inlaws or outlaws

[season]

Sorry, this topic may or may not belong here but I hope if anyone has anything to offer that you will please reply.

Does anyone have a son-in-law or daughter-in-law that no matter what you do, it just isn't enough?

Has your son or daughter completely changed since marrying and it is not for the better?

Have you caught your in-laws in damaging lies and you can't convince your children what is going on?

How do you turn away and watch your children do stupid things and you know that is what you really have to do since they have to make their own mistakes?

[Scottietottie]

Hi 

This is a perfectly good topic for the social hour!

Personally I've been very lucky with in laws - both parental and DILs and SILs. (So saying - I wasn't so lucky with my own parents who told me i was making a HUGE mistake marrying my husband and that the marriage wouldn't last. That was 35 years ago)

One of my son in laws is a bit of a 'woose'. He's not a bad person though - just a needy one. However, my daughter seems to love him so I keep out of it.

It's frustrating when we see our kids making mistakes at whatever age - but I don't think there is a lot we can do other than to be ready to pick up the pieces if necessary.

Take care - Scottie 

[genko_b]

Dear Season:

So sorry you are struggling with this. Ouch!

This is such a tough question. Not because we don't know the answer, but because we don't like the answer. As you said yourself:

"How do you turn away and watch your children do stupid things and you know that is what you really have to do since they have to make their own mistakes?"

There is very little that is more painful than seeing our children go off course from our wishes, desires, ideals, and expectations for them and how they fit into our lives. Staying with that pain, and sharing it with people we trust when it is too much to bear by ourselves, is about the most we can do.

I have two grown "kids" and for me it is a constant struggle not to try to stick my oar in and help paddle. Sometimes I have to bite my tongue until it bleeds! It is particularly true when we can predict the outcome of our kids' actions and would love nothing more than to spare them grief. But it is their life, their decision, their grief.

Of course, there may be times when you absolutely have to speak out, put your foot down, or make your position clear. I remember when a dear friend fought her own son for custody of her grandchild, and won, since the son and his wife were deep into a drug addiction. They never spoke to each other again, but it was what she had to do for the grandchild's sake. In a life-or-death situation like that, you have to act.

Most of the time though we just have to tell ourselves we did the best we could to love them and raise them, and take deep breaths. Every parent here knows and understands what you are going through.

Take care,

Genko

[Katybarstool]

Season

I think I know what you mean. My eldest son married a woman 7 years older than him, and she seemed perfect for him at the time. Roll on a few of years, and he had no friends of his own, and no relationship with us, or his brothers. That wonman has caused so much heartache in our family. However, we are trying to mend the relationship, even if it's only so that we can have a contact with our little grandchildren. It's not easy though.

Sometimes, I think my mistake was welcoming her into the family as a friend. I've now realized that, so that she doesn't try to bully us, our relationship will have to be more distant. Perhaps treating her like a friend made her feel we were weak and that we could be monopolised.

Genko, you make some very good points. It's really hard watching your kids live through turmoil, but they are the only ones who can sort it, and we can be there to support them.

Season, hope your family situaton turns out how you would like it to.

Hugs
Kathyx

[Carolina]

Oh, Season:

Doesn't every family since the dawn of time deal with this?

Sigh.

Deep breaths is right!

I get to be the mother-in-law to the wives of my two sons.  

You know the jokes used to be about the wife's mother....but the real problem is always between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.    It just is.

One reason is that the MOST perfect relationship is the Mother/Son relationship.   I read that some where.

Sooo, he's in the middle of course.   And the wife MUST win all of his affection away from you.

I do and have done everything possible NOT to be the wicked mother-in-law.  

BUT, as you said, there are just some people who are going to take everything the worst way possible.  It's down right scary for me.

EVERYTHING turns into something else right before my very eyes!   No matter what I say or do, it sets off a contest of wills.

I can't even AGREE with her without setting her off.  

If I tell you that in addition to all of the above BOTH my son and DIL are shrinks?   Can you believe it???

The French daughter in law is no problem (married to my older son) because she is so very well bred, trusted me completely to have her two children for six weeks every summer since they were 5 and 7, and since they're in France, the rest of the time I don't enter her conscious thoughts.  

But, you never get off Scott free I find.   And so we live 15 minutes from the shrink family, and tutor the boys every week, and see them often for one thing or another on the weekend.  

Maybe it will get better as the kids get older.  Right now she thinks I'm plotting to poison them with chocolate and sugar, and ruin their minds with TV and the internet.

Oh well, I wouldn't let my in-laws give my first son a gun.  Too violent.  I got over that after a while, but I was pretty difficult myself.

What goes around comes around....or is it the other way around?

And of course the holidays brings out everything in spades.

Keep us posted Season

Kisses

Elaine

[Pisces24]

Heck I have a Co-Worker that way.  I have to put up with her Every Day! 

