Down I go again... stupid disease

[Justdave]

I am so depressed..

I was hospitalized yet again last week,  This time because I had shortness of breath we couldn't shut down, it
was like my asthma was out of control. They thought my heart and then my lungs.. both checked out fine.

I take all my meds, I rest, I don't drink or smoke.  I am careful with sunlight and eat right.  yet nutten... it doesn't
seem to matter.

Now I have back slid and using my Neb treatment each day... unhhhhh

Do you ever feel you can't get any ground... you keep getting dragged back...

so far this year...for my hosptial holidays..


Feb - severe Leg infection - Two week stay
March - Pulmanary embolism - that one hurt, three week Stay..
August - Stomach issues - 2 day stay
now September - Breathing issues - 2 day stay..

I am so tired of the hospital....

This disease is kicking the snot out of me.  I am tired all the time, my
eyes hurt.  can't breathe, always sore,..Pain.. Pain... Pain..


But the worst is what is doing to my family, have to look into my wifes eyes,
knowing quite well we can't aford another hospital stay copay.  Seeing the worry,
the hurt the tears.  I feel so guilty,  I am racking them over the coals.

I appologize every time I go in.  She smiles at me and says in a tired voice that
it is okay...


I am bipolar, and usually able to control my depression swings.. but I don't know..

sometimes the world weighs a lot.  I wish I could stop putting it on her shoulders.

[KellyG999]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I often feel like you do. I also spent a whole year suffering in what seemed like one big continuous flare.

Please understand it is not your fault and I am sure your wife knows this, too. It sounds like she is there for you and loves you.

All the folks on this board care about you. I am going to pray for you right after I post.

PLEASE hang in there. It can only get better from here, right?

KellyG

[susan]

Your post reminded me how unfair this "stupid disease" is! But we are left with trying to cope the best we can, which is exactly what you are doing!
You have had a bad spell of hospitalizations which are so draining, both for you and your wife.
I have noticed in my family (husband, 2 married daughters) that each has found their own way to cope with the mess that chronic illness can make. My husband gets angry, my daughters become even more caring than they usually are. It is hard on them.
When I have a bad flare or complication, I try to talk to them, and find out how they are doing. Husband doesn't care to talk, daughters do:)
Wishing you and your wife a much needed respite from your symptoms.

[Jozee]

You sound like a very caring husband to not want to worry your wife. Lean on each other and communicate!! Don't try to read each others minds. You can't. Talk about what is going on and how you each feel about what is happening. When you communicate things don't get blown out of proportion.

[Explorer]

Whats happening to you is beyond your control...your wife im sure understands that and just wants to see you get well again. Dont blame yourself....Hope u feel better soon

[Michael]

Dave hope you feel better soon!! One of my biggest issues for me was the family guilt thing. I learned to cope, but my family didn't at first. After having family plans for Thanksgiving and not being able to make it. With the kids and wife upset and me feeling so guilty...This had to be fixed!! I layed in bed and thought now how can I solve this one..I have talked to the family, but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. My blessing arrived in the mail!! It was the foundation news letter with a feature on "I just cant make it"...It described me to a tee. I took a balck marker and circled the artical and placed it on my wife's place mat at the dinner table...That was a turning point for our family. Now they actually read the foundation letters..Now the bird gets to read them second hand! Take care and feel better!