Life and Death - Something Bigger at Play...

[Head2Toe]

I'm not sure if this is the appropriate place to post this, but the events of the past few weeks have been weighing increasingly heavy on my mind, and I hope sharing this helps to lighten my load... 

My husband, daughter, and I attended a funeral on Saturday.  The service was for a 32 year old colleague who collapsed at his desk two weeks ago from a massive stroke.  They say it's a miracle he made it to the hospital alive, but he died a few days later after being removed from life support.  Because it happened at work - colleagues who witnessed the event and/or attempted to administer first aid are understandably traumatized.  But even those of us who were not present have had our world rocked.  I'm still having difficulty fully comprehending that he is gone.  And why.  It makes no sense.

In a very bizarre surreal twist, since that event two other colleagues have had strokes (both are recovering), and another had a life-threatening cycling accident on her way to work.  These three people were in their 40's - 50's.

Thankfully our organization has a Critical Incident Response Team; they've spent a lot of time in our office lately.  Each time a new announcement is made, people have become increasingly unsettled, and I've heard many comments akin to 'But he/she was so young and healthy!'  and  'If it could happen to him/her...'  The rest of the sentence hangs in the air - unstated but understood.  Things I have NOT heard colleagues say is that they will make lifestyle improvements <eat better, exercise more, or quit smoking> to avoid a similar fate - perhaps because virtually everyone of our stricken co-workers were non-smoking, active, and from all outward appearances - very healthy.

I don't pretend to know what it is, but there is obviously something much bigger at play than age and lifestyle choices.  I keep returning to the saying 'There but by the Grace of God go I.' 

[irish]

When I first started working years ago there were not many "tragedies" that occurred. By the time I quit work I could not believe the stuff that was happening and it wasn't just here and there. It seems that a couple of times a week there were big time events that were happening to members of our staff and/or their families

It is scary and it is mind boggling. One of the biggest mind bogglers we had was having one nurse have a grandaughter who needed a heart transplant. That only happens in big cities to people far, far a way. Not in small town upper middle west.

It takes a lot of moxie to endure all these hardships with your staff and there is pretty much nothing that can be done if people are leading safe, non toxic lives. I will add that strokes are much more common in people who do certain types of illegal drugs so I hope people are not leading secret lives. Cocaine is one of the prime examples. Stay safe and sane in the midst of this and take care of yourself. My sympathy to all of you in your office. Irish

[susanep]

Some of this talk reminds me of a year I taught at the high school where we live, and it was a class of kids with severe and profound issues. I arrive one Monday morning all ready to start a fresh new week with the kids, and as I am walking up to the door that was right outside my room was a couple of the kids and one adult crying.

I knew something was wrong, but in that class anything could happen at the drop of a hat. There had been a fire in two of my students house over the weekend. Two brothers with one who burned up with his mom and dad, and the other one getting out.

It later was suspected the one that got out may have started the fire, and the other one and his mom would not leave the house, because his dad was bedridden, and had previously been in the nursing home.

Me and another staff member were sent to represent the whole school to the family of this one, and take some food, money, and our condolences.

Then me, my husband, and other staff members went to the funeral with 3 caskets lined up, and the boy who got out at the front all smiles when he seen us. He was probably in shock I am sure.

Took me a long time to get over that one.

I had another girl who was literally dying in my arms of complications of cystic fibrosis when we called the ambulance.

The other one I won't forget was a older teen I had in a class my first year of teaching at an alternative school for court ordered kids, and he come into my room with these kids one day with blood all over him, and a knife. It kicked in to me a real calm, because all I could think of was the safety of all the kids. He trusted me was why he was there. He had been in a bad fight and was looking for me to help him.

I calmly talked him into going with me to a teacher on the other side of the school who taught nursing and would be able to bandage him up. We walked that way together, and I knew my time was running out, and going through the cafeteria I said out loud to one who knew me what's for lunch? As she was answering me I quietly with no sounds said. HELP! She nodded, and in a few seconds the principal and other men were there to take this guy away.

There are so many more stories like these during my teaching time so no wonder I have so many things wrong with me today. 

I loved the kids though.

susanep

[Head2Toe]

Thanks Irish and Susan.  It does help to share.  Knowing that others outside of my sphere can relate is really helpful.  I'm not sure why, but aside from my husband and daughter, I haven't really talked to any of my family/friends about this - perhaps because I'm still trying to process it.

