Ugh...dating?

[Bucky]

Erin - sounds like quite a day!  In my mind I can picture everything that happened to you while you were hiking . . . I could see myself doing all of that too.   

Aren't you glad he sat down on the bench first?!   

Hey, he knows how to grocery shop and cook.  Thumbs up!!   

Sounds like you had a lovely day.  Bet that nap felt good when you got home too.

Thanks for letting us share in your dating experience.  Brings back good memories of when I was dating my husband.     Just enjoy each time you and ??  (what is his name, you can make something up - we'd never know) get together.  Just remember . . . . it only takes a spark to get a fire going! 

Have a great week Erin.

Bucky

[ErinG]

His name is Hickory    It's unusual, but it makes it easy to hear your name called for a dinner reservation!

It's very exciting for me, and I know my posts can be long, but I just have to share!

And yes, I'm glad for once it wasn't me falling!  I also got to see the chickens as they were making a lot of noise on the other side of the yard, digging in the leaves for bugs.

It seems he picked up cooking a long time ago because he built his house 7 years ago.  And I'm guessing he's pretty good at it because he loves food, and so far we have only eaten at places that are very good.  Maybe someday soon we'll get to share a home-cooked meal 

[Katybarstool]

Erin

You have a lovely way with words. Thank you for telling us about your hike. He sounds like a wonderful young man. I'll keep watching to see how things go.

Kathyx

[ErinG]

Thanks Kathyx.

Of course now I'm starting to doubt myself.  It's really silly, because I called Hickory last night and left a voicemail.  He usually calls back, but he didn't this time.  I'm sure he was busy, didn't have his phone with him, or even went to bed early.  But there's always that little negative voice in the back of my head.

I worry too much!

[Katybarstool]

Erin, take a deep breath. There could be lots of reasons he didn't call back, but it still early days yet. Try not to get anxious, you know he's a busy bee, so don't beat yourself up (said in a mummy bear voice

Kathyx

[ErinG]

I'm doing a little better today, thanks Kathyx.

I have been in a horrible mood all week...very hormonal, on the verge of tears almost all the time, over-stressed and over-tired due to too much going on at work, and I've been staying up late to complete school assignments.  The weather has been very strange, unseasonabley warm, rainy...all together it has made this a very strange week!

I am feeling a little better today, it is unseasonably warm again, but sunny.  I got a little more sleep last night than I have been lately, and I have time today to stay late at work if I need to to get things done.

I just hope it continues to get better and I get a call from Hickory tonight.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed!  And I have an appointment with the nephrologist tomorrow, so I hope that goes well too.

[Katybarstool]

Hi Erin

Wishing you all the very best for your appointment tomorrow - and on hearing from Hickory.

Hugs
Kathyx

[ErinG]

Well, the week didn't get any better after all.

Hickory called tonight and said he had given it a lot of thought and he doesn't have the time for a relationship right now.

I feel broken.  My insides hurt in a way that for once isn't the Sjogren's or my kidneys.

[Bucky]

(((Erin))) . . . . I'm so sorry.  I know you're sad about this right now . . but, I wouldn't write him off yet.  He just seems pretty busy right now and maybe he didn't feel it was fair to you because he's busy and he couldn't give you the time and attention he wanted to.

Give him some time and I'm hoping he'll pick that phone up and call you and say, "Erin, want go grab a bite to eat and catch up?". 

Go ahead and have a cry - it will help. 

There's a lot of guys out there and they are looking for a soul mate too . . . keep looking.  When you least expect it, there he'll be . . it happened to me.

Sending you a BIG hug . . . .
Bucky

[ErinG]

Writing down how I felt helped me stop crying.  I ended up typing a letter, then hand-writing it and I just dropped it in the mail.  I'm not expecting a response of any sort, but I wanted to let him know how I feel and that I don't hold anything against him for it....

Hickory,
I understand what it?s like not having enough time to do everything. 

I?ve spent the last 4 years of my life working hard to become successful and respected at my job.  I have even managed to make the dean?s list 3 out of the 4 semesters that part-time students are eligible for it at CCSU.  In January 2009 when I was diagnosed with kidney disease, as well as an auto-immune disease called Sjogren?s syndrome that seems to have caused my kidney problems, managing my health was piled on to my already full plate.  It was practically a full-time job.  Doctor visits, medications, CAT scans, x-rays, ultrasounds, biopsies, and endless rounds of bloodwork took over my life.  I was put on high doses of steroids and I gained 45 pounds in 9 months.  Most women usually get a baby, usually twins, after 45lbs and 9 months!  It was very scary learning that my body was attacking itself and there was nothing I could do to reverse the damage.  I was very unhappy about a lot of things so I decided I had to make a change, even if it was a small one.

