My Hurt Feelings?

[susanep]

I didn't want to put this on the main discussion. Most know of my mother's passing last month. It's so hard to believe it has been a month since I seen her and heard her voice. I miss her terribly, and my dad does too.

My dad's insurance covered the funeral, but they had told him with an itemized list that it not only covered, but showed extra left over that he was going to purchase he and mom and stone.

The insurance people called him in, and said there was none left over that it all was used for the funeral. Well, not sure who all was telling it right, but dad is still so in shock that he takes their word, and that is ok.

All of us children are going in together to get the stone for mom and him, and happily so. My sister that lives farther away came over today to dads, and she was suppose to call me so I could go along to look at the stones. They even dropped by my other sister's house, and those 2 sister's helped dad to decide. Dad is just going along with whatever, because he knows his kids are taking care of it.

The only thing my sister will call me about is to let me know how much money on my part to put in. Nothing to me is about money here at all. I would give my dad and mom anything.

I am just hurt the other 2 sisters treated me like I didn't count. she is my mother too.

sorry, I needed to sound off, and if you have any comments it's fine.

susanep

[Crymeariver]

I'm sorry.  It was one last way to honor your mom by helping to choose the stone.   Maybe they didn't realize the importance of the act.  People do inexplicable things after the loss of a loved one.

I recommend reading "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion.  It is about the year after the death of the authors husband.  It is a beautiful book on grief and moving forward and she is an amazing writer.

((hugs))

[susanep]

Thank you crymeariver, I will look for the book. Has it been out long?

susanep

[Cricket]

I am so sorry they did not include you, I can understand how you feel.  I don't think they did it to hurt you and maybe you should tell them how you feel.

My mom passed three years ago and it is still hard.  I don't think we ever get used of them being gone, but that horrible feeling at the beginning does fade.  My dad passed five months after my mom, and I felt like an orphan for awhile.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers my friend. 

[Crymeariver]

Yes, it has been out several years.  I have the sequel "Blue Mondays" about the death of her daughter.  I haven't been able to read that one yet since my eye problems started around the release date.  I don't typically buy new hardcovers books but her story and writing is so moving. 

[Pisces24]

I can understand. I was/am an only child. When my lst parent passed away mother, there was the funeral and a "oscial time" with cookies and "tea/coffee'.

Still to this day (she passed in 2001) I remember standing in the middle of a totally emply parking lot with a box of leftover cookies.  Everyone else had to leave. 

So my grieving was ALONE!

[harrigan]

Sending you hugs Susan.  You are coping admirably and though you re right to feel hurt at being left out, it is also true that everything will hurt at the moment.

Just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts  xx  Ailsa

[eye2dry]

Susan, I am going to be chaitable.....and say your 2 sisters thought they would be sparing you the grief and hardship of looking at the stones.

However, if they have a habit of doing things like this..just the 2 of them...well it sure is "unsisterly" conduct. They may be choosing the stone themselves but you can accessorize it. I plant what I like at my dads/grandparents graves, windchime on a small shepherd hook, a small solar light. I placed them up against the stone so the lawn care folks don't get riled.

take care and spend as much time as you can with your dad, you'll never regret it.

eye2dry

[susanep]

Thank you everyone. I am concerned about my dad. Because of him and my mom being so close, do you think that will cause him to go much sooner?

susanep

[gold55]

so sorry Susanep!  You definitely count!  Don't get me started on family and loss.....our family handles everything dysfunctionally!  Sorry you have to go through this.

[lynnmarie219]

I'm so sorry Susanep...I can understand how your feelings can be hurt by your sisters actions even though they may have meant no harm by it at all. I like the idea of you decorating the stone after it is put in with something special that you think would be nice for your mom.

I'm so sorry for you and your families loss....allow yourself the time you need to grieve...and give your dad an extra hug...he probably needs it too!

[4Kids]

I got to pick out my Mother's with no help from anyone.  Ditto on the funeral and most of the cleaning out.

I think though, there may never be a time where it goes perfectly.

Sorry for you.

[irish]

Susan, I am sorry that your sisters had to do that to you. Family issues always seem to show up at weddings and funerals for some reasons. Must be these occasions bring out the worst in people and that is not the way it should be.

I know that you are worried about your Dad passing away now. There is no way that one can predict this, but remember that God is still in charge of everything. It is not uncommon for the men to pass away sooner after the loss of their spouse. I think men are more dependent on women than society realizes. Much of the time that is. It also depends on the strength of the marriage.

Be aware that many of us are going to outlive our husbands. Most women do not sit around and die that soon after their husbands death. Women are more social and tend to verbalize their grief and pain more than men do and that helps. Also, women tend to go out shopping together and out for coffee and meals more than men do. The older generation  of men are not always that good at socializing as all they did was work.

Also, as hard as it is (my parents died 10 months 29 days apart-funerals were almost on the same day and the services were exactly the same beginning to end) I knew that it was such a blessed relief for both of them to be in Heaven. It is hard for those of us left, but this terrible literally gut wrenching grief does leave eventually and is replaced by a kinder grief.

My Father-in-law has been gone for 36 years (totally hard to believe) my Mom for 28 years, Dad for 27 years and my MIL for 15 years. The pain of all this loss leaves, but the memories of the good times get better as the years go by.

All I can say is if your Mom left dishes, things, etc that is to be divided between you girls, do it now and mark it well. There are some things of my Mom's and MIL's that I didn't get marked and I got old and can't remember the story behind these items now. But you know what, in the long run it really doesn't matter. Our kids take what they want and do what they want with the rest and life goes on. If there is something really extra special that is another story. My thoughts and prayers are with you Susan. Irish

[eyeamdry]

My brother and sister died in '09 within 3 months of each other.  I was never close with my brother and the sister lived in PA since we two younger sisters always lived in Michigan.  We were 8-10 years in differences of ages.  My younger (and surviving) sister took over everything to do with my sister in PA.  She told me when I couldn't go out there to see my ailing sister and why.  My sister's husband and sons talked to my sister here about plans, visiting and so forth.  I could barely get any info past my sister and I think it was understood all things had to go through her.  My brother-in-law is totally capable of making plans for his wife and also the grown sons are.  My sister made her plans known even to what she would wear at her funeral.  But the "boss" sister rode herd at the funeral and I kind of worked the sidelines.  Since everyone was from PAQ, many of her friends didn't even know she had sisters.  Well, Little Missy sure made sure they knew who she was. 

This hurt me and still does.  My Little Missy sister is trying to be so close to my bro-in-law and nephews that I can hardly even pretend I belong when the family comes to Michigan.  I chose not to make a deal out of this.  I'd had words before while my sister was sick with cancer and it always felt that I was odd lady out.  Now, my Little Missy's husband is ill with heart problems and they are in Fla until they can come back here.  Usually May 1, but he may have to have heart surgery soon and I'll only know what she chooses to tell me. I must say that she is not in her only surviving son's life or his wife.  Only one of the two grown grandkids are friends now.  They pay his way to Fla and back and I am not surprised he likes them - I would too. Sorry I droned on here and took over the thread. 

I do think as Irish says, weddings, funerals, any family gathering brings out the worse in us.  I think the bossy ones take over the the others do not want to cause further fur flinging.  Lucy

[Gayle]

I say it might be time to pick new sisters I have one but could always use more! Hugs!!!!