Grrr! Mothers!

[slccom]

My Mom just left after spending a couple of days. There was intermittent sniping about the state of my house, which is terrible. But I am making progress and will get things done. But right now I don't feel like doing much of anything except shoveling in carbs and fat! She doesn't want to realize how ill I am. And my husband is zero help and mostly hindrance with the house and yard. Frankly, I don't want her to come here ever again.

I never felt safe at home growing up, because there would be harsh criticism coming my way at random intervals, mostly for things I had no idea were wrong. It came from both parents, and I met my emotional needs with a fantasy world I inhabited a lot that nobody had any idea exists. I realized later that it was terribly sad that I sat in my first college dorm room contentedly, having gotten it set up the way I liked it, thinking "Home is where my favorite possessions are."

I guess I need to get to work now, since I do have a lot to get done before band rehearsal. Thanks for letting me vent!

Sharon

[finallyadx]

Dear Sharon - so very sorry to hear you were criticized and made to feel badly about something that is not your fault and you are doing the best you can with.  I think knowing what you know about your life, your illness and the way you were made to feel when you were younger at home, this seems like a "regular" occurence or more the norm.  Have you ever told your mom how you feel about her harsh words and how truly sick you are?  Or do you feel she will not care or you will be met with more harsh words?  Either way, I think you have a good attitude about it-you are venting and feeling badly about the way you were treated but you are moving on.  You are doing the best you can - we all are - none of us ever sit here and think today I am going to let my house get crazy cluttered or dirty and I am going to enjoy not being able to do anything about it.  We all have limitations and we do what we can, when we can and it will all be there tomorrow for us.  Do not worry about the house or the harsh words.  I know easier said than done.  Take a deep breath, be thankful you are here, you have a good attitude and you do what you can each day.  Do not let others harsh words or lack of understanding for what you are going through day in and day out affect your or the way you live your life.

Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.

[eija]

I never felt safe at home growing up, because there would be harsh criticism coming my way at random intervals, mostly for things I had no idea were wrong.

Sharon, my childhood was very much like that. Just that to me the criticism came from my dad, added with severe detraction and constant humiliation from my sister. Later, in my adulthood, the criticism started to come from my mother - at worst she accused me of being a lousy mom. At that point I told her to "butt out" and said that how I raise my kids is none of her business and if she doesn't accept that then she's no longer welcome to my house.

All that (and then some) has left serious scars in me and I guess I'll be paying for them for the rest of my life. One consequence is that I don't want to tell any of my stuff to my parents or my sister. So they still don't know about my Sjögren's, my fibro or my depression. They do know that I had a long sick leave and that I now work only part time but I haven't told them why. Today my dad called because they needed to borrow a roasting pot from me. I said I'm too tired to go anywhere today and that lead to dad starting to question me why I'm constantly so tired. Eventually I just yelled at him, telling him to leave it because he wouldn't give up. Sigh.

My parents live about 500 m from me and my sister is 50 km and brother 200 km away from us so I'm the one they're pestering. They come over often and complain when I don't call or visit them often enough. Sometimes when they come over there are random comments about the pile of dishes in the kitchen or the sand and dog hair on the floor, but not much, thankfully.

So I know your pain, believe me. My opinion is that one should respect their parents and treat them with love and patience so for a long time it pretty much killed me to first be trampled by them and then to fight them for it, but for the sake of my sanity and the well-being of my family I just had to take a stand. No matter who they are, they aren't allowed to hurt you and treat you badly - and you don't need to be a door mat.

Hang in there, and let your mom's comments be gone with the wind. You're a valuable person and you do what you can with what has been given to you. And if your mom doesn't get that, it's her loss, not yours. Okay?

[Velcro]

I'm sorry Sharon.  I had a former Mother-In-Law like that and I remember wishing she would just drop off a cliff (bad as that sounds).  It's not easy being constantly criticized.  My Mother told me one time just to remember everything she said was a reflection on her, not me.  Doesn't make it any better but I did learn to repeat that to myself over and over again when dealing with her.

