I don't know what to do

[Scottietottie]

Hi

My daughter's at university. It's about 3 hours drive away. She wants to be collected for the Christmas holidays. Hubby is expecting me to do it. Three hours there and back strikes me as too long a drive. I'm going to hurt after 3 hours - never mind 6.

I suggested to her I went down on the Saturday and we drove back on the Sunday. She replied tartly that she didn't know if she'd be there on the Saturday. (by my reckoning - that would mean her room would be empty and I could slep there but we seem to think along different lines!) She asked why her Dad wasn't going for her. I answered that he hadn't offered to.
I told her Dad about the conversation and he wan't forthcoming.

I want him to offer. I don't want to say "you do it!" He should somehow know its his turn. I did it for the other 3 and the last time I did it for this one, I told him I didn't think I could do it again because it hurt so much.

Any ideas?

thx - Scottie 

[Collie]

I tend to be bluntly honest when it comes to these types of things, just come out and say it, "I need you to go and pick up our daughter because if I do it, i will be in so much pain, I will not be able to enjoy her being here, because the pain of driving to get her, will give me so much pain, i will not be able to function." Give him the choice, either he can go and pick her up, or you can, but you will not be able to function when you get home.

Collie

[JannaLee]

I've had to become blunt too, otherwise my husband will walk all over me and have me running to and fro!

But resentment can build because it is not in my nature to walk around with my fists up.  And I feel distinctly unloved when I have to take a blunt stand.

Interestingly, my husband thinks nothing of it and actually respects me more when I get riled.

I suppose I would make a holiday out of the drive and stay in a nice lodging, maybe get a massage. (which I cannot afford, but neither can I afford the copay on a hospital stay)

OR 

Tell dear hubby he has to do it, and you love him for going because he is shielding you from a terrible pain because he is so strong and wonderful and chivalrous.  And you will be waiting at home with a nice pudding for him at the end.

[genko_b]

Bribery is always a possibility. Or perhaps your daughter could call and ask him to do it.

Or she could take the bus home, and not make either of you do it. I went to college three hours away as well. My parents only drove me to or from school when I moved in and then out again four years later, otherwise I rode with a friend and paid for gas, or took the train or bus and had to come up with the fare myself.

The only time I called my father and asked his help getting home was in a snow storm, my friend and I had the flu, and the car we were in had a tree fall across the windshield, so we were freezing to death with the snow blowing in on us (yes, we were driving without a windshield). We got halfway home and called my father, who told us to wait in a hotel lobby and have some hot chocolate until he got there. That was the only time I ever asked for his help.

That's my thoughts.

Genko

[Pooh]

Scottie, I'm with Genko.  Is there transportation from the University to where you live?  Could she not take the train and be picked up from there instead of going all the to school? There has to be a solution other than you going.  I would tell hubby, either he goes or she stays.  I'm sure you could get through the holiday without her if she doesn't care to come home on her on. 

I hope you can resolve this without putting yourself through considerable pain. 

Pooh 

[Patze]

Hi Scottie,

I'm another one with Genko, kidlet often found a ride back and forth, or took the bus.  I took her down before the new semester to move her in and at the end of the year to move her out.

I would have a chat with the hubby, and hopefully he'll see picking up daughter is a good thing, vice having a spouse in serious pain/exhaustion is not something he would want during the holiday season.  Being in pain and in sheer exhaustion kind of takes the Ho, Ho, Ho out of the silly season in my book.


Patze

[Seeker]

Hi Scottie, sorry you are in such a dilemma.  I tend to agree with Pooh's advice.  You need to have a chat with your husband.  Sometimes its just a matter of helping him realize how distressed you really are.  I know sometimes with my wife, I am an ignorant idiot when it comes to her needs. When we sit down and talk about what's bothering her, the light comes on and I take action.  Exploring the use of an alternate source of transportation transportation is a good idea.  I would talk that over with your husband first. Ask his opinion.  Us guys are born problem solvers.  We love it when our wives come to us with a problem.  The down side is that we don't listen and hear what is really being said.  Anyway go to him first before you talk to your daughter.  That way you have a united front when you tackle the transportation problem.  I'll be praying for you.

Seeker

[susanep]

I am sorry you have to deal with this scottie. You might talk to your husband and tell him you are concerned about the long drive even though you would like to get her, and that your afraid you might end up in the hospital or something. Then you might ask if he has any suggestions. At least he should
not become  defensive that way. Well, it's all I could think of. I hope something works out for you.

Tonight me and my husband went out to do some christmas shopping, and we both were dreading it. After the first few stores, then we got to walmart and I just used one of those electronic wheel chairs. It helped a lot. I am not use to them though. I think I knocked something down.

susanep

[Chana M]

Oh Scottie, I can totally sympathise.  Maybe part of the problem is that your family all want you to be exactly the way you've always been, or the way they think you've always been.  I'm sure they're not unkind or thoughtless but they are acting as if they're unaware of what a struggle even everyday life is for you, let alone a long drive at the weekend.  As it is for anyone with chronic ill health, let alone AIs plus thyroid plus ... plus ...

