Ugh...dating?

[ErinG]

Hi everyone,

I am the world's worst dater.  I have honestly only been on dates with a handful of people, and the whole idea creates so much anxiety for me that I end up really being awkward, uncomfortable, and the dates generally don't go well.  I haven't dated anyone in 3 years, which up until this point has been okay with me...I've been extremely busy with full-time work, school, and figuring out my illnesses. 

Lately I've been feeling better, I have more energy, I've been exercising, and I've been thinking that maybe I should start considering dating again.  I'm at the age where almost all my friends have married and are starting families (I think I literally know at least 30 people who have had babies or are expecting this year!).  I know I would like to get married and have a family, I just don't know how to go about getting to that point.

One of my biggest problems is that I'm shy, I always have been.  I'm not good at speaking up or contributing to a conversation when in a social setting...I'm definitely socially challenged!  This makes it extremely hard to meet new people, even just socialize with friends of friends at a gathering.

I started going to the gym in January, and since then I've noticed this one guy that I see a couple of times each week.  It appears he has a job, which is a bonus nowadays, he usually comes dressed in a shirt, tie, dress pants, overcoat...very nice!  I've strained on occasion to see if he has a wedding ring, but his left hand is never in clear view (I figure if he was married he wouldn't work out for so long...he'd want to spend the evening with his wife!).  He's not a total meathead like most of the younger people I see at the gym, which I find appealing.  And he looks a little like Christian Bale. (yum!)

Enough details, I guess!  In my mind I would love to say hello, smile, approach him, or something like that.  But I always doubt myself and I don't know what to do.  Does anyone have any advice in this situation, or recommendations about dating in general?  I am completely lost!

Thanks for reading my babble...

Erin

[tomsmom]

Have you thought about one of the dating sites?  It might make the introductions easier.  I think there's less of a stigma theses days about online dating services being that people in general are so busy with work and it's hard to meet people when you're so busy.  Getting to know someone's likes and dislikes prior to meeting in person might dispel some of your nervousness.  I often say that if I ever have to go back on the market that's the way to go for me.    
As for gym guy... If you're really interested, try working out near him so he begins to recognize you after a few workouts.  Then start to acknowledge him with a quick hello.  Then work your way up to introductions. 
Oh and I think it's great you're going to the gym.  I am so glad you're feeling better and think it's awesome that you're ready to put yourself out there to meet someone.
Let us know how it goes!

[Scottietottie]

Hi Erin 

Your post made me think way back to when I first met my husband - and I don't think I ever had a date with him. I made friends with him in a social setting, (in my case it was a local pub - not a gym) We were friends for over a yea and then things just went further. I was worried it might ruin a beautiful friendship but 35 years on - I'm still with him.
I asked him to fix my car and things because I knew he was good with cars. He'd do something like that and I'd cook him a meal - but no set dates. I actually met him because I went out with both his brothers first - briefly.

Take care - Scottie 

[beverley]

Crumbs Erin,

Somewhere in my deepest darkest memories I must know about dating, but it was over 40 years ago and I don't think I was very good at it either.

My sons (both in their twenties) tell me they would always want to be friends with someone and then let the friendship develop into romance.  I think that probably is the best route.  How about asking him for some help setting up gym equipment or using something for the first time - that would at least get you on conversational terms and then things might grow from there.

Beverley

[ErinG]

Thanks everyone.  Beverley, I think I might ask him for help because the weights area is definitely intimidating and I tend to avoid it at all costs.

I did see him today but I didn't have the nerve to say hi.  I was actually disappointed because when I arrived I saw him on one of the machines that I usually use first, but by the time I changed my clothes and came back out he was off it.  I ended up taking his machine because it was the only one that was free.  If only I had changed faster I could've bumped into him when he was getting off!

I'm not opposed to online dating, I was actually in a relationship for 2 years with someone I met online and we are still close friends.  It gets to be expensive if you use them for longer than a few months, and I've noticed after leaving it for a while and coming back that it's the same people in my area that are still on the sites.  I think I may go back to it after I graduate in December (if I'm still single) when I'll have more time to go through the matches, read profiles, etc.  Sorting through the matches is practically a full-time job!

[Bernice]

ErinG,
I think the others have offered some good advice! The only thing I would add to this is that you will need to be able to at least respond when he speaks to you even if you do position yourself.

You remind me of my mother, a very beautiful woman that have been single for quite a few years, she like you is very shy,especially when it comes to men and dating. She does not speak of dating as often as she did a few years ago, but I'm sure she would be very open to it if the chance arises. When a handsome available man was in reach I would strike up a conversation hoping devert the man's attention to my mother, but she would always be too shy to engage leaving me to fade out the conversation.

