Hi all just venting here, it's going to be a rough day, I have to take mom to the Cancer Hospital as she is being evaluated regarding treatment. She has battled since 2005, she has kidney cancer, it has met to her lungs. She has been doing so well but regardless it's now time to consider treatment. I hate this illness, and i hate going to the cancer center. It smacks of reality and reminds me that no matter how mom is doing she is very, very sick.
It is so much better to just live life and have fun everyday and ignore the rest. Treatment scares me to death but i know it is her right and maybe her only option right now. i'm shaking like a leaf and it happens every single time, one would think I'd be used to it by now? ???
My sis goes along but is dead set against mom taking treatment and lets us know continually. She wants to help mom die and I want to help mom live. I feel that no need helping mom die right now as it will come regardless, I'd rather support mom as she really wants to fight and help her to live. I hate this disease. Sandra
sandra
I remember this so well with my gran, who i was closer to than my mum.Its hellish with a caital H for everyone involved, i know your close to your mum and help her as best you can.
No matter what you do to cope its never an easy thing, and my thoughts are truly with you and your mum.
You say you want and you say what your sis wants, what does your mum want ??
My gran was 78 when she found the lump, she didnt want any treatment and told no one, at 80 and getting her cattaracts done they found a large tumour on breast during her pre op bath .they took her for surgery and when we phoned to ask how he eye op went we were told her mastectomy went well, thats was how we were told.
She said , im 80 something is taking me out, and refused treatment , and at 82 she lost her battle . my mother wanted imortality for my gran, so did i , but what my gran wanted was her affair and thats what was respected.
If your mum wants treatment then support her the full road, if she doesnt support her the full road, in no way am i trying to be offensive, cancer is causing enough offence for everyone , just 17 years in terminal care taught me a few things, families argue and wants differing things, meanwhile the patient is left almost spoken over, i know you respect your mum, ask her what she wants from all this, and back her up.
if this conflicts with what your sister beleives should be, remind your sister its your mothers battle with cancer, and not hers.
Still vent as much as needed, bacuse its a long hard road, and there is no manual or handbook, ive felt that kind of pain and id not wish the situation on anyone, but best for mum is being suported in her descisions, she has enough battling cancer, without the fallout that seems to go with it
good luck at appointment, hope the docs are good, exlain it all, and your mum gets what she needs
T x
Sandra,
I am so sorry to hear what you and your Mom are going through right now!! I totally agree with the last post that it is truly your mother's decision as to what treatment she gets and then you support whatever that is. If she wants to fight it, then fight it with her. If she just wants to let it take its course and enjoy what time she has left, then enjoy that with her, too. You and your sister are going to have to come to an amicable agreement for your mother's sake. She doesn't need extra stress right now worrying about you two getting along.
I can speak from experience on this issue. My mother had severe heart disease since she was a child. Had already had two heart surgeries - one at age 22 and the other at age 50. Two years ago, she was getting so sick again and needed a third surgery. She did NOT want it!! But my sister and I wanted her to live forever and kept fighting for her to have it. Of course, my mother who adored and lived for us girls, agreed for us to go ahead and do it and start the procedures to have it. Well, she crashed during her catheterization and ended up on a ventilator for a week in ICU. She was able to get off it, but never got strength enough to have the surgery, and died 4 months later . . 4 months of being really sick, in and out of hospitals, with oxygen, etc. Even her doctor told us girls, "you know your mother never really wanted this surgery." Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if we didn't beg and push her to go with the surgery (which she ended up never having) if her quality of life would have been better at the end. I know I'll never know! But things like that haunt you.
Just a funny note to leave on showing how mothers want their daughters to get along . . . . One of the first things my mother said after getting off the ventilator to us was "Don't you two fight over the tweezers when I'm gone!" You see, my mother had the best pair of tweezers and whenever we went to her house, my sister and I would pluck our eyebrows and comment on how great they were. We had quite a laugh when she said that!! She obviously was thinking about a lot of things while sedated on that ventilator!!!
My sister and I really pulled together those last 4 months and are tighter than ever. Please try to do the same for your mom's sake.
Liz D.
P.S. BTW, my sister got the tweezers and I didn't fight her :)
Oh Sandra
This is a really hard time for you right now and I'm so glad you've shared it with us.
Unlike the others, I don't have direct experience of this but I'd like to echo them and say that this is really about what your mum wants, and that both you and your sister need to give her the space to discover what that is. She'll want to protect you and put you first, and the fact that you have such different perspectives is going to make that complicated.
