I want added to list of symptoms and things SJS or any illness loss of friends.
I have some truly great friends i really do and i thank the gods for them daily.
last 6 months one of my closest friends trisha , who ive supported thick and thin just showed herself up to be more toxic than i realised , strange when youve given so much and get so little back when you need it.
She came to the school gates, knowing very few ppl, she had returned to the UK from living abroad when she found her ex cheating, and was raising 2 girls alone.
her ex is a sh*t no other way round it, cant even phone the girls on their birthday, just throws money at them.But wil she do anything about hat but moan ?? nope.
ive baby sitted for her, if my kids were at their dad`s ive walked to her house and kept her company, when she had a hysterectomy , i was one on phone everyday to you need any shopping? did her dishes if there was any, hung shower curtain up, helped all i could as a single working mum, it sounds horrible but she has maoned about lack of money yet wont keep a job for more than 6 weks, coz its too hard, he parents help every way emotionally and finnacially, her mums had some kind of athritic problems last few months, and all trisha has done is moan , she feels sorry for herself.the woman is now 60 working fulltime and drained by her, she plays the but im iler than you card, when she aint she is fit for what she wants to do, she had achest infection last week, and youd think it was terminal, yet her mothers a hypochondriac according to her.
We got to school and everyone knows her daily health update, she was dx with IBS 2 months ago and its all weve heard.
She i have been feeling only calls when she needs to offload, yesterday was just a really bad day pain wise, and i arrived to hear me me me again!!
Only her and 2 other ppl know anything about my health at the school ,and only because ppl have asked as i look grey.
Im a private person and just plod on, just way i am, i dont want to seek attention from ppl i hardly know, but she just cant help herself any .
I went to the school with alot on my mind yesterday and she statered moaning AGAIN, i declined a usual lift home, and said its a nice day im going to just walk, she looked peeved, and said you got a problem with me?? wishing to avoid the convo at the school, i said i ll phone you later, but no she wanted a scene, i said look i ll call, infront of everyone, she said wel if your going to be funny with me then dont!!
I snapped, first time in 5 years and said why does it have to always be about you ?? all i hear is me me me me me !!!
i got home phoned and apologised, but was honest and said how ive been feeling, she has moved onto a quiet mousy girl who will never be honest with her and is the anything to please type bless her, but im too honest and it had to be said.
i told her i felt since i had emotionally supported her for 5 years, that maybe just for once, she could give me a break my heads trying to get around alot of things, and when she phoned other night 9 only phones when she needs something iv ebegan to realise) with yet another drama that wasnt really one, i was sleeping, instead of asking my partner was i ok ?? was i fit to call ?? nope it was me me me again, GET her to call.
well she wasnt happy at all about the honesty, and hung up, today at the school first time in 5 years she blanked me totally !! and walked off.
seems if your not able to be the strong , supportive one for 5 minutes, your history, if your not the caring one then you can p*ss off, i dont know if im sad, guilty, angry or what right now, maybe them all, i feel bad, but maybe its all for the best, for i dont think i have another drama left in me, even if i was in the wrong, youd think she would have enough empathy to say hey write it off to alot on plate and love me through it, but nope!
Im beginning to realise that SJS affects a he**uva lot more than our health.
anyone else found this ??
T x
Oh Wednesday
I'm really sorry to hear that this happened to you. You deserve the best, most loving and supportive friends a woman could have. You know we love you but that's no substitute for a friend at the school gates, or someone to sit and chat with over a cuppa.
You're very wise and I know you'll be able to analyse what's going on here, what sort of person Trisha is and the dynamics of your friendship. She just isn't able to do more than take, and you both slotted into set roles in your friendship. She spotted the loving, giving woman that you are and set out to get her needs met. You have a surfeit of love to give - it just bubbles out of you - and were happy to support her.
Like you, I'm a very private person and I find the visibility that comes with being ill hard to cope with. I also want to be the one who gives more than takes, although I know that ideally the two would be in balance in friendships. I've definitely found that my social world has been reduced since being ill: partly because I can't work any more; but partly because I can't socialise much due to exhaustion, speech difficulties, mobility problems etc etc. Some friends deal with this better than others, and my relationship with one of my closest friends has suffered. Nothing dramatic, just that we see each other less often and conversation doesn't go as deep or personal as it used to. I had a bad accident recently and her reaction made me realise that this change is partly because she's frightened about what's happening to me, scared of losing me. That helped me empathise with her more.
