A Strain on My Marriage.....

[CAT1962]

So, I understand if no one wants to respond about personal issues. I am just having a tough time of it. I work 1 FT job, and do 2 PT jobs. (My husband helps me with the PT jobs, as well as working the graveyard shift somewhere else.) Aside from "dry" issues ..ehem...sexually...I am SO tired all the time that I cannot sit and go through our cluttered home. The clutter drives me nuts, as I was never like this, and/or never allowed my house to become this way. I have 4 lazy kids ages 20-10. They do help but only after I have begged. (I have no idea where I went wrong.) Last night I had a dissagreement with my husband over "closeness". He did apologize today, but it's my fault, too, Sjogren's or no Sjogren's. I am really at the end of my semi-sane rope.

No one really gets this stuff, the SjS. I'm just a lazy complainer. My husband doesn't call me lazy but I know the clutter issue gets to him, too. If I sit down because of fatigue, joint pain, etc, he complains that I am not cleaning things and that I "shouldn't complain about it then." Some days we just pass each other from room to room, not saying much, just a grumble here or there. (Married almost 18 yrs.) I literally cry everyday, I am so frustrated. 

Please, excuse my yakking, and any typos.

CAT

[Joe S.]

Cat, this illness is challenging to all our relationships. My wife and I just had a fight because... I do not pay enough attention to her. I do not take care of her. Everything is my fault. Why aren't you earning a living. And on it goes. I understand her frustration because mine is similar. I have chosen not to go allow these taunts to goad me into a fight. I suggest that you read "Spoon Theory" if you have not. Pick your fights. Choose what tasks you can take on and what you can not.

We are heading into the equivalent of the Great Depression. The banks have arranged things similar to then. This time instead of the stock market it is the real estate market with foreclosures and the credit card industry with usury. This only adds to everyone's level of depression. "Feeling Good" by David Burns has examples of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) that can help us through our feelings of depression. It can not cure any financial issues.

You may need to have a family meeting and ask your children for help. Present them with the number of hours you and your husband are working. Ask for help around the house at least. If they can help financially also that would be great. During this time of financial stress, every one in the family must do what they can to help out financially, emotionally, and with chores.

[dainbramage]

Married 18 years also.....I know what you mean. My husband always listens to other people before he listens to me. He doesn't like that I do know what I am talking about.  If it is something I don't know then I research it. So it is always about who is right. He believes in telling the truth, no matter how bad he hurts someone. (me) He used to give me a hard time about how supposedly sick I was ALL the time. I thought it was in my head, that I really was crazy...I cried all the time and I am not a depressed person, I see humor in everything. When I did get diagnosed, I thru it in his face, childish I know but it was such a good feeling. I fought for my first born who had a hard time in school and he thought I was just being too hard on him. Turns out he was dyslexic...thru that at him too. Oh wait, found out he was dyslexic like his son.
I could not keep a clean house, I was tired, I was irritable, I was not into sex, I am overweight, I felt ugly (he sees a pretty girl on tv he oohs and aahs, so now I do that with handsome men, I know childish again, but he has stopped), no one is on the same island as me and can't understand this. I make my children do stuff for me and when one (13y/o) starts giving me a hard time, I take there stuff away for a week, if it keeps up then another week. I told them I need help now. Once I threatened to take their furniture and everything out of their rooms and sell it. If they can't respect me then they won't get anything.  It helped for awhile. I believe kids are spoiled and selfish now a days and it does not help in a marriage. I try to work and when I am sick I can't. Why can't you go to work another day? Well big man you make more money than me, let's see you work extra for a change.
I finally started throwing away all the extra clutter..just get it out...simplify my life..don't need it.
We also passed each other in the hallway today...just silence.
I feel you CAT1962, I send you a warm blanket with bonbons and a good hot toddy (what mixes well with your drugs), I can't drink with mine...hot chocolate and hears to us...CHEERS
XOXO

[season]

The clutter drives me nuts too. My house was never this way before but it sure is now. I do my best and try to accomplish at least small tasks before they become big tasks. Sometimes, I'm simply too tired and that is just the way it is.

I have a hard time letting go of things that I think I will need later on. I save a lot of (stuff) as I am a crafter.

I suppose we can be too hard on ourselves.  So, I think I'll just sit here and drink a cup of my favorite cocoa and tomorrow I'll scrub the tub, clean the kitchen cabinets, vacum the hallway that never gets it, dust and I do mean everywhere, wash the coffee pot that looks terrible, hang some laundry, do some laundry and forget the garage--I'll do it this spring along with the windows------maybe.

[flutterfly]

 MY DEAR SWEET CAT~i'm so sorry! i'm workin' on that SJG suit ta slap on their hineys!

um may i make a suggestion?

what ever happened ta the chore board? we always had set chores & u weren't happy 'til they were DONE! just a thought...a village only runs smoothly when EVERY1 contributes! (even the 10year old!)

life itself can be a strain but add this...it just physically depletes the soul!

do whatcha can & put the rest on the ※chore list※ for the other bodies that share in the mess!

much luv sweets!   

