What do to with the resentment

[Meld256]

Lighthouse,

I think learning to refuse being pushed too far has been one of the hardest things I've dealt with. Seems to be common with us!

You say you have accepted your illness. It sounds as if others around you haven't accepted it, or maybe haven't accepted the fact you need rest. I have a family member who had continually pushed me for almost a year. I kept explaining that some days I was ok, some days I wasn't and I knew it was aggrevating to her that I couldn't plan ahead but that's the way it is. I don't like it any better! 
Eventually, she has become much more understanding.

Are you explaining to people that you want to do things in the morning, so you can nap later? (maybe you already are) Sometimes we really need to say no. Resentment generally comes from anger. Are you angry at them for not understanding, or angry at yourself for giving in to them?
Believe me, this comes from personal experiencee. A couple times I'd think, well now I did more than I wanted because they pushed me and I am hurting. Then I would realize I was the one who made that choice, so it wasn't their fault.

Take care of yourself,

Melinda

[Meld256]

Wow, gphx

Just read the "spoon theory" and what a kind but powerful way to explain to others what we go through each day.  Thank you so much for sharing!
Hope you have a great weekend,

Melinda

[navydad]

I am sorry for saying this but I am resentfull, I am resentfull that people who are some of most useless people on this earth are in perfect health,, people that are users,, abusers, and d nothing but either spend there life in bars,, DUI;s constantly, are in perfect health at the minute,, I resent people who can jump out of bed,, get dressed and go on that long awaited trip ,, pack up the family and go to that beach,, or that cruise, or that long awaited fishing trip, the one of a lifetime,, Yes I;m resentfull,
  I was that person that took the trips,, that coulndt sleep the night before Deer season,, I was that excited,, I would wake the boys up at 3am,, cook them breakfast,, head into the woods,, share in teh enjoyment of seeing my sons kill there first buck,, or when they were younger still, teach them the nuances of presenting a fly so that a trout would take it,, hwo the drift had to look perfectly normal, or the fish knew it was a fake,, how they hooked there first trout on fly poles,, the picture taking,, telling the tale over and over,,
Yes I;m reentfull,, I;m not the husband I once was,, come home from work,, see the wife tired after working all day and just grabbing her and taking her out to dinner,, now I cant open a can of soup,, she had a husband,, she had a man that showed nothng but love for everythig,, a man that would do anything if it looked interesting,, I took her white water rafting,, I took friends from Indiana,, flatland indiana,, I took them white water rafting,, they were scared to death,, but they had the time of there life,, Yes I;m resentfull,, I coulndt sit in a boat wiout falling out of it now,,, thers that old saying,, you dont realize what you lost until you lose it,, I lost it and realize what I lost now,,
  My oldest came up to me this morning,, hugged me,, said Dad I love you and I know how hard you strugge,, I hear you sobbing,, I see you wander off to the shed,, I know why,, I know why your in there crying or trying to cry,, but I stil love you,, I know why your not putting lights up this year,, and I wont do it for you,, I know it would break your heart to see someone else doing what you used to do every year wihtout help,, he said,, I see what this has done to you,, I cant make it better,, I dont understnaad it,, but Ilove you,,I was sobbing by the end of that speech,, so you see why I;m resentfull,, when chronic illness falls on a house,, it changes everything,,, it can destroy the fabric of the house,, and I hate readng what the professionals wirte about chronic illness,, like we dont allready know that,, oh,, and I have heard that insanse saying,, when life hands you lemonades,, make lemonade,, this is usually from people who still take the trips,, i;dlike to shove a whole lemon down there throat,, now you make lemonade,, idiots

[nancylee]

WOW.. I guess I am not going to win any popularity contest here but geez, there are so many many people so much worse off than we are. I am pretty severe sjogrens. My whole life has changed. I was one of the healthy ones as well. Then I get a call from my girl friend whos son was in a car accident and he is paralized from the neck down and will be in the care of someone forever. Its the old story" I cried becasue I had no shoes until I saw a man with no feet".

I am greatful I can still speak and talk. I am grateful I can stand and walk. I am grateful I have people who love me and who I love. I am gratful to be alive and to look forward to the rest of today and hopefully tomorrow.

I am not resentful. I am sad I have lost so much. I am not resentful of drug users or people who have drinking problems as they are more ill than we are. We have each other. ( well... maybe not me anymore)  but you all have each other and I can see how you feel for one anotehr.

know I dont how long I have to live, again.. I am have a very severe condition. But I am going to continue to plan for my future. I am going to continue to plan trips I cant make and I am going to plan to live without resentment. 

With Respect,

[Meld256]

This is an interesting topic, to be sure.

