Mom

[lighthouse33]

Mom is tentatively scheduled to come home this afternoon.  The nurse will be here.  It is not going to be pretty.  Mom does not want the nurse.  I'm worn out from doing the laundry, washing dishes and taking care of dad.  He is out getting a haircut while I am waitng for the plumber to come and fix a toilet.  At least there will be no more running back and forth to the hospital.  I went because dad wanted me too.  I can feel my body shutting down but I will just have to deal with it.  Think I need three days of bedrest.

[Katybarstool]

Lighthouse, you must get that rest too! As soon as your mum is installed in her bedroom, and familiar with the nurse, I thik it's your turn to rest. Back off, and leave them to it. They will have to get used to one another sooner or later and you need time to recover from these last few weeks, and to rebuild your own resources.

Good luck!

Kathyx

[lighthouse33]

My dearest friends, mom rejected the nurse.  The nurse told me that she has a right to do that.  But at least the nurse has the foot in the door by coming and doing the house cleaning.  I said to the nurse, if her ostomy bag leaks or breaks during the night or she has an accident, it will just have to happen.  Neither dad or I is well enough to stay up with her.  The nurse said sometimes that is what needs to happen before a person will accept help.  So I'm going to bed, have a good cry, turn on my white noise machine and try to get a good nights sleep!  The nurse is coming tomorrow to change the surgery dressing since the home health care nurse couldn't come and she is coming on Friday to take me to a doctor's appointment and do some cleaning.

I won't even get into the fight mom and I had when she got home.  Guess I will be doing the cooking and the care taking.  Nothing I can do about it but keep my lips zipped. 

[Carolina]

OK, your Mom has the right to reject the nurse.

YOU have the right to check into a motel, shut off the phones and sleep.  For two or three days.

To reject BEING a nurse.

I know, easier said than done.

The place where we are in life now, is worrying about BECOMING like your Mom and Dad, at least physically.

At least we have Long Term Care Insurance, and (I hope) we have enough sense to hire what's needed when the time comes.

But I surely understand not wanting a 'stranger' to care for you, especially since they are often from such different circumstances and life experiences.   Just when you're feeling so vulnerable, especially.

My support and good wishes to you Lighthouse.  THANKS for keeping us posted. 

I'd hate to see you wind up in the hospital yourself, to get the rest you need.

Put yourself first for a few days, if at all possible.

Hugs

Elaine

[lighthouse33]

Mom's ostomy bag leaked during the night.  Boy, did she want the nurse there.  Nurse was scheduled to come at ten and in fact was late.  There will be a home health care nurse coming every day to change her surgerical site dressing and to change her bag if needed.  She will come, do her work and leave. 

Mom is afraid that she will have to entertain the nurse while she is there and she is not up to that.  She is still resisting having someone here all the time.

[lighthouse33]

Oh yes, something funny happened this morning, actually it wasn't really funny.  I was cleaning out the litterboxes bending down supporting myself by my knees and calves and I fell down on my butt.  Mom happened to walk by and saw me sitting there and she said what are you doing.  I said I'm cleaning out the boxes and I fell on my butt.  I didn't tell her this but my legs just gave out.  Yesterday I almost fell on the landing of the staircase because my foot shot out and I lost my balance.  I also almost tripped over my feet in the kitchen.  Think the neuropathy is kicking up.  And I don't need a cane, right!

[Carolina]

Dear Lighthouse,

The neuropathy is the hardest part really........the part that affects what I do and how much I move around.

hang in there.

Hugs

Elaine

[lighthouse33]

I have taken myself way out of the picture so to speak.  And I've been really surprised, dad has been great.

But mom is not handling it well.  Angry and I think going into a deep depression.  Doesn't want to talk about it, surprise, suprise.  But we are really trying to cut her some slack.  I had to help her put on a pair of Depends just now and she said she was getting sick of this.  I didn't reply, but from what I've read it takes months to get over this surgery plus she's going to have the double whammy of radiation and chemo.

Our major problem right now is one of infection control.  She insisted on having her ostomy open to the air this morning.  When I looked at it, there was green pus on her skin.  I think she has an infection.  She was touching that and messing with it all morning, then she went in the kitchen and got into the container of potato chips we all eat out of.  Dad has said this to her before that she is going to make us all sick by contaminating the food.  He bought her some hand sanitizer that she refuses to use, says soap and water is better.  But she doesn't wash her hands.  When she does she washes them in the sink full of water where we wash the dishes.  Dad pointed out that this is not good either.  I told him when we were alone that this was a long standing habit going back years and it would be difficult for her to break it. 

[Carebear]

Hi Lighthouse,

I'm glad to hear that you have removed yourself somewhat from this difficult situation.  That's the best thing for your health, and as you said, your dad has taken the ball and is running with it.  That's good news all round.

I agree that your mom may be depressed.  And that infection of hers does sound good at all. 

Continue to look after yourself.  The last thing you need is to get an infection yourself.  How is your neuropathy?  Are you still losing your balance and falling?  You take care now. 

[Carolina]

Hugs to you Lighthouse.

Elaine

[Meld256]

Dear lighthouse,

I'm also glad to hear you've removed yourself a bit from the situation.  And I think it's interesting that when someone needs to take a more active role, they will do it, in the case of your Dad.  So, yes, as Carebear has said, it's better for you and him.

Whatever habits your Mom has had for so long, may be very difficult or impossible to break. But, you can only do what you can. No more.  That infection doesn't sound good; hope she has that treated soon.

Continue to care for you!  I wish you better days and peace.
Melinda

[lighthouse33]

Well, the neuropathy wasn't too bad until I had to do 2 days worth of house cleaning last week because mom got rid of the nurse.  If I don't do the work mom yells and screams and carries on.  She still doesn't understand that the more I do the more pain I am in.  Thinks I will build up strength and endurace.

So right now my right patroid gland is swollen, it hurts to eat, every muscle in my body is shot and the nerve pain is excruiating. 

I am so looking forward to Thursday rolling around again so I can start the cleaning process all over again.

Have to find out whether to put warm compresses on the jaw or use ice?  Can't remember which.

[Carolina]

Get a cleaning service, PLEASE.

Hugs

Elaine

[Carebear]

Oh boy.  Lighthouse, as Elaine said, get someone in to do the cleaning.  That's what will have to be done if you keep pushing yourself anyway.

What's your dad's role in all of this?  He should be helping you.

[Meld256]

Ok, lighthouse, as said before here, why are you doing all the housework?  It's a big place, right? 

I will gently say that you cannot (or should not) be expected to stand in as your mother's nurse and care for that huge house.  Please employ a cleaning service...the parents might not agree, but you won't be any good to yourself or them by wearing yourself out in pain. Please stand up for yourself.  We'll be behind you!