newbie from houston

[Poochie]

Hi Proverbs,
Welcome!  I'm afraid I feel for you in more ways than one.  I had a insenitive MIL for years.  I'm very much afraid when she said "your face is big", I would have had to reply "I know, but your mouth is bigger",or " I know, it's the Sjogren's, what's your excuse for your mouth?"

I put up with snide remarks from my MIL for years to keep the peace, but then I fought back.  And you know what, my husband stood behind me.  He was like yours in the beginning, but even he saw what his mother was like.

Take care dear and keep a confident air about yourself in her presence.

Hugs, Pooh 

[Chickpea]

Wow Pooh!  That's amazing - you did so well to fight back.  I love the answers you would have given and I just wish I was that quick thinking and that brave.

My MIL doesn't make snide comments, she just shows very little interest in me except to make sure I'm looking after her beloved son and grandchildren.  That's my role as far as she's concerned and I don't think she's that unusual in that. 

Take care - Chickpea

[lynnmarie219]

Pooh,

I love it! Your responses sound like something I might say...I usually can take so much....listen...ignore....the whole bit...but there is always that point when enough is enough and someone needs to say something to someone who is so obviously rude! I do have to admit though that my mouth has also gotten me into some trouble.....so I always have to be a tad careful with my responses... !


You go girl!

[Katybarstool]

Can I take the stand for mother in laws? I have a real bi@ch of a daughter in law, who was forever having digs at my being 'unwell', one time I retaliated and what did she do, deny us our grandchildren.

So, I know sometimes we don't get on with our son's wives, but some of them can be very dangerous women - and I know from the other son, that some can be angels.

Kathyx

[Patze]

Hi Proverbs! 

Let me also welcome you to the SJS World!  As you've already seen, there are a lot of pretty terrific people on this board, and I'm very thankful to also be a member.  Please look around the board as there are just tons of topics and so much information that I don't have to ask the rheumy much as I've already learned about it from the great members here.

Whew, you're in a tough situation, but I'm so glad that you're family is now starting to "see the light" and help you out a bit.  I'm sad to see that you have a mother-in-law that is a bit more cruel than loving, it's tough enough when you healthy, but that much harder when you're ill.  I won't bore you with my story with my ex-mother-in-law, suffice to say that I had to tell her off more than once, not nice, but oh so necessary.

Hang in there lady and I hope that you start feeling better soon!

Take care -

Patze

[Chickpea]

Hi Kathy

You're right that the issues can go both ways - sorry I just launched into my feelings about my MIL! 

I'm trying to learn more about these relationships now my children are adult.  I'm a sort-of-MIL to my younger son's girlfriend.  We get on really well and it's as if I have another daughter.  They live in New York so we only see them a couple of times a year but we talk on the phone or Skype most days.  My older son and his fiancee broke up after 5 years together and even 3 years later I still miss her.  That's the side of these relationships that we often forget too - break-ups affect more than just the couple.

I'm so glad that you have one angel of a DIL, even though the other is the opposite.

Take care - Chickpea

[warmwaters]

Welcome - I'm a newbie, too, and trying get the hang of not being well after being a busy bustling person.

Here's one insight that I had recently is that if people haven't been helping you with chores in the past, they may not even "see" what needs to be done.  For example, if house cleaning to you means sweeping the floors, washing the kitchen floors, dusting, and cleaning the toilets (etc, whatever the list really is), and you say "hey guys, can you clean the house?", they may do their darnedest but still not do what you think is normal to just keep things basically clean. Ditto with other chores, laundry, groceries.

That's why making up a list is really good - it helps set expectations. It also help you prioritize what matters most to you and your family.  As I'm figuring out what I can do, what I need help with, I'm finding out that, for me, clean toilets matter, and dusting is not so important. No right or wrong here, just what bugs me more.

There's also a completeness issue that my SO and I have bumped up against. Let's say he does the groceries (and he usually does these days). For me doing the groceries is getting the groceries, putting them away and putting away the bags. Sometimes he only puts away the perishables, and stacks the other items, which he says he'll put away later.  When I come into the kitchen and the groceries are sitting there, I feel like a nag asking him to finish. But having the clutter bugs me. So this is something we've had to talk through.  And of course, when I'm tired and my patience is thin, it doesn't help the conversation.

Keeping talking to your clan - it's hard for them to realize how much you may need. Tell them about how you are doing today, so they can learn about how things will vary.

And Hi!

[Patze]

Hi Warmwaters,

Let me also welcome you to the SJS World!  Please do look around the board as you might find a lot of answers to your questions.  And let's not even mention the tons of really great members too!

And I'm so jealous that you have such a very proactive doctor, that's half the battle!  Lucky you!

Take care -

Patze

[Bernice]

Hi Warmwaters,
I love your name! It reminds me of the ocean watching the tides come in. I recently spent time in Fla. and mostly stayed on the beach or balcony watching the ocean, day and night. I LOVE IT!

Bernice

[kimbo]

Hi proverbs 31,

Lots of thoughts while reading all your replies.

1st ... WOW what a great group we have here that have come out to welcome you.  And I know exactly how you feel as far as finding a kin ship here.

We all are walking this journey together. It is amazing how much we share in the same issues. I am so glad you found us and you have found comfort in the fellowship of this sjoggie family.

2nd My thoughts on family or any relationship, those that that feed your inner spirit... keep close. Those that drain your inner spirit keep a safe distance from. They are what I call toxic people.

Say little or nothing at all of your health if you know they really don't care.

3rd On help with chores......I remember when my daughters were teenagers and I verbally ask them to do something, I got the attitude thing looking back at me.
When I wrote it on the dry erase board I keep in the kitchen, they would do it and erase it off. WITHOUT an attitude. 

I began my sjoggie journey also, with the parotid swelling, though it was not so visible. I have to agree with pooh, I love her return remarks. But I am usually simple so dumbfounded when some one is so insensitive, I can never think that quick.

We all have those people in our lives that are so rude.
I had a step mother; I say had    I actually still do. But in my adult life I did the adult thing and placed her at a distance.
When I got mature enough to find my footing at how to handle her cattiness. I would say what and have her repeat what she said (that was catty) and say what again, say what (seriously) like I could not hear her. by the time she repeated it about 3 times. My theory was, may be if she heard her self say it over and over, she would hear her own rudeness.
I don't know but it certainly was worth a try. 

whats a proverbs women to do     oh yeah !!!!    We know best. 

blessings kimbo





 

[Bernice]

Kimbo,
I really respect your response! It is the correct way to handle someone like this momma-law and others that would mistreat us. KEEP THEM AT A DISTANCE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE!

Bernice