Navydad, you write well of heart-felt emotions of resentment and loss.  I hope it was of some comfort to know that your child seems to really understand some of what you struggle with every day.  If I posted earlier sounding like I "knew all about" resentment, I apologize to all, because I don't.
Boils down to the fact that we all deserve to feel however we feel, at any given time.  The emotional parts of all this is perhaps harder to deal with than the physical pain. And we all can be in different places at different times.

I guess if we're truly honest, we all feel resentment sometimes. We can feel angry, sorry for ourselves, and great loss about the "people we used to be".  It's just natural to want that person back!

By the way, color me stupid! I was determined not to let my husband's family take advantage over Thanksgiving. I ended up getting talked into doing too much, feeling like I should help too much and now today again I'm in pain and exhausted. My husband said last night he forgets that I cannot do things the way I could previously, because he was so used to me doing it. Make me wonder a bit where he's been the last 18 mths?  And why do I never learn? Well, still learning every day...

[Redetha1]

 All and can do is send you a  (hug) and put you in my prayers.  I have many of those days too.  Sometimes it is hard and other times easier so just hang in.

[irish]

I imagine I will stir the pot a little but here goes. I don't feel resentment. I am not always happy about being in the shape I am in but it could be worse. I have had pretty lousy health for much of my life but am a tough old codger and just kept doing what had to be done. I missed out on a ton of stuff, but I am lucky and I got my kids raised and lived to see my grandchildren.

Why am I not resentful? You know that is a very interesting question. I am by no means a hero or think that I am better than anyone else. I am a registered nurse. I have worked in Rochester, MN at one of the hospitals during my 3 year nursing education. I saw people from all over the world come to Mayo to be cured. They would be in some of the worst shape you could imagine. The stories of horrible disease and familes who were broken both emotionally and financially can reall haunt you. The night time screams of the patients with horrible pain is also hard to forget----you never forget it you just learn to accept it.

Life is what it is. There is an ebb and flow to all of our lives. We make big choices in our life every day. We can choose to be thankful for what we have and accepting of what has befallen us. All the years I have taken care of patients who have suffered from some really horrible diseases. As a nurse you just learn that you can either accept it for what it is or you can let it eat you alive. The ones who let it eat them alive are the ones who quit nursing or get into drugs and booze. They self medicate to be able to sleep cause what they deal with is haunting.

As uncomfortable as I have been and as scared as I have been at times is no fun. The infections that continue to plaque me are very worrisome to say the least. As I tell my hubby that some day I will wake up dead. Stupid I know, but I realize what is going on and that I can't change it.

Why would I resent any one else at this time of my life. They have done nothing to me nor have I "deserved" what has happened to me. The truth is that "crap happens" at any time to anyone. That is the way life is. Nothing about illness and suffering is fair, but so far I have never seen one person get through life without encountering it.

My attitude revolves around my spiritual beliefs to be sure, but I in spite of everything, I can not imagine living with the burden of spending my days resentful. It is a waste of energy. My attitude is "why not me" "why would I even think that I deserve not to encounter trouble".

I guess another one of the factors in my life that affect how I feel is the fact that I am not paralyzed, I did not die bleeding from every orifice of my body, I did not die in childbirth or have a stroke during childbirth, I did not die from breast cancer crying from the depths of my soul because I had no one in this country to love me---that included husband who never came. I did not get raped at the age of 9 by an uncle resulting in months of isolation and peritonitis with pus running out of my open incision that did not heal. I died with fear and lack of understanding in my eyes.

These things listed above are just a few of the disease and suffering that I had to deal with in nursing. There is suffering in this world. None of us are immune. The ones who do the best are the ones who keep in mind that it could be worse. That is not to say that one can't be sad about their pain or their condition, but to me resentful is something that can runneth over into how we live our life and interact with our family.

Acceptance of life and what it gives us makes the journey much easier whether we are well or sick. Irish

[Joe S.]

I prefer to think that stuff happens and often it can be good. When I use the other form of the phrase, I seem to get the worst. I believe that life is meant to be lived and enjoyed no matter what challenges you face along the way. Sometimes I do admit that it is hard to find that enjoyment among the challenges that we face.

The one thing I try to remember about life is that you never get out of it alive. So you have to take what knowledge and enjoyment you can while trying not to harm others. Being human and hurting I sometimes forget this one and have to apologize for my poor behavior.

