I get this email this morning....geez, how to respond?

[Mexgal]

So this is my first real post.

So I got the following email this morning from a neighbor and friend.  I have known her for about 13 years.  They also fell in love with Ajijic, Mexico after we moved here 8 years ago.  The house next door became for sale and my DH and I bought it and are renting it to them.  We told them we do not really want to be landlords so we rent it for a reasonable amount and they keep up with maintenance.   Back in "the day" before I knew I had SS we all would go out more and I would have my couple of Negro Modelos(yummy beer) and all enjoy our evenings/outings, etc.  But now that I have been diagnosed and am on all the meds, my doctor told me that I can't have alcohol.  Yes, I do miss those beers!  Oh and pizza!  Yes, like many of you I stopped eating gluten, refined sugar, most dairy(still have Greek Yogurt, nightshades and nitrates.  So my diet is limited.  I really don't like going out to eat as my choice here in Mexico are limited.  And my SS presents itself many times in my GI track.

When I am in a flare, like most of you know, you don't feel like talking or visiting or doing anything at all.  In addition, when  I am healthy I focus on staying healthy.  I walk 4 miles a day and do all the above.  Right now she knows that my DH and I have tons going on.  My mother had emergency surgery and my FIL who lives here in Ajijic just had back surgery and we are driving an 1.5 hours to the city to take care of that. 

Anyway, I did share the article on here that was posted and recommended.  The one written by a doctor who has sjogrens.  I shared it with her and other friends describing what I go through as this article really hit home. When I shared it with my DH he said it sounded just like me.  I never heard back from her and several other friends.  I did hear back from others that thanked me for sharing so that they know what I can go through.

Now this friend and her husband are BIG drinkers.  They go out and party all the time.  I can say that I believe they might be alcoholics.  So I choose to not participate in many things or I will go for only a little and come back home when people start getting "stupid".  I just don't like being around others that are drunk.  So here is what she wrote...anyone else go through this and have any advise?

" Dear Sallie,
We have been friends for many years now and I feel our relationship used to be that we could be open and honest.  So I am going to be honest in sharing my feelings with you.  It seems like I have maybe ?lost? you as a dear friend?  If I have done something to offend or upset you, I would hope that you would tell me.  You used to share with me things going on in your life and I was gladly there to listen, offer support or any help that I could give.  I feel that you have pulled back and we don?t have the same connection.  If that is your intent and you just want to keep your distance, just tell me and I will accept it.  I can be just a friendly neighbor and tenant.
I know that you have been dealing with issues on your plate but know that I am here to listen if you want to share.
Your friend,
Love Gail"

Oh,  and I just don't feel like I have much in common with her and it feels like an effort to be with them.  I don't want to hurt feelings and want to be friendly but I know she can't understand what I go through and seems to want to give advise all the time...yeah one of them. 
Sallie

[Carolina]

Dear Gail,

Thank you for your kind email.  As you know I have some chronic issues with my health, and my energy levels and ability to 'connect' with activities and people has ups and downs.

Back in "the day" before I knew I had SS we all would go out more and I would have my couple of Negro Modelos(yummy beer) and all enjoy evenings/outings, etc.  But now that I have been diagnosed and am on all the meds, my doctor told me that I can't have alcohol.  Yes, I do miss those beers!  Oh and pizza!  I stopped eating gluten, refined sugar, most dairy(still have Greek Yogurt, nightshades and nitrates.  So my diet is limited.  I really don't like going out to eat as my choice here in Mexico are limited.  And my SS presents itself many times in my GI track.

When I am in a flare, I don't feel like talking or visiting or doing anything at all.  In addition, when  I am healthy I focus on staying healthy.  I walk 4 miles a day and do all the above.  My mother had emergency surgery and my FIL who lives here in Ajijic just had back surgery and we are driving an 1.5 hours to the city to take care of that.

Please know that I consider you a valued acquaintance and that I appreciate your concern. 

Regards,   

[Carebear]

Hi Sallie.  I like Elaine's response because I think you really did say it most clearly yourself to us in your post.  I always think that if someone asks for the truth, then they should hear it.  Nothing wrong with that.

People change, after all. 

I totally get it.   

