someone talk me off this ledge!

[lolo1979]

I am very very very down right now and really need someone to talk me off this mental ledge I'm on. here's the story:

Since November 2010, the following things have happened in my life:
1. We moved into what we thought was our dream house. 2 weeks after moving in, our sewer backed up in the finished basement. 2 weeks after that, we discovered the west foundation wall had several cracks still leaking (they had disclosed the cracks but said they had been repaired and no problems since. The fact was, they were repaired  but were still leaking behind the finished drywall). 2 months after that, we discovered the SW corner of our foundation had settled 1". We figured this was possibly due to the sewer problem which we had already had repaired.  Did I mention I was pregnant throughout all this and not feeling very well, mind you!
2. May/June - My husband got laid off from his job two days before our son was born.
3. July - I was diagnosed with Sjogrens as a result of a massive flare which still has not subsided.
4. August / now - we just found out that our foundation sank another inch since may. How that is even possible in a 20 yr old house is beyond me. We now have to hire a structural engineer to assess our situation and figure out the solution - which is obviously going to be thousands of dollars.  Found this out yesterday, the same day I had to go back to work after maternity leave. As if that didn't suck bad enough.
5. So...I am the primary breadwinner in our family. I am not feeling well physically. I am trying to do things to get better physically but it is almost impossible with the amount of stress I am under and no one to take the burden off me.I was hoping once my husband got a job again that I could quit my job and/or find something part time to reduce my stress and be with my kids more. Now we are looking at thousands of dollars in repairs and I feel like that will never happen.

Just feel like I cannot handle this anymore, AT ALL. At this point, the only thing keeping me going are my two children.  Please, someone, say something, ANYTHING, to make me feel better (just a note, I appreciate prayers but saying you'll keep me in your prayers probably will not ease my mind....I need something more than prayers right now I think!!!!!!!).

[shevonne]

Wow!  Things are coming at you from all angles.  Even though you don't want to hear this, I will pray for you!  You can never have too much praying!  Also, when things like this happen it may seem like its the end of the tunnel but this too shall pass.  You probably dont want to hear that either, sorry!  But I see a strong person making a way for her family and you will continue to do so for them.  Hopefully, things will change for the better soon but believe that it will change.  Its hard to stay positive with this illness and all the other things thrown at us.  However, keeping a positive attitude will make you even stronger and you will be amazed at how it will also keep others strong as well!  Hang in there!

[Joe S.]

First off, I do not know if my remarks will help you feel better or not. The corner that is sagging may need to be mud jacked and it may be an issue with the soil substructure. If that is the area that your sewer travels through you may need to have that dug up. Drain tile around the outside of your house may be a very good solution. We did this with the house that my daughter purchased in Moorhead a number of years ago. This allowed us to fix all of the cracks in her foundation and provide some extreme water proofing and to insulate the exterior at the same time. The sump pump ran occasionally. She did not have any water problems after over 5 years and flood emergencies.

A friend an I did most of the work ourselves. My wife Jan, even operated a Jack hammer when we removed the concrete steps that were pushing in on the basement wall. I think by doing it ourselves with rental equipment we spent about $3500.

Because of auto Immune diseases, I spent most of my time home with the kids. What is being kept from the public is that we are experiencing another great depression. There are people that have jobs and there are jobs available if you are willing to take them. You can read up on the Great Depression to learn what you can do to make it through.

Some states allow you to take the previous owners to court or realtors to court. This would be a long extended process.

[irish]

lolo, Man alive, you have been through the wringer and are still being wrung out. There is absolutely nothing to compare to having problems with a house. It stinks, big time. You feel like you are being eaten alive by the scenes that you play over in your head.

First of all, I can't imagine having a house sink that is 20 years old, but this has not been a normal year in any way, shape or form. I hope that they can find the cause for this and get it fixed. If it turns out that there is something that is not fixable, or at least financially feasible, that you can walk away from this mess. The stress is killing you.

I hope that I am not being too depressing, but I am just validating what you have told me. Telling you to relax is not going to take any of this away. However, prayer, in my mind at least, may be the one thing that can help you maintain your calm in the midst of this storm.

