Husband Troubles Again--Venting

[Ark mom]

I am unable to sleep as I am very stressed.  I know many of you know of my troubles with my husband.  We have only been intimate a handful of times in our 6 year marriage.  He is very withdrawn in general.  He refuses counseling, and so I have just been kind of treading water.  He lies to me a lot about finances, among other things.  I have nowhere to seek advice! 

Here it goes....

I tried calling my husband today at work at 11:20 am or so to see if I could drop off lunch to him.  Nice, right?!  He never answered, nor did he call me back all day. So this evening, as we were getting ready to sleep, I told him that I was trying to call him today about lunch.  He said he was sorry that he didn't look at his phone all day as it was plugged in.  Really?  His business cell phone?  All day?  I doubt it....

I asked him nonchalantly what he ended up doing for lunch.  He said he stayed at the office and had
a canned shake. 

My heart sunk.  I kept quiet and rolled over into my pillow because an hour earlier I found a receipt for the Vietnamese restaurant on his dresser in the amount of $39, including tip--FOR TODAY at 12:30pm, when he said he was at the office.  Why in the world would he lie about lunch?!

I am going to find someone to watch the girls while I drive over to the restaurant tomorrow to talk to whoever saw him or served him at the restaurant.  One person alone would spend maybe $20-25 tops in there for lunch.  It seems as though he was paying for two people to eat. 

I am just sick inside.  I know if he was cheating on me he would never admit it.  Never.  I have caught him in several huge lies, and he still denied everything, despite the proof. 

One time I found the mop (green handle) broken in half and green paint marks on the garage railing.  He denied breaking the mop and claimed that someone broke into our house and broke the mop over the railing.  Seriously.  He expected me to believe that ridiculous lie.

Another time, when I noticed that there was a $13k bonus on his paycheck stub and asked him where the bonus went, he claimed that he really didn't get a bonus.  He said that payroll made an error and accidentally posted the bonus, when in reality, he didn't get the bonus.  He expected me to believe that lie, too.  I actually did for a while. 

He acts like he despises me.  He won't touch me, talk to me, or even smile at me.  He is very secretive and tells me nothing about his life or what he does.  We have nothing more than a business relationship.  I wish I could divorce him.  I don't know how I could without a job and with sjogrens making it hard for me.  Maybe he will just do it.  I really thought that I married a good man.  I made such a mistake.   Now this.  I doubt I will sleep a wink.

[Piebird]

Sorry to hear you are having such a bad night.

I totally know what you are dealing with.

It was soooo hard for me to leave and life was hard after I did. 12 years later I wish I would have left sooner, it all seems like another life.

I knew I was worth more and I was right

[Jellyb]

Ark mom,
I am so sorry...  I cannot imagine how lonely you must feel. He sounds truly cruel in the way he treats you.  You mentioned he refuses counseling,, but perhaps you could go on your own and get some advice on what to do if you choose to leave, or how far you go to try and save the marriage.

I wish you courage and strength

[tamaran17]

sending you prayers and strength! i just went through a divorce recently so i can relate.

[finallyadx]

Sending you positive thoughts and prayers. 
It is difficult enough having an autoimmune disease that is so unpredictable and cause you such different symptoms daily, never mind having a spouse who is so unsupportive. 

I agree with some of the other posters - even though he is not willing to go to counseling, maybe you should to see if you can figure out what you want and need to do to improve your life.  I hear what you are saying about leaving someone when you have no job and feel as though as you cannot work because you are so sick at times with sjogrens. 

Hoping there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you.  Hang in there.

[Velcro]

Thinking of you.  I married a very good liar as well, and for many years knew I should leave, that I deserved better.  I didn't because of kids and my guilt associated with them if I did, plus trying to figure out to make it on my own with 2 kids.  21 years into the marriage, he had an affair and left.  I was so upset, and it wasn't actually because of him leaving, it was a "how dare you" after I stuck it out all those years.  I too have regrets that I didn't leave when I first knew I should.  It was many wasted years of my life that I can't get back.

I spent many years being lonely Ark.  I had great kids, a job and things to do, but I was still so very lonely being in that loveless marriage.  I hope you do go see a counselor and get some advice on how to help you, not him.  Listen to your gut.  I wish I would have.

And just so you know, it ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me.  It wasn't at the time, but I am so much better off now.  I remarried a very supportive, loving man who treats me well.  I didn't know what I was missing until I met him.  I did, but I didn't.  I am a firm believer that when one door closes, another opens.  You just have to be willing to go through that new door.

[irish]

I have not had your situation, but am going through it with a relative. He should have left long ago but stayed for the kids. It would have been better had he left earlier.There is heart break at the time and many issues that are not always easy to resolve, but life is too short to spent it with someone who may be making your body more ill than it really is.