Irish - I hadn't thought at all about drug use.  My first thought was:  None of these folks seem like 'the type'.  But then I had to acknowledge that 'the type' is not always easy to identify     I suspect it's more likely linked to fiscal year end activities (especially intense in Feb/March) - which in the corporate world can be extremely stressful. But admittedly, that perspective may be based on my own personal bias and opinion that stress is the single biggest threat to health...

Susan - Those stories are shocking - and if my work environment was anything like that I would run for the hills and never look back.  Kudos to you for being the kind of person who truly embraces those children and earns their trust, and the trust of their families and your colleagues.  That says a lot about you.

Tragedies like this sure can make one sit back and think about a whole lot of things in a totally different light...

[irish]

Susa, No wonder you ended up with autoimmune disease. Talk about precipitating events----you have certainly been through some. You are one tough cookie. Irish

[lane]

For years I have been reading about the various stress factors that effect our lives...moving, new job, death of family member.   Two years ago my husband got a phone call from the Fairfax Co unty, VA police telling him that his younger sister was found dead in her house.  What shock. She was his only family of origin member left and the youngest...to me she was one month and one day older...my first peer to die.  As the only relatives we handled the estate by driving from the midwest several times.    After all was settled, my husband was hospitalized with exaserbations of COPD.  I developed a terrible cold and couldn't even visit him.  Then, I developed a UTI that lasted from Feb. to Sept.   My husband was hospitalized once more and I have now been diagnosed with myositis and interstitial lung disease.  Stress and grief I believe are to "blame". 

[susanep]

I am not really tough. I always just somehow connected with kids and teens. I usually feel like the low girl on the totem pole. lol.....

Hey I guess really if the truth is to get out, all of us folks on this board are the toughies. hehe...

Love ya all!

[bartolo]

Few weeks ago, at my place, a journalist, a 42-year old woman has died from stroke from full health as far as I know. It can be brain artery aneurysm, for example, not just clogged arteries that can cause stroke.

[Carolina]

Hi Head2Toe, what is the something bigger?  Bigger than what? 

Inquiring minds want to know!

Hugs,  Elaine

[irish]

I took the Bigger to mean "in the realm of things leading up to or involving a situation/health." I didn't take it as meaning bigger as in more severe health issues. Just my thoughts. Irish

[Carolina]

Oh, Irish, I thought maybe it also meant that there isn't really a 'balance' in how life works, at the individual level. 

Doing all the right things can't protect you from the  random occurrences.   

What most people don't realize is that cancer arises from chance mutations, and while some of these are the result of behaviors that may produce mutations: smoking, occupational exposures, excessive alcohol, there are many random mutations beyond our control.

Likewise, genetic high cholesterol may produce coronary artery disease, no matter how careful a person is.

And of course there are 'acts of God':  accidents, weather disasters, etc. that may strike anyone any time.

But I don't know if I would describe it as 'bigger' exactly, just beyond our understanding.

And of course, I don't believe that tragedies strike 'for a reason'.  Those innocent children and teachers killed in the Sandy Hook Shooting, or the people on the airliner that was crashed on purpose by the suicidal pilot, did not die for a 'grand reason'. 

And it is always an illusion that a there are more deaths and disasters.  As we age, our total of those we know who have suffered increases.  Actually people used to routinely lose half of their children to illness before the age of two.  And life expectancies were so much shorter that there were deaths in everyone's lives all the time.  And most people also died at home.

So on the whole, life is still good.  and precious.  And it always ends.

Hugs,  Elaine

[Head2Toe]

I deliberately didn't try to limit/interpret what 'bigger' means - because I honestly don't know.  It was just a convenient word.  I think both of you (Elaine and Irish) have covered what was in my mind.

Most humans attempt to identify why stuff happens so it makes sense to us (as I have been doing over the past couple of weeks) - but ultimately I think it's all just a big Universal mystery.  I guess I lean more toward 'karma' than what is generally considered to be 'healthy lifestyle choices' (don't smoke, eat well, get exercise) - although I also think karma and 'good lifestyle choices' are linked to some degree

[Carolina]

What is most interesting to me, Head2Toe, is the assumption of so many that quantity of life is super important.

And of course it is, at some point. 

We had a friend, a wonderful and caring pediatrician,  who died at age 40, leaving children 3, 7 and 9.  Indeed a tragedy of a life too short!

And of course, my own father was killed in Action at Normandy in WW II when I was 2.5 and my sister was 5 months old.

But I practice those 'healthy behaviors' and visit my long list of physicians in order to achieve Quality of Life, not Quantity.

We celebrate life as it is for each of us, however.  And know that when there is a tragic death, it is those left to live on who suffer.

It is always the living who must be cared for.

Hugs,  Elaine