I don't have any family and just relatives that live a long ways away.

I think it is easier to deal with family when they are at a distance?

[season]

Thanks everyone. I find from reading your replies that all of you do understand and are going thru what I am having to deal with.

Sometimes it is scary and the mind games are unreal. A few years back, I would never had guessed any of this to happen to me.

It makes the holidays a bit worrisome.

Somehow, I have got to let everything go, son included. I am so very, very unhappy. I can't cry. I have no tears.

[irish]

 I am a three son mother!!! Also one grandaughter and 2 grandsons. I don't understand girls at all.  Old Chinese Proverb say " A son is a son til he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life".


Now if I could just learn to keep my mouth shut!!!! Irish

[BonusMom]

Our family's pain in the arse is my sister-in-law, my brother's wife, who is my only sibling's, wife.  She is 9 years his senior.  She has alienated him and his son (not her child) from my family and our mother.    At our Dad's funeral, she announced they were moving from CA to Illinois because they have "better family" there (one of her brothers lives there).  

I keep telling myself that my brother is staying with her until my nephew graduates high school (in two years) and then my brother will kick her to the curb, but that may be just wishful thinking on my part.

On the other hand, I adore my MIL and FIL and the feeling is mutual. Their former DIL was a manipulative drama queen that left a trail of terror wherever she went.

Are my halo and wings shiny and straight?  

[CAT1962]

I have 4 children, 20 yrs to 10 yrs. The in-laws I deal with are my husband's niece who is just about 5 yrs younger than me (I am 48). And, sometimes my husband's sister. Once my SIL once said in front of me, "Well, you know that your girls get their figures from their dad." Yeah, I am 50 lbs overweight...lol..I was stunned and had no comeback at all, of course. (She is even more overweight than I am.) Her daughter, the niece, just isn't a nice person at all. She will go all day on a Thanksgiving and not even speak to me. Then, out of the blue, the next day I am her best buddy. Strange. They both blame me for my husband having to work nights, and not days, and I am probably the reason he has high blood pressure.  My mom in law, though,  was the sweetest person. She called me her daughter. I miss her. She passed away unexpectedly in her sleep in 2002.

[navydad]

I have 4 children, 20 yrs to 10 yrs. The in-laws I deal with are my husband's niece who is just about 5 yrs younger than me (I am 48). And, sometimes my husband's sister. Once my SIL once said in front of me, "Well, you know that your girls get their figures from their dad." Yeah, I am 50 lbs overweight...lol..I was stunned and had no comeback at all, of course. (She is even more overweight than I am.) Her daughter, the niece, just isn't a nice person at all. She will go all day on a Thanksgiving and not even speak to me. Then, out of the blue, the next day I am her best buddy. Strange. They both blame me for my husband having to work nights, and not days, and I am probably the reason he has high blood pressure.  My mom in law, though,  was the sweetest person. She called me her daughter. I miss her. She passed away unexpectedly in her sleep in 2002.

I swear the most miserable people in our lives will outlive us and die peacefully in there sleep at the ripe old age of 100,, while the saying the good die young is absoulately true

[CAT1962]

Navydad!  Weird thing...my dad's mom couldn't stand MY mom for the 1st 25-30 yrs of the 43 they were married. She did everything she could to cause turmoil in the marriage. My grandmother was always "dying"! Whether it was her kidneys, heart, whatever. She swore that day was her last on many, many occasions....she died at age 96 in 1999. 

She did lighten up the last 15 yrs of her life to some extent.

[Pisces24]

Here is a funny my dad would get a REAL kick out of if he was still alive.
In tracing our family tree I found a few years back we are "some odds" cousins to Jessie James!

I had "peaches" in my family too. Just to name a few: prejudice grandmother, stuck in the 60s aunt, almost prepetually drunk great uncle, and some middle income cousins who are more stuck up than the Rockafellers.

Try looking at the annoying ones as funny!  Some to provide a perpetual source of amusement. 

CAT1962===girls get their figures from their dad. You could have said yes and thankfully my brains!

[mariefnp]

I have both.. 2 SIL.... that said, one SIl is great... although he is naive, our daughter is great , he is great, and they are both pursuing education to further themselves....he doesn't understand my disease, but that is ok, dgt does.

Forward to Dgt #1, who married in May to our SIL....they've been married about 7 months, and now are seeking a divorce...there are many things we don't know about, but he did say in an email to her, that my RA is "self-induced" and if I got off all my meds, I'd be cured! WTF is he talking about!!!! What an a$$!!! Anyway, i'll be glad he'll be out of the family...

[CAT1962]

Picses24, I would have said that. LOL. But, I didn't want to hurt my hubby's feelings...truthfully, they DO get the better brains from me...lol

marie, OMG! How ignorant!! Your family is better off without him!