the "C" word

[Sandra]

Hi guys, hope everyone is doing ok, Thought I'd post as I'm fed up. The "C" word, Cancer and I am sooooo sick of the "C" word. Not me personally but my sister, she's 59. But I have been dealing with cancer hurting my family since 2002. First my dad, who left us in Dec 2004, then 1 month to the day after dad died my mom became sick, within another month she was also diagnosed with bilateral kidney cancer, she has done well thankfully but I think in December she will now be stating treatment as the spots on her lungs are getting a bit larger and she is feeling fatigued. Yesterday I found out my sister has a cancerous polup in her bowel that is malignant. They don't know how radical the treatment will have to be yet, but they did the full body CAT scan to check for other "C's" that they don't know about. Pray for us will you?
I tell you I am just so tired of the battle, sounds selfish a bit I'm sure but I am a firm believer that when a loved one gets cancer we all do. So many appointments, and tests and all of them for us out of town as we have no specialists or cancer clinics close to home. So tired of putting on the positive front when you are so scared you feel like you will make a fool of yourself by throwing up on the oncologists shoes, or that you will throw up and feel ashamed because the one dealing with the darn disease is stronger than you are...and so you just can't throw up because you are there to support not to fall apart and make things worse by adding guilt tho their battle. Sometimes I am so tired that I don't even feel frightened anymore, either I've learned that even if we battle and keep our eyes wide open, what will be will be, and there is nothing anybody can do about that, or maybe this latest news, of my dear sister who I have been joined at the hip with since I was 10 is very sick and I cannot allow it to be real or matter. That last line was stupid, it even felt stupid to write it, of coarse I and probably you to know it's the latter. I am so horribly fed-up, angry and hate this miserable disease. I am so mad  . Thanks guys. Sandra

[pudmott]

Oh Sandra,
I am feeling your world of hurt honey. I am so sorry this is happening to you and it is happening to you not just other members. It is always hard on the ones who are there to support. They are often forgotten. Feel free to be angry about all of this. you have every right and it is a perfectly normal process. Between my ex and myself we lost 5 parents 4 of them to various forms of cancer and it is tough. Even tougher when they are close.
I will be thinking of you and hope and pray that everything goes as well as it can for you. Remember to look after yourself too. You cant help them if you are worn out. Dont forget you in all of this.
Come here when you can and know that there will always be support here.

Take care my thoughts are with you

Pud

[irish]

Sandra, Boy, you sure have reason to be really mad and upset. I hope that you are getting enough rest in spite of all this so that you stay on the good side of a flare.

Sometimes cancer literally does show up in families. I know that the immune system is very much involved with cancer and that immunologists are often involved in the care of cancer patients also.

I do believe you when you say that the whole family gets involved when one of them is sick. I am sure it takes a lot out of every one of you who have to try and cope with the emotional and the physical issues with this disease. Please know that I will keep you in my prayers and feel free to come here and vent whenever you feel the need. You have to have some place to let it all hang out and this is the place. Hugs Irish

[wen.uk]

Sandra

So very sorry to hear about the time you're having - my heart goes out to you.  It's so difficult as you feel you have to be brave not only for yourself but also for the person who's ill and the rest of the family.  It's a vicious circle of everyone not wanting everyone else to know how worried you are, then making them worry even more - if that makes sense.

As hard as it is, try and take a little time out for yourself to recharge, even if it's only an hour to sit down and have a meal put in front of you in a cafe or restaurant.  Just wish I was closer and I'd cook it for you.

Love Wen x

[beverley]

Sandra,

I'm so sorry to hear your news.  I lost my Dad last November after a long long battle with prostate and bone cancer.  There were times when he was ill that I felt my whole life revolved around his illness.  It really is important that you take yourself out of this situation periodically and do something just for you.  You have to remind yourself that life has illness as part of it and not that illness is life.  I don't pray, but I will be sending you all my positive thoughts.  It's nearly a year and I still resent that Cancer took my Dad so for you, after already having two cases in the family your sister's news must be devastating.  Take comfort though that bowel cancer is one that can be treated effectively if caught early.  My husband had tests last year because he had a polip, but fortunately it was benign and they just snipped it off.  I hope your sister's treatment starts quickly and that the cancer is isolated.
Beverley

[Pooh]

Sandra dear, I can only imagine what you are feeling at this time.  Losing one family member, like your Dad, to cancer is one thing, but having your Mom, now your sister dx'd with it, is not only unbelievable, but so devastating for you and your family.  I can understand fully why you feel it is so unreal to accept. 

Please know that all of us will keep you and your family in our thoughts and prayers.  Take care and let it out here anytime you feel the need.  We will be here for you. 

Hugs, Pooh

[Scottietottie]

Hi Sandra 

I reall can't add to what the others have said. I'm really sorry about your situation. Life just is not fair.

