My dad passed away

[deeindiana]

I know this is off topic, but I hope no one will mind terribly if I give an update. Some of you may remember that I moved to Michigan on Oct. 30 to join my husband and became the caregiver to my 85-year-old, legally blind mother. Dad was living in a skilled care facility back home, but on Dec. 20 we had him transported to a facility up here to be near us.

Dad passed away two weeks later on Jan. 1st. I won't grieve too heavily for an 89-year-old Christian man who led a good life, raised a growing family and went quickly in his sleep. He hadn't been himself since a stroke this fall and I know he wouldn't have been happy about his quality of life towards the end.  But...I still miss him.

This may sound stupid (where else can you unload your fears and stupidity where your family can't hear ) but I almost feel like Michigan is jinxed for me. I keep looking for the silver lining, counting my blessings, being thankful in all things, and trying to look on the good side (and all those other sunny cliches') but I'm about ready to shout, "Enough already!" 

My mom requires much more care than I anticipated and, while capable of the work, it depresses me. Even when my own kids were young I worked outside the home, so becoming a stay-at-home "mom" for my mom is dull (pssst! Plus, she sort of drives me nuts).  I fell down the stairs a month ago, tearing ligaments, and will be in a cast for another month. Meanwhile, the cast makes it impossible to drive, so I can't even "run away from home" unless my husband chauffeurs me. How can you make new friends when you can't even leave the house? It's very lonely.

The bad luck continues...  Our son dropped out of college and went back home to work a minimum-wage job as a cook. He is saving his money to become a professional wrestler. Like Hulk Hogan. No, that isn't a joke. Two of our three vehicles won't start. Our dog bit the neighbor. The water pipes froze and broke in our still-unsold house back in Indiana. After losing 42 pounds, I am on my way to packing them back on. It snows ever freakin' day up here. Dad died. And last, but not least, my second attempt at taking Plaquenil seems to be bringing on the same horrible side effects as before.

There has been good too -- it just seems less "showy" and easily overshadowed by the bad luck. I'm living with my husband again after two years apart. Giving up my full time paycheck hasn't ruined us as badly as we feared. Our children all came up for a snowy, yet heart-warming, Christmas. I saw my brothers for the first time in three years at dad's funeral. Facebook helps stave off the loneliness. I've taught myself to crochet out of sheer boredom (and should have enough scarves to outfit an army by spring).

So, I will keep counting my blessings, rub my rabbit's foot to ward off the jinx, and hope that life takes an upward swing pretty soon. Thanks for letting me vent a bit.
Now, back to our regularly planned programming...
Deb

[Cricket]

I am sorry for your loss.  I lost both parents in a 5 month time frame, my dad was the last to go and I cared for him at home.  It has been 1 1/2 yrs. and I still miss him like crazy, I think I always will.

I hope your silver linings will start to shine more for you.  Sending you hugs and prayers.
Cricket

[Joe S.]

Aw Deb, you have my sympathy.

[Carebear]

Hi Deb,

I am so sorry for your loss.  My Dad passed away a few weeks ago as well, and I sure do miss that little old man.

You are definitely due for some relief, Deb.  I hope for your sake it comes very soon.  My wish for you is that the snow will melt, the flowers will return, and Michigan will feel like home.  

Thanks for sharing.

[LizPetillo]

This may sound stupid (where else can you unload your fears and stupidity where your family can't hear ) but I almost feel like Michigan is jinxed for me.

That doesn't sound stupid at all.
I feel the same way about praying now.
I always get WORSE when I pray.
So I stopped praying. 
I WANT to pray .. but every time I do something horrid goes wrong.
I swear I'm cursed.  Seriously. 

[Sha]

Awwww honey!!! I am sending you a milliong hugs and

Just know you are in my thoughts....sending ya good vibes~~~~~~

Sha

[Crymeariver]

Hi Deb,

So sorry to hear of your Dad's passing and the difficulI adjustment to Michigan.  When you said Michigan I knew exactly what you were going to say about the snow and gloom that settles over the state this time of year.  I've lived here my whole life.  It does get better once spring rolls around.   If there is anything I can do to ease your transition let me know.  Maybe we're close enough to swap crochet patterns  

[CAT1962]

Deb:

You are in my thoughts and prayers! I lost my dad, too, in 2004. We do have a child/job/school thing in common! Also, I am on Facebook, and that helps me keep up with friends and family. (Sending you a PM here.)

