What do to with the resentment

[lighthouse33]

I am feeling growing resentment toward relatives and non relaitves who are healthy or at least healthier than me.  It's not their fault after all.  Note - I've accepted my illness. 

Recently I finished up a two week course of prednisone which really didn't do much to help.  The neuropathy has now spread to below my stomach and now includes my hands and arms.  The pain is intense and constant.  I'm already on Cymbalta, Lyrica and tramadal for it. 

As soon as I seem to be making progress, I am pushed to do something in the afternoon that I do not want to do and bam everything gets worse. 

Really tired of going to bed around 6 to 8 PM.  Looks like tonight will be the same.  But what can one do. 

[Bucky]

(((Lighthouse)))

I don't have any suggestions about how to deal with your growing resentment toward relatives and non-relative healthy people - but, just wanted to say, I'm sorry you are having so much intense and constant pain.   

At times, it just doesn't "seem fair" that we got dealt the hand we received.  I'm sure others with diseases feel the same way.  When I am feeling a bit blue thinking of the things I can't do any more because of Sjogren's, I think of the children at St. Jude - those brave boys and girls who are dealing with cancer at such a young age.  Breaks my heart - they certainly didn't ask for the hand that was dealt them.

Sending you a hug Lighthouse . . . sorry, that's the best I can do.

Bucky

[Carolina]

Oh, Lighthouse!

Constant pain, fatigue and disability create so many terrible feelings.   

Who pushes you to do things you don't want to do?

My husband does that sometimes, and I overdo out of guilt and just to shut him up.

It never works and I always pay the price.

I'm learning to say no no no.   And to refuse to be pushed.   But it IS so hard.

And part of me WANTS to try to do things, hoping I won't have the "BAM everything gets worse" experience this time around.

But I have to listen to my body.

Right now my knee, which had surgery in April, is almost as bad as before the surgery.  I'm so afraid that I've torn more of the meniscus, OR that I have bone on bone where the meniscus is gone.   I know I over did it when we were unpacking 5 weeks AFTER the surgery, because my husband was pushing me and angry i wasn't doing more.

Talk about resentment!!!!!!!!

Oh, well, the physical parts are terrible, but I swear the emotional parts are sometimes the hardest.

Keep us posted.

Kisses

Elaine

[lighthouse33]

Carolina,

I should have phrased that differently, it's not that I don't want to do the things, it's that I want to do them in the morning so that I can nap in the afternoon.  But everybody keeps scheduling events in the afternoon.  Every time I don't get down and nap in the afternoon I pay the price with increased pain and an early night in bed. 

I am sorry your knee is giving you trouble.

Bucky,

you are so right, there are people out there worse than us.  I love reading the encouraging and upbeat stories in the Reader's Digest.  It's one of my favorite magazines.

[kwolfsheimer]

I am also resentful and I try not to let bitterness or that "woe is me" feeling get the best of me.  I also push myself too hard.  I am on the fence right now about taking a full-time position back again as a high school teacher.  I remind myself that I left the profession six years ago because I couldn't keep up with the workload and the stress was killing me.  But the prospect of more money is very appealing-- and even though my husband knows how sick I am, I can tell he really wants me to take it.  I might if I could get an hour to lie down AND planning time! i make a decision next week. 

It is hard when people look at us like they would look at themselves-- "But you don't look sick."  "Maybe if you just got out more."  "Have you thought about exercising?"  "My neighbor was tired and took vitamin D. Have you tried that?"

I just don't bother explaining anymore. I still feel guilty bailing out of parties, and committee meetings, and all the numerous obligations that I used to force myself to make it through.  The problem is that the weekends don't even recharge me anymore and yes--lighthouse, I go to bed at 8:00 too.  I haven't watched a TV program in forever.  I find more in common with my in-laws who are 85 yrs old than my friends.

[Lesleybird]

  Hi, I also have constant pain and fatigue and work a full time job even when I feel awful because I push myself to do so. Sometimes at work I am so fatigued that I want to die but I put on a happy face and take care of my sick patients anyway.  Feeling sad and dissapointed that you are not healthy is ok, resenting someone else because they have health is just wrong. You should be happy that they have health.  Their having health has nothing to do with you being ill. Life is not fair. Try to focus on what you can do with your life with what you are given, not what others have.  Envy or jealousy does not make this better, only makes us bitter.    Lesley

[Kerrikins]

I wouldn't resent other people being healthy however I really would start resenting them otherwise if I had explained my situation but they kept scheduling things right when I was the most fatigued anyway. I guess if it were me I would go right ahead and take the nap. Hopefully then people will miss you and will make an effort to do things at a better time for you. Maybe they will also notice how improved you are when you do get to rest. I know there is give and take and things can't always go according to one persons schedule but I would sit things out on those days when you really aren't up to it. If you are rested you will probably find you aren't so resentful. I know how it can feel to be so worn down with other people who can't imagine how you feel pushing you to be busy, its hard not to get frustrated. Take care,
Kerrikins

[irish]

You know, it really isn't fair to feel resentment towards the healthy people in our lives. Reason being, they are not going to get out of this life unscathed. Everyone has their suffering to endure at some point in their life. You may find that the ones you are resentful of end up having much worse problems than you and then you will feel guilty.

