Husband Troubles Again--Venting

[Carolina]

Dearest Ark mom,

I'm watching the same thing happen in my family right now.

No need to see beyond the first step, because the process evolves and you and your children will evolve with it.

Pain is the price tag of emotional growth.

But it is pain well spent.

Hugs

Elaine

[CMNK12]

  Love and prayers to you. Ck

[slccom]

I'm asking Angela Hoy for a free copy of her e-book for you. I'm pretty sure she'll send it to me and I'll forward it to you privately.
Hugs,
Sharon

[Aquarius]

Dear Ark Mom,

Avoid letting your analytical mind (the "yes, but"... part of you), or concern about the future and the unknown, keep you from making necessary changes.   

It is a major red flag to see pathological lying in anyone.  It is a serious character defect. 

We deserve people in our lives that add to, not detract from. 

I am concerned about his effect on your children.   Even if he is a great Dad, kids pick up on their environment.  Girls, in their later years, can be attracted to men that remind them of their father.  They will expect to be treated in the way their father treated their mother.   In my case that was quite fortunate as my father was a kind man, devoted to my Mom.

I think you would shudder thinking of your girls in a relationship with the type of man you married.  They already have his genes.  It is risky having him remain in their home environment as a role model they observe - his mood, behavior, lying and unwillingness to address problems.       

Intelligence and a caring heart shines through your posts.  I pray for a decision that leads you somewhere better. 

[Sleepy In Seattle]

I am sorry you are going through this but so glad you are making positive changes, however difficult they are.

Please, PLEASE - see an attorney IMMEDIATELY!!!! It is very important that you go through all this stuff correctly, or I suspect your husband will lie, cheat, and steal to make sure you get as little as possible from your SHARED assets. You need to IMMEDIATELY make copies of all bank statements, pay stubs, tax documents, deeds, car registration, insurance policies, retirement accounts, EVERYTHING. Also go through the house and photograph ALL assets, no matter how insignificant. Make copies of family photos and videos - in nasty cases, sometimes people will steal/destroy those things simply to hurt their ex-spouse. Get a hold of all those things and put the copies in a safe deposit box and/or at your attorney's office.

Have a cell phone in your own name that he cannot cancel or access. Have a safe place you can go with your children. Even if he has never been abusive, it sounds like he's a sneak and not to be trusted - you never know what the stress of a divorce will do to people. Please be smart and safe - for yourself and your children. I am not trying to scare you - it may all go really well - he may not react badly at all - but if you feel he's been lying to you all these years about so many things, then you need to be smart and proactive.

Sounds like you are making a good decision...this is the hard part, but I bet in a year or so, once you are out of the shadow of all this negativity, you will feel sooooooo much better, and so will your kids.

Best of luck, and please let us know how you are doing!

[eye2dry]

I don't know much about these kind of situations but one thing that

struck me as odd. Why would he put the restaurant receipt right out on

his dresser in plain sight? And is seems at the same point in time say he had

a canned shake in the office.


Did he want you to find it? Does he want a divorce and is trying to

provoke you to ask for one?


I am very sorry this situation is like this, it must be awful for you, I can

only imagine your pain.

take care of yourself and your girls

eye2dry

[Velcro]

My experience with people that are pathological liars, especially if they have been getting away with it for years, think they are untouchable. Thus leaving the receipt in plain sight is nothing they worry about because they know they can lie themselves out of it.

[Ark mom]

I have not been sleeping well the past few nights as I am horribly anxious about my state of affairs.  My appt is tomorrow morning with an attorney, just for a consultation. 

I am almost to the point of madness over things.  I have been having a painful flare-up ever since my knee surgery in June.  If I don't take a hydrocodone every day, I can barely function.  I have never had a painful flare-up like this.  I don't know how long it will last.  What if I never get over this?  I feel like I am a real person in a joke body.  I cannot count on it to be there for me when I need it. 

When I run scenarios in my mind about filing for divorce, I feel impowered and strong, like I could accomplish anything and go back to work like a champ!  My children and I live happily ever after in peace.  Then, I am jolted back to reality when I have a day like today that I am so tired and feeling lots of pain, and my mouth is so dry that I can barely talk.  Where are your super powers now, Wonder Woman? 

After a day like today, I realize that I am a pathetic excuse for a super hero, that I can accomplish very little and have no business even thinking I could survive outside this marriage--housing, car, health insurance, medical bills, drug costs. 

My mom tries to encourage me to leave him and try a new life, which I would gladly accept, if I knew I could count on my body to allow me to work. 

Curse you, body!! 

Then, after work, I must care for two little children on my own.  Being a single parent is difficult enough, even for the healthy, but here I am with this crummy chronic illness!?  I feel I would fail miserably, then lose my children or have to willingly give up custody because I can not take care of them, let alone myself.  My mom would help, but she is 65.  She cannot be here for me forever. 

My dad took us for lunch at the art museum today.  I could barely handle it.  I agonized over all of the people, much older than I, zipping around and enjoying themselves. 

