I am not looking for anyones sympathy here, not in the least , but i need to say it and tyoe it down as a way of helping to accept it.
I went into nursing at 18 years old, i wanted to be a nurse since i was 15, my teachers tried to talk me out of it, i was top of my class for most subjects and they wanted me to teach , or go into something more go getting.
my mother said id never make a nurse, i was squemish a s achild, i was determined to priove her wrong. I loved nursing the day i started, it was a shock really, after 8 weeks college we were on a way showering chronically ill patients and ppl expected us to know things, it was a relief to be sent commode scrubbing .it was like the army then things were done right , cleaners were more plentyful and ppl took great rpide in their job.
On getting to my geriatric placement half way through my 3 year course i found elderly and i loved it i was too attached to ppl to nurse the young, found it upsetting, during this time we were nursing my terminally ill grandmother with breast cancer at 82 at home and i helped there on my weekends off.
I loved my job, i had a great affection and known to be the joker, always alot iof laughter on my shift even though it wasnt a funny place to be, we looked every shift to make that as better as we could.I have a patient who i call mum , her family is useless and i always find her hugs the most needful and the job satisfaction i got was always what got me throuh the fact that it was heavy work . I do kknow there have been times i was so tired holding that job down i was drained, and times i had energy and could handle it no problem,but now i simply cant.
loooking at the spoons therory i have came out the denial that ill return to my job once i am fixed out, but truly i have only enough spoons to urvive most weeks, let alone hold down a job, i know when i finally get meds it will be better, but that might just mean i can have a slight social life again, my spoons wont hold up to heavy work.
I think really this is the worst so far for me, i always felt so useful in my job, you cna amke a difference if you care, and i always did .
I had looked hard at what needs to chang ein my life, and i know the job will have to go. its not the money worry, my partner earns good money as a software programmer, and with a pension from them and disability , id be finacially fine, and i know that if it wasnt for sheer stubborness id not have held it down so long and been diagnosed quicker, but in a way i knew there was somethign far wrong and i kenw if they knew id not be working there anymore.
I am deeply sad about it, i suppose im grieving , and im trying to see the postive.
i think all things happen for a reason, i have dep faith in that, and thats what is taking me through, looking at my sons i feel i could always look into volunteering my reiki ability in the local hospice an afternoon a week, and possibly i could still work with the terminally ill in a different way , that makes me feel good, but with 2 boys a partner that is out 11 hours a day working, and needing spoons just to have some quality to my life, right now a job would kill me i feel, and also even if i get stabilised with meds, its just too heavy on the joints to maintain, its not going to be posssible.
I am not even looking for replies here, i just had to say it so i can read it and accept it, cathartic if you will
T x
Hi T
I know you said that you're not expecting replies so I hope you didn't mean that you'd rather not receive them. I just wanted to reach out to you and say that you're not alone. We try so hard on the SjS message boards to be as positive and helpful as we can be, but we're also honest and that means having to acknowledge the tough times.
I'm still grieving for my job too. I don't want to repeat what I wrote on the 'what do you do' thread when I first joined SjS world, but suffice to say that I did bits and pieces of teaching work when my children were small, mostly birth preparation classes in the evenings so I could be with them in the daytime, and then taught History (20th Century Europe and the Holocaust) at uni level for 7 years. Both these subjects felt worthwhile to me, engaging with the 'big' issues in life. Students reported being transformed by my approach, I worked closely with Holocaust survivors, organised big public events, took groups to Poland etc etc. Like you, I felt I was making a difference.
I had to stop teaching because my speech isn't reliable, and brain fog kicked in. My mobility is very limited too so that makes independent travel and work increasingly difficult. And don't forget the pain and exhaustion! For months I thought about alternative work I could do and struggled to keep up with projects and develop new ones. I've had to acknowledge that that's not going to happen for a little while, maybe a long while.
One thing I have learned is that it's definitely about grieving, and that even acknowledging that doesn't make it happen much faster! So don't rush to make new plans - you need time to process this huge change and, as you say, to work out what the lessons are that you're supposed to be learning.
Looking forward to 'meeting' you in the chatroom on Wednesday evening.