But I haven't actually dealt with the issue because I'm nowhere near as good as you are at confronting things. Yes, this afternoon was a horrible experience but it was honest. You were clear and open, not unpleasant or aggressive. You're right: she doesn't have the empathy in her. You need to be self protective and avoid yet another drama. Stick with the people who love you and who give as well as take.
Thinking of you - Chickpea
In this world there are many `takers' - these people think only of themselves. Move on and dont blame yourself - you have done nothing wrong - only maybe waiting too long to tell her what a selfish shallow person she really is<LOL> ;D -
I too am like you and I dont bore people with my problems - after all we dont `look' ill :-\
and to be honest I cant be bothered to try and explain it to them :-X
Issey
Since I got really sick over the last sixmonths,, my so called friends have all but abandoned me,, I have one,, (a lady friend),, who lives in Indiana who tries to come in occasionally,, no,, no, no afiar,, just a dear friend,, personaly I find women to be open to a persons suffering,, the mothering instinct,, my other friends who left me in the cold,,there all blue collar,, and if they cant see anything wrong like a broken leg,, your ok,, its hard for them to see the real problem,,
Wednesday, Im sorry for the way she has treated you. You dont deserve that. Since Ive been on this site you have been nothing but a friend to me and my little girl. Sometimes the bigger hearts we have the more we get hurt. I also like you have little friends unless they need something. My fiance is my best friend. Ive been thru 2 divorces because i was the giver and they were the takers but now I have a giver. I am always here if you need someone to talk to. Maybe she will see the error in her ways and she will be a true friend to you from now on. Hugs and Kisses Jonnell and Jenna
Ah Wednesday,
Thanks for posting this experience -
I used to be "That Girl, Agent 99, Girl Friday, Mary Tyler Moore"!
I feel it as well. I really prided myself in being the giver and "mom" of friends. Now I can't run around and do what you did for her... and I think the takers see that... or just don't want to see me (or "see" themselves) as sick. They don't know of my periph Neuro stuff... i just plod along - don't go out. But I have the phone!
I've had some heartbreak I admit it the friends that are always "terminally busy"... meaning the gentle release of "friend firing". Many friends haven't read about my disease. They think jsut dry eyes an mouth. But I don't have a recognizable disease so it gets lonely. They don't want to hear about me and go into there stuff. "Oh I have headaches, dry eyes..." commiserating or is it gentle belittling?
I have some really great friends. I feel I am lucky two have just about 3 that I can talk to kinda often. I worry that I am not in the world and of the world enough to give to them. Gotta read the paper, books, music, films more ;)) Many have kids and are married now (quit a few since I was diagnosed) so they are so busy.
There are more tidbits but well ya know...
Take care out there,
P.
Wednesday, i hope your friend will have time to think about her actions, how she has been moaning, groaning and taking from you all those years. I have just recently said to my daughter who had a disagreement with her friend at school, that if this person is causing a negative effect on you then its better to detach yourself abit, having someone positive with a sense of humour and empathy to match is much better for your well being.
When reading through the posts i always see your replys and you always are supportive, helpful and encouraging, you have enlightened me also. You do deserve a true friend that will give back in equal amounts that you give.
Some may say that we have been chosen to live with chronic diseases because we can deal with them and still have the heart to want to help mend others.
Please know that you make a big difference to people on this site, and im sure your the same with others around you. You gave your friend the chance to back off and think about things, she pushed you too far.
Hope she mends her ways and start to look outside herself and see what an amazing friend you have been.
Look afteryourself, and keep your chin up.
Loulou
I am so sorry it has had to come down to this for you and your friend. But you know, with a friend who is an emotional vampire (that sounded so harsh, but I mean they drain the life out of ya and walk away, leaving you lying there) it was just a matter of time. The good news is that now that you have released her, or the other way around, it frees you up to other friendships. Or to just "be."
The good news about Sjogren's is that you find out who your true friends are. The bad news is....the same thing. You have a huge heart and people with such big hearts are known to have them trampled on. It hurts I know and I am so sorry for that. But soon you will realize that it is sort of liberating not to have to carry this friend and all her emotional baggage and draaammmaaa around with you. Trust me, you don't need her weights on your tiny, sore little shoulders.
T, I'm all aggrieved on your behalf. >:( I know how much you gave out as a friend and when you needed something back, it must have been so hurtful to get the cold shoulder instead. I know in the long run it might be better to know that she is more of a 'drain' than a 'radiator' but for now you are in a mix of emotions - anger, frustration, loss etc.