The one thing that I notice with my mother is that many times her shyness can be mistook for rudeness as if she is just simply don't want to be bothered. She was not aware of this until I pointed it out to her, I told her to at least smile and acknowledge the doggone man if she was interested in him, if nothing else do it with the eyes, shoot let your body flirt for you even if you are not the best conversationist your body can speak loudly, just don't overdo it! Don't worry too, too much about making a fool of yourself, sometimes even that can come off as cute to men, don't every man like a woman that is too bold with an overwhelming need to be the one in charge.


Have fun with being single, just don't settle for any ole thang though! Know and believe you deserve the best and remember this, when a man finds a wife, he finds a GOOD THANG! That's the word! Hellll-lo, snap!

[ErinG]

Thanks Bernice,

I know what you mean about shyness coming off as rudeness or snobbishness.  Sometimes I'm really aware of whether or not I'm smiling or saying hello and I try to make an effort, but at other times I just don't care.  I'm working on being more conscious of it.

It's another beautiful day here in the northeast, so far the work day is flying by, and I have the day off tomorrow to look forward to.  My spirits are high so if I see him tonight, I may just make a move!

[Bernice]

YOU GO GIRL!!!!!  ; 

OH! BUT MAKE SURE HE AIN'T MARRIED, REMEMBER EVEN IF YOU DON'T SEE A RING, STILL ASK!!!!

[ErinG]

I know, that's the tricky thing.  Most men take their wedding rings off when they lift weights, so I've tried to catch a glimpse of the finger on his way in before he changes....I definitely need to find out.

[yankeeinthesouth]

UGH!!! When I was single there were several guys that lied to me about being married. When I was least expecting it I met my husband..We will be married for 3 years in May.

Good luck on the dating scene. I never had the courage to ask men out. Just try starting a conversation about how to use one of the machines or how to do an exercise. Men like to be the teacher. Just have the attitude that if nothing else you will end up meeting a friend or work out partner. That will at least open the door to get to know him a little and maybe have him ask you out.

[Pisces24]

Good Luck!   If you have any hobbies or volunteer for any organization, that is a good way to meet people too. Least you know then you share at least one interest.  I've never done the "online" thing or paid a singles meet company so I don't know how those work.

I have to tell you we have a singles column in the paper weekly, You pay to put your "ad" in and replies you get cost per minute but your name etc is kept confidential until you tell a potential date. What makes it funny for me is the guys usually put: camping, hunting, cars, etc.    Gives me an idea of a date would be camping out in the woods freezing my tail off and making me skin the rabbit or gut the fish.  Course maybe that is what they are looking for.

Course theses days it is hard to find one: employed, clean "no drugs etc.", supportive and the stick-to-it-ness that doesn't run for the hills when their significant other gets sick or hurt.  That goes for BOTH sexes btw. FYI: I used to be very shy too. My folks started going to auctions and my dad got me to bid - do that enough and it sure helps the shyness. 

[ErinG]

Lately I've been taking on more responsibility at work and it's forcing me to be more outspoken.  A couple of weeks ago I had to meet with an executive from our bank and I went to my first business lunch.  I was so nervous and of course I was quiet, but hopefully with more events like these happening in my professional life I will be able to be more outgoing in my social life, too.

I still haven't talked to the gym guy, maybe tonight?  Sooo many butterflies in my stomach all the time.

[Bernice]

Girrrrl, is that really you in that picture to the left of your posts You are an attractive young woman, KNOW THIS and go on and find your man! Just know unless you happen upon a sure crazy one, they ain't gonna bite ya! And that you are just as smart and sure of yourself and that you got just as much to offer as he does. Stop looking at them as if they are foreign objects, they are just humans, nothing special, in fact, among the stinkest of the human species. . Shoot if you run upon one of those that thinks too much of himself, he ain't worth YOUR trouble, Shake the dust off your feet and keep stepin'.

I understand being shy, but the only thing about it is takes too much time out of your life. plus it's too lonely and usually gives too much credit to those you encounter.

I wonder if they might have one of those self assertment classes in your area? Just don't go through it and come out telling EVERYBODY off that's ever did ya wrong!

[ErinG]

Bernice,

That is me, but the picture is from a year ago when I was 30lbs lighter!  I am such a chicken and I haven't talked to him yet.  It's been cloudy and rainy here the past few days and I haven't been as optimistic as I was last week when we had gorgeous weather. 

Tomorrow is supposed to be nicer, so maybe....

[Bernice]

Erin,
I know what you mean I've gained weight, but you're still pretty, at least you're doing something about it at the gym, me I haven't gotten to that yet, still waiting on a majic pill or something.
I also know that Spring and warmer weather does something for us in the area of love. Thank God there's men that like a little jelly with their rolls.