Sorry, but I need to rant about my adult child...

[Meld256]

I kind of hate to bring this up here, but I guess I need another outlet for my worry and frustration right now. Maybe there have been others of you in the same boat.

Our only daughter, and youngest child is 22, married and lives in the next state about 225 miles from me and my husband (her Daddy). She has been with (dated, lived with and then married) her husband since she was 16. He is 5 1/2 years older. He is good to her, very loving and they are best friends and he is honest and loyal, and they truly love one another.

The entire time they have been out on their own, they have struggled financially. I know that's not a surprise in this economy, but here is the big concern. She has always kept a job, until recently when she was laid off. She now draws a little unemployment.
He, on the other hand, has never kept a job more than a few months at a time, even when there were many more opportunities out there.  He either gets tired of one and quits or gets fired because he's not on time or calls off. Our family, and our kids were not raised that way! 
It has been a concern for our daughter all along and frustrated her to no end. Before they married in 2009, she told him if they were getting married, he had to work, he had to keep a job. A few months before, he got two parttime jobs and started back at  college.  2 Months later, guess what??  A new job opened where he would make more and have good hours. We had bad weather that winter and he was late several times and got fired.  Right before he would have had med./dental insurance benefits and been hired on permanently. Of course, he had quit BOTH parttime jobs before this. Uggh...sorry, there's more...

[Meld256]

Fast forward to now: They are looking at the 3rd (!) time being evicted from an apartment this week or next. Neither our daughter or her husband are working; she applied everywhere and had a couple interviews but nothing. He's looked a bit, but not much.
They are trying to live on her small unemployment checks, so they have nothing. Their one car (hers) is broken down, they will have their elec./gas shut off tomorow to the apt. and when she told me about the eviction yesterday on the phone she said they have nothing to eat and no money. 

The first eviction about 1 1/2 years ago, she was working full time and he wasn't. They were able to find a cheaper apt. right away and move from one to the other. The second time (last May) they were broke, so they moved in with her husband's Dad and lived there til Nov. when they got this place.  By this time she was working at the warehouse she's been laid off from in Jan. this year. Our SIL worked at a gas station for a while til he got tired of it.

When my husband and I talked to her yesterday, she was crying and said she didn't know what to do...her Daddy told her we would come and get her and her stuff! We can pay her car repair, and she can come to KY to live here and get on her feet. We will not our SIL live here because we allowed him to live with us several years ago. He contributed nothing and that was our fault for letting it go on for months. They have no where to go when they get kicked out. His family is sick of helping him and we are too. Now it's time to take care of her if she will let us. She says she doesn't know if she wants to come here and stay with us or not...I'm thinking at this point to call and tell her to be ready this weekend. We are coming to get her!!

[CAT1962]

I am so sorry.  Mine IS my daughter. She is almost 21 and I am paying her $450.00 dollars worth of bills (car, insurance, 2 credit cards). She is in college but will not get a job. She is the oldest of 4. So I work extra jobs to pay for her bills. She does have an anxiety problem, but.... Also, my 16 yr old , who thinks money grows on trees, quit her job after a month. I cut her off. She was mcDonalding me, shoe shopping me, cell switching me to death!

[Meld256]

CAT,
I guess you can understand my rant somewhat. Our SIL is a pleasant enough guy, but he's never learned how to take care of himself, which I find amazing at 28 years old.

Part of it is at 18 his mother remarried, and I think sort of shoved him off even though I don't think she meant to. Her parents stepped in (his Gma and Grandpa) and started "helping".  He lived with them, then they bought him a car, then a second car when that one died, paid for this and that until it got so when he did work he'd use his money for play and when he really needed something, call Grandma and Grandpa, they'll pay it or buy it.
Well, they finally got tired of it a couple years ago, and told him to grow up. Then our daughter *took care of him* and we have helped on occasion when it's seemed she was trying and just going backwards. I get the feeling somehow SIL has gotten the idea the world should take care of him; he doesn't have to work for anything and that attitude drives me and my husband crazy!