Be assured by what you have read on here - you have friends here who will listen, understand, share your delights and dismays with you and never expect more than its ok to give. Wish I was nearer and could be the one making the cuppas, calling to see how you are, 'baby'sitting etc. Sending you virtual hugs and hoping you start to feel better about it soon. Well done on not losing your cool and your dignity! xx Ailsa
Wednesday honey,
I'm sending gentle strokes to your brow and a loving hug!
You are the sort of treasure that should be appreciated not squandered!
Let the vampire go, honey and find a new soul who sees you and will love your value to her!
Janna
Oh dear ! Wednesday,
All I can add is... with friends like that , who needs enemies!!
.... you acted in a very humble way when apologizing to this person... so just let it go now..
You have more than enough love and respect here, and we totally understand your frustration when dealing with people like that..
Can't say more than all the other lovely peeps before me... Luv Dollyx
Wednesday,
I do understand, you are the friend who's problems are never as bad you make them out, and your problems could never ever be as terrible as hers. I have certainly known a few people like that, and in fact had big blow up right here in my cul de sac a couple weeks ago. Two years ago I *finally* after 8 years realized how toxic my neighbor was and understood that unless I culled back on the friendship, I was just going to continually wind up in these dramatic situations always being the dish towel she cries on. Then when I had a crises or health problem, I got the "lucky" speech, and was just supposed to be glad it was not as bad as what she had to deal with or what this other person has type of commentary. Like you I babysat, loaned food, helped, whatever way she needed i was there, but there was no reciprocation, or if she did do something it was half-a$$ed Like bringing some crappy boxed macaroni meal for my kids when I was in the hospital *one* time after I had brought them home cooked meal after meal when she had her baby. However she was always doing extraordinary things to impress the people she just met to draw them in. What I felt like was a pair of old house slippers you wear around to be comfortable in but don't wear out for anything nice. So I chose to back off the friendship, I never said anything to her, but I just gradually declined the contact. She never asked me what was up, she never called me either, so I figured it must be mutual. That was '07. I really saw how wrapped up in her crap I had been getting myself, and was SO glad I had let that go. I was free to focus on my own family and husband. He and I had actually gotten into a couple arguments over how much I did for her, he could see I was a FOOL! :P
So a few weeks ago her son had attacked mine with a pellet gun and I became incensed and when I went over I just lost it. This kid has been destroying things at my house for 10 years, messing with my utility boxes, stealing, lying, etc. Hurting my son with a dangerous thing like a pellet gun was just too much. I went over and let them know in no uncertain terms was this kid allowed around my son or my house, I was angry, i was shaking, and I did holler. But I did not curse or threaten him physically.
She started this nasty email barrage, about how disrespectful I am, and how it was all because I was really mad at her and not her son, that I had gossiped all over the neighborhood about her ( I only even really know 2 other people and they have been the ones to say they thought she was weird LOL), She said all kinds of nutty crazy stuff. Trying to deflect and distract from the real subject, her piss ant kid. It got really ugly. I got sucked into it for one email, then i realized what I was doing, playing into her drama, and I did not want to her drama fuel. So I did not apologize for screaming at her kid, but I did apologize for the negative note I sent in response to her note, and I have not heard anything else. She has no interest in apologizing to me for all the ugliness she spewed. It just confirms I made the right choice 2 years ago.
But, needless to say, it's gotten very uncomfortable around here lately! ::)
Thankfully i was prepared because I had read a book by Dr Henry Cloud called Boundaries, When To Say Yes And When To Say No. I knew that people get ugly when you set your boundaries with them. It's painful and uncomfortable. Sometimes, like me, you even end up looking like the bad guy the way these people twist and deflect the real issue! :(
Check out the book, it's great
Missy
thankyou all so much, all your words have dispelled the guilt and im not half as upset as i was, seeing it as a relief really, i ll have more spoons :)
chickpea.. honestly i just dont get that at all, why ppl back off, i know you dont go out so much, but then maybe if she came and went out with you thatd be different, or if you didnt want to go out, just a good chit chat and catch up, feeling isolated just makes everything worse, just not in me as a friend to do that , i understand ppl are scared of losing ppl, one of my friends whose been in a chair for a few years from a bike accident, has ovarian cancer, and after 3 ops and chemo past 3 years its still there and there is no more to cut out , not easy seeing someone you love that way, but then when did friendship ever promise a fun time always ? never will get my head round ppl backing off
issey yup your so right, took me way too long, but hey ive learned alot on the way :)
navydad..no need to explain to me, my cloests freind in the world adopted me as his sister 4 years ago, his wife is one great person, but me and joe are on some kind of level where i could tell him anything and he is always completely honest with me, and i ll always treasure him, nope its not sexual its way beyond that its family :)
jonell ... yup married two takers myself, but way i see it is i took 2 sons from those relationsips, and i came off the winner, my first hubby might have been a total l liar, but he gave me a son that holds my world up and for that i will always thank him, he hasnt seen him in 11 years now, but in a way im glad, for euan is my boy and always willl be, and he was the loser for he missed out on one of lifes most caring beautiful creatures, and i got him all to myself .