~*flutterfly...workin' on that SJG suit!*~

[CAT1962]

Thank you all so much!  I know the difference between physical friends and family, those around me, but it's you all, the cyberfriends and family, that really understand me right now. Even the sister I was closest to (I am the oldest of 5) doesn't call me anymore, or include me. We are less than 2 yrs apart and she says, "I concentrate on good health, don't dwell on bad health." So she doesn't want to hear my groans and gripes. I TRY not to, but....doesn't work out sometimes. She has lost 50 lbs in the last 11 months running 8 miles every other day. Gripes that if I ran I'd feel better....ok, you can stop laughing.  (RUN??) lol...Oh, well..this weekend I am going over to my mom's and getting rid of HER junk. Mine will have to wait a few...(OH..and my hubby is being overly nice to me now...)

Thank you again...

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO, CAT

[dbab]

Release it and be free   I wish my husband would get rid of his stuff.  He grew up extremely poor so I can understand his need to hold onto stuff but I am always trying to teach him its better to just let it go.  Donating it also makes it much easier to let it go.

[CAT1962]

dbab!  I would love to open my front front and command everything that hasn't been use in the last 6 months to VACANT THE PREMISES!  As a matter of fact someone called to collect it on friday, so tonight and tomorrow...mad woman, so everyone had better watch out! 

[dainbramage]

Sometimes I will wait until he has gone to work and I grab a bunch of stuff and put in my car and I am off to Salvation Army....

[CAT1962]

Good idea except that this STUFF is mine and the kids! LOL He would love NOTHING more than to trash my things. But, heaven forbid  I go through HIS things!

[echofuzz]

hi, CAT.

i'm with you on both the hubby and the clutter.

when i got my most recent bloodwork back, i had a couple more abnormalities than usual. my husbands response was, "well at least we know there's actually something wrong with you..."  to which i replied, "and if the bloodwork came back normal, would that mean there wasn't???"

my house is a mess, too, in large part because i have no time or energy to deal with it. before my son was born, i was in the process of organizing and cleaning the basement. ever since he arrived, though, i just can't make it a priority...(hmmm take care of the son, earn my paycheck, eat, sleep,... clean basement? it just doesn't make it to the top of the list.) makes things tough because a cluttered house makes for a cluttered head, for me anyways.

glad the hubby's being nice now.  if it were me, i'd take full advantage of it!! =)

[dbab]

I'm glad you are taking steps to get rid of the clutter CAT... you will be so happy you did.  It will be much easier on you and you will feel less stressed.  For me because its my husband's clutter, I feel like I have no control over it.  I can't touch it.  I can't clean it or around it so WHEN I have the energy.  I throw it in a bag and put it to the side so I can dust the table, etc. it was on so at least my house stays sanitary as much as possible.  So yes I can relate.

What really irks me is that my husband will say... "are we going to clean today?" and I get to where I will push through the pain thinking the "we" means he will help me.  He gets overwhelmed and quits before he finishes half a room.  I push myself to finish because of my concern for the house but I could spit nails.  He never had to do anything growing up... not even a dish.

[season]

flutterfly, I like your idea of the chore board. The only problem would be my name written on it all alone. I beg for help around the house which usually ends in an argument.

Cat----At least having clutter is not as bad as being a hoarder. I hate those hoarder shows. That really is serious.

[CAT1962]

Flutterfly: I have done the "Chore Board" a few times. They work for about  :-\a  day.

Season: oh, my...I have seen several of those hoarder shows...so sad. I want to jump into my set and hug the hoarder. Breaks my heart. So many don't realize that it is an emotional, psychological disease. Personally, my mom hoards. She is only on soc. security and is an HSN queen. She will order things she doesn't need, then keep them, send them back, a vicious cycle. She isn't as bad as the TV hoarders, but of her 3 bedroom home, 2 bedrooms, din ing room and florida room are full of boxes and stuff. Not THROWN in there, stacked.  It is now overwhelming for her, her BP is very high, so I am going to help dwindle...

[mink]

I've been married 25 yrs and it used to be that me hubb and the 2 kids used to do a good cleaning every Saturday morning before we did anything, but as the kids started growing they got lazier and the arguments started happening. My hubby has always been good with cleaning but then again it's always been mostly his mess! So it came to a point where when he complains about the house being dirty i just go around the house picking up all his mess, putting it in a bag (including dishes) and putting it by the side of his bed! hahahaha.... when he looks around and says "the house looks neat" I say yeah it's all in a bag next to your bed...he gets so pissed off (u can tell by the look on his face) but he doesn't say anything and grudgingly goes and starts putting his stuff away....doesn't work all the time , but i get some satisfaction in showing him that he's a slob and should be picking up after himself!