Feeling a little guilty...

[sktaylor]

Some of you may have reads my previous post about my in laws and everything that is going on with them. To recap- my father in law just had five bypasses and is in end stage renal failure; dyalisis three times a week. His wife does not drive and seeing as how we live next door they have just ASSUMED that I will do anything and everything for them. They cannot understand my illness. They think I should be on call 24/7. Well, they finally moved my father in law to rehab and I came to visit my daughter in VA. My mother in law didn't like it. Says she has no one to take her wherever she needs to go; rehab, store, etc. (Which isn't true. I made sure before I left that she had multiple means of transportation, but she will not ask them.) I want to be able to help them, but I have to be in good health to do that and lately I have not been. My husband could not come because he just started back to work so everything falls on him right now. I know he needs to realize just how bad they are mentally to be prepared for when they come home, but am I being selfish? Should I cut my trip shorter than planned and go home and help?
Just wanted some opinions on what you think. Thanks

[Gayle]

Well I am not so sure my opinion is what others will say but I say stay on your visit with your daughter. You made arrangements for transportation and your husband is there. Your in-laws need to accept help from where ever it comes. You can help when you can but you also have to take care of yourself. You will be better able to help when you have had a chance to take a break. Believe me... I understand inlaws.

[Crymeariver]

I agree with Gayle.  I assume she had notice you were going and could have planned appointments and shopping etc before hand.  Routine errands should not pull you away from a much needed break! 

[Liz D.]

You NEED and DESERVE this break and don't forget it!!  Taking a break is very healthy for you and helps the in-laws see what they can accomplish on their own.  (I know from personal experience, though, that is it really hard to let go . . . so I feel like a hypocrite even giving advice.)

I have a friend who had a very demanding mother (totally unreasonably demanding) and she (the daughter) ended up moving across the country to get away from her.  Now all the friends at home are killing themselves to help this demanding woman and are resenting the daughter.  If the daughter just took a break and recollected herself now and then, maybe she wouldn't end up being the one who is resented.  Guilt made her a slave for to her mother for 23 years until she broke down.  Now she is no help.  I am sure you don't want that!  (Again, I understand the guilt because I help my mother in law all the time and the rest of the family just knows I'll do it, so they never step in.  I realize if I don't take a break, which may include just not picking up the phone, my resentment will build and then I'll say something I regret!!)  We all need modesty and to know our limitations, especially with our own illness!

Liz

[Daisy1234]

In my humble opinion, I would continue with my trip plans and wouldn't change them but I'm so sorry to hear that your in laws are doing very poorly health-wise. 

I think it could do some good for your husband to learn the weight of the burden that you carry with your in-laws as well because maybe other arrangments should be in place from time to time, or even on a permanent basis and frankly no one should expect that someone else will always be at their beck and call and then try to make them feel guilty if they take a break once in a long while.  With all you are doing for your in-laws, I would expect them to be very grateful and appreciative, but it doesn't sound that way.   

I have learned that life should be much more than drugery each and every day.  There should be things to look forward to and special moments spent as well as kind words shared with people you love.  If it were me, I would say to go and enjoy yourself with your daughter, remember, she also deserves having time with her one and only mother too!

Daisy

[sktaylor]

Thank you all for your input. I know I need the time away, but they don't get it. I think my husband understands most of the time, but I don't want it to cause problems for us. We have been married for 34 years and have lived within 200 yards of his parents all this time. Up to the point of his mom's open heart surgery less than 4 years ago, they were pretty self reliant. But now that they both have serious health issues, they are going to need us even more. I know God is able to see us through the tough times and I give it all to Him, but then of course like all humans I take it right back again.
Thanks again for all your encouragement. It means a lot to know there are others who understand this disease and how it affects you.

[MissyLouWho?]

I also think you should stay the initial length of time with your daughter.  You and your daughter both deserve each other's time.  And it would be good for you.  Don't let the guilt eat at you.  You are always there for your IL's and made more than enough coverage for your trip.  And your MIL needs to understand that while you would like to be there for her every need and want, sometimes you can't and you do have your own life and your own incurable debilitating illness to contend with.  One that will get worse with more stress and less rest.  Maybe when you get back you can set up a network of people for her.  One person for this day and one for that one, or one person takes her shopping, one to dr appointments, one cleans the house etc.  You are going to get so sick if you continue to do it all.  Put your foot down (nicely) and say this is what you can do, this is what so-and-so can do, which would she like you to do, the shopping or the errands?  Like that.  Just say it's too much for you and this person (or people) are going to split the work with you.  That you would do it if you could but you're too sick to continue.

I do want you to see it from another angle though if you haven't.  Maybe your MIL wants YOU and only YOU because she loves you and feels safe with you.  Though it's exhausting, that is a really great compliment that no one can do it like you .  But it doesn't have to bind you just because they want you and only you.  They are not the only ones who get to dictate what they want.  You get a say too!

[susanep]

I have only one thing to say, What do you want?
Take care of yourself.

susanep