The tough stuff - divorce

[Gorn]

This may turn out to be the stupidest decision I have ever made, but I just told my wife of 27 years I want a divorce.

Haven't told the kids yet.  They are all in college, or almost.  No little ones.
I can't really tell any of my friends until we tell the kids ... I feel so lame to be posting here but I have to talk to someone.

We have always had different energy levels. She has always been very active, and I am more of a "live off your belly fat" kind  of guy. 
I started to get sick a couple of years ago.  My first symptom was inexplicable kidney pain.  I had to quit my job with an electrical firm because I could no longer handle the physical demands; the day to day toll, especially on my joints in the cold weather was just too much.  I sometimes wonder if exposure to all the construction chemicals and particulates could have activated the immune response in the first place.  Who knows?

I now work for myself as an independent contractor/ handyman, which means I can take days off if I am feeling too sick to work. Relationship-wise, Sjogren's has just made the differences between us so stark.

She is not unsympathetic to my plight ... but the sex went out of the marriage a long time ago. As they say, it takes two to tango, and we don't tango.  There is no blame here, just a recognition that the intimacy is gone and it ain't comin' back. Have done the marital counseling thing multiple times, to no avail.   

When I finally screwed up the courage to have 'the discussion' she told me that she mentally withdrew from the relationship years ago.
She was just waiting until all the kids were settled in college or beyond. 

Despite all of this, I still have hope sometime in the future that I can be with someone in a meaningful way, despite the limitations of my current situation.  I worry about being too sick to work, or being unable to afford health insurance. I just can't give up hope.

"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone."

-Robin Williams

[warmwaters]

Sorry to hear you are going through this.  I have several friends who went through the "kids are gone, so we can move on" in their 40s.  Sometimes people just go in different directions after many years. Often the divorce can be very civilized under those circumstances - I had a friend whose goal was that she and her ex could sit at the same table at their kids weddings, and have a good time.


While dating with a chronic illness isn't a walk in the park, it's not impossible either. While you're not as energetic as your wife, it doesn't mean that there aren't folks out there who are compatible with your current way of living.

Best of luck as you go through this.

[jazzlover]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's hard at ANY time. I'll say a few prayers that the transition is an "easy" one for everyone concerned.

Good luck and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[sixty]

I've been there, and being alone is better than being with a spouse that you don't tango with anymore.  Even if it takes years for you to find the right person, or if you don't find them at all, you are better off to be alone and be yourself.  Carry on I say.

[knik]

   I am in the same boat, only I am the woman.  My husband left me emotionally years ago, but still wont admit it.  We have not tango'ed in over 10 years.  I live in this house with a room mate.  We still have a teenager at home though.  My issue is, with my illness, I cannot leave him.  I have not worked in years because I have been raising the kids.  I had a part time job recently that I had to quit due to my health.  I feel like I am a prisoner.  Not only in this miserable ailing body, but in this miserable marriage.  You are not alone!

[Gorn]

Thank you for the kind replies.  I'm sorry to hear from others who have gone through something similar, or worse. 

With a little time, I have been feeling better about the decision; downright relieved to be honest.  I still have some legitimate worries about the future, but at least I am feeling now that a future is possible.