(((((( S )))))))

Scottie 

[Linda196]

Sandra, your post touched me in so many ways...having been diagnosed with cancer myself three times (all mistakes), and then losing my Mom and Dad both within 3 months 10 years ago to different aggressive cancers, and my younger sister last year to a third type, I can understand the anger and frustration. I even completely understand the need to not allow things to be real, or to matter...sometimes that's just what we have to do while we collect ourselves, catch our breath, and then carry on.

There is really nothing I can say, other than to let you know that you are not alone, and your rants, vents and tears will be accepted and understood here.

[Sandra]

Thanks guys, Linda I am so sorry for your loss, must be very difficult being in the medical field and still being able to "do" anything to stop it. I find myself doing all these little things like learning and reading so when  the little things crop up I am ready to do what I can. Food, or bringing joy to them when they can't go out to find it but despiratley need it to carry on. I learned more about WWII the last year of my dad's life than I ever knew. I learned to work the helath care system that is terribly broken here. Figured out how to handle veterans affairs to get dad what he needed when he needed it not 2 months after asking while they did the paper work. I learned that cancer gives you the biggest most valuable gift you will ever recieve if you let it. Acceptance, peace, understanding, living in the moment, and appreciating the only things in life that trully matter. It's the worst of times and the best of times.
For mom we cherish every single day, I let her know. I learned what Mother's day really is for, as she had her right kidney removed the Friday before, we kissed her "for luck" "see you soon mom" all the while knowing in my heart this may well be my goodbye kiss. I send her a card every year on that date to let her know how lucky we all were that day and the week after. She has been making popcorn balls for 60 years for the little spooks at Halloween, now for grandchildren of the children that first came to her door. I remember the 1st halloween after her nephrectomy (sp?) we made popcorn balls to our hearts content and I told her in all my life 43 years then, I had never tasted such a wonderful popcorn ball.
Mu sis and I garden, actually she taught me, we are about 13 years apart and as a kid of 10 I would go to her house and stay over, we'd garden and then have a garden party lunch under her big maple trees with "real" china tea cups! I am trying to figure out how to name a rose after her, and fill her yard with them. It will be great, now she has two little gardeners of her own to help her gramma and great aunt. What a tea party we will have!
I am and have been so very fortunate and will take them both anyway I can have them, that's what I used to tell my dad when he was feeling blue and a bother. Cancer did not beat my dad at all, it won't beat my mom , my sister or anyone I love because we have learned how to beat it right back. Thanks, Sandra

[pudmott]

Sandra,
I have just read your last post and it really moved me. I just found out today that my best friend who is like my soul twin has not only got breast cancer but it has metatstasised in her bones. We had a very long conversation on the phone tonight about appreciating every day we have and taking time to stop and smell the flowers. We are planning to go to the beach and sit and watch the waves and colour in oictures in a colouring book and just be thankful for every moment we get to spend together no matter how long or short it is.

I am glad you have such a loving peaceful outlook on all of this because i know it is such a gut wrenching time. Maybe you can name your rose "The Rose of unconditional Love" It doesn't matter how pretty it looks or how battered it gets by life you love it just the same.

Tomorrow when i wake up i am going to get a photo of my friend put it in a lovely frame and surround it with positive energy. I will send some of that energy to you and your family too Sandra to get you through this trying time. My thoughts are with you

Pud

[Sandra]

Sorry about your friend Pud, glad to hear you recieved the cancer gift i wrote about, the understanding part where the only way cancer will beat you is if you deny life through it. I had to write and tell you that my sis's CAT scan results came back and there are no other "C's" anywhere in her body. OH my lord thank you and to all of you for your positive vibes. Now they will decide just how to appraoch the cancer in her colon. Take good care, Sandra

[pudmott]

Wow sandra some good news!!!!! I am so glad it is isolated and not spread. THey can focus on the colon now and banishe the critter. I will continue to send good thoughts and energy your way. Goodluck with this journey and may you be blessed with the strength to fight the good fight


Pud

[beverley]

Wonderful news Sandra and thank you for sharing your reactions and feelings about losing a loved one to cancer - it has made me review how I have felt about my Dad's death.  I too learnt more about him in the last 8 months of his life than I had known before.  My regret is I spent hours preparing a photo album of his life for his birthday and he died before I gave it to him.  Don't put anything off, I guess that's the moral and that's exactly what Pud is doing with her friend.  This topic has been both upsetting and uplifting.  Thank you.

Beverley

[eyeamdry]

Sandra, reading through this post, I can really "feel the pain."  That's lame, I know. 
I am a breast cancer survivor of one and one-half years so I can personally get into "this feeling."  My older (by 8 years) sister who lives in Pa. is in the hospital right now after they discovered cancer in her bowels.  This is her third recurrence.  A different place every time.

We are praying the tests they are doing today will show whatever is in there and they have surgery cancelled for Monday.  Let's all beat this "C" thing.  I'm tired of it too.  Lucy

[pudmott]

Hey Lucy,

My thoughts and prayers are with you for your sister honey. Three times is seriously unlucky. I hope they find where/what it is and can do something for her. You hang in there mate and take it easy


Pud