Argh!

[ktfabian]

It's me again, here to vent.

The last week I've seen my symptoms of both my back injury and my sjogren's start heading south, and I know that stress is probably a big factor, but there's not much I can do about the stress.

My pain level continues to climb with muscle spasms all along my rib cage and down the center of my spine.  The shooting pain from midback to hip to ankle is back on both sides and I've set up an appointment with my pain doctor next week.  I've already been told I need another back surgery to fix the herniated disk at the top of my fusion.  I found that the tow most highly regarded neurosurgeons in the area are doing minimally invasive herniated disk repair and I'm hoping my pain doctor can get me in for an evaluation there.  It was one of their colleagues who said I need the surgery, so hopefully that will help.

I'm also having my knee scoped on the 18th.  Normally, I wouldn't think this would be a big deal, but I'm still in a flare from surgery to move my morphine pump back in Oct.  I don't think my body can handle another blow.

Adding to all of this is the fact that my husband has been laid off for almost 3 weeks now and is driving me nuts.  Every time I try to do something, he wants me to step in and help with something he's doing.  That's minor, I know.  But I haven't been sleeping, even with Ambien CR.  And my son has been having a hard time in Iraq because the jobs they trained for were already filled when they got there, so now he's working with a different set of soldiers he's not familiar with, and I can tell he's stressed out by it all.

The only good news...my oldest son had pleurisy before Christmas.  The scans they did at the ER showed nodules on his lungs and he's been going through testing.  We just got the word on Monday that they're totally benign and nothing to worry about.

I need to find some way to take a break from myself and sleep for more than 3 hours at a time.  Does anyone have any ideas? I'm losing it, as always.
Tracy

[Joe S.]

I meditate.

[irish]

Tracy, I can imagine that you are really sick and tired of the back pain and all that you have been through with your back. Also, having a hubby home can be difficult and I know the feeling of always having to help hold this or that, etc. I have learned to just deep breathe my way through it as a way to keep myself from getting upset over the inconvenience of the whole thing. Also, my hubby would often be fixing things, so I figured I had better keep my mouth shut or the fixing might stop.

As far as your son goes Tracy, I am going to give you something to think about. You can worry and lose sleep about this change in his duties, but it won't change a darn thing. Just remember that he will endure and he will learn a lot about himself and his ability to handle stress---he has to learn this in order to survive and get along with people. I would be willing to bet that he will get the hang of it and if he doesn't I'm sure there are people there that he can talk to.

It is hard to let our kids go. I went through a year of intense stress at one point and our family was living away from our 2 older boys who were living in our house. We were 600 miles away and I thought they couldn't get along without me. I did  a lot of praying that year and learned alot about myself. When we moved back home I told them I would no longer be doing their laundry or changing sheets for them and if they wanted to eat they could be here for meals otherwise it was up to them to find something to eat. Also, informed them that there was going to be a small token monthly rent from them. I learned that they had to grow up more to become men and I had to let go or it would drive me to an early grave. They grew up and got married and I am still kicking. They were both working and going to school while still living at home and weren't teenagers anymore.

I know his being in Iraq makes it much harder for you, but there comes a time when our kids have to dig in their heels and adjust and it is just as hard on the parents(mostly the mother) as it is on them sometimes.  Just try and relax cause I just bet that he picks up on your being worried and upset. Also, you know that the added stress doesn't help your physical condition.

I am going through a flare again since my little surgery several weeks ago and the 3 hour sleep is about what I manage. I end up sleeping in the recliner every night. My "comfort measure" is my rice pack that I heat in the microwave. I place it wherever I am hurting or just in my lap and it does help me relax and get to sleep. These rotten nights make for horrible mornings that is for sure. I wish I knew the cure but it just sort of wanes and ebbs. I need to get out to the library as I have been home now for 2 weeks. Will get out tomorrow to go to the doctor. Yippe!!! Take care girl and hang in there. Hugs. Irish

[ktfabian]

Thanks Irish!

