2011 - Laughter is the Best Medicine . . .

[hikerknees]

Don't you dare Bucky, I wouldn't want to feel responsible for you being banned from Wal-Mart!  On second thought though I am not a big Wallie fan, so go ahead .

[stephL]

Sitting at home alone
A man was sitting at home alone when he heard a knock on the front door.There were two sheriff's deputies there.
He asked them, "Is there a problem Officers?" One of the sheriffs asked if he was married and the man says yes. The sheriff asks if he could see a picture of his wife. The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife. The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck."

The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality...and she's a good cook too."


Bank Robbery
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?"

To which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."


Who's dumb now?
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, Which do you want, son? The boy takes the quarters and leaves. What did I tell you? said the barber. That kid never learns! Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?

The boy licked his cone and replied, Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!


Edit: Punctuation

[Pisces24]

Here is one for people who want to brag about their pets!

Two men met while walking their dogs and got to talking. One fellow bragged that his dog made him lots of money from commercials, etc. by doing tricks.  He then had the dog do some wonderful tricks that made them both smile. "What about your dog?" the fellow asked the other. "Does he do any tricks, etc.?"

"Weeell" said the other guy, not to be outdone. "My dog don't have to work for a living!"
I think we all have pets like that! 

[Bucky]

Here you go . . . something to ponder:

Health Message:

1.  If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2.  A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3.  A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4.  A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing . . . yet, lives for 450 years.

AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE!!

[Meld256]

hikerknees,

I just got around to reading your "Walmart" story. (i'm behind)   That's one of the funniest things I've read in a while! 

My brother-in-law was a little like this guy; he was so funny.  He would embarrass my sister at every opportunity while they were shopping. He loved westerns, and way back when the movie Paint your Wagon came out, he loved all the songs and would sing them in department stores. 
I was with them in an upscale store once, and he came up behind us belting out "I was bo-oorn under a wanderin' star! Wheels are made for rollin', mules are made to pack..." while he danced through the dinnerware.  My sister was telling him "hush, stop that, be quiet" and he would just smile and sing louder.

He's been gone for 10 years, but he would've really liked "Mr. Fenton's" style.

[Bucky]

Took this from a friends Status Shuffle post on FB.

I'm in need of CHOCOLATE. Just put it in front of me and walk away...very slowly!   

Bucky (who just ate a Reese's Peanut Butter cup . . . shhhhhhhh, our secret  )

[Bucky]

Saw this on a friends FB page:   

FAMILIES ARE LIKE PANTIES... Some crawl up your butt. Some snap under pressure. Some don't have the strength to hold you up. Some get a little twisted. Some are your favorite. Some are holy. Some are cheap. Some are naughty. And some actually cover your butt when you need them to. Re-post for all the family you know and love, give them a laugh today!!!


Bucky

[Daisy1234]

Here's one that brought a smile to my face.

Working people often ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Mary, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He completely ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a "stupid a** jerk" and he glared at me and then started writing out a new ticket for having worn out tires.

So Mary then called him a "real sh*t head".  The cop finished writing up the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.  Then he started writing out more tickets.
This continued on for about 20 minutes.  The more he wrote tickets, the more we told him what we thought of him and that made him write out even more tickets.

Just then, our bus arrived and we got on it and returned home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we are retired.  Its important at our age.

[Bucky]

It's been a while since we've shared some laughter . . . so, here goes.  I think I posted this one before, but I came across it again tonight and it still brings a smile to my face. 

How do these people survive?

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.  I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.  After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.  Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?".  I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy this today".  She said, "OK", and I paid her for the things and left.  She had no clue to what had just happened.

Bucky 

[Scottietottie]

Um - I wonder how long she'll work there for!!

Thanks for the laugh! 

[Bucky]

From my files:

What My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

[Narablueeyes]

My turn!!

A pirate walks into a bar and he's got a steering wheel sticking out the front of his knickers.

People stop and stare, mumbling to each other.

He takes a seat at the bar and tells the waiter he'd like a guiness.

The waiter returns a minute later, puts the guiness in from of him and says, "I'm assuming you do know you have a steering wheel in your pants."

The pirate replies, "Argh!  Aye matey, and it's driving me nuts!"

[Bucky]

Life's embarrassing moments . . . I can laugh about it, because it didn't happen to me!!   

Today, while I was in the grocery store this lady was looking at some meat in the meat counter and trailing behind her is a long white piece of toilet paper.     So, I told her. 

She said, "no wonder people have been looking funny at me!". 

So, she reached back and pulled it off.  Well, when she did that, some of it was still hanging out of her jeans, so I told her "you still have some hanging".  She rolled her eyes and thanked me so much for telling her.  Then she said, "thank goodness I wasn't wearing a skirt . . . my luck, it would be tucked in my pantyhose and showing the whole world!!"

I've always seen cartoons about this, but never witnessed it in person . . . until today!   

          

Bucky

[Bucky]

Somebody sent this to me:

The Blind Cashier

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs
one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything
about this rod and reel?"

He says, ?"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it
on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter
anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a
Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination,
and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the
sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her
purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally toots.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then
realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who
tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person
around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That will be $34.50
please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you
tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the
Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.

[smallfry]

Every year when the fair came to town a very elderly couple Dave and his wife Mabel would get dressed in there best go,and every year Dave would say to Mabel, I would sure like to have a ride in that plane Mabel, and Mabel would reply yes dear but fifty pounds is fifty pounds.and every year Dave would go home very disappointed.

The next year when the fair came to town they saw the man again with this plane,and Dave said I would sure like to have a ride in that plane Mabel, and Mabel replied yes dear but fifty pounds is fifty pounds.

As this had been happening for a lot of years now the man with the plane Say's to them OK!
I'll take you up in my plane but I hear one word out of you two you will have to pay me fifty pounds.

So they got into the plane and he took them up the pilot did loop DE loops and every trick that he could think of and not one word out of them.

On the way back down the pilot Say's I tried everthing i could to get you two to say something and nothing worked.

Then Dave Say's well I was gonna say something when Mabel fell out but fifty pounds is fifty pounds.