Still Not Having A Good Day (week, month or year, for that matter)

[ktfabian]

It's me again.  I feel so bad because I'm always complaining, but here's the latest:

I had my injections on my back last week to try to help with the pain in my legs which is most likely from the large bilateral herniation at L3 just above the fusion from L4-S1, and not  neuropathy from Sjs.  When my doctor came in to examine me just before the injections, he made the comment, kind of under his breath, "I don't know what we're going to do if this doesn't work because I'm out of ideas," then he got on me about my weight, and maybe said maybe if the rheumatologist would get me off the steroids, that would help.

Well, as long as I'm very careful, the injections did help.  But I mean very careful -  I can't sweep, I can't vacuum, I can't get over tired - you get the picture.

Also saw the family doctor to follow up on the fall I took last week that landed on my knee, and she thinks she feels some play in the leg, indicating a torn tendon, but my entire leg has turned black and blue (and very painful) so she wants to give it 2 weeks for the swelling and bruising to go away before she tries moving it around again, then will order an MRI if necessary.

Then, just after we found out that my son had been moved from "going" to Iraq status to "Standby, apparently now he's back on going.  I don't think I'll be able to stand it if they play this game until the actual deployment in September to Mississippi for training then on to Iraq by the end of the year.

And, just to round out my week nicely, I noticed my little cat was acting funny last night.  This is one of the kitties I bottle raised, and even though he's five wears old, he would still try to nurse on my tee shirt at night, then settle in for a nap over my heart.

He was going from place to place, acting as if he wanted to pee there.  Brutus had a lot of trouble with his penis when he was little because the other strays in the group tried to nurse from it and almost scarred it over  It took a number of surgeries to finally get it to stay  open, then there were complications when he got neutered.

My son and I took him up to the overnight Animal Hospital, and the first thing they did was say yes, it seemed his bladder was blocked, and then,  before even a thorough  exam, came to me with a bill for $1,700, half of which I needed to pay right then before they would do anything.  I don't have that kind of money. 

So the doctor went back to see if she could stabilize him til we could get to our vet today, and that's when she finally actually examined him an found that there was so much scarring from the original surgeries, that it was unlikely that she would be able to get a catheter into him even with major surgery.  She became human then, and told me that  it was unlikely that any amount of money was going to help my kitty, so at 2am this morning, I had my little Brutus put to sleep.

Thank God my son was with me or I would never have been able to drive home.  This little guy (he never grew to full size) has looked at me  and you could just about hear the words Mama coming out of his mouth.  I know there are many more important things going on in the world than the death of my cat, but I'm devastated.  In a fit of compassion this morning, my husband's response was, "Well, we still have the others."

And last but not least, for my birthday next week, I get not just a mamogram and a bone density scan, but for being really good, they're giving me a gastroscopy.  Of course, now that I know I'm having the test, my stomach doesn't hurt that much anymore. The week after all this, I'm having a neuropsych evaluation to see just how bad the word loss and typing, hand-eye coordination are.

I'm tired and I don't want to play this game anymore.
Thanks for listening once again.  No on here really wants to hear it anymore, so I really appreciate having somewhere to come to vent. I promise, my next post will be good news.
Tracy

[Pooh]

Aww Tracy I'm so sorry to hear about your Brutus.  It's always so hard to lose a pet, but especially when there is no other choice in order to give them peace. 

Also sorry to hear your son in on the "jerk me around again" list.  Our granddaughter's hubby just got back from Iraq last week after being in the thick of things for 18 months.  We are all overjoyed he is home. 

I can't say I like your birthday gifts either.  Oh Yuck!  Sure hope all goes well for you. 

Take care dear and you come vent all you want, anytime you need to.  Remember "When you're here, you're never alone". 

Hugs, Pooh

[LenV]

Tracy,
Your post broke my heart.  I could feel your pain and sadness.  When we love something or someone, we love with all our heart.

I'm very sorry about your kitty.  Being an animal lover myself, I know how hard it was.  I had a similar situation with a little Burmese and it haunts me until this day.  We worked with the vet for almost a week before we gave up.  It was the kindest thing you could do and the best for the animal.  It takes great love to be able to do this.

I know how worried you are about your son.  I would be too.  I have sons.  I hope he doesn't have to go. 

You come here and vent any time you want to.  We'll listen.
Hugs{{{{{{}}}}}}}

Billye

[lynnmarie219]

Tracy,


As the others have already said....never feel bad about coming here to vent...we will be here for you! I'm sorry that things are just so overwhelming for you right now with all of the medical "issues" going on and worrying about your son and his possible deployment.

And I am very sorry about the loss of your precious little Brutus. I am such an animal lover myself so I can totally understand the feelings of losing a pet. I have been there and its not easy...they become part of our family! But you did a very unselfish thing and now he is no longer in any kind of pain. Now he will live forever in your heart and memories.....he wont ever leave you! And even though you do have other kitties that still need your love and attention and will help you when you need a little snuggle......they will never take his place....they each have their own places in our hearts! 