Remember that you need to take care of yourself first at this time. If you are going to deal with any of this you need to eat right and get your rest. The main thing is to concentrate on your family and your job in order to keep your life priorities in order.

The bottom line is this. A house is just a house. It is not a family or a life. It is important for you to realize that this house should not control your emotions or your soul. It is made of lumber, cement, etc. and does not determine who you are. If you have to file bankruptcy and move on, so be it. Remember the people who lived through the depression. Many of them had nothing, nothing, and they managed to move on with their life.

There is no choice when trouble invades our lives. We hunker down, hang on for dear life and continue to perservere. Your autoimmune disease really throws a clunker in there for sure but you are alive and have your little family. If you are not taking an antidepressant I think this would be the time to see the doc.

You have been through an enormous amount of stress in this past year----plus----you had a baby. Having a baby is an enormous stress on a woman's body and especially if the mom has autoimmune disease.

You need to get some peace from your emotions that are eating you alive and beyond control at this point. Just to sleep better and feel less depressed will give you the energy and ability to cope and move on through this ordeal.

Also, remember that this is also a time that is hard on a marriage. New baby, new house with lots of problems, loss of spouses job and autoimmune disease all add up to much stress. Sometimes it helps to just talk about the things that are necessary and each of you have certain jobs to do that will keep the household running. The organization of 2 people running a household can be a great help in times of stress.

Do what has to be done and don't bite off anything extra. Go for walks or minipicnics with your husband and kids and just try to get away from it all for a few hours each week. Just a little rambling from a 68 year old grandma. My prayers will be with your for peace and health. Irish

[really?]

Agree with what Joe said,,, also have you talked to the realtor and see if there was something that wsent disclosed,, but they would lie anyway,,
  In our part of Pa,, we have miles and miles of old coal mines, some that arent even on the map, but, its not unusal here to see a house literally sink into the mineshaft almost overnight, well not into the mineshaft itself,, but what happens is teh dirt above the shaft sinks into the shaft and anything above it falls down with it,, since the advent of longwall mining,, where they leave nothing behind,, houses crumble to teh ground, at least in the old days,, they used to leave pillars of coal to support teh roof,,
  any old mines around you?, ground water in that area,, do you have a french drain?, ground constantly wet in that area?,

[Sooki]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this at once.  It seems that the unexpected things never space themselves out, but seem to jumble in on top of themselves.  When our baby was born, we decided to move to bare land in the country, live in a trailer, build our own house, I would do the long commute to work, and there was never enough money to pay the bills.  They were really difficult worrisome times.  But it's funny, my daughter remembers them as really good times.  She loved her little cubby in the trailer.  My husband was home all the time. There was always stuff going on.  In awhile she got to go to daycare and loved it.  Funny how memories and perceptions work.

I don't mean to sound callous when I say this, but be sure to take photographs of the good and the bad things that are happening.  They're the stories that make up part of our lives.  There will be better times in the future when you'll look back on this and marvel that you ever got through it.

One suggestion that came to mind was to take 10 mins during the day (break? lunch?) and put your head down and rest instead of the zillion other things you might be doing.  It may help some with the fatigue, but it also sends your poor ol beleaguered bod a message that you're listening.  Also, maybe when you get home, find a time to lie down with your baby and maybe have your other kid do something quiet nearby (or also snuggle with you guys?).  It could set a pattern of closeness and also consideration for you, and low-stress interactions with them.  Try not to be writing lists in your head when you do this

Have you found a good rheumatologist?  A good one can help a lot with the Sjogren's symptoms - search the forum here for specifics that are wrong - there are things you can do to ease them.

And please keep in touch here.  Take care!

[Sooki]

One quick thing - be sure to get your thyroid checked.  Pregnancy can send your thyroid into a tailspin if you have autoimmune issues!

[Skylar]

You certainly have a lot on your plate - I'm sorry you're going through this and wish I could wave my magic wand and make it all go away.