She's got some living to do, but who knows how long and what it's going to be like. Decisions about treatment may give her a little longer. Liz's description of her mother's last months is very poignant and makes you realise that quality and quantity of life and time don't necessarily coincide.
I don't know if you enjoy poetry but the best things I've read about living and dying are in poems. It's such an odd aspect of being human that we're aware that we are living and dying at the same time.
My thoughts are with you. Take good care of yourself
Things went well, not at all what mom or I expected, she will not take treatment for now as the Dr believes the symptoms she is experiancing are not cancer related, the fatigue, brainfog, unsteadiness....it's from being 79, having raised 10 kids......she also has an irregular heart. I only want what mom wants I have never even told her what my opinion was about treatment either way, I want her to know all the facts and decide for herself, I am a care-giver period, to support what-ever she decides when ever she decides it so long as she knows all the facts. What I find the most fatiguing is being a mediator between my sister and her. My sis tells her in no uncertain terms what is the right decision, tells allot and boy does it ever make mom mad. Would me too. Sis thinks I sugar coat everything for her, that's BS. I know plenty about quality over quantity I live my life that way and have for over 20 years. But I have also found that when life is serving you a bowl of lemons a little sugar sure can carry you far.
Sandra
Hi Sandra
I'm so glad things went as well as they could. It sounds as though you're doing brilliantly - I reckon you are the sugar on the bowl of lemons that life has served your mum. But you don't 'sugar coat' reality as your sister implies. Sisters! I have three and the worst one at dealing with medical issues is the one who is a doctor!
It must be exhausting having to deal with all the stuff your sister is dishing out as well as supporting your mum. Keep letting us know how things are going. As you say like you, people here know all about questions of quality over quantity of life.
Thinking of you
Sandra
so glad the appointment went well and you all got some answers.
Youve taken the completely right approach, youve just supported mum in the way she needs and thats worth its weight in gold to your mum.
Your sister, well you cant pick family eh ?, your exhausted and emotionally over extended, and neither yourself or mum need this, this is why i beleive families should be given a feww therapy sessions at these times, a third impartial party sometimes gets through to ppl better.
try to appeal to her that her view, may even be right, but the upset isnt helping mum enjoy her life right now, and right now is all anyone really has , possibly ask one of the docs to speak to her gently, whatever happens, speak it out with us, not because were nosey, just it helps, just to be free in speech , and to be validated can help.
You be darn proud of yourself youve been your mums rock, and i think you obviousy got that from her, for sounds as though she is handling the whole situation with dignity and clear thought, you must be so proud of her and yourself
T x
Sandra,
I can really relate to your situation, I lost my dad last month and I am undergoing chemo right now. If your mom has the will to live, by all means support her, its not your sisters call. My dad move in with me after mom died, I found out that he had skin cancer and renal failure. He had to go into a nursing home when he needed 24 hour professional care, after living with me for two years.
My rule was to do everything to keep him comfortable and alive as long as he wanted that and was not suffering. When there was no hope and prolonged hospital stays with tubs and needles and relentless pain, no prognoses of getting better, only worse, we moved him to a hospice where he was treated with dignity and kept very comfortable. It doesn't sound like your mom is at that point yet and needs her families support.
Good luck to your mom, I hope she beats the big C and has many happy years ahead.
Epson
Sandra,
I think Epson said everything that I would have said. Just know that we are all thinking of you and praying you will have the strength for each day. And, take comfort in knowing how much it must mean to your mother to have you by her side.
Anna
Hi Sandra :)
I really can't add to what has been said. I think you're doing a wonderful job and I know you'll know when it's time for your Mum to pass - and its not yet.
Take care - (((( hugs )))) Scottie :)
Thanks everybody, you are right it's not time yet, for Mom to go I mean. i just know it. I helped my father die a supported and peaceful death agind the cancer thing and there comes a time when you just know they have made peace and are ready. Even if Mom chooses not to take treatment or just can't take treatment she still is just so not there yet and I'll be darned if I miss a single minute pushing for that time. I'm helping her to live (in every sense of the word) and I refuse to help her die right now. Sis called today and isn't doing very well, she always does that. She is like a seargent major on the oncology days and treats Mom in my and my hubby's opinion very rough. I know it's just a shield but then she suffers terrible guilt the next day. That's her issue and I feel for her but my #1 concern is Mom. She doesn't need all the drama and If Mom wants to make light of things during the appointment so be it, no problem that's what I'm (we're) there for.
i am worried a bit about the Muga scan, it is suposed to take about 30 min to an hour for the whole thing and it took 2 1/2 hours for Mom. I read something about if the heart is no beating fast enough it takes longer. Sandra