2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .

[harrigan]

This one is true ... my 16 year old daughter said it tonight!

First, the background.  Her Dad left me when she was a year old, with 4 older children up to 11 years old.  He started a new family with the woman he left me for.  He left them a few months ago to move into a house with another 'lady'

We just found out they are planning to visit my other daughter, away at Uni in Wales, staying overnight in a B & B.  Daughter number 2 is disgusted with him and sat thinking for a while, then in her best Irish accent, impersonating her father perfectly, she said she plans to call the B & B in the morning and ask for the room booking to be changed .... to a room with bunk beds!

I won't be stopping her   

[Katybarstool]

Ailsa

Well done daughter number two

Kathyx

[Bucky]

You'll have to let us know if Daughter #2 actually does this!  That would be so funny.   

Bucky

[harrigan]

How to get arrested ...

I had to do Personal, Health & Social Education lesson with my Y10 class (14-15 year olds) on STIs. I had information packs for each infection - gonnorhea, syphillis, HIV etc. So I started the lesson by saying to the assembled groups: "Right, I'm going to give you all an STI". Oh well, at least it broke the ice!!

[Katybarstool]

Ailsa

That's so funny! What was the reaction?

Kathyx

[hjane0811]

A gem sent to me . . . . .


As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room.

Never having seen anyone breastfeed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.

After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."

The innocence of kids . . . ya got to love it!!   

Bucky

Bucky,  I loved this one. Reminds me of two other young people who questioned me under the same circumstance.

One asked "Did they have to make holes in you for that to work?" 

To the second chid, I mentioned, "this is how I give the baby her milk"  and she asked, "Can you make Orange Juice, too?

You are right...you have to love children's innocence and curiosity, too.  Makes sense, doesn't it?

[Bucky]

"Can you make Orange Juice, too? 

LOL - Cute!!   

[Scottietottie]

Apparently my son and DIL were shopping the other day with my grandson who is now 14 months. At the checkout there was a five year old girl throwing a BIG tantrum.

To his parents' consternation and amusement he frowned at the girl and shouted "STOP!" really authoratively. ("stop" is now among his first 10 words or so - but apparently clearer than most) The checkout girl was in fits of laughter. Son and DIL beat a hasty retreat in case the girl's parents were upset.   

[Bucky]

Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
But I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned -
The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation
With all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
Gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
'Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky,
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees . . .
Happy eating to all - pass the cranberries, please.
                                  ~ ~ ~

May your stuffing be tasty,
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
May your pies take the prize,
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL THE MEMBERS WHO CELEBRATE THIS HOLIDAY!!

[Scottietottie]

Love it Bucky! 

[Bucky]

I saw this as I was cleaning out some old emails sent to me. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[Bucky]

Here's another one I found in my mail.  Warning . . . this is a long one, but I bet you can relate.   

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.

Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors.

Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.

You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position - your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the  TOILET SEAT.

It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!).

It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long.

It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!

             

[irish]

Bucky, Oh, that is hysterical and oh, so true. I hate using the restroom in public places!!!

While reading this I was reminded of something that I hadn't thought about in years.

Years ago I went into a K Mart restroom and of course, there was no hook to hang up my purse. I did, of course, put the toilet paper on the seat after placing my purse on the back of the toilet. The floor was dirty beyond belief and also quite wet.

After I got up, flushed the toilet and got all my clothes in order my purse proceeded to fall into the toilet bowl. I thought I would die! I mean DIE! Do you understand that as nurse I am acutely conscous of every micro-organism that could possibly be living in that toilet. AND NOW, IT WAS LIVING INSIDE MY PURSE!!!!

I went to customer service and gave them a piece of my mind, went and bought a new purse and salvaged what I could from the old one. That was truly a very troublesome experience for me. This is not made up but grossly true. Yuck!! Irish

[Bucky]

Irish - OHHHH NOOOOOO!!!!    It sends chills up my spine to read that!  Ewwwww!!

I have never put my purse on the back of the toilet - and believe me, after reading this, I never would!!   

I have had to resort to hanging it around my neck before.   

I bet the next time we are in the dire situation to use a public restroom, we'll think of this thread!!   

Bucky

[olmphoto2]

A COWBOY NAMED FRED

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher
came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, 'Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'


The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: 'Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'


Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.


Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, 'All right buddy what's your name?'


'Fred,' the cowboy moaned.

'Where ya from, Fred?' asked the Ranger.

with terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,






'...the balcony...'