CAT

[tired of it]

Sorry for your loss Deb, maybe time to get out of Michigan,, and I;m with you Liz, seems everytime I pray something else happens, and its never good,, and I dont believe that things happen for a purpose,, unless that purpose is to make us worse, I give up trying to understnad anything anymore

[Carolina]

Dearest Deb,

The BEST thing to do is share everything, early and often.

And yes, you miss your dad, very very much.   His entire life sounds wonderful, all the more to miss, Deb.   Grieving is a long process.

But you are so burdened by stuff happening.   AND the enormous burden of being a constant Caregiver.

The NEXT BEST thing to do is find a Caregivers support group.

Care giving is exhausting emotionally, spiritually and physically.

YOU need respite care, self care, TLC, the entire package!

It's easy for me to say, i know, but this drain on you can pull you down Deb, much more than you realize.

Can you get any help, or is it possible for your Mother to go into a nursing home?  

I am thinking of you, and hoping you see things turning a bit brighter.

Do get a strong 'northern light'.   Bright light will lift your spirits and you need that.

And it might help your Mother, too

http://www.medpagetoday.com/Geriatrics/Depression/24159

Keep us posted, and vent and share everything.  

Kisses

Elaine

[Bucky]

(((Dee))),

Sending you my condolences on the passing of your Dad.  I'm sure you will miss your Dad always. 

I know it seems like you have this black cloud hanging over your head and you have a lot on your plate right now.  However, you have not been "singled" out for all this right now in your life - these things just happen.  It very well could have happened whether you lived in IN or MI.  It all just happened to happen shortly after you moved to another state.

It does take a while to adjust to a new state when you move away from everything and everyone you are familiar with.  Been there, done that.  They say it takes a whole year to adjust to anything new in our lives . . . be it a move, job loss, death, divorce, marriage, parenthood, etc. Add to that your misfortune of hurting your leg and that keeps you housebound with you being sole caregiver for your Mom.

Taking care of our aging parents is a stressful time.  I've been there too.  Especially if they suffer from dementia and other illnesses that require you to keep a close eye on them and be with them 24/7.

Dee, you do have a lot going on right now and it's understandable it is stressful and lonely.  That's the nice thing about the internet and computers - you can keep in contact with people all around the world.  Not quite the same as a warm body there that you can hug and sit with and talk with - but, pretty close. 

Hang in there Dee . . . brighter days will come . . . sending you a big HUG.

Bucky

[eyeamdry]

Sorry for your heartache and trouble.  One thing for sure, moving out of Michigan is not going to make everything better.  Unless your son moves out and supports himself totally, you may have to put your Mom in a home too.  Spring will bring new sunshine to us.

[flutterfly]

    ahhh my sweets...i have been goin' through so much of what u describe!

the move...the annoyance...the no1 ta talk ta...plain & simple the
SH※t^storm keeps a cummin'!

i understand & if u need an ear or eyes so ta say...i got a pair of both...muffed up 1's...but i got 'em just the same! 

luva u & feel ya!

~*flutterfly...tuckin'pigtails in chauffers hat so we can blow this popcycle stand!*~

[Rayven]

Dee,

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your dad and all the difficulties you are facing.  I understand completely how being under that avalanche of chaos can be and I have tread the dark waters of depression often enough, I think I have an official membership card.

I am so glad that you can still come here and post about it.  When I am in the deepest throes of depression, I go into lurk mode and it really doesn't help.  

Here in Indiana, winter has been, well, wintry.  We're expecting freezing rain tomorrow.

I hope truly that things can get better for you.  All you can do is make sure you take excellent care of yourself so you have the strength, mentally, physically and spiritually to deal with all these curveballs.

I know you'll make it through.

Peace, strength and B R E A T H E.

Rayven

[genko_b]

Condolences on the death of your father. It certainly has been a rough few months for you! Vent all you like - that's what we are here for. Hugs to you . .

Take care,

Genko