Mom

[lighthouse33]

I will try to get a cleaning service but again it would be up to mom and dad as they are the official bosses.  Think chances are very slim that it will happen because last night, she threw a fit over the heating/air conditioning people coming today and how they might see her bedroom which looks like a hospital room triage with all of her bags and medical supplies.

Dad has been very helpful with the cleaning.  I cleaned all the floors while he swept the rugs.  I cleaned the master bedroom and two bathrooms and he cleaned his office and the garage. 

I want to contribute too and he has taken on the nursing job.  If you would have asked me if he would ever change an ostomy bag I would have said a resounding NO.  He is well aware that I cannot do the cleaning but I don't think he wants to wake the sleeping gaint.

I can still hear her yelling at him after I go to bed at night.  And she is back to cooking meals again.

So, I'm going to have to suck it up for round two againa tomorrow.

[lighthouse33]

Mom has two stomas and a bag goes on each one.  I was informed today that she has no intention of wearing those bags 24/7.  She's taking a large bandaid and taping it on.  The surgeon has told her that he might be able to reverse them and this is what she is counting on.  I told her that it might not be able to be done.

She also said that she is shocked that this happened to her.

Well, I'm not.  She's got to probably have the record for the most non-complaints written in a medical record.  Bad kidney blood tests for a year, doctor says do this and this and she says no.  Last year, have a colonscopy, she says no.  It goes on and on....

If she would have had a routine colonoscopy, they could have caught this as a small polyp and we wouldn't be in the mess we're in today.

[lighthouse33]

I'm afraid (hope I'm wrong) that when she has the PET Scan it will show that the cancer is everywhere.  And it will be too late to do anything minus the chemo they give dying patients for pain relief.  I read the Hospice Guide for Cervical Cancer online and it lists psychological changes and pain as being part of advanced cancer.  And the way she's been for the past year sure fits the psychological part. 

Also read where it says once it comes back it's vicious and that chemo doesn't do any good.

[Carebear]

I'll say it again, Lighthouse...oh boy.    I agree that this does not sound good for your mom.  

I'm glad to hear that your dad and you are working well together.  I really feel for you.  At least you can vent to us here when you need to.   I worry about your ability to continue with this high level of physical and emotional stress.  Please try to get rest daily.  Are you able to get out at all?  Just a bit of time away from the house every day would be healthy for you.

Take care of yourself.  

[Meld256]

Lighthouse,

I believe I owe you an apology.  My last post sounded rather bossy in a way and that's not what this forum is here for.  I'm sorry. 
I have no idea what I would do if I were in your situation.  I think you're doing the very best you can, given the circumstances.  It's hard to deal with a sick loved one, no matter what.  Even if they may be abusive to us, they are still our loved ones and we want to do what we can to help.

So, please keep us updated, and I'm glad you have this sounding board that I hope helps. I will focus on listening to you and encouraging you on instead of giving unsolicited advice, ok?
Take care, dear.
Melinda

[Carolina]

Ah Lighthouse:

NYTimes article about people who won't spend money they need to spend and HAVE:

http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/08/04/when-they-wont-spend-the-money/#more-9817

I think of you, and wish you could have more help!

Pride is a very dangerous fault, I fear.  And your mother and father make it very difficult.

HUGS

Elaine

[Meld256]

Elaine,

Such an interesting article!  Brings to mind the experience with my own parents. (I'll try not to make this TOO long) 

They were children of the Great Depression, my father's family struggling more than my mother's.  They both worked hard as adults, my Dad worked through the ranks of a paper factory and became a supervisor. His income was sufficient and they saved their whole lives and were frugile. We lived well but not in any way extravagantly. When Dad retired he had a pension and he and Mom had a sizable nest-egg.

Fast forward to my parents' later years: at 72 Dad had 2 massive heart attacks, which he rebounded from remarkably. At 75 my Mom began having problems related to Parkinson's and related neurological issues, but they kept a small home and yard by themselves. They saw this becoming harder to do, so at 80 and 84 years old they used a big part of savings and bought into a retirement community with a patio home.  The yard was taken care of, they could still drive and do what they wanted, but there was a social network they enjoyed, and a medical team there within 2 minutes if necessary.  My mother had a couple falls and broke her wrist twice.
It was a huge expense, but it's been the very best thing they could have done.  My brother, sister and I all asked if they'd want to live with any of us, but they wanted their independence and make their own decisions. So I admire them for that.