An aside, my husband doesn't even wear his wedding ring anymore, even though he hasn't lost it, a bold statement, showing me how he feels about me and our marriage.  I asked him about it once, and he said it was no big deal. 

I am not a fighter.  I cannot fight what is going on in my life.  I have no control over my health.  My husband thinks, perhaps rightly so, that I am too sick to divorce him, too sick to live a normal life, and with that, he is able to treat me as badly as he wishes.  He has power and control over me that I may not ever be able to escape. 

If nothing else can happen soon, depending on what the attorney suggest, I am starting to substitute teach this fall, as much as I can when Bruce is in town.  If he is traveling, I won't sub because I think that would be too much for me to handle. 

[Carebear]

Dear Ark Mom,

You are experiencing so much stress right now, I am not surprised that your body is in revolt.  Be kind to yourself, and please try to tell yourself you CAN do this.  You just need to take baby steps.  Slow and steady.

I think starting to substitute teach in the Fall is a great idea.  It should help your self-confidence and hopefully you can stash away some of that money too.

Maybe there is someone you can live with, even temporarily, once you and the girls start your new life.  And no, your mom won't be there for you forever, but she's there for you now.  Let her help you.   That's what moms do. 

[Cassi307]

Ark Mom
I am sorry that you are going through this. My suggestion is to empower yourself. Don't let the messages that your husband is sending you leave you crippled. You have challenges to deal with such as your health and starting a new life but you do have the strength to do this. You have already taken the first big step by making an appt with an attorney.

I am also a single parent but did not have marital issues so maybe what I say may not carry weight for you. But, when I let panic take hold I was unable to move forward. Now I write out a plan for myself and when I find myself falling into a state of despair my plan reminds me that there is a way out.

Remember stress will make you feel worse. Look for the rays of hope and show him the stuff that you are made of.

Sending support and wish you strength.

[Carolina]

Again, I see this close at hand.

The emotional stress is overwhelming.

But it HAS to be gone through.

Doing nothing is doing something:  that something is empowering the current situation to GET WORSE, the kids to get older with a model of tolerating the unacceptable on one side and doing the unacceptable on the other side.

Your fears are worse than the reality of change.  I KNOW this, both from my own experience, and through observing others.

If your mother supports you and is half way a positive influence, do what you can as soon as you can.

You must go with the hard thing that is RIGHT, rather than staying with the hard thing that is WRONG.

You can do it.

Trust.

Hugs

Elaine

[Velcro]

No one has control over you, unless you give it to them.

That is one of my favorite sayings. Thinking of you.

[Sleepy In Seattle]

From what you have said here, i do believe that once you make the break and go through that rough, stressful transition, being in a better situation and away from the abuse will buoy you up more than you think - while the stress of the change is hard on you and your body, in the long run I bet you will be FAR HEALTHIER once you are out of this marriage.

I am so glad you have supportive family. 65 is not that old - my mom is 73 and still runs circles around me! Speaking as a mom (I know you are one too, so you can relate...) NOTHING is worse than seeing your kid suffer. I am sure she will be OVERJOYED to help you - and think what a wonderful example you are setting for your kids - to be brave and choose HEALTH and LOVE over sickness, depression, disrespect, and abuse. You would NEVER want one of your kids to stay in a marriage like yours, so SHOWING them how to get out of it is the best thing for ALL of you - whatever difficulties it incurs in the short run.

Research shows that in truly unhappy marriages that eventually break up (and also those that don't, where people just live and die miserable...) the kids almost ALWAYS report that even as difficult as divorce is, they wish their parents had split up sooner. Kids need HAPPY parents more than they need MARRIED parents.

The disease presents some unique problems - but lots of people with unique problems end up being successful single parents - people who are disabled, people who are poor, people who have to travel all the time for work...almost no parenting situation is without challenges. You can do it - and you DON'T have to do it alone. There are community resources for single parents - you probably just don't know about them because you haven't had to seek them out yet. You may find a whole new wonderful, SUPPORTIVE group of friends to share your burdens and joys with.

It may really surprise you what you CAN do once you are out from under his negative influence.

Best of luck, my dear - you know we are all rooting so hard for you. I'm filled with hope and joy for you that you have taken the first steps and are being smart about things - seeing the attorney, etc. Please let is know how you are doing, and carry our best wishes with you tomorrow. ((((((hugs))))))

[Carolina]

Heavens, Ark Mom,

I am 71, with tons of conditions, and my 43 year old son has moved in with us, divorcing (perhaps) after a 16 year marriage, a 6 year old daughter, 11 year old son and 14 year old son, and two year old beagle. (the beagle comes with the kids).

We had the kids for the weekend.  We will have them Tuesday through Thursday morning.

This is LOTS of stress.  But it must be done.  He has been miserable.   And while I don't know what will happen in the future, this had to happen now.

So your mother will cope, and speaking as a mother, I know that Sleepy in Seattle is right.

Hugs

Elaine

[slccom]

It isn't as if you are effectively a single mom now, but with one much older "child" who is very rebellious and a major problem.

You can do this, and will be far the better off for it!

Hugs, Sharon