Husband problems, ladies!

[Ark mom]

An update...my eyes are much better due to the steroid drops (on Restatsis now, too).  My mouth isn't as dry any more, but this week my joints hurt, knees, ankles, wrists, and elbows, specifically.  I take ibuprofen religiously, but it doesn't help at all.  So, far, my husband thinks I am faking my illness.  I had a big flare 1.5 years ago, too, and he didn't believe me then either.  I got better and shrugged it off. 

My MIL is coming today for two weeks to help while my husband travels to Mexico on business.  I got up early (letting him sleep in like usual) with our little kids and started cleaning the house to get ready for her arrival.

He woke up a while ago, and started in on me.  Was I really sick today because he caught me smiling while reading something on the Internet late last night?  That sometimes he catches me smiling or seeming okay until I see him, then my demeanor changes, my face changes.  I tried to explain that at different moments I feel better than others, sometimes I am distracted my my pain and worries, that it doesn't mean I am faking my illness. 

He asked me what my diagnosis was, that he wanted to see it on paper because he doesn't believe me.  I told him that the opthamalogist thinks I have Sjogrens, but I don't see a rheumatologist for a
few more weeks.  He began to accuse me again of being a hypochondriac and faking my symptoms/illness.  Then, against sound judgement, I told him that perhaps my demeanor changes are related to the fact that whenever I see him I start to have anxiety because he has been very impatient, unpleasant, and mean to me for the past few weeks.  He is angry and he takes it out on me.  I feel a sense of dread when I see him or he comes into the room.  He yelled at me that he is done and "sick or not, I want you to get your a** out and get a job to support this family,"

He has never been a comforting or warm or loving man.  He is cold and withdrawn.  When I try to talk about any problem no matter how small or big he gets irritated and yells.  He does not wish to have sex with me (married 5 years), and we have had sex maybe 10 times during our marriage.  I don't  he loves me, nor I him anymore after years of his neglect and sometimes downright emotional/verbal abuse.  I been a happy, outgoing, energetic, loving, confident, caring person until these episodes of illness take me down. 

I have tried counseling with him, and I have tried to suggest divorce.  I have tried to keep the family happy and together for our two children.  Now, I realize what a horrible mistake I have made, that we really do need to get divorced.  How can I make it through this?  I still have a teaching license
and could theoretically go back to work.   

My family has been largely unsupportive as well.  They all think that since my bloodwork is fine that I must be a lunatic with hypochondria or Munchausen (thanks, hubbie).  My mom has made it perfectly clear that she is not taking care of anybody during her retirement for any reason.  So, these past few weeks of this horrible flare have been very hard with no one to talk to or lean on for help with my little girls or support. 

I have these wonderful dreams at night about being married to a nice, loving man, someone who smiles at me and touches me, being pregnant, being healthy, being happy.  Then I wake up to the discomfort of dry eyes and mouth and pain.  I just don't know how much more I can take.  Psychotropic drugs are out of the question at the moment, even though I need them badly, because I am trying to get life insurance outside my husband's employment.  When I asked my husband if he would set aside most of the 300k policy in a trust fund for the girls, he said no way. 

[mrosed]

Hi Ark Mom,

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you are going through. As everyone here can attest to, it's so incredibly important to not just have support, but to feel supported.

Know first, that I do not think that you are a Hypochondriac. Plus to be quite honest, being a Hypochondriac is an illness in itself and not one that anyone should use against someone regardless. I also know what it's like to have my friends and family doubt that I am really sick. It's a horrible feeling.

But all in all it sounds like what is going on extends beyond your illness. I highly recommend going to speak to a therapist. You are dealing with so much right now and you shouldn't have to do it alone. Plus, having this additional stress will trigger flares and will make you even sicker. There are also ways to see a therapist without insurance, so please don't let money keep you from seeking help.

No one, NO ONE deserves to be treated poorly. Being sick can make you feel powerless and worthless. But it sounds like you want something more and I think you are going to see how resilient you are.

I wish you only the best.

[gold55]

Sorry to be so harsh, but this man is going to keep you in a continuous flare and you don't need that!!!!!!  I can't believe he wouldn't set aside some funds for his daughters!  He's acting like a greedy piglet!  sorry but you deserve better.

[Luna]

It is so hard to have something wrong/hurt/sick and no tests to prove it. Its even worse when loved ones don't believe you. Im so sorry you are going through this. I definatly agree that a therapist would be good right now. You need someone on your side, that you can confide in, and trust. You need someone to guide you in the direction you need to go. You are under too much stress right now.

