Never-ending and so confused

[SarahMurch]

First of all, sorry for not being around for a while, still finding it so hard accepting, understanding and coping with the fact that this is me now.

On my fourth week of antibiotics for a serious ruptured ear-drum due to infection, it's the one thing after another that is really getting me down. My son is off for the hols too so finding that extra energy to have days out and give him some quality time is even more draining.

Another major hurdle i'm dealing with is I know deep in my heart that I can't go back to my old job as a Teaching Assistant,  and being signed off makes the guilt and depression so much harder. So when my half pay runs out end September if I'm not dismissed through illness I'll have to resign. It is mentally such a tough negative job that needs continuous commitment and I just can't give it without suffering stress & exhaustion. But close family will see this as weak and lazy and the uncertainty of what the future would then hold is hard to think about, the shame and guilt I will feel for doing so will be hard to bare.

My partner & I are also at breaking point & destroying each other as we both try to cope with this illness, my depression and the financial struggle. Our self-esteem within ourselves, fun and love has disappeared to be replaced by strain, negativity, frustration, deep sadness and I know that selling the house then renting separately would give my son & I and Garry chance to reflect, try it on our own, breathing space and chance to take stock of what we really want.

But I'm scared. Absolutely terrified about how on earth will I pack up the house, move and bring up Jordan while constantly struggling with the pain, exhaustion and depression. I have never been on my own and don't know if I'll cope. I love Garry so much but seeing him so so unhappy I have to do the right thing. But what if it isn't, then what? My family are great believers of 'you make your bed so lie in it' so unconditional support, help and love will only be there if absolutely necessary.

What type of life will Jordan have when I'm ill and he has to help me? His dad runs his own business so his time to help out is limited too.

So much in my head, so much uncertainty and questions I can't answer,I had to rant.

Any advice, thoughts, experiences or just a listening ear truly grateful,
thank you xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
   

[Dolly Dimples]

Hi Sarah,      Just a listening ear really....you  are at a scary place right now but you must try to do what you really want to do.. Can't you both go visit a matrimonial counsellor , I'm sure they have had to deal with similar problems.. My family are not too bad but they don't really understand our problem,   heck! how can they when so many Doctors cant?
Don't worry too much over your son, children are much more resilient than we give cerdit to. He loves you as I'm sure your hubby really does and even if the split does happen he would probably give you a hand and help you all to resettle.. Don't be afraid to ask anyone for help and advice, it will be out there somewhere...     You will have good days as well as the bad... Take care,  Big hugs & prayers for you , and sorry I can't be more help... Dolly

[Pooh]

Sarah dear, you have a lot on your plate.  Have you and your partner sat down and talked this out rationally?  Dolly made a good suggestion about counseling.  I have a feeling with a little help you can work this out. 

I'm sure he is as frightened as you are, but men don't express themselves, they tend to hold it in.  Children will be resilient and forgiving. 

You might be surprised by your family, they could fool you and be more supportive.  It wouldn't hurt to talk to them and explain what is going on with your life. 

I will keep you in my prayers and I hope this all works out for you.

Hugs, Pooh