[eye2dry]

I believe that when close relatives speak like that to you.....they feel entitled to it.

Like they can say what they like , no matter how hurtful b/c you have to love and forgive them

"they're family"!!!


My mother says hurtful things to me and to some extent to my middle sister,

the sad thing is she really doesn't know any better.......I sense she was raised the same.


I feel for you.....and understand what you are saying.

Now get out there and sing/play with your band...................

eye2dry

[lighthouse33]

I am really tempted to download this book to my Kindle.  I really want to read it.   It gets great reviews.  The only thing is, my dad pays the bills and he likes itemized bills.  I'm not sure he would appreciate this purchase, probably would be offended.

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Dr. Susan Forward

I grew up with him, a narcissist and my mother, who is a survivor of domestic violence from her first marriage.  Not only did he beat her but he was an alcoholic as well.  She never went to therapy to deal with this and won't talk about it.  She's just taking it out on me for the past four years with all the yelling and screaming.  When she was growing up, she was raised by her grandparents.  Her father was an alcoholic.  He shot one of this girlfriends.  It was not a good home life. 

[litliwlowa]

Frankly, I don't want her to come here ever again.

Well, I haven't had contact with my "mother" in 20 years for "similar" yet more complex reasons and I have zero regrets of my decision. And I use the term "mother" loosely. I think for me it was an easier decision considering she did not raise us, my father did after they divorced. My mother is extremely toxic which is precisely why I have nothing to do with her in 20 plus years. Nor will I ever again. Not about forgiveness, more like if a snake bites you once, who with any common sense at all would walk back into the viper's den to get bit yet again? Not me!!

Along that same train of thought, part of my management of my medical situation is to keep toxic and/or negative or controlling individuals out of my socialization. Some I would even go so far as to refer to as emotional leeches. I don't need the stress and my purpose in life is certainly NOT to live their lives for them nor dance to the beat of their "music".

But you have to deal with your mother in a manner you can live with the consequences of, and perhaps some distance would be a good thing for a time.

As for expecting her to understand how ill you are? If your own mother can't connect the dots on that YET, perhaps paradigm shifting your expectation of her to understand into acceptance that she likely isn't going to. Then in your "quiet time", reflect upon some clear boundaries to set with her if you decide to continue having her visit.

It is your home, after all, and it is your quality of life that her visit is apparently affecting in a negative way. Respect flows both ways - it is certainly reasonable to expect her to respect your home which is akin to respecting YOU - no matter what condition your home is in. If the condition of your home isn't up to her standards, it is in my view totally disrespecting towards you for her to take issue with you over it.

[slccom]

Thanks, everyone.

I hope to avoid the toxicity from my mother, but I really don't see any reason why she would stop here again, since she isn't going to be going back and forth between Texas and Colorado any more. She is awfully critical on the phone, too, and I may have to keep them short.

She is deep in denial about a lot of things. Including her own depression, which she stubbornly refuses to acknowledge, never mind treat. That comes out in her nasty comments and negative outlook on everything. Her life would have been much more pleasant if she had gotten treatment.

Lighthouse, "it was not a good home life," is about three orders of magnitude beyond an understatement! I'm sorry. Is there any way you could find another living situation? That is not healthy for you, as I'm sure you know far better than I do. Seriously. Maybe we could set up some sort of communal living to escape from toxic family.

The whole "entitled" bit includes the notion that "I know you better than you know yourself." Uh huh. Sure. We all do know that I am NOT permitted to sing where other people can hear. Sometimes, even including me. Play, yes. Sing, only if you want to clear the room really fast.

Telling my mother how it makes me feel is a waste of my breath, and something she interprets as an attack on her. I wish I could get through to her, but there is no hope of that this incarnation.

Sigh. Thanks, everyone. I do feel much better.

Sharon