Laughter is the best medicine . . .

[Bucky]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.  I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I

can't figure out how to get started."  Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.  She lets him in and shows him where

she has the puzzle spread all over the table.  He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the

box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to

assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."  He takes her hand and says, "Second, I

want you to relax.  Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then,"  he said with a deep sigh . . . . . . . .

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."


Taken from my files . . author unknown . . . . . . 

Bucky

[Bernice]

This one is dedicated to Epson and the rest of the men!

http://www.casttv.com/video/qmitcv1/the-husband-song-video[/b]]http://www.casttv.com/video/qmitcv1/the-husband-song-video

[Prairie Gal]

This is not hilariously funny, but it's oh, so true...

Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for dinner the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container and put spoons and bowls on the table.

She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button.

She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.

She watered the plants, emptied a rubbish bin and hung up a towel to dry.   She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.

She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for an excursion, and pulled a text  book out from under a chair.

She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store.

She put both near her purse.Mum then washed her face with 3-in-1 cleanser, put on her night solution & age-fighting moisturiser, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.

Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said.

She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked.

She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TVs, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the basket, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework

In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack.

She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualised the accomplishment of her goals.

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. "I'm going to bed."
And he did...without another thought.

Anything extraordinary here?

Wonder why women live longer...?

CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL..and we can't die sooner, we still have things to do!!

Prairie gal

[Bernice]

Sorry Epson, that was the wrong link, here goes! He! He!
I'm in my teasing mode!

http://www.casttv.com/video/qmitcv1/the-husband-song-video

[Bernice]

Prarie,
I know that's right, but shoot do you rent Mum out, I could sure use her at my house cause I don't have half her energy, these days I'm about like Dad around here! She made me tired!

No seriously I liked that one, think I will pass that one on!

[SassieCat]

HOLY  EMAIL

One  day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that  was going on.  So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth  for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on  Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. 

God  thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to  get another opinion.' 

So  God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When  the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in  decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not  pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to  encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep  going.. 

Do  you know what the e-mail said?
                 
Okay, I was just  wondering, because I didn't get one either

[SassieCat]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!   What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

[Katybarstool]

A colleague sent me this today. I just have to share it with you!


The Winter Boots

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her reception class pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
 
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'
 
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'


She will be eligible for parole in three years. 

Kathyx

[Bernice]

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents '

When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'


The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

[Katybarstool]

Bernice - that made me laugh

[Bucky]

Kathyx - I've tried fitting too small boots/shoes on my son . . . I can relate!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ever Wonder?

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you become informed!

(A)  Almost Boobs
(B)  Barely there
(C)  Can't complain!
(D)  Dang!
(DD)  Double Dang!
(E)  Enormous!
(F)  Fake
(G)  Get a Reduction
(H)  Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!




Bucky   

[Katybarstool]

Bucky

I remember when my boys were tiny. One took a size 6 and one a size 9 in shoes. Mum called to take the older one out, while the little one stayed at home with me. When she came back, she asked why he had limped all the way round. Yes, he had on one of his own, and one of his brother's shoes. That taught me not to buy them identical shoes in future.

On a dafter note. I was presenting a training session at work a couple of years ago, and realized part way through that I was wearing different coloured shoes -not only was the colour different, but the heel height too. Luckily I knew the people in the session, and we had a laugh. (God made me blonde to make other people look intelligent!)

Kathyx

[Bucky]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'.  Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt!'
His wife was not amused and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
He hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker,
'It's not talcum powder, it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!'

[Bernice]

Insane!!
But I bet he kept his mouth S H U T after that!!!!!!!!

My kind of gal!!

[Bucky]

Melanie (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was.  Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more.  Melanie said, "If you don't remember, you must look in the back of your panties.  Mine say five to six."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sermon I think this Mom will never forget . . . . This particular Sunday sermon . . . "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.  "Without you, we are but dust."  He would have continued, but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"


Bucky   
(at least I found these when I was looking for my wayward artificial fruit!!    . . . some of you will know what I mean.   )