Laughter is the best medicine . . .

[jpd54]

For all you Southerners -

  How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same???

  Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!!!

Those of us that live in Arkansas love that one.

    jpd

[Bernice]

jpd54,

Where I'm from trailers are few and far between, the only ones living in them mostly are military looking for cheaper rentals UNTIL they learn of our weather, TORNADOS!!

The cost of living is getting to be quite high everywhere, but you still can live quite well in both Texas and Tennessee, very few of us live in trailers contrary to what one might see on Jerry Springer Show. They do seem to pull these people from the farest parts of the south.
Shoot I will say I've only met maybe one family like what I've seen on that in my life and they left an impression on me I will never forget
!
My sister in law for example had the same mind set as this about Tenn. UNTIL she came for a visit for a week and did not want to leave and go back to PA. She saw that it was not the hick backwooded place she had always been lead to believe. She actually wanted to buy a home here, even NEXT DOOR!!!! She saw people living very good for a lot less compared to Philly as does a great many that come here, they end up staying.

Don't waste your money coming to Nashville if you truly believe the hype you see on tv! We always know tourist, they are the ones wearing the cowboy hats and boots downtown. Don't get the Grand Ole Opry and other tourist attractions confused with the city or the rest of the state.

The truth is what most  of Texas and most of Tenn. have in common is that you can live better for less and we both have hella lot of tornados.

[jpd54]

Bernice,

I did not intend to reflect badly on Tennessee.  My apologies to you and all who read it.  Usually all the jokes are about Arkansas where I live.  I have a niece going to school at UT and we go to Memphis 3-4 times a month to shop and eat out.    I know what Tennessee is really like.  This site was intended only for humor, not insulting anyone.  I've lived part of my life in a trailer.  I won't be posting any more "humor" if it can't be taken that way.

   Sorry again!!!
   
     jpd

[Bernice]

Look, Tennessee got enough issues without adding to it! It's kind of like a bad child, you KNOW that child ain't what you want it to be, BUT you don't want nobody else calling it bad!

Read past responses you will find me saying similar things, BUT I will defend it! We are PROUD TENNESSEANS ROUND THESE PARTS is all, no big deal! I had to reread what was written cause I had completely forgot already!

I have to fight with my husband ALL the time, he always got "jokes". His sister and brother were surprised we had streets, they thouht we only had dirt roads like the ones they had when they went to SC YEARS ago as children. Well the sister came for a week and really didn't want to leave.

Those commericals don't help any!

Anyway I need some more funny! Bucky where ya at, I know you ain't went dry!

[Bucky]

Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo.  He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic.  Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt."  The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships.  The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the days triumps, and one of them asked the captain:  "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?"  The captain replied:  "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid."  All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching.  The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request.  Captain Bravo calmly shouted:  "Bring me my brown pants!"

[Prairie Gal]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.   

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do for $20.00...  on one condition..."   

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."   

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."

[SassieCat]

I know you all love my stories about my ex.... here's another true but good one.

My children had cradle cap on their heads so I had to get a special shampoo to use on them.  My ex decided to try the new shampoo and started yelling to me what kind of darn shampoo I bought that had to be shaken for 5 minutes before using.  His hand was tired by the time he got to wash his head.

I looked at the directions:

Shake

Shampoo 5 minutes

Rinse

Dummy couldn't read directions well......

[Bucky]

NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS . . . .

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.  The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.  Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.  It was not locked, so they entered and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.  Sally quickly picked it up and not sure what to do with it, they took it home.  There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!  Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers".  She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two RCMP officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.  "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No".

Andy said, "She's lying.  She hit it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile".

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.  One said, "Tell us the story from the beginning".

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . . "

The first RCMP officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"


      

[Prairie Gal]

Funny!   I've gotten this e-mailed to me before but I still laughed again..

Prairie gal

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of  Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, and was in the  checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had  a dog.

What did she think I had, an  elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to  do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I  was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I  probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the  hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds  before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming  out of most of my orifices and IVs in both  arms.

I told her that it was  essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and  simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is nutritionally complete so it works  well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now  enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive  care because the dog food poisoned me.  I told her  no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear and a car hit us both.

I  thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop  there anymore...

Better watch what you ask retired  people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

[Bucky]

You guys crack me up . . . . funny!!

Ok, I'm younger than 60, but thought this was cute.


Perks of reaching 60 and heading towards 70!

1.  Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2.  In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3.  No one expects you to run - - any where.