Luna

[Corella]

Words rarely fail me and the only two words I can think of right now are 'leave him'

You deserve better and he does not deserve you.

[irish]

Words from a grandma who has never been through this type of thing.

First of all, walk quietly and carry a big stick. Do not try to cover up your illness, but do not dwell on it too much so as to keep him upset---he doesn't need much to get upset the way I see it.

Document quietly his behaviors and remarks about taking care of the kids and conerning your health issues. Line up everything that you can to be prepared for the big day that you will walk away from this mess.

Try to do it quietly and without a fuss. He is looking for any excuse he can find to get rid of you and doesn't want to be financially burdened by you. His mother did not raise a "good man" did she.

Look up all the government programs you can to help you and your kids.  Find new friends in a church or some other group that will be there to help you. Go to counselling as soon as you can and find ways to free yourself from the stress he gives you.

Find a way to save any money you can and maybe even find a part time job that will help your self esteem cause you won't get any positive strokes from him.

I know that this sounds so preplanned and unemotional, but there are times that logic and reason are used to keep us on our path. If things get really bad then just walk out but document, etc., as he may become more than verbally abusive.

Check the yellow pages and find a lawyer that does "pro bono" work for Legal Aid--another term to check in the yellow pages. Also, find a way to get a post office box in your name only so that you can get mail from these people who can help you. Any legal aid lawyers, etc can help you with what to do and where to go for help, I would think.

Please know that not all men are like this. He is toxic to your health and to your children's well being. Good luck and please know I am praying for you strength and wisdom to get throught this difficult situation. Irish

[Carebear]

Dear Ark mom,

It took a lot of courage to share this with all of us.  I hope you can feel our support and love. I would like to quote Oprah Winfrey, from one of her final shows. 

"You are worthy because you are born."  And it sounds like your husband makes you feel worthless.

That's an awful place for you to be.  Listen to your heart.  I think you already know what must be done.  Please, please, take care of yourself and your children.

[slccom]

ArkMom, be sure to start getting copies of records of what financial assets you have (and they belong to both of you) and put them in some safe place, perhaps leaving them with a friend. Move some money into a checking account he knows nothing about. Keep a log of the emotional abuse he is hitting you with; date, time, what he said, in response to what event. Keep it in a safe place, too. Call a battered women's shelter for further advice. Get your life insurance, which you may not be able to get. You won't be able to get disability insurance; it is too late for that. Get statements from your friends about how they have seen him treat you and the children. Have them simply describe incidents, what, where, what he said. Those will be much stronger than their opinions. See if you can get a part-time job.

Get your ducks lined up in a row, then have a plan to jump. If he won't set aside life insurance for your kids(!), make sure you take them with you when you run.

For what it is worth, it does sound to me like your husband is scared. But whatever the cause, he is being emotionally abusive. And my husband's parents were not getting along, and he and his brother and sister were thrilled that they finally divorced. Your children are not getting raised in an environment where they will know what a happy marriage is, and that will damage them.

I'm so sorry. Somewhere out there is that nice, loving man. Hugs, Sharon

[SueAnn]

Great advice  from everyone and  I can tell you that staying together for the children is not always the right way to go. 

Take Irish's suggestions seriously and get prepared for the big day because it is coming.


SueAnn

[genko_b]

Please take care of yourself and your children, first and foremost. You have lots of good advice and support here to draw on when you need it. It sounds as though you know what you have to do.

Just remember, if you take things a step at a time you will find a way around or over every roadblock.

Take care,

Genko

[cargillwitch]

I lived in an emotional  abusive marriage for15 years.
my self esteem was such at the time I really didn't think i deserved someone loving and supportive.

This was long before my diagnosis but in many ways  I think I knew I had to leave him ( despite four children) because i sensed should I ever need him for something large and all encompassing like a chronic illness he couldn't handle it. I handled everything in the marriage, made sure bills got paid, looked after insurance, mowed grass, cooked cleaned, did laundry and every aspect of childcare. He watched TV, played on "his" computer and if i " behaved" would "loan" me the car so i could take a trip to the midwife or to get groceries. We never fought. I just never bothered.

I decided I needed someone who could support me. Love me in return. It was the hardest and worst time in my life. But THE most necessary thing I have ever done.

A few years after the dust had settled i met the most amazing caring compassionate individual. i married him four years later. I no longer have to be afraid that i am with someone who would "question" the validity of an illness or step up to support me through a chronic illness and all it's eventual changes. He has strong shoulders .

