Dating?

[Gorn]

This may seem like a trivial topic ... but it matters to me!

I don't think I am the first person to suffer a break up as a "complication" of their disease. In my case it was a 27-year marriage.
So, I am at the point where I am interested in meeting people, maybe even thinking I could have a relationship again.

But the fatigue...
I actually went out on a date last week. So here we are in a coffee shop at 9pm, and I've already had two shots of espresso (I never drink coffee at night). I am just trying so hard to stay awake, but all I want to do is go home and rest and sleep. My date, of course, thinks she is having trouble holding my interest, which wasn't the case. Needless to say, that experiment did not work out.

I don't think you tell your partner on the first date, "Oh, by the way I have an incurable autoimmune condition."
Or how about, "We can only go on a date between 9am and 6pm or else I will keel over from exhaustion."

Entering the singles world after a relationship that long is hard enough all by itself.
Throw in all these added limitations and complications...
I really don't know how to do this.

[warmwaters]

So from my "trying to have friends" life rather than my dating life... Plan to meet at your best time. Plan for lunch on Saturday rather than  9PM on a weeknight, if that's going to help.  Don't say yes to a mountain hike that's going to wear you out. Try to get to know the other person a little bit, and assess the compatibility before springing the health issues on them. But don't wait too long either - try to treat it in a straightforward manner.

I usually say something like - You may have noticed I usually ask to get together during the day.  I have a health problem that means that I'm pretty tired by about 7pm. So I really appreciate that we've been able to get together for lunch.

Of course the person will ask about the health problem. Try for a short answer that gives a BRIEF outline of the key issues.  Such as - I've got an autoimmune problem. I get tired easily, and sometimes have some joint pain. It's also variable, so I have some times when I feel better.

And of course answer questions. But after (too many years) of experience, I find that keeping it simple and focused on how Sjogren's impacts my ability to be  friend (I get tired, sometimes I have to cancel) is a good way to start.

[WhatYouSjo]

I have not been in your position, but I've always wondered whether it makes sense to look for a partner with a chronic condition as well, who can better understand what you are going through.  Of course, the flip side is that, as a couple, you would both have limitations on your daily capabilities, though many conditions are easier to manage than SS.

I'm not sure if you are using online dating tools, but I could see how they might help. I'm sure many people don't advertise their condition on their online dating profile, but there are probably enough that do to start connecting, at least if you are in a reasonably populated area. If you are doing online dating, perhaps it would make sense to add a note to your profile that you have a chronic condition that can limit your activities, so that potential partners are aware from the start.

[Nymph]

I haven't been dating much lately but when I have brought up health issues in the past, it has gone well. It's actually pretty natural for me to bring it up in passing and not have a big conversation about it on the first date because I can't eat gluten. I explain that I have an autoimmune condition and that a number of symptoms improve without gluten, and then that's fairly straightforward. It also gives me a sense of what kind of person I'm dealing with. If they're an all-in-your-head-er, I can tell right away and it becomes a last date. So my advice is to start with one simple thing. Time to meet could be that thing.

[Carolina]

Ah, Gorn, the first thing I have to say is that any woman would be proud to know you better, to date you and to find joy in your presence.

I agree with Warmwaters that evening 'dates' can be replaced with activities earlier in the day.  I also know that dating now usually involves late nights, so even asking for times other than late nights will be a challenge.

I, of course, am not 'in the game', since I will be married 54 years this summer.  Therefore, I have almost no advice to give.

I just want to say this:  there are many warm, wonderful women who seek someone like you.

Speak to your date of last night, ask her to see you again (if you wish).  She will show her interest.

Hugs,  Elaine

[trejonina]

HI, the best explanation is saying you have Chronic Fatigue syndrome, most people understand that. Even my doctor. md. friends can''t understand or forget my SJ : the brain fog. fatigue etc. How old are you ?

[quietdynamics]

Gorn..by the time folks are in their 40s, they already have some type of 'baggage'.Some is good, some middling, other well, it depends on how one views their 'baggage'. Not all bags are designer and coveted..lol.

When I started dating in my mid 40s, (before Dx) I had family responsibilties (two children.. so a male could view them as unwanted baggage or assets) in any event.. due to maturity and realizing I was not meeting men through friends, I preferred doing lunch dates where I drove and met in town with shops to cruise and something to talk about. Art galleries, antique shops, cafes.

So why not try a few dates for lunch. YOU may not enjoy the company of the person and after lunch it is done. You get to visit a interesting area and take the positive with you.

If you talk and the person is into high activity interest.. well not a good match.
There is a meet-up site on the net for different interest for groups..many singles go.. photography, different things. So perhaps finding like minded people would be a foot up on the ladder?

I view having a "chronic condition" as one facet of who I am, not the sum total.
Some people are in a place where a condition takes center.. and for me their company is draining. So I do not focus on it.
I met a man who remained a friend and later learned he had insulin/injection dependent diabetes.. just not center for him in company.
Another man during dinner made such a production of taking pills for diabetes.. it was a turn off.  Two different people, different approaches to their conditions.
I have needed to sit and take a rest and had the 'date' feel relieved because they did too.. 

So a Sunday Brunch or Lunch for starters to see if you even want to see someone again is physically and emotionally safe for both parties is what I have learned.

Have fun, be you, and go with your own flow.

[Gorn]

Thanks so much for the replies!
A lot of sound advice / ideas here.
I especially take to heart the point about acknowledging my condition, but not making it the center of everything.