After Christmas I joined the gym, like half of America does every year.  I made myself go every day that I didn?t have class, even though I was physically and emotionally exhausted and I felt like I didn?t have any time or energy for it.  I pretty much gave up watching TV, and I love TV.  I missed the final season of Lost!  Instead of going home after work and climbing into bed at 6:30, I would go to the gym and sweat like a beast for an hour or two.  It has taken me 10 months to lose 25 of the 45lbs I had gained last year.  I started to feel better physically, I had more energy, and I had a better outlook on things.  I even thought I might meet a nice guy at the gym, but I?m too shy to even say hello to anyone.

I joined eHarmony again because I don?t want to be alone forever.  Things with my heath seemed to be stable, work was still busy as heck, but school was winding down.  I hadn?t gone on a date with anyone this time around until I was matched with you.  I had actually planned to cancel my subscription until you emailed, and I waited until I got your phone number.  I hadn?t been on a date in 3 or 4 years, and I was never any good at dating.  The first date was usually the last.  I?ve been in one serious relationship, it lasted 2 years and I knew from the beginning that he never wanted to get married or have a family.  A serious conflict for me, but I stayed in it anyway.  I had one on-again off-again relationship shortly after that and it was a complete disaster.  I know I?m not good at dating, it terrifies me.  You probably guessed that from our first date because I must have been visibly nervous, if not shaking.   

I guess the point I?m trying to make is that at some point you?re going to have to give something up to let someone in, and I think you know that.  I know my ramblings are a little unclear and I apologize.  We all wish there were more hours in the day to get everything done, but sometimes we have to make a sacrifice to create the time.  I know you are passionate about everything you devote your time to, except dishes and laundry.  But in the end something?s got to give, and you?re going to want to do it sooner rather than later so you don?t have any regrets at the end of your life.  I?m sure your family would love to see you find the right girl, especially your grandparents.

I really enjoyed all the time I spent with you and spent talking with you.  I?m selfish and I wish there could have been more of it.  I like you a lot and I?m glad I got to know you.  I?m not going to lie and say I?ll be fine and move on, because I am upset and it?s difficult for me to bounce back. I?m actually surprised I made it until the end of our phone call before I started sobbing.  I don?t see myself actively pursuing dating again for a while.  I?m not trying to make you feel guilty, I just want you to know that this brief friendship we shared meant a lot to me. I won?t forget it. 

I really wish you all the best, Hickory.  You are wonderful, caring, and kind, and I hope sometime in the near future you are able to do what?s necessary to make time for someone special.  Even if it?s not me.  Any girl would be lucky to share her time with you.

Give Dolly a good rub for me.  She?s a great critter and I?m glad I got to meet her, too.

[Bucky]

Erin - what a heartfelt letter you wrote to Hickory.  It will give him something to think about.

Do you have any siblings or girlfriends that can help you get over this shyness?  Shyness can cause a lot of missed opportunities too (been there, done that).  Some times you just have to force yourself to go places and strike up conversations even though your insides and knees are shaking!     The more you do it, the easier it becomes.

Find something fun to do this weekend and try not to focus on this all weekend.

Hugs,
Bucky

[Katybarstool]

Hi Erin

I'm so sorry to hear that Hickory is too busy for a relationship just now. I think your letter might just get him thinking, and hopefully, he will send you a considered reply.

'Til then, don't give up. You have got through much harder things than this. Keep your dignity and love yourself for now. Your day will come, when some lucky guy falls for you hook, line and sinker.

Big hugs.
Kathyx

[ErinG]

It hasn't been easy the past couple of weeks.  I'm trying to keep busy, which isn't hard because I have a ton to do for work, but when I get home I just feel really down and lonely.  I just want to spend all my time in bed.

I made a couple of steps in the direction of moving forward.  The day before Hickory and I started communicating I had signed up for match.com for 6 months, so I updated my profile and I started looking around.  I haven't heard back from any of the people I emailed so far, which is ok I guess because I probably wouldn't be the best company right now anyways. 

