How to handle toxic people

[LizPetillo]

What do you folks do about 'toxic people'?  People who you are supposed to be interacting with either at work or with the family .. but they are toxic.  Passive/aggressive ... lies .... manipulators .... but you have to deal with them?  Stress causes massive problems for sjogrens and these kinds of people are very stressful.  The toxic people know this but they continue bull dozing through life causing casualties all around them.

I pray and meditate ... I read (calm) books ... maybe watch a distracting movie .... walk the dog a bit .... but when I've had a run in with a toxic person, my prayer/meditation is horrid .. like it's been hit by a nuclear bomb.

I put as much distance as I can between me and the toxic people .. but some of their venom spills over no matter the distance.

Any suggestions?

[Joe S.]

Most of them want to play games. I do not like playing games. I will let them hang themselves in their own games. They usually move on after that experience.

While it is going on, I send them healing love. I pray for them. I meditate "I am calm". I try to watch something humorous on TV. Eventually they change or implode but they stop being a problem to me.

[A66eyroad]

At work I keep to myself. I'm not "one of the girls" because my desk is way on the other side of the building from just about everyone else. I only see them when I have to. Not that they're bad --- it's just easier not to have all the drama going on.

At home I have my great friends and none of them are toxic. There are about eight couples and two or three women who're relatively new widows. We are all very supportive of one another. It's better than family.

Family, on the other hand, is far enough away that I only have to worry about them once or twice a year.

So I guess my trick to handling toxic people is AVOIDANCE!   

[Carolina]

I've worked for toxic people and had them working for me.  And of course they are everywhere in our social life, and maybe even a few in an extended family!

The part that always gets to me is letting them 'get under my skin'......start living in my brain.

Handling them just isn't a 'by the numbers' scenario, I've found.

CONFRONTATON:  I've confronted them, when necessary and when I could think fast enough and stay calm enough! 

I would say that is often the best.

"I am offended by what you are saying and doing!  Please stop". 

WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT.

(don't keep talking)

I have found that doing the confrontation in front of other people is GOOD.  Other people KNOW when someone is toxic or acting toxic.   If you say and do the right thing, people will be on your side. 

UNLESS of course the whole group is toxic.   Then I say:  get out if you can, avoid if you can, vent where you can, and wait wait wait.   All things end.

AVOIDANCE:  You can do your best, but this can be very lonely and often causes that 'under your skin' condition which is the worst of a toxic person. 

TOXIC people are everywhere and will almost always be part of your life.   At least from time to time. 

Even if we hide under the bed, most likely a few toxic people will come looking for us!

I know this isn't much help.  But I've learned that running away doesn't often work very well in the work place, and may be impossible in the family.

Come here and share share share.  Toxic people cause trauma which causes a form of PTSD.  Working it through is a great relief.

Keep us posted!

Hugs

Elaine

[Madison Granny]

I picked and choose my friends very very carefully.  In today's world I have found hardly anyone who is not toxic.  I have quite a few toxic family members.  I don't associate with them unless I just have.  I try to stay with my family member who are not that way and make the best of it while I have to be around toxic family.  I have 1 nephew who is really toxic and everyone avoids like the plague.  He only thinks of himself and wants all of us to support him.  We all cut him out of our lives completely.  I have one really good friend that I've known for over 40 years and she been there for me through all of this.

[Sleepy In Seattle]

All good techniques, but I think Joe's is the most important - and also the most counterintuitive.

Compassion!

Believe me, those people are MOST toxic to THEMSELVES. But it's not even about them....if you can see how twisted up they are, and have real compassion for them, it frees YOU from the negativity they're spewing. It's the best "vaccine" to toxic people that I have ever found.

It definitely takes some practice - and I'm no Dalai Lama, LOL....I get PISSED, then I come down off of it and find a way to genuinely wish them well, and wish them freedom from their nastiness. It's amazing what a relief it is to let go of the emotional entanglement - the ping-pong of anger and sniping.

Sometimes it changes relationships, too....but even if it doesn't, it will make them less stressful for YOU - and that's all you can control. You can't do anything to change somebody else, but you CAN change how YOU view and react to them.

[genko_b]

Sleepy in Seattle has a point - maybe it's a Seattle thing, as that is where I am as well.

For me the most helpful thing is to not take their behavior personally. These so-called toxic people are not skilled at working well with other human beings, for whatever reason. Their lack of skill can create misery for everyone in their path, but primarily it is their problem, not mine. We can have compassion for them for this lack of skill. It really helps me to see things this way, especially when I have no choice but to be around them.

Bucky is right that you need to set boundaries with them, in front of witnesses if necessary. Be clear about your needs and feelings, and what specifically you are asking them. Something like, "I need space in my head to be able to work on this project and am feeling very frustrated about the lack of space right now. Could you please leave me alone for an hour so I can get some work done, and then I'll have this discussion with you?" Or whatever the issue is. It may not get the results you want, but at least you are not letting the person drag you down with them.