paperdoll.. yup always have been the mum too, thnakyou for sharing this, i so relate to that, made me realise that one of my kids needed some tough love and now she has it :)
lou lou.. im wiccan so i beleive in reincarnation and that we chose our path before we come younger souls get an easier time, and older souls get alot more curve balls, the test is to remin caring and hold love in your heart, someone posted to me i should be finding myself help here and not caring about other ppl and worrying about friends, sorry but for me that would be to lose my inner light and i ll be damned if im letting SJS get that , thats mines and day i stop caring might as well put a gun to me head :) one day it will be their turn, and lets see how much grace they hang onto and how many times they havbe to come back here to learn about it :)
lurker nail on the head " emotional vampires" been prey to a few of those in my tim,e but i think spiritually they drain themselves too, for as i always say a good person will always be a good person and a taker will pay in karma, and karma is slow but thorough.
harrigan i love the drain/radiator analogy :) i wish we all lived closer to one another i think everyone here in their own way is a antional treasure and quite something to know in life, ive always felt blessed to find the old souls on this site, never sen so many salt of the earth ppl in one place, what SJS has taken from us, we made up for in the richness of ppl here, one door closes and another opens and man did it open to ppl that you could afford to buy here *hugs ya back *
janna your one of the ppl here who i know has this healing smile and deep compassion within you that lights up a dark room, i felt that brow stroke i truly did. thnakyou !
dolly pains me to know that you all understand so well, mean youve all been there, humility is just who i am, couldnt have truly helped anyone as a nurs ein terminal care if id not been so, for god alone knows those ppl needed someone who could just listen and not judge, humility goes a long way in getting ppl to open up, and its something i guard with care.thnakyou.
missy b .. thnakyou for posting that, pair of old slippers really sums it up, when i think of the time ive given and youve given and came up empty handed, but i tell you id rather be the slippers, for theyre safe and warm and comfy, and while its nott he most glamourous role, it sure as heck beat the life out of being so shallow, sorry youve had al this worry, i know that the school has a right atmosphere at the gates right now, but hey ho, life is just too darn short for the glamourous roles, slippers are something much better and im glad to be them, for it means im on the right path, i ll check that book out thankyou ! boundaries are something i fond hard, for though im honest i tend if ive taken someone into my heart to give way too much, and i need to find ways of holding some spoons back , thnakyou for sharing your story.
thankyou all SO much , i think we all share so much in illness and in life and in thought, feeling and expereinces, tonight as i read all the posts i feel blessed and not sad, i feel lucky and not agrreived , my heads sorted out and i feel like a load has been lifted, , your all deeep in my heart, genuinely deep in it and ive been blessed to find all of you, sure life will take from us, but let it, for one thing it cannott ake is the spirit of love that w eshare between us all, and the deep honesty that goes between us al, i was to tell you all, your loved !!!
T x
Wednesday, Sending good thoughts your way. So sorry about the problem with your "friend". It is so hard when there is a person in your life who is not good for you but you have to see them all of the time. Hopefully there are others at the gate who bring good into your life instead of bad. Roxanne
Mc Haggis,
One thing I have learned over the years is, your only friends are your family and even some of them are suspect. Everyone else is just an acquaintance. Blood is always thicker then water.
McWednesday,
I just read this thread. I am a little late.
Thankful for so many who said everything you needed to hear.
My prayer is that you find a friend who is a friend.
But you know you have all of us here. :o
I had to laugh at Janna's description so true. "Vampire"
DON'T NEED THAT. do ya? ;D
I hope your seeing things clearly and letting go. Your energy is to valueable to waist.
Hugs and blessings, kimbo
KYMOM thnayou , there are new gates found them all right here :)
Epson i dont have much in way of family, but i got 2 sons that i couldnt have written, and their hugs heal :) for that i ll always be blessed.
Kimbo your prayers are very much appreciated :) and today when i got up feeling very different, i can say that theyre working :)
thankyou all so much !!
