Can't seem to stop crying

[Kathy57]

Dearest friends,

I have good news to report in that my tear glands seem to be functioning perfectly.  I have not had to take my asthma medication for much of the summer.  It may be the Ubiquinol or just a lessoning of my symptoms, but I have had a better summer.

I still feel an underlying fatigue and all over dryness but that is just life, right?  So why am I posting?  Because I feel so horribly sad.  I can't shake it.  The good news is I have tears but I cry to the point where my sinuses ache (more than normal) and my nose looks terrible and my face is all puffy.

I went to my doctor's office yesterday and it was a beautiful day and she went on and on and on about how wonderful my lab work is.  (I don't look sick and my lab work has always been very good). I should be happy but I started crying and couldn't stop.

My husband asked me, "Are you coming down with a cold?", and I said yes.  I don't want him to worry about me because he has so much on his mind. 

Why am I sad?  Why do I walk around with a permanent lump in my throat?  Why do I have trouble just getting out of bed and facing the day?  I am depressed and grieving and I can't stop it.  I'm taking an antidepressant and I haven't skipped it.

You may remember that my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer and we have been traveling to MD Anderson for treatment.  Well the good news is his attitude is great and he feels good.  They said that the best they could do is try to "give him a few good years."  So I should be happy,  right?

But I'm not.  I prayed that I would be well so I could care for him during his surgery and I have been!  So I should be happy.  I want to be happy so I can make him happy but I feel like I'm walking around in a terrible fog. 

He's still with me so why, why, WHY, am I feeling like this?  It is not logical. 

He is my best friend and we have been happily married since 1979.  I can't picture a world without him,  I'm afraid that if and when the time comes that I will be so angry with myself for wasting this valuable "good" time. 

I don't want to tell my kids because I don't want them to worry about me or their dad.  My best friend has been so supportive but I don't feel like unloading all of this on her. 

She has a condo in Florida and begs me to visit.  Ordinarily I enjoy that but I feel like nothing can bring me joy except maybe my grandkids.  There is so much good in my life so I need a big swift kick to my behind! 

Thanks,

Kathy

[Pete0211]

Kathy,

The heart is not, and should not be, logical. It's ok to be emotional, but you still must find a way to balance that with the logical mind. You seem like you are there, but just need a little nudge back over the edge, and I think those you rule out (kids, best friend, husband) might be just the people to help you balance.

It's ok to ask for help from those closest to you. Sure, it might add some more concern/worry in their lives, but I have no doubt they'd welcome that burden to help you bear with yours. 'X' amount of weight shared among several people makes for an easier task than one person handling all that weight themselves.

Maybe you should talk with your doc also to see if maybe a slight increase or change in meds might help, or who knows what else the doc may recommend, but I think you should at least let the doc know, also.

Granted, I'm no doc, nor a counselor, I have no kids ... so take my advice with a grain of salt. Hang in there and keep focus on the good!

Pete

[Sharon]

Sorry to hear you're feeling so down Kathy.
There are so many things we cannot control about our bodies,
and sometimes emotions are part of that. The cause may be stemming from some
underlying inflammation, chemical imbalance, etc.
I agree with Pete that sharing the burden often does help and perhaps will be a relief for
you since you won't feel you must hide it anymore or harbor feelings of guilt about it.
It sounds like you've been there plently for others.
Now let others be there for you while you find your way back to yourself.

[araminta]

Kathy, So sorry you are feeling sad.   As Pete says we aren't always logical, and I think it's only natural you are feeling upset and off balance at present, you have been through a lot, you still have some health problems, and you are thinking a lot about your husband. 

Perhaps you could accept that that is how you are for the time being, it's all right to be like that.   Trying to fight it or play it down or ignore it doesn't help. 

I think talking to someone about how you feel will help, would it be possible for you to have some counselling?   Another thing which I believe would help is mindfulness/meditation - personally I have found it extremely helpful in difficult times - if you haven't tried it, it is basically about living more in the moment, and observing your thoughts and emotions from a little distance so that you don't get swamped by them.   The more you practise it, the more helpful it becomes.

[warmwaters]

You and your family have had some bad news, and it's not surprising that one of your responses is grief.  Though after you got some good news that some of the problems may be manageable, there's all sorts of complicated emotions around it.

Try to cut yourself some slack - what you and your family is going through is hard and scary.  Try to find someone to talk to, whether a friend or a counselor.  Sometimes articulating your fears and concerns helps put them in proportion, or helps you break them down into smaller problems that you can solve.

Kind thoughts are being sent your way.

[Deb 27]

Kathy, I am so sorry about your husband's diagnosis. That's a very tough piece of news. I will say that my father in law was once given 2 years to live and he lasted 20 more years! He had a very aggressive prostate cancer. He got radiation, his prostate and testes out. It had gone to his bone. He had a very good quality of life too. The cancer went into remission.

