Frustrated with it all!

[Scottietottie]

Hi Katie 

Please try not to feel guilty. You're doing the very best you can for your Mom and that's all there is to it. Circumstances are dicating what is happening - not you.  You're going to run yourself ragged as it is without beating yourself up about it too!

Whatever your Mom says - I think you're being a wonderful daughter to her!

Take care - Scottie 

[lurkernomore]

Thanks again Scottie. Now the doctors are saying they don't know when she is coming home. She had spoken with a neighbor last evening and the neighbor told her that hubby and dad had begun moving her furniture out. Today she seemed relieved and told me to just go ahead and move everything to her new apartment and have it all set up for her when she gets home. Ummm, oh yeah, and be available to come back to the hospital should she need me for anything.

So I have been at the hospital since 9 a.m. and now I guess I'll be going to her house to start packing her kitchen and bathroom things up. I think I will most likely be there all night. I need some caffeine, I think. Ha ha!

[JannaLee]

Like Pooh I've been reluctant to respond because your story hits the mark in my life too and pushes a couple buttons!

My parent situation was so much like yours and got terribly bad BEFORE I came down with Sjogren's...I cannot imagine what it would have been like feeling as awful as I do now!

The thank-less expectation and manipulation from my parents have almost completely stopped but it took a really good therapist 2 years of asking me "Tell me again, why are you allowing yourself to be treated this way?"

I had to tell him all my excuses that sounded thin and emotionally immature when voiced out loud. 

He asked me if I would make such requests/expectations/demands on my child or even my worst enemy?

I had to realize my parents don't really love me but that's no reflection on me because they don't really love anyone else either...this made me REAL SAD.

Anyway it all hit home when he said my weakness with them is not heroic and sends a message to my husband and children that my parents or, God-forbid my own cowardice is more important to me than they are!  Pretty low moment.

It was a miserable process but I have come out the other side of it feeling free and better able to love the ones who deserve and truly need me.(children husband and my worst enemies)

I hope this doesn't sound righteous or preachy because my feelings of shame and regret are huge and so I offer my story with humility and sincere wishes of peace and love in your life.

Janna

[pudmott]

Way to go Janna,
You sound like you have been to heck and back and have lived to tell the tale. You go girl. Kudos to you. I think Lurkers story has hit a few of us here and it is just another example of how wonderful this little community is that we can feel that we can share and know that it is safe to share and be understood.

Lurker,
You look after yourself honey. Cause you know if you you don't say enough at some point your body will. Im feeling for you it is so hard to feel unwell and then have the demands of expectant family as well as going back and forth to the hospital. You take care

Pud

[lurkernomore]

Thank you Janna and Pud. It has been pushing me to my limits these past few days and this evening I have officially hit the wall. I'm feeling a bit put out with myself, because I really thought I could hold out, at least long enough to get mom's stuff moved.

Then it hit me that I just went back on the Plaquenil last week and it's giving me a lot of GI problems, heat intolerance, or at least I think it's the Plaquenil. I am having to park my car in a garage and walk about two blocks in heat better than 90 degrees, going to and from the hospital too. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but this evening, I just allowed the crash to happen. I didn't pack. I stayed home and rested. In my head, I feel guilty and antsy. But in my body, the hips, back and legs are screaming "give us a break!" LOL.

[pudmott]

your body must have read my post lurker, im glad you listened to it though and are giving it and yourself a rest.
Take care tomorrow is another day.


HUgs
Pud

[irish]

Kathy, I am going to throw this out at you. I got as far as the post where your mom is in the hospital. As a nurse who worked in geriatrics for 25 years in both nursing home and assistive living I got involved in lots of things.

I don't know the status of your Mom, but if she has her house stacked with things she has hoarded and is not physically able to remove herself from danger in this crowded environment, she is considered a vulnerable adult. She may even have more loss of mental functioning than you are aware of as the family is usually the last one to know this. A parent can be very good at covering up confusion, etc.

You might want to call Social Services and report this and you can do so in the USA without revealing your identity. Also, with your mom in the hospital you can talk to social services at the hospital and explain things to them. They may be able to take the bull by the horn. At times like these it is great to have social services be the "villain" and get the ball rolling to get a parent into assistive living etc.

This is just a thought. When people are in the hospital and are older they usually have a social worker assigned to them who is in charge of discharge etc. Maybe this would help you. When you can't do all this stuff it is nice to have some help. Irish

If she would have to go to assisted living etc it would give you a longer time to deal with the mess.