4.  People call at 9 P.M. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5.  There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

6.  Things you buy now won't wear out.

7.  You can eat supper at 4 P.M.

8.  You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

9.  You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

10.  You sing along with elevator music.

11.  Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.  (well, this applies to all us Sjoggies!)

12.  Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

13.  Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

14.  You can't remember who posted this list.   

[Cricket]

When my youngest daughter was in third grade she had the meanest teacher in the school (even parents did not want to mess with her).  One day the teacher caught me after school and said that my daughter has not been doing any of her work, even when the teacher tells her she has to.  She would not take a test or anything.  So when we got home I asked her about it, and she told me she was tired of school and decided to take a week of vacation!

Cricket

P.S. by the way this was a great idea for this thread.

[Bucky]

Happy FRIDAY everyone!!   

Taken from my files:

EVER WONDER . . . . .

*  Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

*  Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

*  Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

*  Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

*  Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

*  Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?

*  Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?   (I've always wondered this myself!!  )

*  Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

*  Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

*  Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

*  If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[olmphoto2]

This is our story of DD Sarah and my FIL Don: My MIL, Fran overhead this. It was fall and time to clean out some eve troughs. Don decided to try to blast some matted leaves out with the hose. Didn't work. Cold spray shot over Sarah and her Grandpa and didn't even dislodge the offending clump. Sarah was 3 or 4 at the time. She said, "shoot, Grandpa, that didn't work worth a darn!" Fran could hardly contain herself with shock and laughter! To me, the funniest thing was later. Don said he had to have a talk with his son, my DH Mike. As he walked DH down the sidewalk, Don said to Mike that Mike needed to stop using that kind of language in front of Sarah. BUT, what Don (bless his heart!) didn't know was that Mike stopped swearing immediately after Sarah was born and the only place she could have heard the language was from Don himself!!

And now DH and I get a lot of use out of that little phrase of Sarah's, especially when a remedy we are attempting makes things worse. We look up at each other, laugh, and say "shoot, Grandpa, that didn't work worth a darn!" Ha-ha, good way to laugh a ourselves!
:-)

[olmphoto2]

This is funny too!  When I just posted this, the site automatically changed a certain s blank blank h word to shoot!

This is our story of DD Sarah and my FIL Don: My MIL, Fran overhead this. It was fall and time to clean out some eve troughs. Don decided to try to blast some matted leaves out with the hose. Didn't work. Cold spray shot over Sarah and her Grandpa and didn't even dislodge the offending clump. Sarah was 3 or 4 at the time. She said, "shoot, Grandpa, that didn't work worth a darn!" Fran could hardly contain herself with shock and laughter! To me, the funniest thing was later. Don said he had to have a talk with his son, my DH Mike. As he walked DH down the sidewalk, Don said to Mike that Mike needed to stop using that kind of language in front of Sarah. BUT, what Don (bless his heart!) didn't know was that Mike stopped swearing immediately after Sarah was born and the only place she could have heard the language was from Don himself!!

And now DH and I get a lot of use out of that little phrase of Sarah's, especially when a remedy we are attempting makes things worse. We look up at each other, laugh, and say "shoot, Grandpa, that didn't work worth a darn!" Ha-ha, good way to laugh a ourselves!
:-)

[olmphoto2]

Brain Fog!  That's s h blank t! 

This is funny too!  When I just posted this, the site automatically changed a certain s blank blank h word to shoot!

This is our story of DD Sarah and my FIL Don: My MIL, Fran overhead this. It was fall and time to clean out some eve troughs. Don decided to try to blast some matted leaves out with the hose. Didn't work. Cold spray shot over Sarah and her Grandpa and didn't even dislodge the offending clump. Sarah was 3 or 4 at the time. She said, "shoot, Grandpa, that didn't work worth a darn!" Fran could hardly contain herself with shock and laughter! To me, the funniest thing was later. Don said he had to have a talk with his son, my DH Mike. As he walked DH down the sidewalk, Don said to Mike that Mike needed to stop using that kind of language in front of Sarah. BUT, what Don (bless his heart!) didn't know was that Mike stopped swearing immediately after Sarah was born and the only place she could have heard the language was from Don himself!!

And now DH and I get a lot of use out of that little phrase of Sarah's, especially when a remedy we are attempting makes things worse. We look up at each other, laugh, and say "shoot, Grandpa, that didn't work worth a darn!" Ha-ha, good way to laugh a ourselves!
:-)