Take it one day at a time. Doctors aren't 100% all the time. In the meantime, maybe you should get some counseling or see if you need an adjustment of your antidepressant. I hope these feelings go away quickly.

[irish]

kathi, I am sorry that you are feeling so terrible. I would think that it is time to go see the doctor. You probably need to have your antidepressant increased or maybe another one added at a lower dose.

With all you have been through with yourself and your hubby these last months it doesn't surprise me that your are going through this emotional time. So often when we are over run with so many super difficult issues in our lives we are given the ability to push our way through. Then when the initial stress is over or the stress changes its stripes our body seems to crash.

Please don't think that you are weak. You are just normal and need a little extra boost with your meds. You will probably be able to take extra antidepressant for some months and then discontinue it when you brain chemicals get back in shape. Hang in there and I will say prayers for both your hubby and you. Irish

[Kathy57]

Dearest friends,

Thank you so much for your patience, support, understanding and good advice.  I've re-read all of your responses twice.  The one that gave me the biggest lift was the one about Deb's father-in -law living a good 20 years despite what the doctor's said.  Who knows?  It could happen to my husband.  He looks so strong and healthy now.

Unfortunately this is a really aggressive cancer with a Gleason scale of 10.  It has metastasized to his muscle, bladder, and rectum.  The doctor was hoping it would be contained but it wasn't.  He said if we did nothing at all that he would give him 6 months as this cancer is not a usual slow growing prostate cancer.  But we removed as much cancer as we could and are following up with treatment, meds , and we will have radiation for 6 weeks. 

He is enrolled in some kind of research study.  That's okay but I want them to help him why they are studying him.  He is lucky to have good doctors and good insurance. 

I did tell my doctor what was going with me and she certainly noticed me crying.  She is very sweet.  She gave me a number to call to get counseling that she recommended.  I just need to screw up the courage to make the call.  I did tell my husband that I don't have a cold but that I am sad and worried about him.  He is so wonderful and he hugged me. 

I should be supporting him but here he is reassuring me.  That is so like him.  I'll call and schedule some counseling appointment tomorrow.  If it doesn't help I can always stop it.

Thanks for listening and being there for me.  Really, every day is a gift because none of us knows what tomorrow may bring.  None of us are promised anything, really.

My goal is to try and make the best of each day but I have to get a handle on the grief, first.

Thank you my friends.

Sleep well.

Kathy

[Judie P]

I am so sorry you and your family are going through this.  A year of counseling saved my life.  If this helps any, I am on a low dose of anti-depressant and when I feel particularly like crying, I add 1,000mg of Vitamin D to the mix.  It seems to help.  Love and hugs, J

[ohiolady]

Kathy,

My heart goes out to you and I am so sorry.  It is understandable you would feel this way.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Anna

[irish]

I am so sorry that you and your hubby have to experience all of these problems. I went through this also and it is hard. Yes, you problably have a chemical depression going on from all the stress that is bombarding you. Another thing that kicks in at this time is shock. It is like getting hit by a bus and it just keeps on going around the block and hitting you again.

Sooo, crying is not an unusual thing at this time. I always cried at night after hubby had gone to bed. Our bodies need to have some relief from the horrible shock and stress that we experience during a illness of our loved one. Be aware that you will be given more strength and endurance than you ever thought possible during the days to come. THe best thing you can do is to ignore the things that are not important at this time and make sure to eat and drink well and rest often with your blankey even if you don't sleep. I will be thinking of you and your family. Hugs Irish

[quietdynamics]

My dearest Kathy.. how do we convey the effects of devastating news? When do we reach out to those nearest?

Even in our Sjogrens realm could we have 'known', can we anticipate the effects of an unexpected (.. and who ever heard of this disease before?) on our lives and the ripple effect on our family and friends.

Crying is a release for our fear, shock, grief.

This is normal, and healthy. Is your husband shedding tears out of view?
The Dr. likely suggested, gave you the counseling number, for grief counseling (not depression). Can your husband and you go together, then have family join in. A top therapist can help with learning how to be in "the now", treasure time and joys of "being". A very precious commodity we can never recapture.

There have been many times I have really needed to 'stop' myself before DH series of surgeries of late, from wondering will he make it, will he be affected or left worse. In the now, I flirt with him, ask him in all seriousness "Are you OK?" "Are you scared?" I ask the Drs. point blank, "What are your concerns?"  And afterwards.. I take him home and crash for days. OK sometimes more than a week. It is emotionally ---> physically exhausting. Then DH starts worrying about me and we repeat the cycle..lol.

Really even the legal stuff bouncing in our heads.

Please call the number the Dr. gave you for yourself, your husband and your family.
(I do take a combo treatment which includes Cymbalta to manage fibro. Grief and fear of the unknown .. well it is part of the life experience. Grief needs support and time.)

I am wishing you and your family strength. I am wishing you and your husband dates and flirting.. so you can fuel the love that has bound you together.