Losing my mum

[star723]

Ailsa,
   I am so sorry to hear about your mother. She obviously raised a wonderful, caring daughter and leaves such a legacy in you. Cherish your memories of her and grieve how you need to. Loss of our loved ones is extremely hard, you have to take it day by day. One day you will wake up and it won't feel so hard, you don't forget, it  just gets a little easier to function. Be kind to yourself. Take care. CK

I was only 24 when my mom left us, she had just turned 45.  The hardest thing I had done in my life at that point.She was my best friend.  There will be days when you just know that she is with you and you will feel comfort. then there will be days when all you do is miss her.  I like what was said here, your mom raised a wonderful daughter.....she did you know? It will take time, I still have my days~ after 30 years!!   There are some of my Moms friends that say how much I look and act like Mom, that sure makes me feel good.  Prayers for comfort coming your way~ Debbie

[Cricket]

Ailsa

Sending my sympathy to you and your family.  I lost my mom 5 yrs. ago and it was one of the hardest things to go through.  You'll have moments that the tears will flow and that is okay, and as many have said it takes a while, grief is so different for each person.

Remember to get your rest and be good to yourself
Cricket~

[susanep]

This past March made one year since my mom died. I couldn't believe it had already been that long. When she died, I didn't think I could ever feel better. The others here helped me too.

It's not been long now since I have finally been able to go on. I will always miss her so much. I have a place on my computer that I write to her. I just write would I would say to her if she were here.

I tell her what is going on etc. It helps a lot. I have hundreds of pages now since the time I started it.

I am now trying to spend more time with my dad. He is 80, and he is so lonely for mom, but he has faced it too, and does his best to go on. I am proud of him.

It will take time as I found out, but your life will get better. My last vision of mom was when we were leaving her house, and she stood at her back door waving bye to us.

That kind of haunts me, because I didn't know then it really would be goodbye.

I have lots of happy thoughts of mom now. I will always love her, and she will forever be in my heart.

Also our parents do live in our hearts, and we take them with us so they are always part of us. All the things they taught us, etc. lives on in us.

susanep

[quietdynamics]

Ailsa,

My mother passed October of last year.

I smiled as I read that you held her hand and sang to her...I did too.
I smiled that you washed her hair...
Such a wonderful gift you shared together...and that is what I hold in my heart...those moments.

My step-father had passed the year before and she missed him terribly. Mom wanted to bring him home from the nursing home as soon as he gained some strength...it did not happen, she was not there and it preyed on her mind.

Know how blessed we are...there are people who do have that 'time' together.
How supremely precious...this gift of the heart forever in our soul.

Grieve, sigh so deep and sometimes smile, giggle at the funny things she did.

[4Kids]

I lost my Mom in Sept of 10. There isn't anything but time that will help and even then "help" is the wrong term. Ease the raw, maybe. My Mom was in horrendous pain (bone, lung and brain cancer) and even then I will never, ever say that I wish or was happy that she was taken and the pain ended. I just wanted her to stay. So I understand those feelings.

Just let yourself feel the grief, the sadness, the loss, the love, the everything and just feel it and feel what you feel and eventually it will get easier. I used to look around and wonder how the world just kept going. Still do sometimes.  I admit to keeping belongings with me, certain special things, that had her energy with them and eased things for me.

I am very sorry for your loss.

[harrigan]

Thankyou all so much for your kind thoughts and sharing your own memories too.  Reading through them makes me feel so understood and supported. 

It's not quite so raw any more and amidst the tears there are smiles at what Mum would have thought and said as we muddle through to next week's funeral.

So grateful for all your advice and support xx Ailsa

PS Thankyou Bucky for remembering about my parents' diamond anniversary in December too.  You are very kind 

[Meld256]

Ailsa,

I hope that our memories of our own mothers are helping you feel support and encouragement. It is a tough time to go through in our lives, to be sure, and I'm sorry you're needing to go through this.

My mother passed almost 6 years ago. I was also 52, and she had just turned 87. Somehow, the years leading up to this I thought that maybe since I was no longer a child or even a very young woman that my mother's death would not hit me as hard. As I found out, I was wrong. I decided that no matter our age, or theirs, losing a parent is very difficult.

Mom had a Crohn's attack, just after a bought with the flu. She was so ill, and then contacted C. Diff. and a severe Uti. Suffice it to say she was very ill for several months. I had time to spend with her, and even though we had our times in the past that we disagreed and didn't get along, all those old negative feelings passed as I helped her eat, get cleaned up and just sit with her.

She loved that I would bring her flowers at least once a week. My dad was confused about her sickness because he has dementia, so it was very stressful.  Me realizing after a while she would not recover, and he seeming to think this was just a small inconvience and she'd be fine.

