Need input to my feeling overwhelmed.

[susanep]

Thanks to all of you girls.

Each of you said things I can identify with or know is true.
It means so much to me especially right now.

I became such a basket case last night with no sleep, etc. My husband finally early this morning, or well, yesterday morning now, called one of my sisters that lives closest to us, and told her we had to go for his endo appointment, and then for later today now a podiatrist app, go get flu shots, and me and him another shot, and then we have not had sleep, and that I was in no shape to give dad any injections etc.

We have not heard from either sister since. Right now I must admit I am grateful for some solitude.

One bit of info I didn't want to post, but I think I should for all of you who care and understand.

Before this last time dad was put a few days into the hospital and then sent on to the nursing home for rehabilitation, my husband ran into a neighbor of ours at a store that lives right across the road from dad. He told my husband that during the night his dog kept barking and barking. He kept opening his door to tell it to be quiet, but it wouldn't so he watched it, and seen it running back from dad's house to this place in the road where a deep ditch to the side is over a culvert.

He finally walked out to where the dog was, and he said there was my dad laying down in the ditch and making sounds, but couldn't get out.  He and his son in law got dad out, and because he himself has diabetes knew the signs, got dad something to eat, and then dad was himself again. Dad's blood sugar had dropped too low in the middle of the night and that is where he ended up, and he didn't know where he was.

I had given dad hard candy to keep near him and on him and told him why, but he forgets so that doesn't help. One sister made that aware to his doctor too. The dog basically saved his life. (he deserved a steak)

So yes, things have really been serious through out all of this. When me and my husband got married, my dear precious mother gave us this beautiful picture with what she said was her favorite saying. You will recognition it. 

* God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
  The courage to change the things I can
  And the wisdom to know the difference *

My mother said this helped her through many situations
I guess I need to now take mom's gift to me, and put it to use.

God Bless all of you for your thoughtful words, and I could tell they were carefully thought out. I love all of you.

Each of you will be blessed many times over. Something I believe.

I will let you all know how it goes.

Hugs,
susanep

[quietdynamics]

Here is a site for you and your sisters to research.
http://www.payingforseniorcare.com/

Dad's doctor of many years determined that he needs 24 hr care.
Now he is home alone. Is that a recipe for imminent disaster? 

It is very difficult to be told that the recommendation/opinion is that a person who was once the 'family provider, independent' is to not go home to all the things he knows.. his comfort zone he worked so hard for and his memories.  To stay in an alien place, at the beck and call of strangers " like a child".

I would find the imminent goal is to keep Dad safe and make the process physically easier for you and the closer sister. So if that means having Dad stay in shifts with one of you, for meals, preventing falls, using the time to embrace the time with him.. then go spend time on weekends with the furthest sister.. instead of running over to his home (and when not there wondering if he is alright), for peace of mind this is what I would work out.

*When I brought Mom home for Hospice it was infinitely less taxing, more relaxing vs. dressing, talking to doctors and driving to visit her one and two x's a day.  All of that energy could instead be spent on 'us' and have some left over. It was easier to take a nap while she slept.

- There are longer acting insulins that do not require injections X 4. If that is an option.
-** Children (not spouses) who are caretakers can be certified and receive pay for their services.  That is on the link.
Those monies could be used to off-set the cost of an aide. Some nursing home aides work privately as well part-time.
* Or better, help pay for cleaning help for you and your husband for the time being.
- Since your father cannot give himself injections, is he eligible for a Visiting Nurse?

Have Dad and daughters looked into senior housing/assisted living?
With his history of hip/osteo.. falls are a concern and all that would entail.

My paternal grandmother was independent in her own apartment in NYC well into her 80's, until some heathen apparently followed her from the bank and mugged her in the building stairwell and tossed her down the stairs.
She came to live a month with one brother, then a month with the other.. then the other other brothers' wife decided it was too much for her. So grandmother was full time with us.  I would bathe her and take her for car rides. Took her through a drive-thru car wash and thought she was going to have a heart attack.