Take care
i am not adverse to answers, i placed this pubically and i appreciate the time is taken you to post to me :)
Aye and its god not to know someone esle is having a time with the samr thing, but truly to feel and know your not alone does heal all the quicker.
I guess looking at what ive read i think i gave 20 years to that field, and basically ive done my bit, this might be a great big positive thing , and my time could be spent in a productive way, i dont miss the night clubs and the drinking sessions, at 37 im happy pottering in the garden and spending time with my kids , i know myself with brain fog a forget i am cooking and the pan burns , i forget what someone has said before they finnish the sentence, other times im sharp as a tac, but that would be dangerous in nursing, if i forgot to check obs, or give meds, id be a liability really now, i know im not going demented totally and the brain fog isnt a progressive worry in that sense, but it does limit me, and i have to face fact.
feel so much better just saying it out, i guess due to beign the joker in my friends, theyre feling ti right now, and im holding them up, so i come ehre to be real and say whats going on in my head just to set it down and be free of it, its a conversation i needed to have really and feel better now its said lol
T x
First, understand that your pain is real even if you are the only one that feels it. It is very easy to minimize the pain of some one else. Thirty years ago when I checked into it, The doctors here received 1/2 credit hour in pain management. It was not perceived as that important.
Members of the Fargo-Moorhead Chronic Pain Support group after several members were tortured at various pain clinics decided that instead of just complaining about pain, we would start looking for alternative methods of management and see what worked. The pain support group had success because of its premise "Helping you, helps me". We did extensive reading into the biological mechanism of pain, and its management over the six years I was there. We divide our pain into nerve and tissue pain. Cold helped those with nerve pain. Hot helped those with tissue pain. Practiced meditation helped everyone that could do it. Reflexology helped everyone but heavy smokers until they added large doses of Vitamin C to their daily diet.
The key is finding what works for you. Your interest in finding a solution should be greater than anyone else unless you are depressed. We used the exercises in David Burns book, "Feeling Good" to beat anxiety, anger and depression with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). We even developed a small work book to help ourselves.
I had symptoms of Sjogren's when I was still working many years ago. I found that Reiki helps with the eye pain and gland pain.
Joes
:) reiki helps my stress ,pain and all sorts of symptoms, its been a saviour , and i am humbled to be part of it.do my second degree in march .
I know there is various ways of tackling this, right now im taking a viatmin and mineral complex desngined from auto immnue disorders by a doc in glasgow whose son has MS, im looking at dietary intake , leaky bowel and gluten relationship, meds, fighting with docs, but caring for those around me still remains, if that goes, then my mood goes, its an intrinsic part of who i am .
But i have battled this 30 yearswith sicca symptoms , 20 years from aches pains and thraot infections, immune system crap for 7 years, sleep problems 4 years, bouts of extreme tiredness for 4 years, and to be honest alot of my pain is wear and tear in my field, and alot of nurses are move dout just due top that, nevermind sjogrens into the mix,its ok saying i get myself and my fatigue sorted, but i want some quality in my life, and my fight to remian in a heavy going job is at an end, to concentrate on making my life as quality full as possible.
im not depressed, i know that will come, and i ll not be too proud to take the meds, been there before, but part of the grieving process is denial( been there) bargaining ( if only i do this that will happen ), anger ( done that ) depression and acceptance , agreed somedays it does make me a little down, but same as any grief, anti depressants are given person come soff them then grieves, i need to see where i am when true acceptance comes, and then i shall know , and when the depression come si will too
T x
Hi T :)
We have another nurse in here who had to give up her job but is now working for the Australian equivalent of NHS Direct. She can do a very worthwhile job over the phone.
Reiki sounds well worth pursuing. I'm sure you could pick up sessions doing that and you'd still be helping people which you're obviously good at.
It's a lot to come to terms with but I'm a great believer in "When one door closes - another opens" and when we're open minded there's many a door left ajar!
Take care - Scottie :)
scottie :)
you are right, just need to rethink things and take it a day at atime, but admitting what i just have was so much of a step that i feel i have made a good leap in my thinking and planning, it will all work out in the end, there are ppl so much worse off , and i can see that the light is there in the tunnel, just need to get past some of these obstacles to bask in it :)
thnaks for your reply does help to know someone did it and managed another outlet and job :D
T x
McH
I'm really glad you were able to share your thoughts and future plans with us. That must have been a therapeutic exercise for you, but for us, it verified your faith in you new found friends. Thank you.