I have been having that conversation with myself over and over, it just hasn't managed to get all the way through my thick skull yet.  I know there's not a thing I can do about the stress Alex is going through in Iraq, just as I couldn't do anything about the stress Joey has gone through learning to live on his own - though I've been a bit closer when he needed a shoulder to lean on or a couple of bucks to tide him over. And I've promised myself that I will not get upset when Alex manages to call from Iraq and is upset - I did that this past weekend - had to get off the phone for a few minutes to get the tears under control, and I know that does him no good. So I appreciate what you've said - hopefully hearing it from someone else other than myself (who I tend not to listen to!) it will get in there and stick!

I, too, have been sleeping in the recliner.  It's been the only place I can get reasonably comfortable to sleep.  Watch that rice pack, though.  After a long trip to see my Mom last year, I used my rice pack a bit too much and ended up with 3rd degree burns on my bum.  I was able to use my regular heating pad in bed for awhile tonight and now have lidoderm patches on for a bit of relief.

You're also right that my hubby is getting some work done around the house.  Right now, my living room is half painted.  I'm just having to teach him that he has to finish one project and clean it up (that's a biggie, cleaning up) before he moves on to the next one. 

I hope your flare is very short lived. I plan to call my rheumy tomorrow to see what, if anything, I can do to minimize the affect of the arthroscopy on my Sjogren's.  It's time to get this flare turned around.

Take care and thanks again for your very wise words,
Tracy

[eyeamdry]

You're also right that my hubby is getting some work done around the house.  Right now, my living room is half painted.  I'm just having to teach him that he has to finish one project and clean it up (that's a biggie, cleaning up) before he moves on to the next one. 

Sometimes we have to watch what we ask for lest we get it.     My hubby is newly retired about a year ago and I'm still "getting used" to him being around especially this winter when it's been too cold to do anything outdoors.  He does get things done....eventually. Sometimes he starts one thing before the other is done, too.  I do not see this in my friend's husbands as often.  So, through the winter, I'm going to grin and bare it.  Or is it bear?  Lucy

[Pooh]

Girls I have found the best way to get my hubby to finish something is for me to start finishing it.  It's amazing how fast he's right there beside me and before you know it, it's done and he's cleaned up.  There isn't a man alive that wants a woman to show him up.

Tracy I'm sorry Alex is having such a hard time in Iraq, but Mom you can't go over there and do it for him.  Encourage him to learn the new job and then he'll qualify for two jobs instead of one.  The next time something comes up, he'll have an edge. 

I bet in a couple weeks, he'll have made friends with these men and you won't hear a word about that job again. 

Take care Tracy and I hope your back and knee feel better soon.  That constant pain can't be doing your stress level any good either. 

Hugs, Pooh

[ktfabian]

Thanks, Pooh.

I've written Alex a couple of emails and sent a long letter telling him pretty much what you've said.  They will figure out something for him to do over there - otherwise, they'd have to send him home and I highly doubt that will happen.  I belong to a group called Soldier's Angels which, among other things, matches soldiers who don't receive mail to "angels" who adopt them for the length of their deployment and writes letters and sends packages to them.  (My soldier in Afghanistan is going home next month after almost 2 years!) Several of the members there have offered to write to Alex also and give him some encouragement.

I just received two boxes from him that were sent while he was in Kuwait.  I collect tea pots and he sent a beautiful small alabaster tea pot and 6 carved alabaster tea glasses.  He also sent a Buddha for his brother.  My oldest son likes some of Buddha's teachings and has given me several small Buddha statues that are supposed to bring good health.  I know they're here somewhere in this mess that we've made while painting.  My husband has been called back to work for the next rotation in 5 days, so he's promised that there will be order restored by then!

JOE- how or where did you learn to meditate?  Is it something you can learn by yourself without a teacher?  I honestly don't know of anyplace around here that teaches meditation but I've often thought it could be helpful.  My pain doctor is recommending hypnosis to help me learn how not to let the stress affect my body as much.  My insurance doesn't cover it, so that will have to wait a while.

My sister and I went out to dinner tonight which was a nice change of pace, and my husband is out at a church meeting so I have some time to myself so I'm trying to just relax.

Thanks again everyone, Tracy