Don't know

[Sandra]

Hi everyone, hope all is well. Not so much here. Got a call a week ago last Tuesday at 8 am, it was a woman's voice and she was in trouble but I didn't know who it was.....for a  minute.... then a lightning bolt shot down my spine as i realized it was my mother. I live close and when i got to her it was terrible. She was so sick, and i thought I was going to lose her in my arms before the ambulance could get there. Then for 3 days in hospital the same a constant vigil. She's doing better now, much much better, but me not so much. Mom has had cancer since 2005 but has been pretty much symptom free, just regular check ups and not even any meds. She lives on her own and she drove herself to her own eye appointment the day before and then we wrapped presents. My brothers and sisters have been by her side for the past week, and the Dr's and nurses can't believe she is still with us, me either. I told her at one point she owed us children nothing and if it got to hard she could rest and go to sleep. My mom is the strongest person I know this isn't the first time she has done this, they told us she may never make it through the removal of her one kidney, we kissed her as they wheeled her into the OR in 2005 and we didn't know if we were saying goodbye for the last time then.  Of coarse we am over joyed that we still have her, but I am not feeling strange. Can't put my finger on it. Like I am to frightened to believe it or something, or that my brain just has no concept or understanding of how bad the situation was and poof now it's not. How does one go from flat out dispare to oh, it's all good? I haven't even gotten a Christmas tree or any ornaments and I just can't make a decision about it. I am puzzeled why aren't I just jumping for joy? Why aren't i decorating everything that moves?
Do you think if I don't have some kind of Christmas that i will end up freaking out Christmas day?
I feel so wierd. Sandra

[Scottietottie]

Hi Sandra 

I reckon you're in a state of shock. Something like that really rattles up your system. Any time I've had to spend with kids in hospital - i always feel as though those are like days lost. Time stops somehow. It ought to be the same when you get home - and its not.
You must still be really worried anyway. It sounds like you coped with the situation when it arose - really well - and the enormity of it is sinking in now.
Stress is not good for us. Its part of life but not good for SjS.

Christmas will be Christmas whether you decorate or not. Do what you feel like - not what's 'expected'. rest up and I hope the rest of the holiday goes smoothly for you.

Take care - Scottie 

[Pooh]

Hi Sandra,
I couldn't agree more with Scottie.  Enjoy the decorations around you as you tend to your Mom.  Let others do the decorating and enjoy their efforts. 

Right now you sound as if you are in a state of shock and not sure of anything.  Try to step back and regroup, get your head clear and then make any decisions you have to.  I wouldn't worry about Christmas, it will get here no matter what. 

I decorated my outside windows and my husband put lights around the porch.  I baked cookies and that's the extent of my efforts this year.  We are going to our daughter's for dinner so I can't see dragging all that stuff down from the attic and then repacking all of it and dragging it back up in a few days. 

I hope all goes well for you and your Mom.  Please try to get some rest and try not to worry to much.  What will be, will be and no matter how much we would like to change things, it isn't in our power. 

Hugs, Pooh

[lynnmarie219]

((((((((Sandra))))))

I'm sorry for all that you have been through with your mom....I know how frightening it is when you go through things like this with a parent. We sometimes think they will be around and strong forever and look up to them as adults like we did when we were kids. And when something happens that is right in our face that a parent is ill and not so strong anymore and need us to help them.....it is difficult and confusing...even for grown and educated adults. It's ok to be confused about it all....especially at this time of the year when so many expectations are on us already!   

As the others have said...take a step back from it all.....you have all been through a lot the last week. You can still be there for your mom and I wouldn't worry about all of the "details" of Christmas.....it will still be! I didn't get things done like I wanted to due to being ill last week but that's the way it will be this year......I'll still go through it even though I may not have everything done perfectly and decorated. I never even sent any cards out this year, but Christmas will still come and go and we will  survive.

Continue to support your mom when you can and take extra good care of yourself as well  during this stressful time. You, your mom and your family are in my thoughts Sandra!

[JannaLee]

I think you are in one of those stages of grief.  Acceptance or preparation for the inevitable death of your mom.  This experience had to be amazingly shocking and indescribably painful/frightening!

I cannot imagine how you are even able to stand up after what you've been through.  I guess I would just try to be real and hug the family every chance I can this week, the decorations are meaningless if you find yourself alone in your bed.

I'm so sorry for this terrible episode!  I'm so sorry that your mom is sick.

Blessings and comfort to you and your dear family,
Janna

[SeaBreeze]

Hi Sandra, I wish you strength as you go through this tough time.. As the others have said, Christmas will come and go and be back next year.  I think spending thoughtful, focused time with your mom is really important.  It is hard for most of us, to let people do things for you... I'm sure if it were a friend going through same, you would be reaching out to them doing what ever you could, and those expressions would feel good to you, allow them the same...

[Sandra]

I was in shock when i posted i think, I have no other explaination, never felt that way before. To have been so side swiped to not even be able to grasp the joy, is very wierd.
And what a differance a few days make, mom is mom again, unbelievable If you only knew what she has been through these past two weeks and since 2003, husband diagnosed with cancer, caregiver to cancer patient, loss of a husband in 2004, 1 month later diagnosed with bilateral kidney cancer, 2 months later left kidney removed, a year later mets to her lungs, and scans every 3 months and oncology app where you hold your breath and pray there's nothing new, she's 79 and I will never forget the strength and courage.
Spent the afternoon watching Miracle on 34th street with mom and thrilled at watching her eat her chicken soup all by herself then came home and I put up a tree tonight, and bought some pointsettia and eggnogg. I plan to spend my entire Christmas at a hospital and I know I will never have a better one. Thanks everyone, and have a wonderful Christmas and adore your family. Sandra

[Scottietottie]

Hi Sandra 

I'm so happy to read your Mom is feeling better and has rallied round. I think this will be a precious Christmas for you indeed. Make sure you take lots of photos!

My Mom never got to be your mom's age. She went suddenly so we never really spent any 'precious' time.

I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas.

Take care - Scottie 

[salsen]

Sandra   You and your Mom will have a very special Christmas this year.  The decorations are nice but you both have the true spirit around you - sharing and showing the love between the two of you.  I know your Mom appreciates your time together and your closeness.  You have a wonderfully strong mother, who seems to have passed this wonderful quality on to her daughter. 

I wish you both a very Merry Christmas!  The location is just backdrop for the celebration shared by you both.  Please give Mom my greetings and let her know we wish her well.

[lynnmarie219]

Sandra,

It was nice to see that your mom was doing much better by Christmas and that the two of you spent such quality time together......that's what the holidays are all about! I will continue to keep you both in my thoughts!

[Patze]

Hi Sandra,

I too am glad to see that your Mom is doing better, especially in time for Christmas, that has to make the holiday season so much better for you.

Take care and keep us update -

Patze

[genko_b]

So glad to hear your Mom is better. These precious moments together are more important than anything else in the world.

Genko