My heart went out to you when you said you'd like him to offer.  Of course he should!  And you're right to expect that someone who loves you should see how much you're struggling and how hard it would be for you to do the driving.  I've been there so many times but I know in my heart of hearts that I've got to take part of the responsibility because I've always been the one who does things for others, and now everyone assumes I will.  Of course you want to be the same mother to your youngest as you have been to the older three but there are all sorts of ways of showing your daughter your love.

What do you think of Seeker's suggestion of male problem solving as a way of getting your husband on board?  I think it makes a lot of sense.  Would he (your husband, not Seeker!) respond to the idea of a weekend away together, staying somewhere cosy as Janna suggests?  Then you could make it a positive experience rather than an uncomfortable compromise.  You could also share the driving because driving when you're in such pain isn't safe, apart from being horrible for you to experience.

We have to do this every term with our daughter - youngest of three - because she has to empty her college room out completely.  It's quite a burden for everyone but there are solutions.  Maybe next term your daughter could plan ahead - find college storage?  Organise a lift share with fellow students? Get the train part of the way home?  Or even plan a fun weekend for you and her so you can get some rest in between drives?

Thinking of you - Chana x

[Scottietottie]

Hi  
Thanks for the replies. I think I might ask her to contact him. She wants to bring her computer home and also her laptop, for the holidays. There's no where to secure it at Uni and she's in her final year and doesn't want to risk her computer going 'missing'. I think it's unlikely but it has been known to happen to people.

I certainly didn't get lifts from my parents after I was about 17. I did a lot of hitch-hiking. (never tried hitching with a computer and a hamster though!)

Well - I'm to Christmas shop online and I'm really stuck for gifts for both daughters! They're usually easy but I haven't seen either of them for a while. Sons are sorted. (Usually the other way round!)

Take care - Scottie  

[littlelou]

((Scottie))

Try as they may, it seems like sometimes coworkers, family, and friends just have no clue. None of them live in your body 24/7, so I think it's easy for them to "forget" or to not understand how these seemingly simple things are really very trying. They think you can just "push through it" like they do or like you used to be able to do.

I think it's a great idea to have your daughter contact your hubby. He'll probably have a tough time saying no to his little girl. I know my dad always has. 

If this doesn't work, does your daughter have a driver's license? Maybe you could drive there and she could drive home? I know that could still be even too much and make you too tired but it beats hands on the steering wheel and having to stay alert, that's for sure.

As for gifts, your daughter is a tad younger than me, but I've been in love with etsy.com this year. Handmade things--purses, jewelry art, etc.--by artisans all over the globe. You can find some very reasonably priced, lovely things. Without leaving the house. (Yay for that!)

[wen.uk]

Hi Scottie

I can understand your worry - I'd dread doing that driv too.  You have to be totally honest with yourself and your nearest and dearest and if you don't thing you can do it - then don't.  (Ooops as you can see the fingers still aren't working too good and I'm sick of correctingh errors, hope you understnad).

Perhaps he doesn't even realise how you are feeling, but if you don't tell him and explain fully then maybe he just won't see it -that's men for you!!  How about suggesting a compromise in that you both share the driving?, and if that doesn't work throw him at your daughter's mercy!! 

Even better cunning plan - leave your computer on this page accidentally when you are away from it, he'll not be able to resist a peak !

Wen x

[pixi]

Hi Scottie.

What you need to remember is men are different from us. They do not get hints no matter how many you drop - in fact they'll just switch off, assuming you are nagging about something. If you do not tell them clearly what the problem is and how you would like their help to solve it, they will carry on in ignorant bliss, while you simmer away wondering why they won't offer to do what you want (They cannot mind read either) 

I have found if I am blunt with the guy about what I want, most things get done right away. It's also best to make it seem like he is doing you a favour and not obeying another command. Guys just love to feel like they are looking after you.

I hope you manage to sort this out

Pixi

[Chico]

Scottie,

I was in my 40's with arthritis and a torn rotator cuff starting to pick up the luggage of my perfectly healthy 25 year old daughter when I realized things needed to change quickly.

A rule of life I've found since then is don't do things for your children they are perfectly able to do themselves.

A senior at university should be perfectly capable of securing her property there and finding herself a ride home. Or asking someone else like her Dad to pick up the slack.

With my hubby sometimes if I explain exactly how difficult or painful something is to me he helpfully will volunteer and even enjoy. For example grocery shopping. Just asking him doesn't work nearly as well.

Chico

[Epson]

The perfect Xmas gift, a Grey Hound bus ticket.  It's a good learning experience too.