Feeling guilty part 2....

[sktaylor]

Well I decided to stay at my daughters for the full duration as originally planned. I found out  my father in law is being released from rehab May 30 and will have a couple of weeks in home therapy after he gets home. This is absolutely great news. We were very concerned when all of this came about that he may never come home.
Now to the guilty part. My mother in law has already started asking me when I will be home. She says she is really going to need me. I do not mind helping out, but here we go again with the primary care giver thing again. She is unable too and I don't work, so I am the one who should be doing it in her eyes. One of my main concerns is that my MIL is what we call a 'closet smoker'. Both my husband and I know that she smokes because of the smell, but he will not say anything to her. She had smoked for years prior to her open heart surgery and quit for maybe 6 months. At that time she smoked only occasionally. Since my FIL has not been at home for these last 4 weeks, she smokes all the time inside(which she never used to do) and just the smell from her clothes will trigger a migraine. How do I let her know nicely and without upsetting her that I can't even go in her house or I will be sick? Driving her in my car has even left an odor that gives me a migraine. Once it is triggers it could be days before I even feel like being around people. I don't know how it works with your SJ, but sometimes it will throw me into a flare. I have told my husband my concerns but he won't say anything, so I will have to be the bad guy. They live in a double wide that has no screens so they never open the windows, rarely turn on the air no matter how hot it is outside, and the smoke is now in everything in the trailer.
Any ideas on how to handle such a sensitive matter?

[Gayle]

Hi

Wow, you have a mess if your husband won't even talk to her/them.

I think I would suggest strongly that she needs to quit smoking and since you know that is terribly difficult, she should use the E Cigarettes. These work great (I speak from experience) and she will not have the nicotine withdrawal but there is no smoke but vapor... the vapor has no odor. I realize the smell is there but it could be cleaned out and then no more. It really does work. I was a very heavy smoker and quit last June with these... never had another. PLUS it is cheaper, and better for her and she will not have the terrible cravings of cold turkey quitting. Explain that she needs to do this in order for you to be able to help her.

If she refuses, tell her to hire a CNA to help daily. They can fill meds, do driving, help with baths, etc. You should hire one anyway for at least an hour or two a day. Give them very specific directions of what you/they need done. I have hired one for my father who lives with me now. It has been a blessing. If she refuses to not smoke in the house one would need to be abel to provide more hours. CNA's are a great assistance! If you want to know about the ecig I used, let me know and I can send you the info. Good luck!

[Cheryl]

SKTaylor,
I understand that you are hesitant to speak to your MIL about her secret vice, but you have to do it.   They will be home in a few days, and she expects your help.  You won't be able to go into the house if it makes you sick.  Even if she opens it up for a couple of days (and stops smoking in there,) it will still smell of smoke.  I can't tolerate smoke, either, so I am sympathizing.

Can they afford to hire help, as Gayle suggested? 

If you know there is no alternative source of help for your in-laws, talk to her asap about the situation.  I'm afraid you may end up with them staying at your house.

I hope all turns out well. 
Cheryl

[sktaylor]

Yes they could hire help, but they will not. They think that we(my husband and I) should be able to meet all their needs. They live within 100 yards of our house. We have a 16 acre farm. I really don't have a fear of them moving in, I am more concerned about my husband being upset with me. It is not that I don't want to help out, I just can't.

[Cheryl]

Maybe your doctor will restrict you from entering their house, since it will trigger migraines.   Then he will be the bad guy, not you.  Can you talk to his nurse about it?

[Gayle]

Cheryl, that is a great idea. Maybe hubby will get it then...

[sktaylor]

Thanks for all your input. I finally made my husband realize he needed to speak with her , which he did. How am I going to get the odor that is already in the house OUT? She thinks now that everything is out in the open that it is OK. She doesn't realize that the odor lingers indefinitely in an enclosed space.