Hang in there Tracy.....sending you some hugs...

[irish]

Tracy, I am so sorry that you lost your kitty. I had to put out 2 to sleep also and I had to take them home the first time cause I chickened out. Took me 2 weeks to get up the nerve again. It has been about 7 years or so and I still miss my Boots and Betsy.

Also, I am sure that you are bummed about your son. A word of encouragement for you plus a little concern over this stress in your life. I can't imagine the stress you are feeling, but this will really knock you off your feed from all the stress. The only thing I can add is that so much can happen in the next few months and can you put off worrying until the time comes. Premature worry is wasted energy. Believe me, I know as I was the worst worrier in the world years ago. I lost a lot of sleep from worry.

Happy Birthday to you next week. I think it was very nice of them not to give you a colonoscopy for your birthday. HOpefully your tummy will stay better. Worry is probably adding fuel to this fire also.

Other than that just keep on keeping on girl. You know you have the gumption to face all this stuff and see it through. I really feel bad about all the pain that you have to endure. I can't imagine living like that. That in itself would wear me out. I think you do darn good for having all this pain etc. Please know that I am thinking of you and just concentrate on developing new ways to do things so you don't aggravate the pain. Hugs Irish

[Linda196]

Tracy, I don't have the words that will take away your pain, nor am I close enough to offer a shoulder, or a hug, but please know that my thoughts are with you, and I hope you can gather strength, calm and relief from the heartfelt feelings of your friends here.

[Scottietottie]

Hi Tracy

I'm so sorry about Brutus. You did everything you could for him right up to the last. I know what it feels like to take cats on that last journey and how bad it feels for a long time after. Cats, like people, are individuals. They're one offs.

I'm sorry your son is back on the 'to go' list. For them to chop and change like that seems very unfair on both the young soldiers and their families.

It's fine to vent in here. You know that. You are going through a terrible time right now. Physical pain and mental too. Doesn't look your your birthday's a lot to look forward to either. I hope the tests are useful and that that things will ease off for you.

Take care - Scottie

[mcdreamyfan]

Tracy, I'm so sorry for what you are going through... I totally understand though... when it rains it pours... I'll join your pity party..... I still have Shingles!!!!

Hang in there okay? 

[Katybarstool]

Tracy

I'm sorry you have somuch suffering going on in your life. Just want to send you a big sisterly hug.

Kathtx

[ktfabian]

Thank you,all, for the kind words and encouragement.  As always, you lift me up when I', feeling really down.

I slept most of today and plan to go to bed soon - I think all my energy supplies have been used up.

It's hard to watch the other cats - you can tell they know one of their own is missing.  But they also cling to "Mama" which helps.

I'm really beat, but your words have really helped and I'm off to bed feeling better.

Thanks to each and every one of you, Tracy

[wordnerd]

I'm sorry to hear about your cat and everything else you have going on!  It's so hard to loose a pet especially when you have so much other stress going on.  Sending you good thoughts and *hugs*.

-Lauren

[Skylar]

(((HUGS))) I'm so sorry to read that you have had more than your fair share of troubles right now. I'm sorry about the loss of your kitten, especially since this one was so special.

Take care,

Skylar

[loulou]

Tracey

I am sorry for the loss of your family pet Brutus, its very sad, a friend of mine has lost her dog after 18 years, she cuddled her in her arm until she took her last breath, poor thing, her
young has been pineing since.

Its not fair the on/off with your son going to Iraq, what a horrible mix of emotions. I really do hope it doesn't happen and he doesn't go. I wish they were all back with their families.

Best wishes for your birthday Tracey, sorry that you have a lot to cope with right now, sleeping does help if you can.
I pray for a better week.

Please take care sweet.

Loulou

[ktfabian]

Hi,

I just wanted to thank everyone again for all the encouraging words.

I still miss Brutus, and so do my other cats - they're acting up tremendously.

But I think the injections may have finally kicked in.  I've noticed in the past few days that the pain is not nearly as bad and I actually have some extra energy.

My son is away at training in case he gets deployed, but we're still praying hard that he'll remain on stand-by.

The other tests are still ahead, but I'm doing my best to think positively.

In the meantime, my husband has been encouraging me to start writing again.  In my prior life, I did a fair amount of writing professionally.  He thinks my first article should be about how hard it is to get adequate pain treatment in the ER.  I think I may just give it a try.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all again and let you know that, for this week anyway, life seems a bit easier.

Take care, Tracy

[Scottietottie]

Hi Tracy 

Good to hear that things are easing up a bit. Any little bit helps. I think writing again sounds like a great idea. It can be a great release too. I hope you let us read a piece you've written sometimes.

Take care - Scottie