Life is what it is. We don't ask for this and being angry does nothing more than raise your blood pressure and make you less accepting of the condition you are in. Also, be aware that when you are angry all the time you set yourself up for being more ill. It is much healthier to accept your lot in life and live your life in such a way that you are able to accomplish some of your goals.

I learned a long time ago that I could no longer do things out of desire or out of guilt. The committees that I used to be on no were starting to kill me and I was resenting that big time. I learned that I could not do without my nap or rest period in the afternoon. Sooo, I just didn't do other things that interfered with the lifestyle I needed to remain functional.

We all have to pick and choose our battles and our committments in life. I figured my hubby, kids, part time job and home were my main issues and anything else would have to sit on the wayside to get done. I also learned to pace myself and do things when my energy level is the highest. Mine is lousy ini the morning but much better mid afternoon. I am a basket case about 4 PM and many times have a surge of energy after 8 PM. Makes for an interesting lifestyle, but it is amazing how much more you can accomplish when you feel better. I can get more done in one hour in the evening than I can all day sometimes.

I also want to mention that when we feel anger and resentful in relation to our illness it is picked up on by our family, friends and the doctors we see. Our attitude can really be lousy and make us hard to get along with. Better to have acceptance and have a more peaceful countenance. Irish

[gphx]

1. Read 'Spoon Theory': http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/

2. Love yourself.

3. JUST SAY NO.

[Joe S.]

What I would add to gphx is that you work on grief and depression as directed in "Feeling Good" by David Burns.

[LizPetillo]

Really tired of going to bed around 6 to 8 PM. 

That's now my bedtime as well.  Has been for a few months now.  I lay there but can't sleep.  I'm really tired of watching 2 1/2 men reruns.  It's a crass show.  Can't read because my eyes hurt too much by then.  Can't pray because I swear that every time I do, I just get worse. 

As for resentment .. I don't resent them being healthy .. I resent them not understanding even after having it explained to them.  I shouldn't .. but I do.  When they are told that it hurts for me to talk, and yet they come up to me and say 'tell me what is happening with you' ... 'what is going on' ..  'what do you do all day' ... I just want to slap them. 

The worst .. a former best friend saying I was exaggerating.  If he had been in the room with me when he said it I would have put my fist through his nose. 

I resent their ignorance even after having things explained .. but I dont' resent their good health. 

[DragonflyC]

I try to keep in mind that I don't know what burdens others carry, even those I know well.  Everyone's life is full of challenges. 

[bloodless]

Don't feel lonely. I'm in bed by 8 as well. People quit bothering to ask me to do anything anymore. Kinda sucks when I think I could muster the energy. Just goes with the territory eventually.

Carolina, I had surgery for my miniscus as well. When it started hurting just as bad a little while after surgery, I called the doc and the only think he had to do was give me this big shot of some kinda of stuff (I forget the name) in that knee. Please call your orthopedic surgeon. You should never ignore pain after surgery.

[warmwaters]

Hang in there. Try to see your resentment of the healthy folks as a fleeting emotion that you'll get through. I hope that you will, 'cause stay in stuck in that mode will make you unhappy in the long run. It's like when I want to yell at people with small children who are making noise. The truth is, sometimes I just can't deal with a lot of noise when I am tired, but that doesn't really mean that those kids are really misbehaving.  Luckily, I haven't yelled yet.

Also see if you can tell family members when your best time to do things is. Also explain that this may change, as this disease changes over time. If it's something like grocery shopping, you can say no, and let others do it. If it's something social that you want to do, explain that you'll come, but that you may have to leave early, or take a rest part way through, because that's a tough time of the day for you.

I spent 3 days with friends this summer and explained that I would some times just have to go and rest. I was dreading this, but they were great about it. I didn't get to do everything I wanted with them, but got to do more than if I hadn't gone.

Best thoughts to you,

[irish]

You know, we can explain things about our disease until the cows come home and people still won't get it. They are not being stupid or mean. I don't think they have anything to "hang their hat on" so to speak. In other words, if they or any of their close family members haven't had anything like this they have no way of comparing symptoms, not to mention that they don't even have a clue what a symptom is.

I believe that most people don't understand another's suffering until they have suffered themselves. Even after their own suffering they still don't understand others disease processes, but, they understand being ill. It makes them more patient and understanding. They are more apt to accept us and the way we have to live because they know the inconvenience of an illness.

I have a friend who never had a cold until she was about 60 years old. She was never sick!!!! I told her hubby that some day she would die fast because she wouldn't recognize "sick" when it hit her. He agreed with me cause he never feels good. She has no clue about what I tell her. She was surprised big time when I told her about some of the events we went to with them when I was so sick I could hardly stand up or think. She had no clue. I thought I looked like crap and thought that should have been a hint. Maybe I look like crap all the time.

Anyway, I just give up on explaining things to people. I just tell them that I need more rest than most people. They don't even understand that but who cares. Not my problem. I don't have to understand them I just have to live with the disease. Irish