I agree with Sooki, there were be some things in your life of beauty and joy (your children for example) - take time to celebrate those small joys and appreciate the beauty. Don't let yourself get so dragged down that you miss the good and focus on the bad because it will be overwhelming.

Many people have gone through tough times at some point in their life where things seemed to be too heavy a load to carry - but you get through it and when you look back you can be proud you survived. (((HUGS))) It's unfortunate that you have to deal with health issues ontop of all that.

[H2Ocolor]

Deal with only what is important, in very small pieces, and one day at a time.  Look at the beauty around you.  Hug and kiss the kids and husband.  Think happy (it rewires the brain).  Dump all your problems on this site and leave them behind.  I have been in that dark place and it does get better.  Good thoughts from my heart,  H2Ocolor

[Pisces24]

Sorry to hear of all the problems your are going through.

1) If (and I hope you did) have a home inspection, I'd check the report as you might be able to go after them for missing this.

2) Definitely I would talk to the relator.  I seems awful odd that this happened to you and never happened to the previous owners.

3) If the cracks were "repaired" I'd find out who did the repair and get all the info. AND ask the history of any work that the company did on the house (see if it was an ongoing problem that got band-aided but never really fixed). 

If there is not history (this sounds sneaky I know) I'd call some companies in the area that do that kind of work. I'd say that the (smiths or whoever the former owners were) recommended them "You Think". We can't get ahold of the former owners & in process of moving lost the name of the company and are soooo upset cause the company was soooo highly recommended!  Then try to find out (proof from the mouth of a company rep you are talking to)  if the previous owners had them do work on the property and when.  (( If not try another company. ))  Then you know where to go to get a RECORD of any history of problems they had but didn't disclose. Course you could just come out and ask the company but I doubt they would tell you.

I am hoping you are able to get some info from all this, hire an good attorney and sue the previous owners for All the repairs with emotional and punitive damages. Good Luck!

When ever I got laid off, I worked temp - it ain't a lot but it is money coming in and it keeps the "face" out in the workforce. Good Luck on that too.

[irish]

Something else that I thought of that might be some help. I know it helped save my neck when I was raising kids, working and dealing with illness.

I bought myself an egg timer and used it for some quick naps. There will be times when you have 15-20 minutes that you could lie down and rest. With an egg timer set and close by so that you hear it go off you can get some needed rest.

You may laugh at this, but it is unbelieveable how much a wee nap will help. When you know that the timer is going to go off and wake you up you are free to relax and get some needed mini naps. Best investment I ever made. I still use one. Irish

[jstroble]

I am  so sorry you have so much to deal with.  When things get really bad  for me as they are right now,  I take it one day or  one hour and sometimes just 15 minutes at a time  and try not to think beyond it.  Just tell yourself,  "I can get through 1 hour and  concentrate on that. 

You are not alone.   I will be thinking of you and hoping you can cope with all your problems.

Hugs

Joyce

[amberjolie1]

I can totally understand how you can be feeling overwhelmed, and can sympathize with some of what you've been experiencing.

I also am the breadwinner of the family.  My husband also has an AI disease, and is on disability.  I couldn't possibly ever not work, or else we'd have very little money, and no benefits.  Some days I have wondered how I can do it. 

I've also had to go back to work after maternity leaves on three occasions.  It's always so hard at first to leave the little one at home (and some of that emotion might be making things difficult - by the dates you've given, your body is probably still dealing with the hormones trying to get back to normal), but it does get easier. 

I also had to deal with losing my job for 9 months (again, as the only breadwinner), but have started working again a month ago.

Essentially, all you can do is take it one day at a time and try not to think about what COULD happen, or how you'll get by.  Some of the suggestions made are good, like the quick naps, and getting your thyroid checked out.  Don't try to be supermom and do everything once you get home.  See if you can explain to your husband that anything he can do around the house while you are at work would really help take the burden off you (i.e. making dinner, cleaning, etc), and don't feel guilty if certain things don't get done.  My bathrooms get pretty grungy at times, but I get to them when I can get to them...