IF he was doing everything possible to make ends meet, that would be different. But laziness cannot be tolerated. I hate that our daughter lives this way, because she gets upset, he will work or try to for a little while and then it ends and they are back to the same story. It just depends on how long she chooses to live this way; I hate it but I can't make that decision for her.

[Bucky]

((Melinda)),

Parenthood is hard!!  After reading your story - it sounds a lot like my late sister and her husband.  She was in the same situation . . . she worked, and her husband would moan and groan about his jobs (heaven forbid he was asked to do something that wasn't in his "job description" . . my Dad told him, "are you getting paid for doing it?" . . and he would reply, "yes" . . . and Dad would say, "then do it!!").  Kenny couldn't keep jobs either - in my opinion, he was lazy and didn't "want" to work (still doesn't to this day).  

Like you, my parents had to fork over money on many, many occasions to help them out with food, rent, etc.

Myself, I'm not in your shoes, but I have seen what has gone on with my sister and my parents.  It seemed like Linda and Kenny were always needing something.  I even sent money on occasions to help.

I realize that jobs are hard to come by right now due to the economy - there ARE jobs - but, most times they are not high paying jobs.  Some times you have to do what you have to do.  Something is better than nothing.  I have heard Dr. Phil McGraw say on many occasions that a person should job hunt full time looking for a job.  (versus filling out one application once a week and saying they've applied)

Are there any temporary services your daughter could sign up with to get a job?  Some times if a person can just get their foot into the door other opportunities come up.  

Would there be any job opportunities there in KY versus where she is now?  

Not to sound cruel, but do they have cell phone plans and cable tv that they can do without?  Cell phone charges can run quite expensive.  We use to have family plans with Verizon - after sitting down and figuring out it cost us over $1,000 a year to have cell phones, we canceled them and now use Tracfones.  It's not the best situation, but it works for us and we can use that money for other things.  Lots of times, people have "extra" luxuries that they could do without when money is stretched thin to be able to cover the necessities that are needed.

As a parent, we always want to "protect" our children.  I don't know when (or if) the time comes when we stop bailing them out and let them deal with the consequences of poor decisions.  Granted, your daughter was laid off from her job - that's not her fault.  But, chances are, her husband will never change - he will always struggle with holding/finding a job.  This pattern will continue and they will always be in this situation.  Sad, but true.

Unfortunately, love doesn't pay the bills!

I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions for you - this is a tough call.  If your daughter comes to live with you guys - I think there would have to be "rules".  She'll have to continue to look for a job.  If she can't find one, she should be expected to help around the house - cleaning, fixing meals, laundry, etc.  It's not a free ride.

Hang in there Melinda.  Good luck with your decision.

Hugs,
Bucky

[Cheryl]

Meld,
I don't have answers for you, either, but I'm so sorry about the whole situation you are dealing with.   Feel free to vent here.   I hope things work out for all of you.
Hugs
Cheryl

[Meld256]

Bucky,
That's partly what my husband and I have wrestled with lately; when or if you stop bailing your kids out for bad decisions.  We've done it too much for her, but not lately, and we've never paid anything big or over $40-50 here and there. Except for the wedding, and that was a nice DIY event.

I know there ARE jobs out there, even though the economy is awful. I don't know if she has looked full-time but even the temp services don't have anything. It is really bad in their area. I think she'd have a much better chance getting a job around here. There's not many but fewer people to compete with.
Bad thing with SIL is he's worked places before he might find something now, but burnt that bridge. Plus he just doesn't look far. We know he will never change...I think she does, too, but keeps hanging on hoping cause she loves him.  If they stay together she will never have any stability. He is lazy and ungrateful, which is really unfortunate, and makes me so sad for her.

No, they don't have cable or expensive phones. They each have a prepaid phone, and no home ph. No car payment, credit cards or loans except now he has a student loan and has stopped going to school.
If she will come live with us, there will be rules. She will need to find a job, and save some money, and in leiu of rent definately help out with some housework. I don't think she'd have a problem with all that. She has a grandma here who would let her stay with her and an aunt and cousin, too. Many options!  I hope she agrees to take the help.