I'm sure you were a wonderful nurse, and that you will use your experience and humour in another fulfilling role - when you are ready. Working at the hospice sounds a really good idea. Go for it!
Work is high on my agenda at the moment - particularly with the snow. Anyone who can't get into work has to pay the time back, or use annual leave. I live on an unmade road, at the top of a hill, and it's terrible in bad weather. Previously I have been able to help dig the road out and have always got the eleven miles to work. My problem is now that I can't help with the shovelling, but also, if I got stuck in snow, there's no way I could walk even a mile. I would hate to have to use annual leave, and there's not a lot of chance of me doing extra hours to make up the time. t just made me realize how dependant I am becoming on having exactly the right cirumstances to enable me to work. I pray that I can continue for as long as possible, but know that that will probably not be as long as I need to.
Anyway, I don't want to steal your thread, but just to say, I understand. We can never plan our futures with any certainty, and as the saying goes, we all need a 'Plan B'.
Hugs
Kathyx
kathy
there is no stealing a thread to me, as i say its very strange you dont wish bad things on other ppl, but hearing your nott he only person with all this in your head is so helpful and helps me get perspective, alone i guess it would be really easy to start thinking your the only one, hearing how others feel gives me a sense that i am not alone in this but sharing common experiences . I am a very open person, always had the attitude i am who i am, dont like it walk away, not to say im a nasty person, just me. I hear you kathy , its a worry needing to work and knowing all the little things that can through that out of balance, a snowy day is an obstacles to us now, and you really do have to have a plan B , i dont drive i thought about starting lessons now to help me get about when time comes, but the brain fog worries me in that .
I feel able to open myself up here, so many caring ppl, but ppl who can and will say well have you thought of it this way, we all give each other therapy here one way of another, its a godsend
T x
Learning to drive eventually at 37 was the best thing I ever did - I felt like an adult at last! Sometimes just being able to drive away somewhere quiet and think was a real help. I know about the brain fog and yes, it probably will take longer to learn and pass than others - and there will be times when you're not well enough to drive too. But for the rest of the time, it really is such a bonus. I've not been able to drive for nearly 3 weeks but am hoping to try later this week. Life is constantly changing, even without this disease. I love the fact that this site always has people who embrace those changes and encourage those who are struggling to do that. And I love the fact that we can say how hard it is to cope with change, illness etc and not feel bad for dumping our troubles. Thanks everyone X
harrigan
totally agree , hy for me there is no hi jacking a thread, if i feel that way and someone else does the therapy between both ppl knowing that someone else knows is worth alot of meds,just fab it is !
Thanks for the advice on driving !! thats made me feel so much better about it all, good to know that someone has this and passed at 37 :D i may very well chang e my tune about that now , learning daily you have to be fluid in this, its adapt and evolve daily not cant do just, about timing and good days :)
T x
Hi McH
Im the nurse that had to give up my job at 35 cause i just couldnt do it anymore. i wanted to be a nurse since i was 10 and along the way i got through many big hurdles to finally get back into it at 33. THen i got the symptoms and was having more time off that what i was at work i couldn't do it anymore but didn't have an option to quit working. I pressed on but found a job working from home on a nurse triage phone line like your NHS as Scottie said. its been a life saver. i haven't had a sick day in nearly 3 months which is an all time record.
I can understnd your feelinga about givng up your job. i really loved brain injury and stroke rehab but it was far too heavy and i was really sad to leave. What you are feeling is really normal as to give up something you alwas dreamed about is heartbreaking. Its ok to be sad and even angry and then you will pick yuorself up and dust off and find new goals and new joys.
And remember your family here knows what you're going through and are her to offer support and friendship along the way
Pud
Oh yeah i only got my drivers license last year at 35 too. its been great
pudmot
thankyou so much for your honesty and sharing your expereince, means a whole lot to me.