She was spry and healthy, eventually losing enough of her sight that a home health care person was hired when we where out of the home. Parents at work, myself at college.

In her very late 90's she did go into a nursing home and passed just shy of being 100 years old.
She actually liked the nursing home and being with others her age, having "life and times" experiences in common.
I believe it is healthier than having a TV going for company.. more stimulating for them, understandably.

[litliwlowa]

Susan

I'm going to toss this idea out there as a possible consideration. Obviously we don't know the specifics of your dad's situation other than he requires 24 hr care.

What about adult day care as an option? I have a neighbor who's grandmother has alzeheimer's. Every week day she goes to day care. The grandmother is under 24/7 supervision in that arrangement. At home Mary's daughter and granddaughter take turns.

I don't know the costs, or if that is an option even through elderly services in your state...just another idea to bounce around with your sisters.

I mean maybe your sisters would be more agreeable to stepping up to the plate with THAT option as opposed to having your dad live with you.

Just a thought.

Amanda

[lighthouse33]

Adult Day Care Services

helpguide.org/articles/caregiving/adult-day-care-services.htm

[quietdynamics]

Susan,, found another online resource.  Eldercare Locator, a public service of the U.S. Administration on Aging connecting you to services for older adults and their families.You can also reach us at 1-800-677-1116.
http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare.NET/Public/Index.aspx

Thank you for your post.

With symptoms limiting abilities we have discussed downsizing. Preparing for what will be.

Next will on the horizon will be the care of MIL when that time comes.

The other point about your post is the reminder of some strings I need to tie.. so that my own children do not have to experience what you are going through.  And some pitfalls I encountered.

Hope all is moving along for all of you.

[grammad97]

Susan-
I am the oldest sinking in my blended family. My dad isn't my biological parent. I was 7 when he and mom met. My middle sister is my half sister and the only biological child of dad. Youngest sister is adopted.
Our mom passed away in 2000. I took off three months to care for mom during day time.( My health was not as bad as it is now so I could care for her.)
I was chosen to be the keeper of advanced directives and wills.
My dad is now 84. He lived with my husband and I from 2000-2011. We had to move for work and dad wanted to stay put so he moved into all inclusive senior apartment.
Fast forward to 2014- dad is in an out of hospital - he has diabetes ;COPD;CHF;renal failiure and is now morbidly obese. He cant walk across his studio apartment without using a walker and he now purchased a used motorized chair to get around his senior building for meals. His retirement building will transport him to medical appointments and stores plus if he wants to go another time he can afford private disabled transport services.
My sisters are constantly wanting me to be the food police (so he will eat right) and his private taxi service.
I cant lift his walker or push him in a wheel chair nor will I add a lift gate to my vehicle so he can have his scooter.
I stand my ground and insist he utilize other transportation.  I documented (with dads approval)to each specialist Dr how my dad is not following their advice on diet and exercise and its ridiculous to be visiting multiple doctors a week.
My sisters are not happy but it was the right thing to do for me and dad.
Hadn't dad not been coherent cognitively I would have arranged for him to be in an assisted living situation.
My health is important to me. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Do sit the sisters down and put the "ball" in their lap!
Hugs and moral support.
Deb

[harrigan]

Sending you love and hugs Susan.  I am carer to my Dad who is 86.  He moved round the corner from me last year after Mum died.  It makes life much easier as there is no need for transport - I can literally run round with a meal in 30 seconds.  However, I know I can't do the nights and he has had several hospital admissions when I can't care for him at home.

You have to be clear what you can offer and get help for what you can't.  And also be prepared for that to change as your health changes.  Every day is not the same with AIs and if you wear yourself to the ground, it is to no-one's advantage.  I know in your heart you want to do the right thing and you are a lovely daughter for wishing that.  Please keep us posted and let us know how things are going.