[navydad]

Nursing is a proud profession,, and I am sorry you had to see all of what you saw in your career ,, and I have heard tales of nurses going off the deep end with drugs and booze,, but its a job that ones chooses,, be it good or bad,, you tell of people screaming in hte night,, either accept it or let it haunt you,, I guess you just have to grow a thick skin,, You know I was at Mayo,, and I also saw some people who were in worse shape then me,, but I went there hoping that there was some kind of miracle there for me,, I would have been better going to Lourdes drinking from that magic spring there,, yes there are people that are in worse shape then me,, but there not me,, I am me,, I;mnot trying to be argumentive ,, but there trials are there own trials,, mine is mine,, I dont like being told by anyone,, thre are people worse off then you,, personnaly I dont care,, again,, I;mnot stating a argument,, I feel for people who are in worse shape to a point,, if a person is going to cork off in 6 months from something, at least they know and can accept it,, but when some of us just walltz down hte road of unknowns,, wakinng up to different things happening to our bodies that we dont understand and doctors who just shake there heads,, it makes one resentfull,, and a feeling of no hope, how can you have hope when you cant find answers,, how does one continue to suffer when you dont even know why your suffering,, and no one can tell you why your suffering,, I have had good nurses and some really bad ones,, when I had that Chiari surgery,, I had to beg for 10 hours for a blanket, and a pillow, I had a nurse lie to me when she put a IV in my arms and my arms swelled up like a ballon,, she missed the vein and had to tell me that oh some people get a reaction like this,, I;m not a idiot becasue she replaced the IV into the vein,,
 I had spianl fluid pouring out of my neck onto the pillow when I had menigitis,, the nurse said it was sweat,, my wife lifted my head enough for her to see it wasent sweat,, it only took a few hours before a doctor came in to look at it,, guess it wasent to inportant,, when I had surgery again, I didnt bother to call my family,, i went in alone, I really didnt care at that moment if I lived or died,, I didnt care,, after being screwed over so many times,, I didnt care
I had one good experience,, a male nurse named Bill,, when I was in hte ER with menigitis,, a fever of 105,, delusional,, he told me after my wife and sister went out of the room for a minute,, he said,, you know your in bad shape dont you,, I was awake to know what he was talking about,, andI said yes I know,, and he told me to start making my peace just in case,, I was calm, I was calm enough to know I was possibly dying,he held my hand and prayed,, I will never forget him,, well enough for my saturday morning rant,, love you all

[LizPetillo]

oh,, and I have heard that insanse saying,, when life hands you lemonades,, make lemonade,, this is usually from people who still take the trips,, i;dlike to shove a whole lemon down there throat,, now you make lemonade,, idiots

DITTO.

[lighthouse33]

I've said no til I'm blue in the face and no one adjusts the schedule.  So I guess partly I'm anger at them for not understanding.

This flare has lasted so far two months.  Relatives believe that I will come out of this one just like I have all the others.  I'm not so sure about that.  The nueropathy is progressing and the pain is 24/7. 

I helped out with a lot of the cooking on Thanksgiving and today I helped hang a wreath on the second floor landing and put in an artificial tree outdoors along with cleaning out notebooks etc.  It is now late in the afternoon and my body is shot. 

I'm going to have to give up the one thing I love most, wathcing tv programs.  Nights are awful and I can't sit up in the recliner anymore have to lay in the bed where I can't watch TV.  So, I'm going to delete all of my tv programs and season passes off of my DVR and stop stressing about it and move on.  Work myself to exhaustion during the day and to bed by the latest 8 PM.  I'm tired of trying to explain this to others and tired of fighting the pain. 

[navydad]

I hear ya lighthouse,, no one will ever understand,, how can they,, do what you have to do,, dont throw good money after bad,, if you have to be in bed by 8PM,,, so what,, I have went to bed at 5PM and I dont care what anyone thinks, but you know whats the worst part,, when I walk into the bedroom, I feel like I;m walking into a jail cell,, I dont know if you get any relief when you sleep,, but I dont, different parts of my body will flare, in pain, so the best i can do is take a cocktail mix of meds and hope to pass out for a few hours,, wake up at 4am,, and start it all over again

[irish]

I have to tell you that you don't have to feel sorry for me and my career choice. I love nursing. I love the challenge of learning. I love the ability that I have learned to help people feel more comfortable by just doing some simple tasks that make life easier for them or relieve the pain for a while. This does not include pain meds. There are things that work well for pain other than a pill.

I felt it was a privilege to help someone die with dignity and without pain. I find it satisfying to help a family cope and be able to stand at the bedside of a dying relative without feeling squeemish.  Death and suffering is something that teaches you so much about life, about others and about yourself. You can't witness death without being in extreme awe of the life hereafter. This is what has meant so much to me.

Nursing is bloody hard work. It kills your body physically ( I was one of the charge nurses that could get out in the trenches with my staff and do what they did, if needed--I wasn't tied to the computer) It can tear your emotions apart. Yes, you have to grow a thick skin, how else would one be able to do the nursing tasks.  A nurse doesn't have time to sit around and put her finger aside her nose and say "gee, I wonder how I should feel about changing that colostomy bag" when there is stool from one end of the bed to the other because the bag leaked. We just do it!!!!

Some people can't stand this type of work and they shouldn't be in it. If you want to sit at a computer all day and not interact with a patient then that is not nursing to my mind.