I suppose one thing that helped me through after she passed is writing each day something I was grateful for. Something that I was glad that happened the way it did, as odd as that may sound.
I was glad she didn't pass in the ER right away, so I had time with her, I was glad she showed me what a determined person she was, I was grateful for the wonderful, loving nurses she had, for her friends, and on and on. And I talked to people how she could be so funny, so independent, so stubborn!

I hope that you give yourself time to grieve however is best for you, and be patient with yourself. Many of us will see our older parents pass, and we can share with one another, hopefully helping one another. It's not easy, but I hope that encouragement from some of us will help you just a bit in your sorrow.

Many hugs,
Melinda

[harrigan]

Melinda, thankyou so much for sharing your memories and all your encouragement.  It has been so comforting to  everyone's stories and realise that feeling so bereft is normal even though we knew the end must be near.

I am thankful for so many things and will write them down to read through when it feels so hard.  Today I am thankful for wonderful family and friends, especially my friends here, who are making the days easier with their help and words.  I know the funeral tomorrow will be hard but I hope it really will be a celebration of her life too.

Thankyou so much, Ailsa xx

[Bucky]

((Ailsa)) - thinking of you and your family today as you lay your mum to rest.

A time of sadness, yet a reflection on the long life she lived and the love she gave to you and your family.

Hugs,
Bucky

[ellenkerr]

Alisa, I was going to write a message when you first posted, but I couldn't think of a thing to say that would bring comfort to you or ease your pain.  I knew how much I hurt when i lost my mother, I didn't know how I could ever move on.  She was such an incredible woman and she was my best friend.  She had COPD and died when she was only 66.  Like others who posted here, I too was blessed to be holding her hand when she passed.  She had a bad spell and had been in the hospital for about a week.

I can remember it like it was yesterday. She was doing much better and the doctor said if she  kept doing well, she could go home the following day.  I remember it was the first sunny spring day of the year.  I helped the nurse set up her bed and moved it to the window where she could see all the daffodils, blue sky, and birds. She was so happy.  I left her for  a few minutes with other family members, and went downstairs to the hospital cafe for a cup of coffee feeling so good that she would be going home.

Sometimes God has other plans, when i returned to her room, the nurse took me aside and told me that it isn't uncommon for people to rally a little before they died, and she had been a hospice nurse, and recognized the signs that she would not  live  for more than 24 hours.  Mom passed comfortably the next day surrounded by her loved ones.  There is a huge empty hole in my heart that I know will  only be fixed when i see her again.

I read all the posts from the members of this site offering condolances and sharing their own personal stories and offering such comforting advice.  Each  person has suffered a loss and became  stronger because of it, and you will too.  We each do it in our own time and in our own way.  I have to admit that tears started to fall down my cheeks as I read each post because I could see that these wonderful, incredible people gave you something that is priceless....a special piece of their heart.  Please treasure your memories and be uplifted by the kindness shown every day by these earthly angels.
 

[harrigan]

Bucky - thankyou for thinking of us yesterday.  It was very special and very sad, but the time afterwards spent with my uncle and cousins was very healing. 

Thankyou too Mizzy for sharing your memories even though it was painful to do so.  I can't tell you how much it has helped to read everyone's experiences.  It made me realise something important too - that we don't have to have the 'answer' or the perfect thing to say.  Just showing you understand is a comfort.  I know I have learned lots about AI and meds etc on here, but I have also learned so much about caring and upholding others.  Thankyou all so much xx Ailsa

[Meld256]

harrigan,

Just sending you my thoughts for comfort and healing today. Remember that we are here for you in the days, weeks and months after your mother's passing. The time when we lose our parent is so awful, and then the hurried days when family is around, a service, whether it's a funeral or some other event...then...

sometimes people sort of go their own ways and you are left dealing with your thoughts and grief.

I have no perfect or special answer; just want you to know that I am thinking of you and I'm sure many hugs are sent from many of us here.
May you have some blessing in your life today.
Melinda 

[susanep]

I was thinking of  you today, and thinking back to my mom, and if I could have had one more thing, it would have been my wishing I had been there with her when she died. She died during the wee hours of the morning so even my dad did not know until he got up that morning. Mom was at home in her own bed when she passed on.

Earlier during the night though, my dad said she had got turned around partly off the bed so he got up to turn her back around, and she was trying to say something she wanted him to say to the kids.

I feel she knew something. I just wish I had been able to be there to hold her.

susanep

[slccom]

Susan, she may not have been able to leave if you had been holding her, though.
Hugs, Sharon