No i feel ALOT better today, all down to all the great ppl here posting to me, and im thankful for the support, today i feel great, sure ive did alot for my friend, but time to move on, ive been carrying her baggage and mines, and well my load feels lighter today, actually im quite glad its come to this, for i am drained by her now, and i just aint got the spoons for it anymore, i ll always have time for ppl, but these days thats going to need to be a 2 way street and its taught me to chose more wisely and no give quite so much, till i know it is a 2 way street.
last night i got a call from my brother joe( my friend) offering to drive from leeds to here to go to lip biospy with me , blew me away considering its a 4 hour drive, and his wife was on saying were all sending you prayers it goes well and settles the diagnosis once and for all, two ppl whov never finanically had alot, but had the wealth of love , for all ive ever given them, they have given back to me, but to offer a 4 hour drive to "hold my hand" just melted my heart, and today im going to focus on what i have and not what i dont have, i have your support and love, and i have a few freidns money couldnt buy, and today i feel rich, thankyou all so much, you took away any guilt i had, and after a good nights sleep, i feel so much better, time to drop the vampires and make room for the new, got an email from harrigan today, and that melted me too, to know how many ppl here suffer fatigue and pain , and still have so much compassion blow me away
T x *hugs to all of you*
Oh Wednesday what a shame re your friend. Hopefully she will think things through & realize what a great friend you've been to her. Sorry you've been so hurt. Maybe a new friend will come along for you. I didn't see your post until now, but a lot of people have responded so lovingly to you already which is great. As you know you know you've got real friends here. Thinking of you.
Lotus1 xx
Well thank you for posting too, this has been on my mind and it felt good to vent a little and write it down. it's always nice to know you are not alone and reading your story was helpful to me!
lotus thnakyou so much :) your one of the ppl whove taken the time to help me, and your friendship it valued :)
missyb..weve helped each other :) so glad you feel better too, funny how things seem much less horrible once you get them off your chest! my email address is on site, you feel free to email me anytime, as any of you are, always good to have someone who understand to share the good and bad times with, we all hold each other up, if we were all rheumy`s instead of SJS sufferers i recon medical care would be SO much improved, but we can help each toher along the journey, good to hear youve been helped by me posting, makes me realise im not alone in that feeling :)
Great to hear you are bouncing back T! (xx) for Friday, let us know how you get on, Ailsa
Hi WMcH,
It's all been said already, but it sounds like you may be better off without the drain this friend is putting on you... If she really is a friend, no matter how angry she was at what you said, she will come back and try to solve it, if not, well...
I'm sorry you have had to go through this, and glad you are feeling a bit more positive about it all, and good luck on Friday!!
Take Care
Leah x
Hi McHaggis!
Sorry I'm jumping in on this so late, but I also wanted to add my 2 cents for whatever its worth! I'm sorry that you have had to deal with this type of "Friend" and unfortunately I can relate to what you are talking about. I also know people who are all about "Me, Me, Me" and nothing you say can ever top what they are going through. I swear even if I died...they would say they died first and it would be much more dramatic than my story! lol
The main thing I try to remember is that toxic and downright mean and uncaring people have no place in my life...and as long as I can live with my actions and can sleep soundly at night without remorse and regret...that's all I need! Its also important for me to remember that I will make mistakes and sometime say or do things I may not be proud of.....and the important thing is if I can make my amends and forgive myself because after all we are human and will make mistakes....its not always easy but its always my goal.
Lots of hugs to you.....
leah aww thankyou im sure it will go fine, bit nervous but it ll be fine
lynnemarie well said ! i dont feel guilty anymore, i dont even feel sad, being honest im glad of the break , as you say i can live with my actions , if i meant that much she would have called , tried to work things out, but sinc ei can no longer mother her , just aint got the spoons for drama, then she is moving on, and i can sleep at night just fine , i think eventually she will come round, when she realises there isnt me to moan to, but i dont want to go back to that, not that i dont want to listen to ppl, far from it, but as you say if we died, thed be worse off still, and not that im looking for sympathy, but some understanding that on bad days, i just dont need to hear ungenuine attention seeking nonsense :)
T x
Wednesday, It sounds like this gal is someone who is a leech and a taker and will drain any of her friends of all their time, energy and possibly money. I think you were lucky to get rid of her. I doubt this has anything to do with your illness.
I, too, have found that there are very few "good friends" out there. You know it when you find one. I have just a couple and they don't live in my area. Otherwise I have a lot of acquaitances who I hardly see any more. In this day and age having a close friend is really difficult---if you have a good neighbor you are really lucky.
