scrub the toilets only when they're growing something on them    I went so far as to list everything that's included in cleaning the bathroom, ie scrubbing the tub/shower, garbage, mirror, sink, toilet, replenishing TP, removing dirty towels and sweeping/mopping the floors.  What do you know--one of the bathrooms was cleaned on Sunday evening and not by moi!

My husband is a poor communicator also--unless it's related to race cars, then he gets really animated and won't stop talking.  I ask him questions about his day, what's happening at work, etc. and I get one syllable answers.  How can I engage a man in conversation who doesn't give much more than "same old stuff, different day?"  He claims to have a poor memory (forgot our anniversary, doesn't know his parents' birthdays, etc), but he can tell you the set up for a Formula 500?  It makes me feel like I'm not as important as anything else because he doesn't even try to remember anything I tell him or what's important to me 

I didn't mean to steal your thread, Sheila, but wanted to let you know that I wholeheartedly understand your frustration with your DH.  When you're ready to scream because you're not getting what you need from your DH, just remember how much your Sjoggie friends care about you and what you're going thru.

[Jaws]

Hi Sheila

I just wanted to send you warmest wishes and to let you know that we all feel moved by your situation.  'BonusMom' sums up how isolated we all feel sometimes when even our 'nearest and dearest' appear to be unsupportive.  I think that in your case, it sounds as if your husband felt obliged to say "okay, good idea" about the Valium.  It must have been a rather manipulative medical 'professional' to have asked for your husband's opinion on such a personal matter - that put him in a very difficult position and was not helpful to your relationship apart from anything else!

YOU are the patient, and still have a functioning brain....you are able to speak for yourself!

Good luck and do let us know how you get on.

Jaws x