It's heartbreaking . . . what do you say?

[Bucky]

There is a lady at our church who has been battling bladder cancer for ? (I don't even remember how long - over a year).  She's had chemo treatments, had several surgeries, has had many, many doctor visits.

There have been so many ups and downs on her journey.

She went to a new doctor last week and he gave her the grim news that her cancer has spread to many other places in her body.     He gives her six months to live.

It is so heartbreaking to hear this news.  Nancy is such a sweet lady.  She has volunteered hundreds and hundreds of hours to a school that none of her children/grandchildren attended.

She helps with the Veterans.  Her husband, Bob, is a Korean War Veteran.  Together, they have volunteered many, many hours to support our Veterans.

What do you say to a person who has been given this grim news?  She knows our congregation has been praying for her through this whole ordeal.

She doesn't have an appetite from the medicine she is taking.  So, we can't take food to them.  She's in pain from the cancer and sleeps quite a bit from the meds.

I feel so helpless.   Other than sending her cards letting her know we are thinking of her - I don't know what to do.  Because she sleeps a lot, one never knows when to call.  I know from my own sisters experience with cancer - many times, she just didn't feel like talking on the phone.

I've mentioned to Nancy's SIL, that if they go over to visit with her, that I would like to go along too.  What do you talk about?  The weather, current events, stuff that is just "talk" to someone who is dying?  I don't know.  A person can only cry so long.

I'm open to any suggestions anyone has.

A sad Bucky 

[Katybarstool]

Bucky

What a horrible situation to be in,especially for someone so kind and generous. Do you know her well enough to be absolutely honest and tell her that you don't know what to say? You can't ignore what's going on with her and, as we all know too well, just trotting out standard phrases doesn't help. Some physical contact might do you both good, if you know her well enough for that.

Wish I knew what to say to you. Will pray for your lovely friend.

Kathyx

[Scottietottie]

Hi Bucky 

I'd ask her if she could do with some company and whether there's anything you can do for her. She may even want to talk about dying. Usually people get past the point of fear and illness and pain just make them ready to 'leave'.

How are her family coping? Do they need extra support?  I'm sorry your friend is so ill. It's news that no one wants to get.

Thoughts with you and your friend.

Scottie

[Carolina]

Hmmmm, offer to give her family a break if they need some one to shop, or sit with her while doing errands.

I sent my friend a nice muumuu from the Vermont Store, and she can wear that around the house to feel more 'dressed' but comfortable.

Take a casserole or something for the family?

Mostly let everyone know that you care, and focus on TODAY.   

My friend had a ton of flowers, so I didn't send flowers.

It's very hard.

Since there's church involved you can say you are praying and that she's in your prayers.

That doesn't  mean you expect a miracle recovery, just that you are thinking of her and praying for her peace of mind.

Books, magazines???   I don't know

It's hard to know what to do.

Leave it in God's hands.

Keep us posted.

Kisses

Elaine

[Patze]

Hi Bucky,

Carolina beat me to the punch!  Seriously though, a regular break for her family would do worlds for them too so they can get out and about for a while.  The care taker role has got to be one of the hardest out there, and I sure do feel for this family and what they are going to be faced with down the pike.

You've mentioned that her and hubby have done a lot for the veterens, and I wonder if they know what her and her hubby are going through?  Maybe the vet groups have a program to assist your friends in their time of need?

Hugs to you and I'll keep them in my thoughts and prayers as well.

Take care of yourself -

Patze

[Cheryl]

Bucky,
I think all of the above suggestions are good.  I wonder if this lady has any idea of the impact she has made on your life and others'.   Maybe you'll have the opportunity to tell her about it and thank her. 
Cheryl

[Bopeep]

Hi Bucky
dont really know what I can add to all the good advice you've already got, but if your able to go see her then check up what would be the best time.

Simply tell her its awful news and that should she ever need you day or night for anything then youd be there.

I would aso offer to read to her. And dont forget to tell her how your day went, anything that happened that was a bit funny.

Dont feel awkward, talk about normal things.

Take care, sending white light to you and your friend

[lynnmarie219]

Oh Bucky.

Such a heartbreaking and sad situation for everyone...but I agree that if you offer to help out with whatever she needs...just knowing that you are available for her and the family is a good thing.

Also letting her know that whatever she wants or needs to talk about is ok to do with you....that may mean talking about end of life plans or things she may want her husband to do after she is gone...or it may just be day to day things to keep her mind busy.

Do she like to do do puzzles? Watch tv? Sit outside on the porch in this the nice fall weather? Sometimes just some company to do the little things are helpful too.

Keeping your friend and her family and you all in my thoughts!

[Sissy]

So sorry to hear about your friend. It's hard to say good-bye. Maybe you or you and some other friends of hers can fill a basket. Put things such as lotion, a small photo alblum with pictures she would hold dear, hard candy (if allowed), jell-o and pudding cups, magazine, you get the picture. Wrap each one and place in a basket. Tell her each day she's to open one of the gifts. It's light hearted and fun. Days seem to run together when someone is this sick. A pair of soft footsie socks, even a coupon for a message if your willing to give one. A foot rub is usually right up their with a back rub. She may feel funny about asking for such a personal thing. With a "coupon" it would allow her the option without her feeling awkward. Their are so many little things to fill a basket with. If you have a dollar store, you can get windchimes, note books, back scratchers.....all sorts of stuff. You'll have fun with it to, it gives you a chance to feel that you've done something to make her feel better emotionally. If she's on a pump for her medications, you could have someone make a cute cover for it. Hope this helps in some way. Sissy

[Bopeep]

sissy Iv heard other people do the basket thing and it really does go over well, and is a little triviality, a wheel chair and a walk if shes up to it.

my brother-in-law had been given 6 months to live with cancer as well. Him and his wife lived on a couple of acres and had a couple of cows. Whenever he got the chance he was in the paddocks drips, pumps and all. We used to watch him leaping (or teying to) over fences ans stuff.

The one thing I learnt with Wayne (The B-I-L ) if they want to do something no matter how inane you may think it is, let them do it. They may not be able to tomorrow

[namakb]

If you do go to visit sometimes just being there is all you can do. Maybe just saying a prayer with her.

[Bucky]

Thanks everyone for your suggestions.

I've had a card sitting here for days.  I sat at the computer and wrote her a letter and need to sit down and write it out and place it in this card and mail it.  I've got to get this done today.  I should have mailed it before now.

I guess, to be honest, a part of me is dreading this.  Within the next three and four weeks is full of anniversaries of my family members who have passed away from cancer.  My sister - 9 yrs., my nephew - 6 yrs., my cousin - 3 yrs.  (all three of them within the same nine day time frame) 

When I think of all that my friend, Nancy, is going through now and will go through, it just brings back all the events of my sister and nephew as I was part of their hospice team in their last few days. 

I have talked with Nancy's sister-in-law and asked if I could go with them the next time they visit with Nancy.  So, I imagine it will be some time soon.

I'm working on getting some things together to take to Nancy - a magazine, word find book, probably some cut flowers or a potted mum.  I know what Nancy would appreciate the most, is just having me there.

So, if you're the praying type, if you could remember my friend, Nancy.  She's 73 yrs. old and just the sweetest person.  Pray for her comfort in the days ahead and for her husband, Bob, and their two grown children. 

Thanks
Bucky

[Cheryl]

Have a good visit with your friend, Bucky.   I think you will feel better afterward.   Nancy is on my prayer list.
Cheryl

[Katybarstool]

Bucky

I'm glad you're making plans to visit Nancy. She is lucky to have such a kind, caring friend.

Hugs
Kathyx