Here for you when you need us,
Ailsa

(PS just re-read that and it is a little bit of an exaggeration to say I literally run round to Dad's ...It has been more of an ungainly hobble lately!)

[susanep]

Thanks Deb and Ailsa, and I appreciate everyone's help. It does mean a lot!

My dad can't walk anymore without his walker, and can't drive anymore after an accident. He has a pace maker, and has congestive heart failure, and his diabetes is getting worse all the time. He now has the open weeping ulcers on one of his legs. I know how serious that is, because my husband has had them.  He also won't eat the way they tell him even when he is taken the healthy foods. He hides sweet treats, and salty chips behind his chair. He has severe loss of bone in his hips. When he walks I know they just grind together. And also, as another said, due to his cognitive ability, he doesn't want to leave his house.

I am taking care of me now though. I have too.

I think mom was the only one who could really keep him in line. lol...

susanep

[litliwlowa]

And also, as another said, due to his cognitive ability, he doesn't want to leave his house.

Not uncommon for our olders to prefer to stay in their own houses. However, reality is what it is.

Even if your own medical situation was better, the reality is that even with the best of intentions to honor your father's wishes, his wishes contradict what is in his best interests as supported by your description.

When we were little, and our parents took care of us, I think most of us can recall a few times when what we asked for something we wanted we got that "No". Our parents were looking out for our best interests, which don't necessarily line up with what we need.

Then it comes full circle when one or more parents reaches teh stage of needing full time caregiver support.  Then it is up to first - who was given the authority - second, in the best case scenario a collaborative effort with the siblings to act in the parent's best interests.

I am happy to hear that you are prioritizing taking care of you first.

I still to this day recall a former manager of mine who's husband developed alzheimers. We'll call her Lois. Her husband Jimmy. She worked FT, had health issues of her own. She kept Jimmy home far too long. HE was the sweetest man by nature. But those cognitive issues at times resulting in him becoming violent. Got to the point she had no choice but to put him in a home. It became a safety issue for her.

Sounds like your dad has reached the point of not being able to act in his own best interests. It is what it is.

The person he designated to act on his behalf carries the brunt of the decision, and is ultimately accountable - period.

So as a sidebar, don't let your sibs pull the guilt strings either.

[SjoGirl]

Like others I feel for you. So many of us have been through similar family situations.

I work in an elder care organization and have come to know just a bit about services in our local community as well. If you have not I suggest contacting your Area Agency on Aging. They are an umbrella organization that can help connect you to services for your dad and you and your husband.

You will be in my prayers.

[susanep]

Thanks again folks. I do appreciate all the links to help etc. I don't think it will be very long until dad is in a home permanently.

susanep

[lighthouse33]

Questions and Answers About Medicare for Caregivers

medicare.gov/files/ask-medicare-questions-and-answers.pdf

Diabetes and Long-Term Care

diabetes.niddk.nih.gov/dm/pubs/america/pdf/chapter28.pdf

Home Care and Support for Diabetes

interimhealthcare.com/Home-Care/Information/Diabetes

[susanep]

Hello Everyone, I wanted to give an update about my dad.

He was put in the hospital today, due to his back hurting him so bad, but also due to part of the protocol before going back into the nursing home. We 3 sisters have agreed that it is time for dad to go into the nursing home permanently now. He has had more falls during any short time someone is not there etc. He was not hurt, but don't want him to be hurt. It was hard for everyone, but we know it's the right decision for dad.

Keep us all in your prayers.
Thank you all so much. All of you are always in my prayers.
susanep

[Carebear]

Oh, Susan.  I am sorry to hear about your dad.  It brings back my experience with my own dear father.

But the good news is that he is getting proper care in the hospital and will eventually be living in the safety of a nursing home.  I am also glad for your sake, and dad's, that the three of you were able to work together and come to an agreement.

Yes.  Saying prayers for all of you.

[susanep]

Thank you Carebear,

That means a lot to me.

susanep