Thanks, anyone who chose to read my long, sad tale. I appreciate it!

[Carebear]

Hi Melinda,

There is no reason for you to apologize for expressing your concern for your daughter.  I can tell how worried you are for her.

It looks like she has some serious soul searching to do.  And some tough decisions lie ahead as well.  You sound like good parents. All you can do is keep the lines of communication open and let know you are there for her. 

Share your feelings here anytime.

[Meld256]

Thanks, Carebear

Yes, I am very worried for her. I can imagine the feeling of not knowing where you're going to live by the next week, and have no cash, and have no idea how to get out of this mess.

She definately has some soul searching to do, and tough decisions. And the hard part on me and dad is that we need to respect whatever decision she makes. It guess it sounds mean to offer her our home and not her husband,  but we've had it with him and his "bumming" from people.
Thanks for letting me rant and vent! Lord, I've written an epic, but it's helped! 

[Meld256]

I'll try to end my 2-day rant. Called my daughter last night and we had a good conversation.

Since they are being evicted and gas/elec. is shut off today, she and hubby are moving to her FIL's apt. this weekend. (they lived with him last yr. for 6 mths.)  How very kind of him. He lives in a town close to them.
She said she'd cried over all this for 3 days and now felt better about it. Said she wasn't leaving her husband just because they were getting kicked out again, and I told her I respect her decision.  If she ever needs to come to us, she always has a home and love.  She knows we are there for here.

I told her it made me sad that she lived this way, never knowing where they would live from mth. to mth., many days no food in the house, no working car half the time. And with her husband she will never have the stability that she craves. But she's an adult, I know she loves him and it is her choice.

So, there we are...me and her Dad need to realize this is her decision to stay in this situation, no matter what we may think of it, or what we think is an awful way to live your young life.
Thanks for listening! 

[Bucky]

Melinda - as parents, you've done all you can do . . . you've offered your daughter a place to come to, to try and get back on her feet.  The ultimate decision is hers . . which she's made . . to stay there and try and work it out. 

I know it saddens you and your husband that she will have to struggle so much.  I saw it with my sister too.  The bottom line is . . . it IS her life . . . I hope that things will improve for her and her husband.  I agree, it's a sad way to spend a young life.  I hope your daughter will again stress to her husband that he needs to find and keep a job! 

Hang in there Mom . . . . feel free to vent, rant, or just share what's on your heart any time.

Hugs,
Bucky

[Scottietottie]

Hi Melinda 

I couldn't say it any better than Bucky.

You know you are there for her - and she knows you are there for her. Parenthood is the hardest job out and ending up with an independent adult is a job well done.

Feel free to vent any time. We are always here to listen.

Take care - Scottie 

[Meld256]

Thanks, Scottie and Bucky. 

Yes, Bucky, that's a good summary...we've done what we can and I'm (pretty much) ok with it. I actually admire the fact that these two have been through so much and are committed to their marriage...and that's how it should be. They aren't letting finances break them.

You are right. It IS her life, and she's a tough little cookie. She's so funny...her last job was in a window-manufacturing plant. They started her out taping the glass and she insisted they teach her how to put larger pieces together. She learned it in no time and surprised them as the only girl on the line. She's 5' 4", 120 lbs. and worked with these big guys who thought she was great.

I have two older sons from my prior marriage and they have had their struggles on occasion but have done whatever they needed to. They've worked second jobs, moved in with a room-mate, my younger son was a bell-ringer at Christmas for the Salvation Army in cold, frozen Kansas a few years ago. He got his pic in the newspaper because he played his guitar while asking for donations.  So we have a 34-yr-old and 30-yr-old who are happy, independent adults, and good men. And we are proud of all three of our kids.

I guess it's different for her; she keeps thinking her husband will be a partner working with her but that probably won't happen. My sons have never expected a woman to do that; maybe as men they know they need to do it on their own. Interesting thought there...
Hopefully, these "kids" will start getting back on their feet soon. Thanks for listening...it means so much to me.