Friends

[TripleC]

I guess I did not do a very good job picking out my friends.... I was always the supporting them and listening to their problems until this year my life was good.  Now that I am sick and trying to figure out what is wrong, they are nowhere to be found.  I rarely get a phone call from them asking how I am doing.

Make me very sad.

[Linda196]

Many here are familiar with that process.......a lot of healthy people are (scared/anxious/uncomfortable/awkward) around "sick" people, and chronic illness seems to make it worse.

Sometimes even caring people don't know what to say or do, and they know they can't make you better (forgetting that emotionally feeling better is huge) so they back away for a while, and that while stretches out to the point that they are even more uncomfortable because it's been so long, and they feel guilty in addition.

And of course there are the fair weather/good health friends, who really aren't' friends at all, more like acquaintances.

I still try to keep in touch, and yes, it's frustrating and annoying to always being the one making the calls, but I try to give the benefit of the doubt and decide they don't call because they worry that I might be resting and they don't want to disturb........it's worth it to have a nice visit sometimes., and because I initiate it, it's on my terms as far as time, location, activity and duration.

[Meld256]

Hi TripleC,

I think a lot of us know what you're feeling. And it does make us sad to think people just don't care, and it hurts.

Linda's post is very wise.  It's true people feel awkward, then guilty and more time passes.  Us making the call or writing puts less pressure on them.  I found this out from even my closest "allie" , my dear sister.  She's told me before "I'm glad you called, because I always think you might be resting or feel bad. I think of you every day but don't want to bother you."   I know she's being honest and not making excuses. And I tell her it's no problem, but I am the one calling her.

My MIL is a master at calling for a moment, just to ask how your day is going, and truly wanting to know. I wish I could clone her for all of us! 

I hope this helps a bit.  You know we are all here for you.    Take care,
Melinda

[A66eyroad]

I think what Linda and Melinda wrote is very true. I'm sure your friends honestly have compassion and devotion and love for you.

I remember what it was like before I got sick. I didn't know what to say to my friend Richard who was diagnosed with brain cancer and had brain surgery, so I didn't say anything. I mean, what do you say? Certainly not, "How ya doing?" or even "Get well soon." I finally did send him a card, which he pounced on. He told me right up that he missed my phone calls.

I told him, just like my friends tell me now, that I didn't know what to say when I talked to him and that I was afraid of disturbing him. He laughed and said, nothing's changed between us. Let's not let a little cancer come between a 20-year friendship! I think it was his frankness in being able to say "the C word" that made me feel comfortable again. You know, get rid of the 500-pound gorilla in the room right away.

How was I to know that by staying away from Richard I was actually hurting him? If he hadn't called me when he got my card, if he hadn't TOLD ME he needed my friendship, I would have continued to shy away. I'm no mind-reader, and I'm only human.

So now that I've got Sjogrens I find that, if I stay away from my friends, if I don't go to the parties or get-togethers, I seem to fall off their radar. When people are planning something, they usually think back to the last time friends got together and draw their guest list from there. So I always try to show up, even if only for a few minutes.

And when they do remember to call me, I try to make sure I mention to them how glad I am to hear from them, what wonderful friends they are. Positive reinforcement of a behavior I want to see repeated, as my therapist-husband would say.

I have told my friends that I turn my phone off when I'm sleeping, so they're welcome to call me whenever and if I can't answer the phone I won't, and they can leave me a message; their call won't disturb me at all. I've also told my daughter-in-law (with a big smile and a laugh) that I'd rather be interrupted than ignored.

TripleC, please don't give up on your friends!

[TripleC]

I guess right now I am just mad & hurt especially my one friend who has Fibro for many years  You would think she would be supported and concerned but all I get is " you will get used to it ", " it is a way of life ".  No real concern at all.  This is all new to me and I a very scared.... it would be nice to have a friend who let me cry on their shoulder.   Thanks to my husband, he is here and always willing to say " how are you today ? "

[A66eyroad]

Trip, you've always got US!!!         

[Meld256]

TripleC,

I can understand that pain.  I have a family member who has dealt with a chronic illness for much longer than me, and I've sat up late talking with her, crying with her, supporting her, driving her to dr. appts. over the years.  When I became ill, I thought she might be a good support for me, but it's not happened.  I was very hurt for a while.

I had to decide that she is "who she is" and I shouldn't expect anything from her. It's not easy to do. For some people, it's just not in them to give to others, they only take.
There's a line in AA literature that says something like "expecting help from some people is like expecting to get bread from a hardware store."

Hopefully, your friend is only getting used to the idea of you being ill, and just doesn't get it yet.  Maybe she will come around in time.
I'm glad your husband is such a good support. That is SO important!  And, like A66ey says, You've Got us!! Anytime! 

[sunnybunny]

myself,
I find it helps me feel better and feel in contact to
call or send a facebook message or text to a friend
and say' I was thinking it would be grea t to see you and have lunch at ____,
but i'm feeling so sick right now. thinking of you and the fun times we have"

It reminds them you're there, reminds them of the friendship and the way things were
when you were feeling better.

However,
you have to figure out who deserves that from you, and who doesnt.
that part is tricky.

you'll figure out how to balance.