Stress can make you sick and autoimmune will be worse in the presence of stress. Counseling and asking for help is the way to go. Living with someone who steals your soul isi not worth it. Just my thoughts. IRish

[Carolina]

Dear Ark,

Sometimes the right choice is hard, even seems harder than the wrong choice.

That's life.

I always want the right choice to be obvious and easy.

It isn't.

This is my way of saying that staying in denial and pain will only get worse.

Making a change will be super hard, and scary, but you will be moving towards better.

However, only you know when this is possible.

Is there any way to get objective counseling?

I wish everything were easier.

Hugs

Elaine

[jpd54]

 I had a "former life".  My ex was the same way. 

I was scared.  I had never been alone.  After the divorce was all over, I wished I had done it sooner. 

It ended up being the best thing that happened to me.  My stress was gone.  I probably should have gone to a counselor

but I had a good friend to talk to.  You know that you have that here.  We are all here for you!!!

If you feel like it, please keep talking to us. 

  Hugs and more hugs. 

                      Jennifer - Another Ark. mom

[powderpuff]

Dear Ark,

I was in your situation many years ago, with four kids, and no income. I feel for you deeply.

Women especially have keen instincts when it comes to these things. My gut was telling me one thing,  and my heart was telling me another. I learned to follow my gut because it has never led me astray.

I agree that you should get some counseling ASAP from someone who can look at your situation with objective eyes.

I was too close to my situation to see it clearly, beat down, and depressed. It really does affect your thinking and decision-making!

With counseling, I figured out what was best for me. I moved ahead, it was scary, but I knew I was making the best possible decision to become a healthy mom for my kids. I took a leap of faith and trusted that everything would be ok. It turned out OK for me.

Take control of your own life now so that the decision isn't made for you and catches you off guard. Do the work to figure out what to do next.

Sending up prayers for you.

(((HUGS)))

[harrigan]

Oh Ark - I'm so sorry to hear how hard things are.  I know the pain and mental torment.  I know how scary stepping out alone is.  You can only do what feels right at the time.  But you are worthy of being loved, treasured, communicated with.  Your needs and happiness are equally as important as your husband's.  When you are ready, lean on your friends and family and focus on you and your peace of mind and future.

Thinking of you xx Ailsa

[slccom]

I don't see how you could be any more lonely than you are now. I wonder if you could find someone to do a financial search of where that bonus went? I bet he is hiding a lot of money, and you need to find that before you take him to an attorney.

amazon.com/books/dp/1591133246 is a very good book, but make sure the man is not around to see it. She also has a divorce support group, or did.

Honey, you don't need this. But you will get through it. One little step at a time. I'd check his credit report as an early step, to see what other accounts he may have open.

But first you get to have a good cry.
Hugs, Sharon

[Ark mom]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.

I decided not to go to restaurant and ask any questions after all.  After a long night and day of thinking things through, I realized that I want out of is marriage no matter what the revelation might be, whether he is cheating on me or not.

I opened my own bank accounts today, and I put a flurry of applications in online. 

Powderpuff, I, too, am beat down.  In the past, I have constantly found excuses for why I must stay married to him.  First it was because my girls were still babies, then because I didn't want my girls to go to day care, and finally it has been because I have been sick, needing knee surgery, lots of meds, and just plain scared. 

I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.  Even if I never experience love again, it would be better than the emotional abuse he has put me through for years.   He is a pathological liar, too.  Everything he says may be a lie.  I never know the truth about anything.

Sharon, I like the way you think!  Those are some great ideas.  I will look into the book.  If I cry over him, I will have a horrible stuffy nose for a day and red burning eyes.  He is NOT worth that (or I would).  LOL.

I have a counselor, but I have not seen her in 6 months.  An appointment with her will be next.  Thank you to all who suggested that.

[Piebird]

Ark mom,

Thanks for the update today. I have been thinking about you and flashing back to the situation I was in. I even had a bad dream last night that I went back to my former hubby! what a nightmare.

I didn't cry after I left. It shocked my sister who I was staying with but I never shed a tear. I was all cried out during the marriage!!

Remember, "It will all be fine in the end. If it is not fine, it is not the end".

Also, "Falling on your face is a forward movement".

Please feel free to keep venting to us. We are here for you.

[Carebear]

Ark mom,

I am so sorry to hear that things have gotten progressively worse for you.  Nothing about your situation is easy, but the sooner you take action, the sooner you can begin a new life.  You deserve to be happy and so do your girls.

I am glad you reached out to your Sjoggie family.  You are here for you.  And that's what family is for.  Stay in touch so we can help lift you up when you need it.