I also reactivated my eHarmony account and filled my profile out again.  I had deleted all the details after Hickory ended things because I was so upset, and he would see it if he looked at my profile.  Being a paying member allows you to see who's been viewing your profile....and Hickory looked at mine on Sunday.  This isn't helping me move on!  This made a whole string of questions fly through my head, a bunch of what-if's.  It's given me hope that maybe he'll reach out to me soon, which isn't realistic at all. 

I almost want to call and apologize about sending the letter.  I don't regret sending it, but I'm afraid it made him feel even more guilty about his decision.  I really miss talking to him, it was nice to to hear about his day and to tell him about mine.

At this point I don't know what I'm going to do.  I just had a feeling from the beginning that this was supposed to WORK and for some reason I can't accept that it won't.  I don't want to let go of it, but I don't want to make a fool of myself by hanging on.

I need a life transplant!

[Bucky]

Hi Erin,

I know you are wanting to settle down and find a soul mate.  As you have heard - there are a lot of fish in the sea and plenty of frogs to kiss.

I have a little story to share with you.  Once upon a time, many, many years ago - I was set up on a double date.  I knew from the beginning that this other couple (whom I did not know) was trying to play matchmaker for this guy.  This guy - Dave, was an only child and both his parents were deceased.  Dave was a literal millionaire.        All this other couple did all evening was to keep hinting that Dave was looking for a wife, wanted to have a family, could provide, etc., etc.  I didn't enjoy that "date" at all.  I felt too much pressure.  I can't remember if we had a second date or not, but I was the one who didn't want to continue dating.

Sure, my dream was to some day marry and have a family too - but, I wanted to get to know the guy FIRST, and then progress the friendship if things clicked, etc.  I didn't want it forced down my throat.

I'm not saying you are doing this, but some people - both guys AND girls, only focus on one thing.  I want a life partner and I'm going to find him/her by May 2011.  When they are dating, they kinda smother the other person with this information from the very beginning.  It's good to know from the get go if this is just a casual friendship for dinner, movies, etc. or possibly a soul mate in the making - but, it can be overwhelming too.

Knowing what you want in life is a good thing.  But, being desperate to fulfill that dream can sabotage things.

I have to admit that Dave was a tad bit "strange" - and I doubt anything would have ever evolved from dating him.  But, one never knows.
                                               ~     ~
I think I've told this other story before, but I met my husband on a blind date.  A mutual friend introduced us and we had a long distance friendship.  We wrote letters back and forth first, then he phoned me.  We had been corresponding back and forth for six weeks before I ever met him in person.  I knew from talking to him on the phone, that if nothing else ever developed with our relationship, that I had found a new friend. 

People that Andrew knew were trying to find him a wife (ahhh, friends).  They knew he was a shy, nice guy and would make someone a great catch if only given a chance.  My friend that introduced us said she thought we'd make a great couple.  She was so excited to call me and tell me about Andrew.  Well, we were first introduced to each other back in 1991 and I have to agree . . . we make a great couple!   

Maybe, Hickory is just checking to see if you are moving on - or, maybe, just maybe - you'll still be "available".   You know, you could be "friends" with Hickory and who knows, it might evolve into finding your soul mate.  It can happen.  If you are just looking for some friendship - someone to go out to eat with, catch a movie, talk to on the phone and ask about each others day - you don't have to "date".  Maybe, Hickory wouldn't feel the pressure and you both could enjoy each others company.

Like I mentioned, I knew I would be "friends" with Andrew just from talking to him.  Marrying him was the icing on the cake.  One can't have too many friends.

Maybe, you could call Hickory up and say you enjoyed his company and was wondering if he wanted to go dutch treat out to eat at xxx.  To be "friends" without the pressure of "dating".  Or something along that line - that is, if YOU are interested.  (You know how it is with your girlfriends - you get together every now and then to catch up on what's going on - but, it's not something you do EVERY week, etc.)  There wouldn't be the pressure.

Think about it . . . . . I'm still routing for Hickory.   

Hugs,
Bucky

[Katybarstool]

Erin

Sorry to hear you have been feeling so low and lonely. It's strange how you can be surrounded by people, but still feel lonely, isn't it?

Mrs Bucky is one wise lady. Her plan sounds a good one to me.

Sending you lots of hugs.

Kathyx