You deserve that, and I think everyone here has echoed what i think, your physical health can only improve with a pleasant and calm home environment. Your children will deal with this well if you are resolute and forward thinking.
I am happy to say all four of my children are doing very well and fully understand why i separated from their father years ago.
Irish is giving good advice. Take notes, make plans and know you deserve to be treated well.

[Sleepy In Seattle]

Can you go to a local library and do some online research? There's a lot available online about how to be smart about leaving an abusive marriage. And no, he doesn't have to be beating you for it to be abusive...emotional abuse and neglect is absolutely ABUSE.

Do be careful about using the home computer for this research, and as you gather information, be careful to store things in a safe place. Local women's groups and shelters often have low-or-no-cost cellphones that you can get....it's important that your only line of communication NOT be one that he knows about - if he is on the account, he can cut it off and then you're stuck.

Many times even if somebody has not been physically violent, if they think you are actually making concrete plans to leave, they will become violent.

This is the internet - I don't know either of you - but from what you wrote, it sounds like you AND your children would be better of without him, regardless of what you have to endure to get free. Remember that divorce is not a dirty word - there are LOTS of kids whose parents are divorced, and they are happy, well-adjusted kids. Kids who grow up in homes where there is physical OR emotional abuse, on the other hand, have a HIGH likelihood of becoming either abusers or victims themselves....not to mention high rates of alcoholism, drug addiction, and mental health issues. Sometimes, divorce is FAR better for your children. But you are the only one who can make that determination.

Is it hard and scary to get out? YES.

Is it worth it, if you need to do it? YES!!!!!!!!

There is a LOT of support out there - please call a local agency and ask them for help. If all else fails, stop by a church, school, your doctor - or even the police station, and they can put you in touch with somebody in your area who knows resources and can give you leads on where to go and what to do. But you need to SPEAK UP.

My heart goes out to you, especially because a situation like this can sap the health of ANYBODY, much less somebody with autoimmune issues.

There ARE kind men out there - and kind women, too, who will help you. It may take some bravery and resourcefulness to locate them, but they are there... you and your kids deserve to live in love and peace!!!!

[Ark mom]

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement, advice, and support.  I am in tears from your kindness and for teaing the time to help me!  All of your replies have helped to build strength for me in an otherwise bad day. 

I feel terrible staying for as long as I have, but most of it was fear that once I file for divorce then I no longer am there to protect my two little girls from his tyranny, bullying, and inappropriate parenting.  Knowing that he will have unsupervised time with my children terrifies me.  He is an even worse dad than he is a husband.  That is the main reason why I have stayed so long. 

I have a secret attorney already.  All I need to do is pay the retainer and he will serve him the divorce papers. 

jackles22, I don't know how many times I have been called "a lazy, worthless wife" because I wasn't able to keep up with things.  I remember after giving birth each time, I didn't really have a bad flare, per se, but I remember having the worst fatigue of my life.  I couldn't do anything but nurse my baby and eat and sleep for several months.  He constantly was mad at me for being "lazy".  Also, I agree that I think the girls will be so much happier to not hear arguments and their dad call their mom names.

slccom, I will begin getting ducks in a row.  That is a very good plan!  Thanks.  Also, I agree that he is scared.  I am the rock in this family.  I do everything and keep track of it all.  My work allows him to focus on his career and travel without worry.  Now, I am weak, and I'm sure that scares him and adds stress, but I agree that his behavior is unacceptable.  He was mad in the kitchen earlier, slamming doors, etc.  I asked him what was wrong, what is the problem?  He yelled,  "You are my  problem!!  You are a slob," for leaving last night's dinner dishes in the sink.  Hello?  I made dinner, you could have done the freaking dishes!  Ugh.  It is like walking on egg shells with him.

corella, I appreciate the simplicity of your advice.  I know that is what needs to be done.

Gold55, omg, a continuous flare!!!  You are so right! 

Thankfully he is leaving in two days for Mexico on a trip, and I will get a break from him and his antics.  The only time I am at peace is when he is gone at work or on a trip.   I will start looking for teaching jobs (shudder--I hate teaching!!!) in the area again. 

[jazzlover]

Yes, you need to get out. What a louse!!!

I'm in terrrible pain and have been ill for years. I laugh as much as is possible!! We have to carry on and live life to the fullest.... as best we can!

I do know you can get through this, one step at a time. What a horrible man he must be!

[Belsey1]

I think everyone has given you great advice.  I will just add one thing.....if you do get life insurance, put your children as the beneficiaries and have a neutral administrator, such as lawyer you feel you can trust, since it seems your husband wouldn't give them any money and your mom isn't looking after anyone during retirement.   Wishing you the best