Losing my mum

[harrigan]

I've not posted much lately. It's been a hard few months with Mum in hospital and Dad unwell at home.  I just want to share with you my sad news.  Mum died on Saturday, on her 87th birthday.  She had been increasingly frail and confused. I was able to spend lots of time with her whilst off school for Easter and on the Friday before she died I sat with her all day whilst she slept.  She wanted me to wash her hair and get her clothes ready for the next morning, her birthday.

She had been sent home from hospital 8 days before, on oxygen, so we knew she wouldn't be able to do much but had planned a quiet day with the grandchildren popping in.  Dad rang early as I was getting ready to go round to say that she had collapsed and was going back to hospital.  By the time we got there, she was very poorly.  The staff were amazing and so sensitive.  When it was clear that there was nothing to be done but wait, we were given a beautiful quiet room with lovely views and the sun shone in all day.

I had some time on my own with Mum, holding her hand and singing to her.  Dad knew he didn't want to be there at the end and went home for a rest.  My eldest son and younger daughter were with us.  Peter thanked God for the life of his Nanna and prayed that the Lord would take her peacefully and within a minute she slipped away.  It was so painful yet so precious.

I'd love to hear how others have coped with their loss.  At the moment, I feel like I will never stop hurting and would do anything for just one more day with my mum.  I'm glad she is no longer struggling but I don't know how I will ever be normal again.  Something has changed in me and everything hurts.

Sorry for sharing such sadness.  I have to be strong for Dad and for the 'children' - 17 and 20s - but as soon as I am alone it hits again with such force.  Please share your memories and how you have coped.  Thankyou xx Ailsa

[Cassi307]

I am so sorry for your loss. My own mother passed awhile back and was seriously ill before she died. I spent a lot of time caring for her. She was in a coma before she died. I remember that a few hours after I left her the nurse called to tell me the news. The grief was painful. It will take time. Cherish your memories and talk about them. It may help you with your grief.
Sending (hugs).

[reesatay]

I'm very sorry for your loss.  It has been over 20 years since my Mom passed and I still wish I had a moment of her time to share this or that with her.  I don't think we ever get over these types of losses but we do get through them... moment by moment, day by day, week by week, month by month and then a year and time keeps of moving us forward.  It gets better and your grief will lift but for now it is so new so allow yourself to feel the pain, cry and be sad.  I agree with Cassi307 about talking and sharing memories.  There is comfort in sharing your tears but also your laughter. 

[Carolina]

Dearest Alisa,

Your mother must have been a wonderful woman, to have such a loving daughter.

My heart, thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Love and Hugs

Elaine

[Bucky]

((Ailsa)) - I'm so sorry to hear your mum has passed away.

Your mum lived a long life - 87 yrs. old, and your parents celebrated 60 yrs. together in December.

Ailsa, it's all so fresh - allow yourself time to grieve for your mum.  There's no magic number that says you have to grieve for six days and then move on.  Take as long as you need and want to grieve for your mum.  Your mum will always be your mum - nothing will ever take that away.

I spent the last week of my mother's life camped out in her room at the nursing home and holding her hand and talking to her when she took her last breath almost eight years ago.  As difficult as it was to say goodbye to her, I knew she wouldn't have to suffer in pain from her multiple myeloma any more.  She was free. 

Down the road, there will be smiles and laughter again when you fondly remember your mum and the life she shared with you and your family.

There will be many occasions that come out of the blue where a certain smell, sound, color, flower, etc. will trigger a memory of your mum.  It's okay to feel sad - it's all part of the grieving process.

I had a lady make quilts out of my moms clothes for each of us kids and for Dad.  I have mine hanging in the living room below a picture of my mom.  When I see that quilt and her picture (she is wearing a piece of clothing  in that picture that is in this quilt) - it makes me feel close to her.  Perhaps you could do something like that with your mums clothes.

Please take care of yourself too - stress is not a Sjoggies friend, and grief can add to the aches and pains we experience.   Even though you want to be the "strong one" for your Dad and children - you're hurting too - and that's not something you should keep bottled up inside. 

Thinking of you, Ailsa, and sending you a hug . . . . my deepest sympathy to you and your family.

Bucky

[Carebear]

Dearest Alisa,

I am so very sorry for your loss.  When I lost my dad two years ago, my heart too was crushed from the overwhelming grief.  I was alone with him when he passed away.  I know what you mean about it being both painful and precious.

For me, it helped to cry.  I must have shed a million tears.  And I shared my feelings with a few people who I trusted. 

There is no easy way to get through this.  You just do the best you can, and allow yourself to feel the sadness.   Life will not be the same, but it can still be beautiful.   Be kind to yourself.   

[slccom]

I am so sorry for your loss. It will take much time to become more functional. The pain will ease, but the hole in your heart will always be there. Be patient with yourself, and if you look, you will see your mom sending you messages of her love.