Over the next 5 years, they needed to move to assisted living where they shared a room 11' by 14'. There was lots of pairing down of mementos and furniture! This was the hardest for them, but it was necessary. Dad was handing out the meds, and we didn't know what he was taking or giving Mom!  He got lost driving, and ran up on curbs and so the car had to go.  My sister and I got that job, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.    It was a huge adjustment for them, and very costly.

[Meld256]

(finishing my SAGA) 

I guess my point telling all this is that I am very glad they spent the money the way they decided.  There is really nothing as far as money left now. My Dad will be 95 next month! He's recently had to go to a dementia area at the same retirement facility and the staff is wonderful and he says he's happy there.  My Mother passed in 2007 and through her illness, I and Dad were there daily but again the staff was remarkable, caring and loving.
The way the home is set up is a Continuum of Care facility.  What they paid years ago still helps now.  He can live there cared for the rest of his days at no extra expense.

Extended family members have made mention how years ago my parents planned to leave an inheritance for me and my siblings and how that won't happen.  None of us could care in the least!!  Not like we were planning our lives around that. It was their decision and I think they made the best one possible for them, and really all of us, too. 

[really?]

95?,,, good for him,,

I think my mom will outlive me,, shes 83 goes to two senior centers a day, along witht eh casino trips, her dad lived to be 88,, her mom to 90,, my poor dad put up with her nonsense for as long as he could take it,, got sick,, (cancer), gave him 6 months and thats about how long he lasted,, almost to  the day

[Carebear]

Melinda,

What a lovely story about your parents!     My dad too moved to a beautiful assisted living facility when he needed to, and it was the best thing he could ever have done.  He had great friendships, loads of recreational activities, and he volunteered every day.

At the end of his life, he left this world with what he came here with.   My inheritance was knowing that he lived a good life.   My cup runneth over. 

[Meld256]

Thanks, Carebear.  Your account is well-said with a lot less words than I! 

Every family's situation is different, but for some the assisted living facilities are a great option.  As with your Dad, my parents had great friendships and activities, and a church family.  Some of the nurses have become good friends, and by the way, I think they are angels sent down from heaven.  My parents had so much more socially and medically than me or my siblings could have provided them.

Really?
Yes, Daddy is almost 95 and thinks he's still 25!  He had an awful bout with pnuemonia last fall; his doctor didn't think he'd pull through, and yet he bounced back. He's a real character.  Now that my Mom is gone, he's on a mission to find a new wife.  With his dementia getting worse, it makes for either embarrassing or funny stories.  Always a very reserved person, now what comes to mind, comes out of his mouth! 
A while back he told me he asked a lady there to marry him. She said no, she didn't enjoy sex. He said he told her "you must have liked it sometime, because you have 4 kids."  Then he made some mention to her concerning her liking to men.  He said "she didn't take too kindly to that".  I said "Gee, Daddy why do you think that is?" 

lighthouse,
I didn't intend to "hijack" your thread.  I guess I thought some humor might help you a bit. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers in your situation with your parents.  Take care, dear.
Melinda

[lighthouse33]

Carolina,

Thank you so much for the insightful article.

Meld,

No offense taken on your posts.  i laughed so hard about your dad's story.  Just what I needed to brighten my day. 

Mom's PET Scan is scheduled for Thursday mroning.  We will know the results on Friday and get the fnal diagnosis. 

[Meld256]

lighthouse,

I'm glad my ramblings were able to brighten your day.  My Dad is definitely not "politically correct" any more.

I'll be thinking of you all with your Mom's upcoming PET scan and keeping you in my prayers.  We'll be looking forward to your updates.
Take care, dear
Melinda

[lighthouse33]

The PET Scan found the recurrent cervical cancer right where they thought it would be and nowhere else.  This is good news.  She will have concurrent (at the same time) radiation and chemo for five to six weeks.  Radiation five days a week and chemo for four hours once a week.  Hopefully this will take care of it.

I don't drive so I don't get out of the house unless mom or dad takes me.  I have been doing Earthing which has seems to make me feel better. 

[Meld256]

Our dear lighthouse,

That seems to be the best news you could hope for, doesn't it? I'm so glad there was nothing that metastasized.
I'll keep her and you and your Dad in my thoughts through her upcoming procedures.  It sounds like quite a round of work she'll be doing for the next weeks. So happy that you have been feeling better. 

Thanks for your update; I was just thinking of asking you today if there was any PET news.
Melinda