Everybody works and our "friends" or people that we invest energy into are the people we work with and after work we are too tired and too busy to be a social butterfly. I have learned to not expect much out of people because I have found that I will end up giving more than I get. Giving is good but not when they are the one with a behavioral problem.
Like Epson said, relatives are usually the ones we are around the most and if you are lucky enough to have a couple close, sane friends who are able to give and take you are lucky. I don't think I am being negative--just been down that road!!!Irish ;D
irish
wise words :) no i dont think its negative , i think its realism being honest, a true friend to me is someone you can tell anything to and not be judged, someone who can say the truth to you and say it with love and good intent.
i guess sinc eim an only child, with no cousins and only my mum and sons are blood relative left, i adopt ppl, and treat them like family, i know i ll always miss my grandmother for she was my best friend, and someone who never judged , just gave me the wealth of her wisdom and endless time, she was 62 wehn i was born, and how she put up with me constantly asking questions at sill hours about UFO`s and unicorns and fairies with complete patience i ll never know, somome one who taught me what dignity and getting the heck on with it was, she came from a very poor large family with both parents drinkers, she had no shoes in summer, worked fields as a child being paid in vegetables , carried cinders home for the fire, and the only toy she had she made, her father washed make up off her face with a scrubbing brush at 20 years old, calling her a painted street walker, and the best of all this was it wasnt her who told me all this it was her younger sister, who she raised.
I think she never told me any of this, because she didnt want me to know what that kind of hardship must have been like, protect me from a life she never wanted me to understand, what she taught me was what a lady is, and i ll never replace her.
your right i gave so much to my friend and i dont think its about my illness as much as its about her not being the fussed over one, and she will go where she gets that , if she had half the dignity my grandmother had, she would be twice the woman she is :)
T x
McWednesday,
Thank you so much for sharing about your grandmother, I soooo enjoyed it. And I am thankful you had such a sweet relationship you invested in. You received so much from her.
I am happy for you!
blessings kimbo
Mcw, I wish I could have met your grandmother. She sounds like she was very grand and a lot of fun. We all seem to have some relative who had a hard life but yet endured and came through forged of steel. I had a couple aunts who were really something. One of them was an Irishman(woman) married to a man who came from Ireland when he was a child. She was the matriarch and fed everyone who darkened her door. Such a grand lady she was.
Another one who took care of the whole family after the mother died and also took lots of nieces and nephews under her bosum and saw that they had clothese. These people of courage and giving will be hard to come by in future years---at least I don't think there will be an many of them. We have become a soft world. Too many "things" and so many of us have not suffered the way past generations did. These people can teach us so much. Irish ;D
kimbo thankyou , quite enjoyed typing it lol :)
irish... agreed, when will we see their like again eh ?? , my gran was same your aunt couldnt leave her house without her feeding you lol, never knew a day even when she was i ll for her not to have a large pot of soup on the stove , god i miss her soup and rabbit stews and yorkshire puddings that took up the whole plate :)
yup i dont know im born in comparision to these women, and ive not had an entirely cushy life, as you say in future we just wont see many of them around, which is saddening.
I do know though that she at the end got some of what she gave me back, for my unmarried uncle who never left home , nursed her at home, i went one day off a week as a nursing student to let him get a well earned break, and fed her, toileted her, washe dher, when her pain from breast CA and mets got too much and she was taken into hospice care, i went two evenings a week and nursed her, nurses didnt get a chance to those nights, and id do it all again just for the chance to be with her for one day.
Its why i am not close to my mother, my grandmother had about in todays money 6,000 dollars, her life savings, she kept under her bed in a suitcase , she told my mother it was to bury her , she was very set that state help was charity , sadly her son , my uncle died 4 days after her, likley broken heart, they said massive coronary, but he told me he ddint want to live without her and well he didnt have to.
my mother in her greed, told the state there was no money for a funeral and they paid both funerals, and she kept he money , something i shall never really forgive her for, but whilst im not chrisitan i have the deepest respect for that faith , my gran was a true christian , and always said no good came of having something that wasnt rightfully yours.
well i know that the hand of god works in mysterious ways, for my mother invested that money and my uncles savings, and well each and every investment she made, the money got lost in bad investment !!! she still moans to this day about that, and i sit knowing that gods hand reached out and took it back :) wiccans beleive that that what you put out you get back 3 fold, good or bad, and the exact amount of money my mother lost from savings and shortfall on endowment mortgage was exactly 3 times what she unrightfuly took !!
another stange thing is my gran was catholic and married my protestant grandfather, she took his faith, in the hospice she just wouldnt let go, she had had me and my uncle by her bedside for 2 days and she just wouldnt let go, i asked the nuns who ran the hospice if while she was not listed as catholic could she have last rites?? indeed a priest came in and gave ehr her last rites, as soon as he finnished a peace came over her face and she gave up her struggle and passed over. Even in death she was some woman !