[litliwlowa]

Sallie

How do you want to respond to Gail's email? I'd start with that in how you respond.

While Elaine's response sounds reasonable, I'm not sure I agree with the content of explaining yourself  AGAIN in response to Gail's email. Especially as it sounds like you explained yourself and situation already in the original communication as described that your other friends apparently understood easily

What you describe of the communication you sent out to your friends and acquaintances was explanation enough on that aspect. What amazes me is how Gail has personalized and distorted your original communication - especially when your other friends clearly "got it" that you have some new challenges in your life and as such won't be as available etc as you have been in the past.

Go with your gut on this one, especially as they rent from your and like it or not, you are their landlord. That aspect of your relationship with them of course you want to keep intact.

[Mexgal]

Thank you all so much for your input. 

I do feel like I have explained in detail and shared with my friends and family how life has changed for me.

I am not going to rush to answer as I want to be sure to say the right thing.  And I guess I have to accept that I might not say the right things and it will be taken wrong. 

[Carolina]

Dearest Mexgal, we cannot ever control what other people think of us, or think about anything.

It is soooo annoying.

But it is what it is.

Hugs, Elaine

[slccom]

Also consider that many alcoholics take it personally when you quit drinking with them. My personal belief is that anyone who cannot have a good time without alcohol is an alcoholic.

Sharon

[litliwlowa]

Also consider that many alcoholics take it personally when you quit drinking with them. My personal belief is that anyone who cannot have a good time without alcohol is an alcoholic.

Sharon

Yep, my belief and observation as well.

[quietdynamics]

Of course we do not know Sallie the person, who you have know for years.

Her email and that she sent an email, rather than call on the phone, is the lease intrusive way she could approach you.

Seems she is offering her support, not her and her husband or party night.

So I would not rehash old stuff and just stay in the moment.

Thank her for offering support and that you are dealing with a lot at the moment with yourself and family illness, which takes away physical and emotional energies .. you are focused on staying as healthy as possible with rest, quiet walks and healthy foods.

So while it may seem that you are pulling away.. you and your husband have made lifestyle changes..taken a turn in the road of life and are finding it to your benefit. People change.

If you want you could mention that with the chronic condition you have; since there are times, activities, and foods, etc. that your body can no longer tolerate you have found other enjoyable alternatives to replace them.

Good luck with this..

[Mexgal]

Thank you all so very much for your support.  I do so appreciate it.  I know you can't all know the exact circumstances but your advise was much appreciated.

I decided not to write an email.  I think so much gets lost in emails and can be misread.  So I talked to her in person and explained that I still very much cared for her and considered her a friend but that my lifestyle had to change so that I can increase my odds of being as healthy as possible with the Sjogrens.  I explained my new focus and what I was doing to exercise and eat right and not drink.  She was interested and seemed to understand. 

I know that my DH and I will still go out to eat with them occasionally and I of course will eat and not drink but at least my DH is very understanding and when the "party" gets loud and such he brings me home.   

So at least now that stress is behind me and I don't have to focus on that.

Thank you, Thank you all!
Sallie
 

[MarieB]

Mexgal,

I think that was perfect.   Taking her email on face value, she appeared sincere and thoughtful, as was your response. 

Best wishes. 

Marie 

[litliwlowa]

Sallie,

You handled that perfectly, in my opinion. No substitute for in person simple communication,

Amanda

[slccom]

And good for you to not just immediately reacting instead of waiting to think it through. And the thoughtful advice from people here was outstanding!

I'm so glad that worked out so well for you. Old friends are the best.

Congratulations!
Sharon

[bloodless]

Glad it worked out. I think everyone on this board has ended up distanced from friends as a result of sjs. It's best to keep a distance from alcoholics anyway. I too leave the party when people start getting "stupid". So annoying!

[warmwaters]

So glad that it worked out. I find myself explaining to be people that I'm not as reliable as I used to be. I used to be one of those people who showed up for things even if I was sick as a dog. But I can't do that anymore. That while I would love to be doing <stuff we like to do>, sometimes I just can't.  And it's not personal. And that sometimes I don't know til that morning, because sometimes I wake up and don't feel very good.

And I'm lucky... most of my friends do their best to cope.

Sounds like your friend is trying to cope too.

Yay!