the "C" word

[Sandra]

Lucy, am so sorry to hear of your sis. You have a terrible experiance of seeing it through both eyes. I have been talking with a psychologist as mom's dx is really difficult for me, in more ways than one. First mom is a fighter and life lover, dad also loved life, and worked hard his whole life and loved his kids and friends, but he was 82 when he was dx'ed and he also was a much more relaxed, passive, gentle and acceptance type soul. He decided against allot of treatment at his age alsmost from the first and although very difficult for us especially mom we supported him by living the heck out of life. For him that meant spending time on his beloved farm, among his beautiful trees. The farm was his father's and dad came there at about age 13. It has a creek and it really is a piece of heaven. The reason mom's was is so hard is that when things were getting pretty hard for Dad, mom and I went out for lunch one day. We had a respite worker so we could just get out of that "cancer is my life haze" we sat there pretending to be happy munching on french fries together, mom's eyes filled with tears and then of coarse so did mine, I told her at that moment, the (an I hate the C word moment") that it was going to get better and that I could see us smiling again someday. She knew as did I that I meant after dad was gone and he suffered no more. As hard as that is when you love someone that much there comes a time when the selfishness and fear of the loss is overcome a long way by the wish for peace for them. And it was true but only for such a short time in our case as we let dad go on Dec 3 and by Jan 3 mom went into hospital. She got this terrrible black eyeball, where the white should be. it just came up! The ER doc said it was nothing but that bloodwork showed she did have a bacterial infection. I thought all brouhgt on from the fatigue and grief. She was hospitlized and on IV antibiotic. As they checked her kidney for damage by ultrasound they found a "mass" then another "mass" on her other kidney. It was cancer. Completely out of the blue, the doc said kidney cancer is often found in this manner. It was the hardest thing I have ever experianced, even with dad, and ever will I expect. I kept recalling the stupid luncheon from the Sept before, and those stupid words I had told her. I was so angry, I felt like I had been kicked in the gut,... for weeks, could not function for myself,auto-pilot, formom I still beleive that dad "gave mom that black eye!" because if I hadn't seen it who knows? But that was 2005, I have had so much fun with mom since and she too has had loads of fun,not to say there hasn't been lots of pain too. That's why I see my psych, I crumble when something new or the next step happens, I get so mad at myself for that as it in my eyes is allowing the cancer to win. I now really think my problem is that I am still back there in Jan 2005 with that horrible, ripped off, who dre hurt my mother feeling every time something new changes. It was such a blow for us all, our entire family has changed since.  I am working on it as for my mom I need her to know someday that I'll be ok, she'll need me to be, and I am afraid without help I might fail.
This is longer than I intended, sorry, but it helps, and for your sister and you Lucy and all of you who have posted that are going throug it I hope it helps rid your minds of the idea that anything you feel is either not normal or silly, or what ever. Sometime I would like to know from a patient's view regarding the emotional side of family and friends. For a long time I would not deal with the "loss of my mom" thoughts because if I did I was afraid I would start to cry and never, ever stop. (how could I take care of mom then?) So I didn't, we'd go to appointments and I'd be like I described in the first thread literally scared stiff. With the sjs stuff stress does that. Then I'd take mom to lunch and a little shop in the city, smile and laugh together, while my jaws were locked with tension, bring her safely home, and get to my house and just crash. So hard that I have stayed home for days on purpose not to see mom for the fear of falling apart in front of her. Well that didn't last long a year or so, then finally one day I couldn't go on. I marched to my mom's, it was a nice sunny day, all was well, no dr app in sight, no new bad news, mom's on the phone with some one laughing having a great chat when I come through the door, I stood there and waited til she hung up the phone and then just fell apart, pieces of me all over what a mess! I said "mom I'm not doing very well"  in this squeeky high-pitched for dog's only voice,(understatement of the century ) she just said "oh, honey" and sqeezed the life out of me and cried a little too....then when we were done we looked at each other and grinned and giggled at the patheticness of us then we said in unicine "let's go to Walmart" and laughed out loud and away we went, Lord knows there's always something you need at Walmart!
I still have a terrible time, but not that bad, I don't do that to myself or my mom anymore, and I'm working real hard to learn to deal on my own. Thanks for the ears, oh, I mean eyes. Take care Lucy and Linda, and Beverly and Pud and all. Sandra

[pudmott]

Sandra,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings and the process you are going through right now. Im so glad you are seeing someone and have an outlet as well as here that allows you to go through this process. THe relationship you have with your mother sounds so wonderful. Just remember whiile you are here you will never have to go through this alone or on your own. We wll be here for you anytime.

Where would you americans be without Walmart hey? I reckon Walmart alone could prop up your ailing economy. It seems to be the go to place for everything else........lol

THanks again for sharing Sandra and i hope you continue to make many happy times with your mum.

Pud