T x
Hi Wednesday! So sorry to hear about how you were treated by your so called friend. You deserve better! Friendship should be a 2 way street. I loved reading your story about your grandmother. Your compassion comes across clearly in your writings. Your grandmother sounds like one of a kind as do you. Glad to hear you are feeling better!
confused....i think everyone here is just as wonderful, maybe one good thign that came from all this is we value things so much more now, good days, freindships and life , i think each person here is someone special *hug*
i wished we all lived closer, i think wed make the best group of friends the world ever seen *hug*
butterfly thankyou so much , youve all made me bubble , i think the day we have no compassion within us, is day we might as well hang up our hats, god i miss nursing, so many ppl needing compassion and a good darn hug, which worked better than morphine most days, now i understand illness from the flip side, and i see that some kind words , understanding and a hug, was the best medecine anyone was ever offered, and i know that how i nursed , wasnt wrong, collegues telling me i was OTT, never did hear a patient say that!!
so HUGS to each and every one of you :)
T x
I also enjoyed reading about your grandmother...she was a wonderful and strong woman!
Weds. sometime we HAVE to meet up and share our granmothers! You have clearly inherited all that made your special grandma a strong. patient, loyal and compassionate lady and I'm sure she woukd have been very proud of you. Thanks for all you have shared and the precious memories you have invoked in so many of us xx Ailsa
Hi Wednesday
I'm just catching up on all the threads, and I'm really sorry to hear about that 'individual'. How could she every be your friend, with an attitiude like that. I know you have had lots of advice, and people have shared their feelings with you. Well, I just want to get my hands on Trish and punch her very selfish nose :)
Sending you a big hug.
Kathyx
Hi WMH,
Now ain't that pitiful? You can even count on that person to listen for just a few minutes, how sad is that? What is it with this world where there are so many more turkeys than there used to be, or that they multiplied and didn't tell me!? ;) :D
I too am sorry to see it as you have such a gentle soul and I'm glad to know you! Too bad that "ex" of yours probably will never know how to be a true friend, and it will cost her in the long run as no one else is going to want to fill your former shoes. Pity to be her I say!
Take care my friend and remember that the true friend is the one that when you're at your lowest point and you turn around to breath, they are there.
Patze
Wednesday,
I'm sorry to hear about your hurtful experience. I don't know you well and don't have much chance to post, yet I can relate in so many ways. I really believe that we have phases in our lives and things are constantly changing. As other have said, try to let it go. When one door closes another always opens. If we keep looking back at the closed door with regret we might miss the door that is ready to be opened. It still hurts though and it takes time to heal.
My life has changed drastically since being diagnosed with SJS and fibro. I haven't been able to be as active and doing things with friends is a challenge. Especially if it's something like going hiking or the like. I've always been the family member who planned things and did special things for kids. I just don't have the energy or drive to do it now. It's like I have just barely enough to keep myself going. I've begun to feel isolated in some ways, but there are a few blessings that have come my way as well.
Funny thing, I use coconut milk and oil some. After reading that you use coconut oil I always think of you when I take the jar out of the cupboard. :)
Take care.
Terri
It's wonderful to read so much love and thoughtfulness. I especially liked Terri's comment: When one door closes another always opens. If we keep looking back at the closed door with regret we might miss the door that is ready to be opened.
Next time I'm overcome with regrets about the things I've lost and the aspects of my life that have changed, I'm going to remember that. Wise words.
Thanks to all - Chickpea
thankyou all so much for all the support and advice!! im reading all the posts and just feel blown away by all your answers, wise words indeed, feeling alot better, and relieved , not had one drama since, the rest has been great :)
honestly cant say thanks enough for the advice, support and caring shown to me here, by everyone, your all a blessing to know
T x
Oh Wednesday, you are so welcome. You know, I just don't get it, because someone with your heart, you are so easy to love-which means this is all totally her loss. Just keep looking ahead and smiling, (when you are not feeling bad, of course) and know that you are worthy and you are loved. There will always be people who don't understand. Those type of people do not deserve to be taking up space in either our heads or our hearts. Leave those open for people who truly love and appreciate you. Which, I feel sure, are many! Just look at all the responses you have gotten here! And I am sure that in real life, there are just as many, if not more. :-* :-* :-*
I am finding that people I considered "friends" are abandoning me because I don't feel well enough to do the things they want to do. Example: I started a vanpool about 2 1/2 years ago. The van is leased to me and there are 8 of us who ride in the vanpool and share expenses for the commute to and from work each day. I have driven the van back and forth to work faithfully for these past 2 1/2years and only recently have had to ask for help with the driving due to my extreme fatigue, blurred vision and just generally not feeling well.
