Jokes you can tell in church....

[Poochie]

I'm sure a lot of you have seen these before, but they really made my day.  Kids have a certain way about them that just makes me laugh and be happy. I really love the one on the Ten Commandments.  Enjoy!!

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH 

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' 
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'   
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' 
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'   
~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' 
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' 
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married , she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'   
~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'   
~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem ... A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'   
~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.. 
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?' 
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how  Santa Claus  turned out. It's probably just your Dad.' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~   


You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh. I thought you would enjoy this....times are tough right now...for all of us...so we need something to make the day a happy place. "They" haven't found a way to tax you for laughing yet.

[Bernice]

A few I've heard, but ALL of them I enjoyed!

That one about the boys bragging was too funny, got to pass that one on!

Thanks for the laughs!

[harlin]

Too cute, made me laugh!!!
hugs harlin

[Dolly Dimples]

 Thanks Poochie, I neeeded that!
                                    Loved the one about Adams rib
                                                                                     Dolly

[Bernice]

I like this thread, it's relaxing, helps to get mind off stuff.

I thought these were funny, as secretary believe you me it's easy to have some crazy church announcements here's some I found posted online

FUNNY CHURCH BULLETIN MISTAKES

1. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help. 

2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 

7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 

8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. 

9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study. 

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so. 

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. 

14. A bean supper well be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is heck?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 

16. The Reverend Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.  

17. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 

18. During the absence of our pastor we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Scubbs supplied our pulpit. 

19. With a smile on his face, the pastor listened as the church choir sang the traditional hymn, "How Great Thou Art", as the rather large casket of the over 500 pound parishioner was wheeled out of the church. (submitted by Michael J. Lee, Website, Email) 

20. Following this morning's message will be a pubic profession of faith. (submitted by Rick Moore, Website, Email) 

21. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. 

22. Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.  

[Christmas Cracker]

I love the one with the little girl praying not to be late and then not to be shoved.  Brilliant.

Also loved Bernice`s no 4.  For those mothers that don't know it.

Thankyou for the laughs,

Carol

[lynnmarie219]

Thanks for the smiles Pooh and Bernice!