Hugs, Sharon

[finallyadx]

Sorry to hear about your Mum.  I, too, lost my mother a year ago.  2012 was the worst year of my life.  Learning to live without a parent that you have had for so many years as a constant part of your life is very difficult and takes time to adjust.  Each holiday and special occasion will be especially difficult for the first year.  I still miss my mother terribly and I still have days and times when I cry and grieve over my loss.

As other members have said, there will come a time when you can remember the good times you shared, the precious memories you made with her and smile and laugh.

In the meantime, take the time you need to grieve your loss. 
Take some comfort in knowing that you were always there for her.
Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.

[Joe S.]

I am glad that her passing was peaceful. It is what I hope for. A quiet end to the struggles we face in this life that is supported by our loved ones. I was there for my mother also. We were asked to leave the room for a few minutes so she could die by her nurse. My daughter and I left, waited 5 minutes and checked back. Mom had passed away. While I would have loved to stay and hold her hand, I knew that she would not go while I was doing that.

May your memories comfort you and may you be at peace with her passing.

[CMNK12]

Ailsa,
   I am so sorry to hear about your mother. She obviously raised a wonderful, caring daughter and leaves such a legacy in you. Cherish your memories of her and grieve how you need to. Loss of our loved ones is extremely hard, you have to take it day by day. One day you will wake up and it won't feel so hard, you don't forget, it  just gets a little easier to function. Be kind to yourself. Take care. CK

[Jellyb]

My heart is broken for you, I am so sorry for your loss...

Years ago when my daughter graduated from high school, I felt such a feeling of bitter sweet sadness. I was a single mom with my only daughter. Her and I against the world. I was o proud of her and sad too, because I knew, she was on her way to her next chapter and moving out of the house.

So I made a little homemade book for her. I titled it "There is Something I Forgot To Tell You.
Each page had one line on it with a funny thought or helpful idea. Example: never go o the grocery store hungry. Don't wait for company to come over to light candles and play music. And the last page I wrote, tell your daughter you love her every day. I tied the pages together with ribbon.

Last year, I lost a very dear friend, suddenly without warning. My heart was broken...
My daughter said to me that it might make me feel better if I made a little book for my friend, with things I forgot to tell her. So I did.
After I was finished, I read it out loud . It was very sad but it made me feel better thinking perhaps she was listening from heaven

[irish]

I am sorry for your loss but so glad to hear of the precious moments you had with your mum. It is hard to lose a parent and there is not way to be prepared.

Be aware that you will feel like you will die with grief at times and cry your heart out, but eventually the pain will ease because of the peace you have knowing that she is safe and not suffering.

It is so strange---my mom died in 1984 the end of November. She called me on her birthday at supper time when the sky was turning to dusk, the air was crisp and cool and the stars were appearing in the sky. Every November I find myself reliving that phone call when the weather is just right. I feel a peace about it and it is comforting. Onoe thing that just blew me away was the number of time I headed for the phone to dial her number to tell her some little thing. It took me several years to get over that. Some things are so deeply ingrained in our spirit that only time heals.

My dad died 10 mons and 29 days later and the funeral was exactly the same and really close to the one year anniversary of her death. It was even more traumatic to have him pass way as he was our last parent. When we lose our parents we really feel like an orphan for the longest time. The pain will leave and be replaced by so many good memories. It helps to talk about them without feeling embarrassed. My oldest son is getting to be the spitting image of my dad now and I am feeling like I am reliving some of my life only with a son that I hardly recognize from his early years.

Time has a way of keeping on and giving us things to do and to keep us busy. You will make it through because it is part of the life process. Know that most of us experience the same thing with the same pain. We all have different experiences as the days and months pass by. Life is like a river......It truly is---it just keeps on flowing. Peace be with you. IRish

[slccom]

Seals and Crofts wrote a wonderful song:
Advance Guards

I used to look out from my window and see the tall grass in the wind.
Standing there just like advance guards waiting for the battle to begin.
My mother used to be much younger. She'd sing me soft, sweet lullabies.
I saw my fortress in the mountains each time I looked into her eyes.

But now she's gone,
Take me there, take me there, I don't care where we go.
Take me I just want to know what I used to know.
Take me there, take me there, I don't care where we go.
Take me there, take me I just want to go.

My father's hair has turned to grey now. I never stopped to ask him why.
And all the things that he onced treasured, I see them slowly drifting by.
And now I look out from my mountain and see the soldiers in the field.
It won't be long now 'til they have me. This time advance guards are for real.

Come on, come on and
Take me there, take me there, I don't care where we go.
Take me I just want to know what I used to know.
Take me there, take me there, I don't care where we go.
Take me there, take me I just want to go.
---------------------------------------------------------

For all of us who have lost parents. We will always still have their love, though.
Hugs to all,
Sharon

[Scottietottie]

Ailsa,

So sorry for your loss. In the future it will be a great comfort to you that you were with her.

Take care - Scottie

[Katybarstool]

Ailsa

You have had such lovely messages that all there is left for me to say is that you were very privileged to share your mum's last moments - and she was very privileged to have a daughter like you.

I will pray for you both.

God bless

Kathyx