If they continue to bug you, set more and more clear boundaries. Specific requests of these people for defined amounts of space, time, respect, and so on are more difficult for them to refuse. They are also less likely to escalate into a big drama.

If you have a choice not be around these people, definitely stay away from them when you are feeling low. They need to work on their own issues rather than taking up our limited energy.

At least that's how I see it right now!

Take care,

Genko

[Pisces24]

My toxic person thankfully retired but I just would listen sympathectically, let it go in one ear and out the other and venture no opinion. Most just love the sound of their own voice anyway. When it got too bad, I talked to my boss and lo and behold I wasn't the only one having the problems w/her. Boss talked w/her and it subsided somewhat.

My toxic coworker (bc survivor) took a number of years to figure out it was her compromised immune system that was making it easier to get sick --- not all the sick people coming into work just to give her the germs!   Like I said - all kinds. 

[Carebear]

Everyone has already made some excellent suggestions.

Sometimes I will imagine myself in a "protective bubble" when I am around toxic people.  I use the bubble to keep their bad energy away. 

Are you familiar with the movie The Wizard of Oz?   Do you remember Glinda, the Good Witch of the North?  She traveled around in a similar bubble.     

[season]

You have received some really great advice here.

From my own personal experience whenever I have confronted anyone (in a nice calm way) it has never turned out well and with work situations it sometimes got worse. But.....I get sick all over when someone is getting under my skin and I have carrried it around for days on end.  So, I usually get it all out in the open. It doesn't go well most of the time though. I usually end up hurt and feeling really bad.

So.......I try to just stay the he77 away from anyone that i know is going to give me trouble because i love PEACE and it is best to avoid anyone who is going to disrupt my day.

If I have to be around someone who is toxic and can't be avoided, I make conversation short and get away as best as I can.

I use to work with someone who constantly complained about everything. I hated being around her. I found an excuse to move away from her area.    Thank goodness.....

[Pisces24]

I want to say that confronting a person sometimes does work. There are just some people you have to have a "set to" with and afterwards you get along fine.

However, confronting people in an office environment is a no-no. Causing a scene in the office disrupts the team and others nearby and is deemed very unprofessional. You would be blamed along with the toxic. We have cubicles where I am at. So confronting the toxic person would not work.

I brought it to my boss's attention privately in a conference room and told her that I tried to be nice and brush off the toxic person but it wasn't working. Knowing the person she was, if I confronted her there would be a scene that would cause more problems in the work environment. People taking sides, etc. She very much appreciated that I did not do that and said I handled the situation very well and maturely!  The boss did talk to the toxic person and got her "neutered" for awhile. LOL

[Scottietottie]

Hi Liz 

I work with 'toxic teenagers' every day. Well - three days a week now because five was just too many! The secret of keeping going with them is the non toxic people who are also around. Find laughter wherever you can - it is wonderfully detoxifying.

Take care - Scottie 

[WildThing]

The golden rule is boundaries:  you must respect boundaries and others must respect yors.  Don't discuss anything with anyone if you don't fel comortable, don;t give away too much information.  Also don't let peopel zap your energy.  There are a million ways to stp people invading boundaries, manipulating you or zapping your energy.  Too complicated to go into it here but I have readsome pretty good, fairly cheap, books on kindle recently. If you're interested I can send you the links via a PM.

[meow]

Hi Liz 

I work with 'toxic teenagers' every day. Well - three days a week now because five was just too many! The secret of keeping going with them is the non toxic people who are also around. Find laughter wherever you can - it is wonderfully detoxifying.

Take care - Scottie 

For me, the "toxic teenagers" are a lifesaver. they keep me awake and alive. They are raw bundles of energy, scattering excess everywhere they go, and I have always been able to gather that up like a magnet, if I keep my head in the right place. Wow, that sounds like hippie-dippie, wishy-washy stuff, but there's no other way to describe it. I guess it's just focusing on how much I love them as a group, and not letting their individual issues latch on to me. Just being in the halls or the cafeteria  boosts my spirit, if I set that spirit to a receiving mode....Gaaaah, that sounds even worse. LOL!

[Scottietottie]

Hi Meow 

Do the teenagers you 'gather' deal drugs, indulge in underage sex, drink heavily, steal, get themselves expelled from school and have total contempt for adults in general and the police in particular? (I'm talking 14 and 15 year olds here)

Most teens aren't toxic. These are. I realise they have damaged by chaotic home lives but they are not little rays of sunshine. I've worked with teens for many years but the latest 'batch' we have been sent are the most challenging.

Take care - Scottie