I am a proud person and it was very hard for me to ask the girls to help me drive the van. The excuse I gave was "I have been diagnosed with a disease that makes me very tired and achy all over." Well, they do help drive in the afternoons but they push me to the back of the van where the seat is very hard to get into and is very uncomfortable once you get there. I have said that it is very uncomfortable for me back there and it is aggravating my pain and stiffness- their reply- "we have to sit back there when you drive." No one has asked me what is wrong, if I need anything or if they can do anything to help. In fact, they have stopped asking me to do any after work activities, stopped emailing me and have all but stopped talking to me unless it is commute or work related.
These are people I have ridden back and forth to work with for the past 2 1/2 years- we have shared lots in the 2 1/2 hours we spend together daily on the van. I am very hurt that they are so shallow that they are mad because I am unable to continue driving the entire way. It has made me realize that maybe they weren't such good friends in the first place.
I am so uncomfortable in the van now, (both physically and emotionally) but I don't feel like I can give up the van to one of the others and drive my personal vehicle back and forth to work due to my not feeling well and the increased expense. I keep hoping things will change, but I am not very hopeful.
This disease has affected so many areas of my life and I hate to think I am only 49 years old and have a long time to deal with this disease and all it has to "offer".
Rhonda
its a disgrace really it is! To thionk what youve done for them, and are now still the one who deals with the rental and any repairs etc, and to shove you in the back, knowing youve got an illness, well shocking really, must be devoid of conscience, sadly.
So sorry theyve treated you this way, and not even ask how your affected by it all, manners seems to be a scarce thing these days, you as good as your last errand, but one day they shall have health problems and one day they will understand, i think fact we dont look sick just adds to it.
I did my reiki course recently and i was youngest there, was a lady who goes diving, running etc, and she had a slight cold, i was asked sinc ei am the youngest to do the setting up of tables etc, which at my first course i did and paid later for it, last time i just said no, they looked at me, i said listen, i took my turn last time and i was very sore doing so, now its someone esles turn, one said ..but your the youngest!! , i giggled and said nicely, on the surface i am yes, but when you go home and make supper and watch TV , i ll be popping painkillers and steeping in a bath for relief. im quickly learning the word no.
never knew how many ppl were offended by honesty and assertiveness until recently, but there are plenty, and like you at 37 i can see that its something i ll be having to do alot over the years, sad there are so many ppl who are in things for what they can get from it, and how few pl appraoch something, what can i give to it.
As a nurse i defied a senior nursing sister when sent to a ward to help a few years back, was a rehab ward, and an old lady who was about to be discharged had been given a basin to wash herself with and told get on with it, no one will be helping you at home, she had diarrhoea, and since she had bad athritis had had an accident and couldnt get her legs washed by herself, she was crying, against what i had been told to do, i went in behind the curtain and helped her, gave her a hug, and said i ll be finnishing soon, but i ll make you a wee cuppa before i go honey, i got the biggest smile, on being caught by the sister, i got pulled into the duty room and ranted at about it being a rehab ward and how i was doing her no favours, all i said was, id rather be ranted at by you as go home feeling guilty at not helping her, i was repremanded, i said to the sister do what ya want, one day we`ll be that old lady and one day we will expect some digintiy and respect, i hope the ward sister is just like you !
what goes round comes back around Rhonda, one day they ll be there and one day they ll understand that pain
T x
I think you are right- what goes around comes around.
I too, am a nurse- however I have not worked in nursing for the past 10 years. I was not feeling well back then and made the decision to move into administration. I am currently enrolled in the Bachelor's program for Health Services Administration- but it is increasingly hard for me to do the schoolwork. I AM going to finish though - I should graduate in april 2011. I hope I have my symptoms under control by then so I can continue working until I am 62 and can retire from my job.
thanks!
McWensdeday,
Praise you for your love and care, administered in your sweet nursing. And for standing for what is right, going up stream and against the flow. The world is a better place for such kindness and gentleness.
Your grandma is very proud, I am sure that she contributed in your strength of charactor.
blessings kimbo