Yes, it affects how I feel about illness. It also affects how I think about others illnesses. I can tell by looking at someone if they are sick. Many times I can tell when people are having kidney problems or heart failure on my first meeting. You would be surprised at the amount of info the body gives off.

Sooo, when I say I am not resentful about being ill, I mean it. I have seen way too many people suffer and I know that if they can take it I can take it. Suffering is part of life. We aren't promised a life without pain and suffering. The key word that encompasses suffering and resentment is the word acceptance. I can accept what has been handed to me. I am not happy about it cause there are a whole lot of things I would have liked to have done with my life. Heck, the money I spent on health care is ridiculous.

However, I am in my own home, I am warm and I have food to eat and a family who love me and often who put up with me. The thing that really bothers me is the fact that my boys are going to have to suffer in the years to come. Some of them are suffering now from autoimmune stuff. I feel darn guilty about that. I can't change it so I don't dwell on it.

THe big thing that I find important in the midst of my health issues is making sure that my kids don't have to get stuck cleaning up a mess in the house or cleaning up a financial nightmare. The thing both hubby and I strive for is to do what we can for ourselves and try our darndest to leave the legacy that illness is to be accepted. If we sit around and whine and complain our kids will not even want to see us. Thats the way it is with illness. Healthy people don't like to be around sick people.

They can't take the emotional stress nor can they deal with the fact that it could happen to them. If both hubby and I spent our days resentful we would never enjoy the good things that happen in life. I don't mean the earth shaking fun and games stuff. I am saying the sunrises, the sunsets, the chills that go up and down your spine when you hear a touching song. In my world resentment means bitterness and bitterness means being lonely and alone. I will fight to the bitter end to avoid resentment cause it would destroy me and my family. Irish

[navydad]

I;m happy that you came to the acceptance part Irish,, for me its fear,, tomorrow is our first day of deer season,, I was able to hunt almost every day,, I had a LITTLE problem with the cold and my hands were just barely bothering me at the time,, how bad things have gottten in a year is disturbing, I have tried to get out in the woods the past few days,, I am staggering around, out of breath,, hands are shot,, stomach is worse,, I am not resentful of ife, I am resentfull of being dismissed, I dont care how book smart people are,, when I walk in a office of a doctor,, you dont have to be a genious to see that I;m sick,
  AND,, I was reading over the long nice letter I got from the gastro, and he touched on a variety of issues that might be affecting my GI  tract,, but he also didnt forget to mention that I suffer from anxiety and depression,, they love to toss that in,
  I dont like paying so much for our health insurance,, over a 1000 a month, for me and my wife, along with med cost,

[irish]

navydad, I don't know why you would be surprised about the anxiety and depression part of the letter. That is one of the components of your illness that you refuse to acknowledge. I don't know if you realize it or not, but patients who refuse to be treated for their anxiety and depression do not usually get as much respect from their doctors.

A doctor can't always sucessfully treat a patient whose anxiety and depression are such a huge component of their medical issues. People who aren't depressed don't talk about shooting themselves or many of the other self destructive statements you have made on these posts. I am laying this on you cause someone needs to do it. You are just shooting yourself in the foot running to all the doctors and then probably not being compliant or getting the psychiatric help needed to treat your depression.

If you have not gotten treatment of any kind for your anxiety and depression then you might as well keep on expecting the worst from your family and friends. You have not figured out yet that depression can destroy relationships. It probably isn't your illness that causes as much trouble for you as your depression and how it impacts your interaction with others.

I would also bet that you are having mood swings cause they are obvious in your postings. Please go get some help. We all care here but it gets old trying to deal with someone who doesn't want to help himself. If you are too macho to get help you will just have to adjust to feeling miserable. You don't understand depression at all. The chemicals in your brain are screwed up from your pain and the stress of the illness. This impacts your ability to sleep, affects your gastrointestinal tract, makes your emotions cycle up and down like crazy, affects your endurance and ability to deal with pain and other physical health issues.

If you had a bad experience in the past with psychiatrists, etc. please tell one of your docs and ask for a psychiatrist who would do right by you, ie, understanding and able to talk with you. There are some lousy psychiatrists out there just like there are some other lousy doctors. Be realistic and talk with your doctor about this.

If you keep on complaining and don't get the anxiety addressed the doctors don't have a clue whether it is really physical symptoms or physical symptoms made worse by the depression. It could even be depression that comes from your brain surgery and that would need to be addressed also. People who have had brain surgery suffer from a very high rate of depression. Heck, just the amount of steroids needed post op in brain surgery can cause depression to kick in.  Your attitude is lousy and you are one of the most negative people that has posted on this site in the 6 years I have been here. If you are miserable then take some responsibility for things and get help and sort things out so that you will have some good years with your family. Irish