Aye it is a sad time, but im not so down as i cant see there is a big world out there, and i can always do something else, it is as you said too heavy, and it helps to know that im not feeling sorry for myself just being realisitc, your response was so open, and its reassures me to know that youve been there and got through it and are happy where you are, helps alot :)
T x
Hi T
Thank you for your understanding! By the way, I was turned 30 when I got my driving licence. It's the only way I could get the kids to school, and myself to college in time. That's about 20 years since now, but I'm sure I've had this condition since before then, so if I can do it, so can you!
Well, I feel bad about whinging now. This morning our lane was blocked with snow and ice. My lovely son (who lives at home) spent over an hour digging a way out - his car was in front of mine. I didn't do any digging, but swept his car with a soft sweeping brush, and helped him spread salt. I was shattered after that. So, I called in work and told them I had enough work with me to do until lunchtime, when I could try to get in. In the meantime, my son phoned me to say that, although the roads looked clear, they were covered in black ice. Then work called me back and said the could forward me some stuff by email, and that I should work from home for the whole of the day.
I feel really blessed to have been able to do this. It was a huge weight off my mind, not having to travel in the bad weather, knowing that I couldn't walk very far if I got stuck. I also think it gives me some hope for the future. I may not be able to work from home all the time, but potentially, like PUd, I could some of the time.
Hope you girls are keeping well - and warm.
Hugs
Kathyx
kathy i walked in the snow a mile to get my son yesterday and i was sore and my spoons were done , it really is an obstacle, amazing the things we now have to consider.
That was great today !! its terrible that they force a day off out of you , id be cheeky and ask the office/manager if there was any way of working from home mostly or a smuch as possible, you can only be told no, cant hurt to try, i was thinking i might give my bosses the chance to change my job ,a reiki practitioner would be double the price i am, give me a treatment room a few days a week i could possibly work same conditions now but different role , nurse reiki specilaist, i dunno make a role for me to teach reiki to nurses for use in ward areas and self healing, and treatments for staff etc through occupational health, ive been getting bowens therpay through my work, they might go for it to avoid pensioning me off, and they get me half price, always worth a try i think , could only be told no. let us know how its going
T x
Hi T and K
I've really enjoyed reading this thread and the ways in which the two of you have been thinking through your work issues. You're both such inspirations!
Kathy - It's awful that you were told you'd have to take Monday as holiday, despite the fact you weren't choosing not to go to work. I even told my husband - he's head of department at his uni and had spent the early morning phoning 50 people he's responsible for to tell them the uni was closed - just to make sure he wasn't saying anything like that! It would be great if you could work from home some of the time, maybe even flexibly so that you could use your energy for work rather than travel.
T - Look how quickly you've come up with alternatives for your future! Reiki clearly has so much meaning in your life, and if you can share that with others it would benefit everyone. I think your gift for being with older people should be treasured.
I'm still on my own journey with work/life balance and I've had all sorts of ideas. Today I've decided that I'm going to enjoy the process of thinking it through, rather than worrying about the final outcome.
Chana
you enjoy :) , its easy to worry , do too much worrying at times, but goes to show what looks like a bad thing might possibly be the best thing once the plan unfolds, enjoy your journey enjoy looking at al the options, there are always more than we first thought about it seems
T x
Chana
Thank you. I work in the voluntary sector, so paying people who are not there probably wouldn't go down too well. It's a good place to work really, but taking holidays so early in the year is not a good idea. Anyway, I managed to work from home, so that's ok. Just hoping we get through the next lot of snow ok.
You have such a calming way with you, that I think you could join T in some kind of relaxation therapy, or maybe as a psychologist for people with chronic conditions. Yes, I think that could suit you well. :)
Kathyx
I know exactly what you mean; my high school offered a BOCES nursing program to the Senior class which I took. When I finished high school, i just had to take my boards, which I passed. I had my license at 18. I had to quit nursing when I was in my 30's and I miss it. I did long-term care also, as I found caring for the elderly more enjoyable. Hope you can find another area to use your talents.
Collie
collie
thankyou, so glad you and everyone has been so understanding, yup there is a magic in elderly care that i have found no where else, think i will always mis that, but thats good will give me an incentive to work towards going something else
T x